K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

I am confused. What is it that you don't get about this? Why can't you stop it?

I don't know. I can't stop thinking about her. Even when I don't mention her, I can't stop thinking about her. I guess I worry so much that she will never come back and I don't like the thought of that. I don't want to go the rest of my life without her. So it is always on my mind. It wasn't before any of this started. I was able to think about other things all the time. But since this started, I have not been able to quit thinking about her. So I try and be positive and tell myself she will come back. And I pray for restoration and changes within me. A prayer that Wifey gave me is to ask God to change me in a way that is pleasing to Him and a way that is pleasing to my W. So I have been saying that each day.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Hmmm didn't you have this conversation 11 months ago?

There's a word for what you need to do...DETACH.

Don't even pray for her or mention her in your prayers. Pray for you and your daughters. Pray for their healing.

[K4D]

I guess it just sucks not having anyone to go home to. I don't even have my dog. She is having a good life over at the house with her big back yard. I can't take her away from that and put her in an apartment.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

It's like watching Will Ferrel doing his impression of Harry Carey. Hey you ever wonder if the moon is made out of??? Hey I wonder if X is pregnant??? Hey how many licks does it take to get to the center of a??? Seriously Kev. I think you should start w some meds for ADD. FOCUS on FIXING KEVIN and getting C for the girls. Everything else is blah....

[CityGirl]

Kevin -

You need help. I mean it. You are out of control and you are unable to even manage your own thoughts.

Please think about this and answer me. What if you found a man was obsessing about one of your daughters the way you obsess about your W? This man had every thought, action and motivation to somehow be with one of your daughters despite the fact the daughter in question has made it perfectly clear she wants NOTHING to do with this man. Yet, this man keep doing the same thing. Wouldnt that frighten you? Wouldnt you want that to stop and stop at once? Wouldnt you go to any measure to make sure it did stop?

You may not physically stalk your W but you mentally stalk her in IMO that is far more damaging and dangerous to ALL parties involved (you, your W and your children).

You have mentioned AA again but have provided us with not a single update about the C'ing you claim you were going to work on this week.

I am going to say it. You have no desire to change because its too hard and you are too weak and afraid and a hard work ethic doesnt seem to be part of your nature. Because I think deep down you know if you if you do change and change FOR YOU and YOUR future the possiblity of your W coming back to you are still slim to none. So, in your mind... why bother?

Its maddening. I swear each time I read one of your posts about your W and the crap you wonder about I vow to not post to you anymore. You get more attention than ANYBODY on these boards even though its all negative attention. And frankly, I think you kind of secretly dig it. That way, at least *somebody* is paying attention to you and IMO that is what you crave and need to feel whole.

I am sorry to be so blunt but somebody has to say it. We have all danced around the issue hoping you would have some sort of moment of clarity but thus far, the clouds are way too thick.

There. I said it.

[MrBond]

Are you still taking those anti-depressents?

[kara]

Kevin

Biting my tongue but what the hey? Here goes...

Let us say that for arguments sake it is theoretically possible for you to get your W back. Do you for one moment think that you can do that by continuing with ALL the behaviors she has so clearly shown contempt for? You will NEVER change this sitch until you CHANGE YOU.

CHANGE YOU, Kevin. It is damned hard but not impossible. AA and counselling for your girls will help. The book that you COULD get will help. Detaching will help. Many things will help.But only if you try and keep at them.

It is not as if it is easy for the rest of us and that you alone have the heaviest burden to bear. We have all felt that depth of despair from which we thought we could not escape. We have all tried not to cry because it seemed that if we started we might never stop. We have all asked "Why me?" as if we are all so special and that this should happen to other "non-special" people.

We have all been through it but we all worked to change ourselves. That is how we get to where we are and can laugh, sing, smile and dance again. Where the tears become few and far between. You will always stay at this point unless you do WORK and there are countless people here who are willing to help. You are lucky and do not realise it.

I don't want to be too harsh because I know you do have genuine problems which require medication and professional help. But many people on this board fight depression, lupus, major medical issues, among other things. And still we strive. That is life, Kevin. Life is not fair. God is fair. And there is always someone who has it worse than you.

There is a saying I like to keep in mind:

"If you trust God , why worry. If you worry, why trust God?"

Kev, if you trust God and do the work there is no way you and your kids will lose even if you do not reconcile with W. Your W is not the prize. A healthy Kevin and two happy kids is the prize you need to keep your eyes fixed on. Any thing else is a bonus.

Being positive is not telling yourself that she will come back. Being positive is living your best life even if she doesn't come back.

O.K. Finished.

[aliveandkicking]

A person often does not change until the pain is so intense and he/she hits rock bottom.

Someone I know who is in AA once said to me, "with one more person's 'help' I'd be dead."

Maybe it is time to stop "helping" and let Kevin hit bottom and feel intrinsically motivated to change instead of buffering here.

Ha, best thing that happened to me on this site was 25 bailing on my thread (with much respect to 25)...I went "What the f*ck is wrong with me? She'll keep posting to Kevin but has given up on me?" Seriously, 25, you're brilliant and right and so many great things but do you see this as "working"?

For what it is worth Kevin, I think you can do this. I also think you use this site as a crutch and you need to be absolutely lonely and in your despair to stand a chance of changing. I know you want it. I wish you the best. It is up to YOU!

[25yearsmlc]

Kevin -

You need help. I mean it. You are out of control and you are unable to even manage your own thoughts.

Please think about this and answer me. What if you found a man was obsessing about one of your daughters the way you obsess about your W? This man had every thought, action and motivation to somehow be with one of your daughters despite the fact the daughter in question has made it perfectly clear she wants NOTHING to do with this man. Yet, this man keep doing the same thing. Wouldnt that frighten you? Wouldnt you want that to stop and stop at once? Wouldnt you go to any measure to make sure it did stop?

You may not physically stalk your W but you mentally stalk her in IMO that is far more damaging and dangerous to ALL parties involved (you, your W and your children).

You have mentioned AA again but have provided us with not a single update about the C'ing you claim you were going to work on this week.

I am going to say it. You have no desire to change because its too hard and you are too weak and afraid and a hard work ethic doesnt seem to be part of your nature. Because I think deep down you know if you if you do change and change FOR YOU and YOUR future the possiblity of your W coming back to you are still slim to none. So, in your mind... why bother?

Its maddening. I swear each time I read one of your posts about your W and the crap you wonder about I vow to not post to you anymore. You get more attention than ANYBODY on these boards even though its all negative attention. And frankly, I think you kind of secretly dig it. That way, at least *somebody* is paying attention to you and IMO that is what you crave and need to feel whole.

I am sorry to be so blunt but somebody has to say it. We have all danced around the issue hoping you would have some sort of moment of clarity but thus far, the clouds are way too thick.

There. I said it.

Everything CG said...and MORE...Christ, this is insane. And I feel like I am insane too for posting here. WTH is wrong with you that you "can't stop thinking about her" even NOW? BS!! It's worse than I was IN HIGH SCHOOL and I was only that way for the summer, AND if I were an adult with 2 kids acting and feeling like you do, I would KNOW I NEED HELP and I WOULD GET THAT HELP unless I was too nuts and used to being nuts to want to change...stop farting around about it. If your pain is so deep, why not FIX IT? I know one thing for sure....I would do whatever it took to not feel or act like you seem to be.

God help you, b/c you sure won't help yourself.
j-

[K4D]

Wow,

I got back from my AA meeting and was going to talk about what a great meeting it was and I read all of this. I am still on my medication.

Anyways, the speaker at our meeting was covering step 3. He was really funny, but at the same time said stuff that hit home. He has been sober since 1971. He said things like if you think of yourself as having a crappy life, then it is going to be a crappy life. If you think of yourself as having a good life, you will have a good live and project that good life. I made me think, what is so bad about my life? Why am I so miserable that I can't enjoy anything. Is my life that bad? Why do I let what my W thinks and does control me and my happiness? All it has done is make me miserable. It made me get up off my butt and start smiling and thinking my life isn't so bad.

I went shopping after and just started smiling and I got in line and the cashier noticed me just smiling and she had been quiet until I got there but then she started smiling back at me and talking to me. She was cute to. But that is beside the point. I just stood there smiling and looking confident and she was chatty with me. To funny. As I walked out I thought, I can project a good life for myself. I can work on improving my future. So why haven't I? Its time to start. I can get other people to like me and talk to me and want to be around me simply by changing my outlook on life. It was an interesting experiment.

So I came home and kept positive and happy while I put away my groceries and then realized I lost my loaf of bread somewhere. Oh well, no biggie. I will get more.

Then I realized I forgot to get some frozen pizza's. I always feel like I am forgetting something when I leave the store and sure enough I do. And I never realize it until I get home. Such is life. I do have hotdog buns though. I can make sandwiches out of that until I go back to the store.

Anyways, back to me. I am definitely going to keep going to the AA meetings as I think they are good for me. The people were friendly there again. I don't really have an official sponsor, but I have 2 people that told me to call them if I feel like taking a drink until I get a permanent sponsor.

I am going to try and get into work early tomorrow and stop focusing on W. I can make something out of this job and more if I remove her from my mind. I have always said if you can't make it in DFW you can't make it anywhere. And I believe that. So its time to start making something here.

I agree. Change has to come from me. People see me how I project myself. I see that. It is time to start smiling and remembering I do have value regardless of what W thinks. When I smile at people they smile back and are more geared to talking and being friendly. It makes life more enjoyable. Plus it is hard to feel negative if you are smiling all the time. I gotta keep positive thoughts of the opportunities out there and not dwell on what I don't have. It is all a mindset. I just have to train my mind each day that it is going to be a good day and opportunities for whatever are out there. If I don't see me as positive, of course my W and anyone else isn't going to see me as positive and want to have anything to do with me.

The meeting tonight was good. I am getting a lot out of this. And you do have to work it for it to work. I never believed it mattered before. But I am starting to believe it does matter and can work if you put the effort into it.

I wanted to go to TGIF on the way home for happy hour. But instead I went to AA and feel so much better for doing it. I would have missed a great meeting had I not gone and I wouldn't have gotten anywhere at TGIF other than stupid misery.

Kevin