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#1821052 - 08/18/09 11:52 AM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
AlexEN Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 792
Loc: IL
I'm with Coach on this...

Besides, isn't your health personal, too?

Is it that much different than asking you how you're feeling emotionally?

Is he asking for your sake or for his... to make him feel good because he thought to ask? I know this requires mind-reading, but do you even care if he cares?

Ignoring it isn't pissy, it's detached... Thinking about it so much isn't... ;->

If it really matters to him and you don't answer, he'll ask again... At which point, to stop the drama, perhaps a simple "I'll be just fine" kills two birds with one stone.

But, like you, I'm wondering what Gooch says here...
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#1821053 - 08/18/09 11:52 AM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: AlexEN]
AlexEN Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 792
Loc: IL
Oops... He types faster than I do... grin
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#1821055 - 08/18/09 11:58 AM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: gucci loafer]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Gucci!!!!!! Wait, please. I get it. But with questions like this, about me being sick etc. should I give a short answer and end it at that? Or nothing at all. I see ignoring as creating more drama IF his communication is reasonable and in this case, I think it is.

What about the work thing and him wanting to connect me with his friend? I told him to go ahead and give her my number but I don't want him in the middle. I would rather not deal with him at all and do it on my own but it does cut me off from a lot of opportunities. I think it is better to just really be separate

Also, we have huge money issues to deal with and may be filing for bankruptcy...lots of communication required in that case.

I'm telling you, I have been doing well at not engaging with him. Actually, it has been great. I just don't need to be provocative unless it will benefit me.

I hope I'm making sense.
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#1821060 - 08/18/09 12:01 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Quote:
Ignoring it isn't pissy, it's detached... Thinking about it so much isn't... ;->


I am thinking about it because I want to get on a track and stay on it. So far I have not responded. This is about being methodical, not my former mindset of hoping to hook him in. I care little about what he thinks...I care about the results of my actions.
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#1821065 - 08/18/09 12:11 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
Kettricken Offline
Member

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 884
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Don't forget that any actions/reactions on his part function largely based on what is going on inside his celebrity-addled mind. How he reacts will largely depend on what he is emotionally projecting onto your response at any given moment. You don't have as much control as you think you have. That is scary, but also freeing. There is no magic answer ... no magic answer to hook him back, *and* no magic answer to make him an amicable co-parent/financial partner. So give yourself a break and try not to angst so much about how to respond to one-line queries.
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#1821067 - 08/18/09 12:13 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Also, as of right now, h is giving me money and I am able to navigate that. I am sure this feeds into my fear in dealings with him. I feel very vulnerable. I am working on finding a way out but it is challenging and is taking time.

Still, I have been able to set boundaries and keep them and I feel good about that; I just know that my dependence influences my perception.
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#1821070 - 08/18/09 12:17 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: aliveandkicking]
AlexEN Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 792
Loc: IL
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Quote:
Ignoring it isn't pissy, it's detached... Thinking about it so much isn't... ;->


I am thinking about it because I want to get on a track and stay on it. So far I have not responded. This is about being methodical, not my former mindset of hoping to hook him in. I care little about what he thinks...I care about the results of my actions.



Understood. Mostly teasing you. But, as I read the above, I hear most to say that no matter your goal or track, ignoring has its merits.
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#1821073 - 08/18/09 12:23 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: gucci loafer]
SmileysPerson Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/09
Posts: 1757
Loc: Coastal City
Quote:
What I want is to have stability and sanity for my kids and myself...hooking him in may or may not contribute to that goal.... want to get out of the mindset of trying to save the M and into the mindset of negotiating effectively and getting what I deserve in our D. If by some miracle a R happened, good, I guess...my communication should lead to what is going to benefit me and my kids.


Alive, my friend. Having survived another grueling day, I'm waiting for a grueling night and thought I'd check in with you. (And by "grueling" I mean "grueling," not "grueling ;-)".

I commend you on your mindset. You've had what I had in my Big Midwestern City moment. And you're absolutely sound in your intuition that communication is now key -- not merely communication, per se, but effective communication, the nature and extent of which can keep you on, or knock you off, Your Path.

The tone. The tenor. The tempo.

(Hey, that could be a chapter in SP's Great American Divorce Book -- "Tone, Tenor, Tempo: Talking To WAS")

Remember the thought balloons. You're Walking Your Path and Rolling Your Way. And one element of that is Class, with a Capital "C." You've got it; Monsoor Le Shmedlap hasn't.

So you reply. Because that's what someone with Class does.

And you say, "Tough head cold but it won't be fatal; thanks for asking." The tone is itself tough -- notice that there's no pronoun "I".

The tenor is cooperative -- you texted me, I texted you, I don't pretend that you don't exist (thought balloon, you heartless scum-sucking pig), and I acknowledge and validate your inquiry into my personal well-being (thought balloon, though I suspect it's totally self-serving).

And the tempo is moderated -- not an obviously snippy "fine" but not a blabby "Oh, gosh, I got this cold, and my nose is so runny, and and and golly what else can I say I'm so desperate to talk with you O Swell One...."

Nuttin' pers'nal -- jus' bidness.

And remember, not every communication has to be "about" DB'ing or D'ing. So not every communication has to be primped, puffed, and perfumed to meet some rather arbitrary test of the DB Kung-fu. In fact, I would argue that Working Your Mojo means doing things that don't contribute to DB'ing, but just get the job done.
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#1821078 - 08/18/09 12:34 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: SmileysPerson]
AlexEN Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 792
Loc: IL
Quote:
...
And you say, "Tough head cold but it won't be fatal; thanks for asking." The tone is itself tough -- notice that there's no pronoun "I".

The tenor is cooperative -- you texted me, I texted you, I don't pretend that you don't exist (thought balloon, you heartless scum-sucking pig), and I acknowledge and validate your inquiry into my personal well-being (thought balloon, though I suspect it's totally self-serving).

...Nuttin' pers'nal -- jus' bidness.



I always love Smiley's "thought-balloons"!

Don't know if I agree with the "Thanks for asking"...

But, the last part

Quote:
...Nuttin' pers'nal -- jus' bidness.


...is what it all boils down to... whether or not one is wearing Lederhosen...


Edited by AlexEN (08/18/09 12:37 PM)
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#1821083 - 08/18/09 12:40 PM Re: Guys? Anyone? [Re: AlexEN]
aliveandkicking Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 2917
Ya, if I was going to respond, I wouldn't thank him for asking...

I am not responding because I just don't feel like it right now.

If he asks again, maybe I'll answer.
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