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I stuffed up tonight. H came over to take D and I to a school meeting. He came into the house, sat on the couch to wait and basically ignored me. I kept telling myself to be grateful he was driving us to the meeting. He dropped us at the meeting (which of course he too ideally should have attended.)

He picked us up 25 minutes late. No apologies, no comment. Normally it wouldn't be so bad but of course I'm not really up to standing too long and shouldn't be out in the cold either. He did get out of the car to help me at each end of the journey.

I had sent him an email re S yesterday and I asked if he had responded. I got a mouth full about how busy he is and unfortunately I wasn't too kind in response. Oops Now Ill be given the silent treatment. I am so sick of playing this game where I have to behave perfectly and he can do what he likes!

Feel free to belt me one. What to do now? Do I leave it or initiate an apology? A 180 would be to do nothing. I always fix things cos I hate the tension between us. What do you think?

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Cas,

Everyone is allowed to get angry with the other half. The problem is keeping it inside yourself. Hard but has to be done. They see nothing wrong with the way they treat people. All very self centered and absorbed in what is happening in their world.

Grief that sounds so callous.

Don't do a thing. Nothing, Nada. Don't try to fix.

Take the time for yourself - forget Mr Grumpy. Let him have the time to sort out his issues while you look after yourself.

Now if only I would take some of my own advice wink

((((Cas))))

Mac

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Thanks so much Mac. I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I feel so teary and emotional. Think it's post surgery blues. I could cry a bucket load of tears for no real reason. I've been like this for a couple of days-feeling teary but not actually crying.

It hurts that H barely even bothers to ask how I am. He asks but the way he asks you feel as though you should answer good or fine with no further explanation and he doesn't ask for any further info either. He's not callous, but just self absorbed. As I said, he opened the car door for me and helped me get in and out the car and gave me his jacket to protect me from the seat belt. In that way he was very caring.

I guess the fact that he was going from here to ow place didn't help either.

Thanks Mac. I am going to take your advice and not make contact and see what happens.

Cas

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Sorry I didn’t realize that the kids were there too. Ah well hang on to the positives he didn’t have to come or help you in the car. We have to remember to be realistic too, it can be all too easy to over analyse and see everything as a baby step, when all it is is nothing.

Do you think you’ll see the in-laws, now that could be interesting.

Do nothing particularly if that’s a 180, don’t try to fix sometimes least said soonest mended perhaps.

You’re bound to have days when you feel teary and low, you’ve just had surgery, treat yourself gently and take care.

Chin up girl!!


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Hey Bonny,

I will see the in laws for sure. I have a wonderful relationship with them and the kids and I are so looking forward to seeing them. They haven't visited in 2 years.

H has always been close to his parents but when his A was revealed he and his parents stopped speaking for quite a while. They resumed speaking a few months ago but things are still tense. His parents are leaving it to him to initiate contact. He plans on visiting the first afternoon they arrive and taking the kids with him. (according to the kids)

I'm sure the inlaws would love to see us reconcile but they tell me to move on because they say I deserve better. Sometimes I agree!!

Cas

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Cas,

No it wasn't the best behaviour by him. The trick (according to Jody) is to reward good behaviour and to ignore and not acknowledge bad. You don't have to be 'nice' when he isn't treating you as he should and have to suck it up.

I would just leave it now, no point revisiting.

Big hugs, I hope the tearyness passes soon. I think you are doing really well!


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I have to say that I am beginning to wonder why I keep putting myself through all this!

As you suggest, Julia, I very much work off Jody's idea of rewarding the positive and ignoring the rest and I think that has pretty much got me the moves forward to date. However, I guess I get tired and hurt and after a while I get fed up with it all. He says we should be friends but I suggest we have very different ideas on friendship!

I am thinking that I need to change things a bit. When I see him I always ask how he is and what he's been up to. He might ask, "How are you?" but that's about it. He never asks about my work, health or social activities. If I tell him he responds and appears interested but I don't think he can actually initiate such conversation because he would be appearing too interested. Does this make sense?

I am not going to make contact now and just see what happens.

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Cas,

Maybe try mixing it up. Don't ask how he is for awhile. If he asks you, be mysterious... don't give him much detail and leave him wondering what you're up to. If you've been out with friends, you were just out; period. Keep it short and you'll avoid the feeling that he's not interested, and if you usually ask how he is, and then stop, he may be curious why you don't seem to make the small talk anymore.

just a thought...

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Thank you mnt_dreams. It's a great thought and I must take on some of these new ideas. I think I am just a little sensitive at the moment which isn't helping and of course, following surgery I'm a little house bound.

Cas

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It seems that H is being difficult. It's his pull back routine which I should be used to by now. I need to sit tight cos he'll be back in contact shortly. It does get infuriating, though.

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