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Well,

I was really looking forward to my plans tonight. I guess it just kind of hurt given the day is all.

I guess I can ask her if she can watch them for a couple of hours while I go to dinner with my friends.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1812185 08/02/09 06:54 PM
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She tried calling. I guess I should call her back. If she does agree to watch them for a couple of hours, should I still go ahead and give her the card and pictures?

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
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Forget about the anniversary.

IMO this is just another example of how she uses you and knows you will be around to drop anything and everything when she needs something from you.

If her friend was in the hospital y'day and there was even the slightest, most remote chance she would need to stay overnight again your W *should* have contacted you y'day letting you know and ASKING if her friend had to stay again, could you keep the girls an extra night.

I would tell her that you have plans and its really too late to cancel them BUT you are CAN keep the girls until normal visiting hours are over and meet her halfway between the hospital and where you need to be for the kid exchange.

If she wants a favor from you, especially regarding last minute plans w/the children, she needs to plan better for all case scenarios. Her friend has an H and yes, while they may have a new baby that is up to her friend and her H to arrange for childcare.

I would not give in all the way but offer an alternative solution that will allow you to keep your plans and for her to stay with her friend a while longer.

Plus, this isnt an emergency IMO and your W needs to really think about routine and stability for the children on drop off and pickup days.

IMO this is the chance to stand up for yourself but you are making it all about a card and photos. Turn your thinking around back to YOU.

Last edited by CityGirl; 08/02/09 06:58 PM.
CityGirl #1812201 08/02/09 07:37 PM
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Well,

I called her back and told her that I already had plans tonight that I didn't want to miss. I offered to watch the kids for the night after. She said she will take them and just keep them. I said ok. She asked how I was. I said fine and I asked her how she is. She said fine. So I will drop them off at 6:30 and then meet my friends for dinner at 7.

My W wasn't planning on staying at the hospital over night. She just wanted to stay later is all so she was going to let me keep the kids over night.

DW and CG, I hear what yall are saying. I'm still going to go ahead and give her the card and pictures and then leave.

CG, I don't feel that I am expecting anything by simply just wondering if she is thinking at all about me today.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
CityGirl #1812212 08/02/09 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: CityGirl


If you expect nothing then why are you *still* wondering if she is thinking about you or remembers or cares? IMO that shows you still do have expectations; not so much in her words or actions but you have expectations about her thoughts.


Ok CityGirl, we got your point. Back off a little for one stinking second. I get it that we are all trying to help Kevin and help him get stronger.

But, by golly, if you keep slapping someone's hand to get them to do / not do something then they only learn to do it to not get slapped. We are trying to make lasting changes in ourselves and we do not get it at the same rate.

I am sorry if this catches you off guard. But, honestly, it isn't very helpful to dissect everything Kevin does or says with I told you so.

I push him, I encourage, but everything has to happen in moderation.

In my never to be humble opinion, there are times that we have to vent. Kevin included.

We do ultimately have to be detached, but if he wants to vent and he can't do it here, then he is welcome to come to my thread and vent his head off.


Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

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Wow, the Wifey! You sure told me! Feel better about yourself?

I never said "I told you so" nor did I say he can't vent and I dont recall you ever posting to the thread before (please pardon me if that is not correct) so clearly you chose this moment to inject yourself for a reason. Care to share?

Kevin has not made one lasting change since I started reading his threads long before I registered here and started posting to him. Nothing in Kevin's world happens in moderation yet there is a group of us that have stuck by him despite his utter resistance to detach and move forward. Thus far, since mid spring he still has not been able to go one full day w/o mentioning his W. I am sure 25 or DavidsWife would be happy to fill you in since we are the ones that have remained firmly planted at his side, spinning our wheels and watching the same thing day after day.

But, thank you for "putting me in my place".
Have a nice night smile


Last edited by CityGirl; 08/02/09 09:25 PM.
CityGirl #1812231 08/02/09 10:52 PM
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I'm off to see W. Please pray that there is a seed planted tonight.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1812233 08/02/09 11:15 PM
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Kevin,

I'm praying you'll be able to keep your emotions in check when you drop off your girls.

And I was puzzled when you replied earlier, but said you were in church??

Stacy


Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15
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Hi Wifey,

I see you're new to this thread -- looks like you started posting here about two weeks ago.

I'm going on six months here w/Kevin. If you have some time, and want to go back and read all of his threads, it might give you a better understanding of the situation he continues to wallow in.

There are not too many posters left here, this is an extremely frustrating thread. But those of us on here, especially CityGirl, 25, Stuck and I -- have continued to try to help Kevin.

Every poster has their own approach, so though you took offense at CG's approach, I don't think Kevin did. If he did, he'd let CG know.

And if you have a chance to follow some of CG's thread, you'll have a better understanding of where she's coming from also.

If you continue to post here - welcome - we need all the reinforcements we can get!

Stacy


Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15
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Thank you, Stacy.

The Wifey - have you read any of my thread? I ask because I acutally had a true nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with a clinical panic disorder due to the BS of the past 19 months with my H. I also have Lupus. BUT the reason I had the breakdown I did was due to my refusal to detach and move forward. The main reason I registered at this site was for Kevin because everything he was doing and is still doing *I* was doing until it got to the point where I became ill. I acutally wound up hospitalized.

Three posts up he says he has no expectations and three posts later he asking for prayers for a seed to be planted because today so happens to be the 12 yr. anniversary of their former marriage. Does that sound healthy to you? Its not.

Kevin is not new to this game and has been separated for over a year. There should be some tangible progress yet there has been very little in his case. He quit counseling after one session. Went to one AA meeting and stopped going. Lagged on getting counseling for his girls and filled many a threads with obsessive chatter about his W and her every move and thought.

I can assure you that mentally and physically breaking down is an experience I wish on nobody so if some tough love is in order, well, I will offer it as I see fit on a public message board.

Most people have bailed on him because its the same thing each day. You dont have to like my style but dont chastise me for it without knowing the full back story.

I spent a good bit of my own time looking up resources for Kevin that he either blew off or never took advantage of. So I cant be all that horrifying simply because I dont see any advantage of sugar coating my words. We have all tried many approaches with Kevin.... soft & gentle, hard nosed, straight up "how it is" and the simple offering of information and proven techniques.

In any situation if you want the best possible outcome you need to do the work. You need to get damn dirty doing the work and really dig in. In my observation that has not yet happened hence my "hard" stance with Kevin.

So, that's that.

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