K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

I just got an email from FaithfulH saying he won't be able to make it this weekend because of getting their house ready to sell. But we will get together later. I'm not sure if Tomato is coming or not yet. But if you want to get together, let me know. We can still hang out even if one or both of them can't make it.

Kevin

[The Wifey]

Wifey,

thanks for sharing that kind hearted post with us, wifey. I am sure it was not meant to sound smug or condescending, or critical and hypocritcal all at the same time, like the way you blasted cg, who has also posted here for months, (not weeks), with detailed lists of suggestions that were incredibly time consuming and almost completely ignored.

Can the sarcasm. I know I hit a nerve. I call it like I see it. You were saying the same things over and over and over and he didn't change, yet you kept saying it.

Unlike you, who shows up late at the party and tells the rest of us how to do it "right", why not stick around for MONTHS POSTING, not merely "lurking" til you can come in and blast US and then "show us how it is done" only to repeat to K4, what WE said months ago, and NOT more kindly than we did then btw....

I can only say that my "party" started a long time ago. What you were doing or saying wasn't working. Sorry you feel I wasn't as kindly.

and practice what you preach about the 2 x 4 s. OMG you have such double standards!

I never said not to 2x4 him. If he needs it he gets it. I did say you were frustrated and needed to take a break.

We all have our tales to tell and had kids in the hospital last week, or deaths to deal with, or CG's horrible health problems that make K4's look like middle school problems,

And you were all in my prayers for everything. It is horrible how life seems to pile up the problems some times.

and then to come and see k4 whine about "Being abandoned" after Publicly saying he only wants positive feedback (his words) but privately asking ME to not give up on him. well K4, I have to, but Yeah I thought you needed an explanation for my not posting here, and I stand by it!

That is between you and him and I never directly addressed the whining. I go by my training - reward the good and do your best to ignore the bad, because even negative attention is a reward of attention.

But again, YOUR message wifey could have left out 2/3 of it to get YOUR "important" message across. You still owe CG an apology. I doubt she's waiting for one.

I don't owe you the information, but I did apologize to CG and told her she was a lady of class and grace.

You hurl out the 2 x 4's and then pretend to have done it lovingly. Please... Be here, in 8 months posting to kevin at least 4 times a week and then tell everyone how to do it "right". Actually that would still be obnoxious.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I call it like I see it. All I said was take a break because you are frustrated and your posts, in a frustrated state, dripping with that frustration, were not helping him to change one bit. And they were obviously causing you distress.

Do YOU feel better now? I think that's what your goal was. Hope it worked.

My goal? My goal? mind-reading? Dear, my goal was just to get everyone to stop, take a break, and move on in a constructive way.

What was being said was not helping. You could continue to do the same thing over and over. Or not.

The only thing you are correct in is that it IS frustrating to watch K4 go in circles, and NOT help his d's. He has, if it's true, (b/c you have hidden things in the past k4) "set up" appointments for his d's soon...okay well

MY kids got appointments within a week of the bomb, and I didnt' ask h for any input really. (Why would the WAS want to admit there might be a problem? Why would I wait for permission to help my d's pain?) I just dealt with it alone just like I dealt with their nightmares and tears....

and now h is back home and feels pain and shame and is working hard on his Rs with the girls, and they are STILL getting c! Why not? Their well being always came before mine, b/c they are inextricably linked.
it's the only thing I give a crap about in this thread now, is those girls.

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the need for C for his d's and for himself.

I hope k4's girls somehow get thru this without HIS pain ruling their lives.

And k4, yes my d is out of the hospital, as you MAY know, (from the other threads.)

I am so glad she is on the mend. Nothing ever scared me more than when my s was in the hospital.

Wifey, again I would suggest you practice what you preach. Don't tell others not to give 2 x 4's while you doing that exact thing to them. It's just hypocritical and self righteous, and I was clearly not going to post here anymore anyhow so it was also totally unecessary.

Please re-read my posts and tell me where I said not to 2x4 him? The posts had gotten quite snarky and you were obviously short on patience.

Perhaps my communication is lacking here - but you needed to take a break. IF you tell someone to do A over and over and they don't do A, you can keep telling them to do A or just stop for a bit and get your bearings. Then you might be able to think about B or C. Or even make the decision not to say anything and let them flounder.

Also, it was not at all clear that you were not going to post here again because you and others have said it and then continued to post.

Ever wonder why you do this to so many women?

j-

Hmmmmmm, so how many women have I done this to?

[The Wifey]

I stick by everything that 25 said. Those of us that have been year for almost a year feel the same way.

Kevin is right. He does owe his current mindset to 25 and others that cared enough to take the time to write LONG posts about what he SHOULD be doing. Those of you that have not been a part of Kevin's story from the very beginning should stay out of it. He knows how long this process has taken and is still taking.

The truths hurts. If Kevin wanted to have sunshine blown up his butt then he could have gone somewhere else.

I firmly believe Kevin is where he is today because of the wise words and advice he learned from 25 and others that took the time to write to him. It's so easy to come in after and judge. If he didnt want feedback then he should have not written on an OPEN website.

Just ask Kevin. He'd be glad to explain it for you.

PMA

PMA, my dear, no sunshine is blowing up anyone's butt. (Unless you swing that way and then, well, anyways)

I did not JUDGE anyone. I still don't. Kevin has a long way to go and he does have much to be thankful to all of the people that have shared their time and heart with him.

Sometimes people just need to take a step back. Remember the analogy about the see saw?

[antlers]

"Reward the good and do your best to ignore the bad, because even negative attention is a reward of attention." - The Wifey


This is good stuff...I'm gonna remember this! Thanks.

[K4D]

the only thing I give a crap about in this thread now, is those girls.

I know.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Come on kevin, seriously...how many times do I have to say it, "detachment does NOT mean giving up"?? I must have said this 100 times to you. You want to pretend that ALL the people here who tell you to let go, mean "give up" (and maybe SOME DO), but not all by a long shot...

You have to detach, and that is a fundamental truth you have not fully understood or practiced. I DO think that is a big diff between faithfulH and several others, AND I can tell you that it worked for me as well.

You haVe to get to the point where you know you are going to be alright no matter what, b/c God has something good for you coming around the corner NO MATTER WHAT YOUR WIFE, who has free will, CHOOSES TO DO...if you insist that God WILL restore your m no matter what, then you escape/avoid the responsibility for your own actions and taking charge of your life....and rather than getting into a debate about that, instead, let's just agree to disagree and get back to your d's...please....
j-

[K4D]

No debate 25. I agree that I need to continue to make changes. I never said I didn't. Obviously if I stay a slimeball, God is never going to restore my M. The 2 go hand in hand.

Maybe I don't communicate things very well. But I am not in disagreement with you on changes. Trying to detach while still being mindful to pray for W and me is coming at a challenge for me. But I do not disagree with what you are saying.

I need to finish listening to my codependent no more audio cds.

As for my girls since that is what most are primarily concerned with, they are doing fine. They both had a good day their first day of school. Things went very smoothly for them. D11 had her first chior practice tonight with the Childrens Chior of Greater Dallas which she had to audition for and made it. They did really good.

D7's first dance class is tomorrow night. She is looking forward to it. They are both enjoying their grandpa here. He is really great with them.

Wednesday is the big C session for them. Thursday I have to go sign the title to our van over since W's new vehicle will be arriving. Friday the girls and me will figure out something fun to do. Saturday W gets them back. My plans are now canceled for Saturday so W was planning on my girls and her staying the night at W's best friends house. However, D11 hates going over there and wants to stay with me Saturday night instead. W told her I already had plans, and I did. But since I don't now, D11 is free to ask her mom if she can stay with me since she hates going over to W's friends house.

I don't know what else to say about my daughters at this time. It is definitely becoming difficult to keep there emotions at a healthy level. I'm sure glad they are starting C. Whether W joins in or not doesn't really matter to me. It is for the girls. As far as I can tell, W wants nothing to do with it after this first session. Thats cool. I will take care of it for the girls.

Why is it that God doesn't seem to bring S's back until the LBS is ready to live life without them? Maybe that is when the true change has finally occured and God says now you are ready.

25, I know that I will be ok on my own if she doesn't come back. It won't be as great a life as what it could be, but I will make it.

I'm not going to debate you on anything. I don't really disagree with you on most points. You are and have been like a teacher for me. For that I am grateful. I don't mean to frusturate you or anyone else on here. I am still moving forward and trying to adjust with applying peices of advice here and there. I just move slowly on some things.

Kevin

Kevin

[K4D]

Kevin, I have nothing but empathy and affection for everyone here, especially you. However, you are telling me you understand and you don't. You really really don't.

Your anger relieves your pain temporarily. It has nothing to do with detaching. Perhaps anger can proceed detachment but since you are either angry OR overly invested in W, I don't think anger gets you there. Read other threads, read Thinkers thread, read Smileys thread, read my thread. Stop getting hung up on dating or morality or religious differences. NO one is telling you to give up or to date or to violate your religious convictions...just flippin' read about what works and what has led others to a place of peace and self-assuredness. I would bet everything I've got that your W will never truly come back to you unless you man the heck up and get this detachment thing for real. Maybe if she's really desperate and feels sorry for you, she'll come back to you and you can have THAT kind of jacked up relationship but really Kevin, don't you think God has called on you to go through this so you can have better???? Sorry to even throw in God because I am not religious but I get where you come from and if you could get the concepts within the context of your religion, I think there'd be more likelihood of change.

That's all I'm saying about that. I feel like an a** even trying. But I wish you luck.

From A&K on Orich's thread

I believe God has called on me to go through this for some reason. I think I know some of those reasons. I don't know all of them and I don't know what he has in store for later on. That is where trust and faith have to come in.

Kevin

[volleydog]

Kev,

Was yesterday your D's appt with C? If so how did it go?

[K4D]

VD,

The appointment is tonight at 6:30 central time. I will post tonight how it went after. W decided she will show up. Yesterday she wasn't sure if she was going to be going or not. She was more annoyed that it interfered with a church chior thing the girls have going on from 5:30 to 6:30. I told her I am doing this for the girls and this was the time available this week. She was annoyed.

Then she asked me to switch my own appointment from Mondays to another day because D11 has Dallas chior on Monday nights. The only other night available was Friday. So I did that. She was annoyed with that probably because it interferes with her happy hour. She gets the girls after work when I go to my thing with the priest and then I pick them up after on my weeks.

She did say I can have D11 this Saturday night since W and D7 will be staying the night at W's best friends house to watch best friends daughter and D11 hates going over there and my plans were canceled. Also I did not take D7 to dance last night because it was my dad's last night in town and so I rescheduled it for Saturday morning as a make up session. Originally she was annoyed with that but then asked me to take D7 saturday morning to which I agreed I would since I was the reason she wasn't going last night.

W is more annoyed at scheduling timings now. I'm just sitting back thinking get used to it. Not everyone lives by your schedule and you want this separation/divorce. Things are just going to be rosey for you. I didn't say any of that, was just thinking it.

She wants the girls C on my weeks, not hers. I don't think she truly has any interest in them being in C.

But yes, tonight is the night of the first appointment. Thanks for asking.

Kevin