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I don't think she will be playing the role of Marlon Brando. My BIL knows how to handle her. He isn't intimidated by her. He has 5,000 people under him at work. You can't get that far and not be able to face people and handle them.

I just wonder what the point of her wanting to show up is when he doesn't condone what she is doing.

I don't think she is trying to play married when she wants and single when she wants. She is definitely playing single. When my dad was here, she wasn't interested in getting together with him.

She may want something.

In the mean time, I get to get my kids early today since I am off work. So heading out to do that.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1872247 11/11/09 09:32 PM
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Quote:
Geez I can't believe I fell for the wanting attention thing again.


Stuck, I am not looking for attention. I was posting the situation.

I like what CG said to do. I think I will go with that.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
MrBond #1872248 11/11/09 09:33 PM
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It's like trying not to look at a car accident.

Nothing to see here is easier said then done.

Kev. I agree. It's what I have been saying from day one. She doesnt RESPECT YOU as H as FATHER as HUMAN BEING. Either you decide you DONT CARE what she thinks = Detaching, Moving on, Divorcing, etc... OR you CHOOSE to CARE and START gaining her RESPECT again. Come on now. You have been doing this way too long to not get that yet.

Start taking back CONTROL by CONTROLLING your interactions with her. That is one of things YOU can CONTROL that concerns her.

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Quote:
The only thing I can figure is that my BIL is very successful in the banking world. W is doing alot of what my BIL did starting out. My W values people on their financial successes and positions. My W also loves to brag about hers. So I am wondering if this is more of a "look at me, I am on the road to doing what you do" kind of thing. I don't know, but I just can't really figure any other reason for this.

She knows he staunchly stands against what she is doing. My BIL is a traditional catholic with 7 kids. Very profamily. My W obviously knows where I stand with our M.

So what does she want? I guess that is the million dollar question. Is it just to brag about herself and associate with someone she knows is successful? I don't know. She has no control over him. She has no control over anything we discuss. She knows that he knows about her first A.

Maybe in her warped mind she thinks there is a friendship there. Hard to figure. Now he does treat her like part of the family still as they communicate occasionally about what is going on. But he also tries to insert some influence into her reconsidering her position when they do.

I don't know and he doesn't know either. Maybe it would be better to find a way out of that dinner.

Kevin


Kevin,

Your spending WAY to much of YOUR time trying to figure out what is on your W's mind. You have to let this go, you can not know what she is thinking or why, so do not waste your time trying to figure it out. When you get it wrong, and you will, you just cause yourself more suffering.

Get her out of the dinner, because it's what you want and need, not because you want to see her, or wonder what's on her mind, or why she wants to see your BIL. Honestly, who cares why she wants to come? Do you want it? If not, then make other plans.

Are you worried she will be mad if she can't come? If your still doing things because of her, instead of yourself, you need to do a lot more work on you.

It comes off to her as completely weak if she inserts herself into this, and you meekly agree.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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This happened a couple of weeks ago. Today she wanted to know what time to plan on us having dinner.

Ok, I really have to go now.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1872267 11/11/09 09:43 PM
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What? What r u talking about? Go where? Potty? To dinner? What? You DONT have to do anything! That is what we ALL have been saying. STOP letting her CONTROL you.

Show her a NEW, Confident Kevin that is tired of APOLOGIZING for the PAST and wants to be happy and MOVE ON. Tell her that you agree that it's over and start making custody arrangements. Show her that you are tired of her crap and are taking BACK THE CONTROL. Do it ALL while being RESPECTFUL just matter of fact PERIOD.

If it's OVER it's OVER. No amount of convincing or being Mr. Nice guy is going to get her back. Getting a back bone and showing her a new, confident YOU that is NOT going to be manipulated by her is the ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE PERIOD!!! ugh!!!

K4D #1872272 11/11/09 09:47 PM
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It doesn't matter if your BIL knows how to "handle her" because YOU don't know how to handle her.

You have a very golden opportunity here to let her know she is not in charge, she will not include herself in plans that involve your family unless she is invited and it simply will not happen.

SHE is the one that has been adamant that you only discuss the children. Since this is an adults only dinner then discussing the children would not be a topic of discussion therefore it would cross the boundary SHE set. If she has something to say about that you can gently remind her SHE is not the only one with the ability to set boundaries and if you honor and respect her boundaries then it's high time she start offering you the same courtesy.

Your wife is crafty and sneaky and you are probably right, she does in fact want something. Just let her know she won't be getting it from you or your BIL.

If you need some courage to make this clear to her just remember how RUDE she was about her b-day, rubbing her party in your nose and not including you or all the times you were told to wait in the yard because her mother can't stand the sight of you. Recall all the babbling that you were foolish enough to listen to about her sugar daddy that was so interesting to her. Don't bring any of that up but don't forget it either. Do not reward her bad behavior.

This is not her reaching out to you - this is about HER and whatever motives she has up her sleeve. You are on the cusp of being able to start nipping all this in the bud, don't lose sight now.

CityGirl #1872277 11/11/09 09:55 PM
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uh he meant he had to go and pick up his Ds.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1872316 11/11/09 10:27 PM
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the dinner is great idea, kevin. shes already planning on it. you're stuck, now.

Sooooooo.............

get a baby sitter.

and tell your wife, you are looking forward to this we haven't been on a date in years.

get a baby sitter. NO KIDS. she walked right into this one.

your brother in law's from out of town right? take them to Billy Bob's Texas. set him up with one of those softball girls from the summer or some other girl you know. double date. two guys two girls no kids in the worlds largest honky tonk.

you got some social interaction experience the other night. bet you didnt talk to that bar fly about relationships and working things out. so treat your ex-wife the same. fun fun fun. youre so f'ing easy. im gonna get me some fun.

You a real Cowboy? Know how to do 2-step?

Get your wife drunk, and get her to ride the bull like Debra Winger. Things went south with the OM. She wouldnt want anything to do with you if things were good. she owes you a birthday present.

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I have read some funny things on this site but the "worlds largest honky tonk" has to be one of the funniest.

Kevin, if you actually say and do that I will fly to Dallas, NOT shake the sh*t out of you (well, I still might but not for 15 min. like I originally said, probably more like 5 min) and still take you dancing.

If you get your wife tanked and she does get on a bull we will need photos and I do hope you plan to use that photo on your holiday greeting cards this year.

The last time I was in Los Angeles for work my hotel had a clear view of a bar with a bull in it. I laughed myself sick watching all the drunk fools try and ride it.

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