Hi Cas, I hope you are making a good recovery from your surgery, it must be hard dealing with trying to get well and deal with a difficult H at the same time.
Thanks Oz, I've been living with dodgy health and a difficult H for a while now, I guess I'm just used to it. I do know that I get stronger all the time and less affected by his moods. I am resilient!
Makes perfect sense, my H never asks although I know he asks the kids what I’m up to, difficult to remain mysterious with that lot. Sort of similar to you, I kept asking how he was etc. and in the main got yes/no/OK type of answers unless it was about work and then he was a bit more forthcoming. So I decided not to ask and I think that’s led him to become even more distant and has created an awkwardness between us.
Pulling back for me has not encouraged him to take the lead at all. Still it’s your H we’re talking about and not mine.
Just a word of warning – try it but watch closely.
I'm going really well. Heading back to see the surgeon tomorrow which is exciting. I hope to lose the white stockings and perhaps even the bandages, although they are no big deal but I would like to check out the surgeon's handiwork. Walking is getting easier and I am looking forward to better sleep now that my wounds are healing. The lack of sleep probably explains my teariness anyway. It's getting boring being at home on my own and I crave some more company but all my friends and family are working people.
Last night's issue with H was so silly because it related to a school form and really wasn't too difficult. I think H was tired and grumpy and was using it as one of his 'pull back' strategies. He text earlier and was not helpful and then emailed a sensible response late tonight. It's annoying but it won't last.
His parents arrive tomorrow. That's exciting!
Like you, I tried pulling back quite seriously early on and it really did not work. He became really distant. I will just experiment but I still think being friendly and affirming works best. I just get grumpy and swear I'll never be nice to him again but I don't really mean it. I'm just too soft where he's concerned.
The kids and I went after school to visit H's parents who arrived for a holiday. While there D's phone rang and it was H.
He was calling to see if we would all like to go to dinner at a local restaurant. It was quite enjoyable although H initially seemed to avoid initiating conversation with me.He was quite considerate though, asking if I could manage the walk, asking how my meal was and topping up my glass.
MIL tells me ow is ill at present and is going for some tests. MIL said that's all H said about her.
The more of thought of it I don't think H intended me to go to dinner. That would explain why he didn't initiate much conversation. Of course, he was polite and attentive because his parents were there. I quietly asked him later how much I owed for the meal and he insisted on paying so he obviously didn't feel too strongly about my presence.
I have been feeling a bit restless/impatient about things with H lately. I have had success and I don't want to spoil things with my impatience. He has told me before that I need to be more patient. Do I.... 1 keep going as I have, patiently affirming the positives, 2. retreat and go a little dark or 3. issue an invitation?
Wow glad you’ve lost the stockings, it must feel so much better. Hope your recovery continues to go well.
Friendly and affirming is what works for me up to a point and then my H pulls back again. It’s almost as if he’s enjoying my company and then remembers that he shouldn’t be so he becomes distant again. As if he’s made his decision and will stick to it whether it’s right or wrong. Weird eh?
If, and you seem to be saying that it is, affirming is what's working continue to do that for a bit longer. Whilst the in-laws are staying there maybe a few more opportunities to get together and you will get a better idea of whether that approach is working. Should all go well I'd issue an invitation, how inviting the in-laws plus your H for a get together at your house with the kids - that's non threatening I think
As we’re the ones trying to repair the M I think we sometimes over analyse, they probably know nothing of pull back strategies etc and probably don’t care.
