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Hey BeingMe, Dawn, Peace, Kimmie, et al.

Thanks for being here and thanks for every post. I truly rely on the strength and power of this group to keep me honest and to keep me from going crazy! I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this but I do know that this journey shows you how many wonderful, caring people are out there - each of you so special and so undeserving of this roller coaster ride from hell.

Well, I am in Denver. I hesitated but felt I needed to get away and live for a few days in a normal real world and to be as fun and loving as I could to my family. H had wanted me to complete the financial D paperwork before I left Tuesday a.m. so he would mail that along with retainer fee for the attorney H choose. It did not happen for reasons to follow; however, I would not have done it anyway. Why? Because you all are right I need my own L and have no reason to simply trust H or to let H make me feel like a money grubbing, whore. I had told him Sunday night that I intended to contact an attorney and was not onboard with his idea of how to D. I also matter of fact told H that if he was so concerned with money we could D on our own (lots and lots of paperwork). H declared we could not D on our own because we had been married more than 8 yrs; however, I had done some initial research and I truly believed he was wrong.

Monday, day before Denver trip, H began the day with a chip on his shoulder and was quite hostile and grouchy. H started blaming me for stuff not getting done at work, etc. I had had enough, I told him that he could have taken care of it himself if it was so important and I was not accepting his blame. About an hour later H came into the room with tears running down his face. H looked so sad and broken. At lunch I found him laying in bed, still weeping. I sat next to him and asked him if he would be able to work or if I needed to cancel my trip. He said to go, I told him that I was very concerned with his mental state and told him for just a moment to trust me as his friend. I told him that he seems to be severely depressed and I think he is running away to try and get away from the depression but it would follow him. We have had this conversation before, but this time H said you may be right but it was just too late. H got up and left the room. I did not pursue, in fact, I just felt sad for him.

I had so much to do in the afternoon that I did not see H again until dinner time. H was still weepy. I told him I was going to run a couple of errands. I brought back some dinner and H was just sitting in the livingroom staring off into space when I got back. He ate like a maniac. I kept waiting for H to ask if I had finished the paperwork, etc. He layed on the couch just watching me go back and forth washing clothes, packing, etc. Again I found him weeping, I walked over to him and gave him a hug and just rubbed his back. I had so much to say but I kept it brief. I told H that I really did feel bad as his friend that whatever was going on inside him was causing so much pain. I had asked if he would consent to a doctor's visit to check his fluid levels. H indicated right away that he was not interested in taking any depression medication, etc. I told him I truly could not help him, he needed to come to the realization he is in crisis and needs to seek help or he will continue to feel like this and will end up if he continues his plans/path for the future worse off. I told him that couples do D and we have had so much between us that I did not expect any miracles at this point but again as his friend I was so concerned! I asked when I get back if we could get a mental health checkup and he just said snidely sure. H told me that I was the only reason that he was half the human being that he is and how the back rub had felt so wonderful, the power of touch so strong. Than I walked away to get ready for bed.

I was exhausted and sure enough just as I got up to leave H asks if the D paperwork was mostly completed. I said no and in fact was nowhere near ready. H replied no problem and I went to bed. H came back to bed shortly after and rubbed my back.

The next morning I was up early getting ready and picked up the D papers to move them off the kitchen table. I noticed the attorney retainer agreement was not signed but he had a blank check attached to it. My heart sank but I said nothing. BTW, H told me the day before he would not mail any paperwork or retain an attorney while I was gone. Of course, I want to believe him but a big part of me says stop being a chump. So I left and will not know until I get back Sunday. I am trying hard not to try and guess. But guess what cannot shut down my mind...

H took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye. H said I love you (no it was not romantic or bonding moment; in fact he was back to his indifferent self). When I got to Denver I checked in with my SIL and she remarked she had seen H on Sunday night at their mother's place and H kept asking questions of my SIL about her friend whose husband had left her and her kids for a younger woman two years ago. Neither of us knew what that meant if anything so I just let her know where I could be reached if anything came up. I checked my e-mail and had a note from my potential L that she would look over the financial paperwork when complete if I wished and I also rec'd an e-mail from my 4th District Court stating we could do divorce on our own (again stating much paperwork and probably going before a judge if we did it alone). I have not shared this information with H and do not intend to while on vacation. I have some hope but with him being so all over the place with his emotions I do not doubt there is a big possibility he will go ahead and retain an attorney while I am gone, even though he promised he would not.

I do want to detach and I know that is the step I need to take. What I do not know is if my H is playing me or if he is really starting to realize he cannot fix on his own what is happening to him. Or, if the time apart will just help solidify his plans and need to go forward. I can only imagine a man doesn't want to appear weak and needy so he will continue on the path of self destruction.

H has called me each night, very detached, but said at the end of the conversation love ya and to wish me a good time with family. I have been obsessing about what will happen when I get back. Will he acknowledge his depression or will he just go back to his old ways and start pushing filling out D papers again. I was driving myself nuts until I finally decided this morning that either way I have no control. Either way when I get back it will be a difficult road ahead. Best case scenario he admits he needs some help, worst case scenario he pushes D. I decided if he pushes D I will retain my own attorney no matter the consequences. I will also at that point tell him no more physical contact.

Does this match anyone else's experiences? If so, any advice or guess on his next move would be very appreciated. Does my plan on how to act when I get back seem sound or am I in lala land?

Thanks for listening,
Chel

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No kids, 1 cat
Bomb 5/16/09
Divorce papers in the middle of our lives just waiting to be completed...trying to detach

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Michelle
every situation has some similarities and differences
MY xh was very mixed in the beginning..he still lives at home 4 months after bomb although he was secretly sleeping with OW
MY x thought he was honest about his choice since he Told me he wanted out even though we were still M and living together
my X had swings during these 2 years especially the first year of calling, visiting frequently and not picking up calls and withdrawing
only TIME will really tell if your H is going to seek help
you planted the seeds thats really all you can do
and you handled him well
your choice to retain attorney is an excellent choice
and stopping physical contact is also also a wise choice at this time to help you detatch
if you can start your own therapy that will help
good luck
you re doing great
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Quote:
Best case scenario he admits he needs some help, worst case scenario he pushes D. I decided if he pushes D I will retain my own attorney no matter the consequences. I will also at that point tell him no more physical contact.

Good way of looking at this, Chel. Your H is sure putting you through an emotional rollercoaster, but I feel that you are starting to detach. When all is said and done, your H certainly has not been the worse MLC'er, actually, one of the better ones, but the emotions involved are no less painful. Sometimes, when they go completely crazy it makes it easier to detach and let go. But, when they're like your H, it's difficult.

Perhaps it was a good idea to go to Denver (only you know what's good for you and it seems this is) --- maybe give your H a chance to see what life is without you, and give you an emotional battery recharge, familywise.

My H and I are going camping today until Saturday morning. It's going to be interesting to see what camping is like without our children.

Enjoy your break! grin


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Hey thanks,

I think your camping trip will go well, just relax, smile and 'be you' let the beauty of nature do the rest. You have a perfect back drop for being together.

It was good to hear how you phrased that my MLC'er is better than most because I felt after reading some posts just awful at how the complete disconnect both mentally, verbally and physically took place all at the same time and so abruptly. However, at times I wished H would have just done that because he vacilates between being loving and cruel. Even today H called to make sure I was having a good time and if I needed him to do anything around the house. That was nice and you would expect it from someone who is acting as an appropriate spouse; however, it has the power to lull myself into a false sense of security and I just cannot do that anymore.

Well, anyway. As I said doesn't appear as though I will really know until I get back.

So I wish us both well and will be anxious to hear about your camping trip.

One day at a time, right?

Chel

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs. Together 20 yrs.
No kids, 1 cat
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers unsigned in H's hands

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Peace,

So true, my H too believes that being he has told me he no longer wants to be married that no matter how he acts, loving, sexual it in no way means there is a chance to stay together. If I have ever felt there was some real progress with my DB'ing and H was responding well; he would no sooner make it clear that he still wanted a divorce. Sometimes I think H is convinced that I will wake up, accept what is happening be his friend and still hang out in the future with our new mates. He feels our bond is strong enough to endure this and remain best friends, that I agree this will be the best outcome for both of us and I indeed will be happier on my own. And, on my end I keep thinking the longer he stays and acts loving toward me he won't be able to walk out that door.

I guess we both are just knocking our heads against the wall, so detahing is really the healthy way to go forward. No doubt my roller coaster ride is going to make me sick soon unless I get off.

Take care and thanks for writing,
Chel
M 42
H 41
M 16 ys.
Togeher 20 yrs.
No kids, 1 cat
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers unsigned in H's corner

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michelle
the Mlcer is so confused
I saw acts of kindness my x also wanted to be friends and we were for the past few years
after I found out he ha dbeen living with OW for practically the whole time since he left
I decided to detach more
the D also made us distant
now we work together so we speak a lot
and we get along well
I am into new things with friends and I no longer want
to restore M
so yes
they want our friendship..maybe that relieves guilt maybe that helps them let go knowing we still are here in some form
some will and do return
friendship keeps the door open
you really only know what to do in time
it isnt over when they move out
when they file
when the D is final
we can do some of the deciding too
what course of action will we take
how long we will stand
when we will move on
if we want a friendship or not
if we want to go dark
we make decisions try things see if anything works then try something else
I can tell you I tried it all to the best of my ability
I have only reaslly let go dince the D in March and probably I only let go b/c I met a man and became somewhat involverd in Emotional R
so buckle up
you are doing great
peace


married 14 years
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Hey,

Okay, back from vacation. As soon as plane landed tears welled up in my eyes and by the time I got home I could not stop crying. It was so empty to come home to H's rejection and go back into this roller coaster hell life again.

Of course, H was just fine. I told him that I was not on board with D and would not be going along with his D schedule. Also, I told H I would not drive him anywhere to help start his new life. H indicated I could go away for the weekend H wants to leave and H would have his friends?? come and pickup him up and load the car. I told H I was going nowhere and did not want his friends?? to come into our home.

However, I did drive H to his vasectomy, stay through the procedure and drive him home and make him something to eat. I also am working in his place so he can rest. The nurses at the Hospital just thought my H was so funny and really the whole process was nauseating. They said his vitals were so good he must be a runner. Just what he needed to hear, feeds into his ego... Of course, the night before the vasectomy I also cried and explained to him that not only does my H want to D me but H has also now made an appointment to make sure that I know H does not want to have kids with me. I also told H that once Vasectomy is done H is free to run around and be free with all the potential beautiful ladies in Montreal. H of course, did not understand how any of this could make me feel. In fact, H said I know I am the [censored], blah, blah, blah. H also said see this is why we just need to split because this endless back and forth is just too hard. Those comments no longer bother me, so I kept hitting him over the head with it until he finally just said do you want me to cancel the appointment? I replied hey, don't start taking me into account now... So all went well, H was a hit with nurses/doctors and I just sat there and took it over and over again. He also said I never said I did not want to married to you anymore as the D papers were about 2 feet away from us as were talking/arguing. No doubt more words just to confuse.

Since I have been home for a couple of days H has not mentioned D at all, but no doubt he needs to heal from vasectomy and needs my full attention so no doubt that won't be brought up again for another couple of days. I know it will have to fit his schedule of needs. And, H reminded me last night that when we got home from Hospital that I left him alone for 2 hours without checking on him. He indicated that I used to always pay more attention to him, but of course, no understanding why those doting/loving acts may have waned.

I am back on the wagon and will talk no R anymore, but I am completely exhausted/frazzled. If H talks no D than I will pursue no D and have decided instead to go look at a new place to rent for myself, because H has given no indication whatsoever his plans have changed. I am going to say on Saturday very casually I am going to look at a couple of places to live when he leaves. Have decided I am not staying here either (not really sure) but don't want him to think I am going to stay here with all our stuff while H packs a few things and takes off.

Is this a good strategy?

Also, frazzled because I have our nephew, age 7, coming August 2nd for a week (has been planned for months); and, I don't know what the hell I can expect from H. H is going to need to cover for me at work and I would hope be good to my nephew. On top of that, I am sure my mother will be coming and that adds another layer of disfunction. I am so anxious and just never no what to expect one moment to the next.

I know no R talk is the right thing to do; but, at this point I just want to give him an ultimatum either he enters counseling or he moves out immediately. On the other hand that is not realistic because we work together and our job is tied to our condo, etc. This living in a make believe world has caught up with me and I do intend to Detach but man is this so difficult. I am living so many lies, lying to myself and wondering why would I want someone in my life who makes me feel like this? What if H doesn't leave than what, if he won't agree to counseling, what's left? Will he drive me to D? How do/did you guys overcome this stage of MLC?

Help?

Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
1 cat, no kids
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers on kitchen counter, staring me in the face but unsigned

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"?

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wow There is alot in that post...

Let me get this right....you have been married 16 years, together 20, you are 42, he is 41 and the BIG V -- Had you thinking now you wont have kids with him????? I was just wondering did you think you were going to still have kids had this MLC Bomb never hit? I am more just wondering if he has been the type of guy that said ...you know not now but we can think about it later....and you kept waiting or was it just that you are now just looking at the finality if this means no kids with him???

He does not want kids and has made that decision and did not include you.......maybe its alwasy been that way????

While I dont believe in D and it should be avoided at all costs...when there are no kids.....looking back dont be worried about the divorce..yes its hell...but with no kids...its only u two and at least their are no kids to get devasted and tossed back and forth, or worse abandoned my one.....

I would really work on detaching from him.....

Maybe another DB session would help

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Dear Chel, you may not welcome any POV from a person who was almost a WAW. I won't say a lot except that I have read your entire thread and it seems that you "mother" your H very much and very often. He appears to be a "mamma's boy" to you more than a H who has the b@lls to be the man he should. It's been said he wasn't the worst MLCer but yet, I don't know how you've dealt with him as long as you have. I know you are in much pain and probably think that your life is over, but I think you sound like a very educated lady who can do about anything she decides. I believe that the shock of all of this pain has caused you to lose sight of how classy and talented you are and maybe even how much you have to give as a woman. I hear this in your post, Chel.....I believe you are that lady!

When I said that you mother your H, I do not mean that as an insult. It happens all the time with W's and we don't even realize what we are doing. He not only sounds very selfish, but very spoiled. I am glad you have a good R with his mother and family, but please don't make any more decisions for him or try to "fix" the R with his family. Also, be warned the blood is thicker than water and you will probably be seen as "outside" the family if there is a D. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but when it is "our" pain....it is hard to see our stitch as it often is.

I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Back from Denver, took my H for vasectomy and now that H is feeling better he brought up D papers. H asked what my plans for the future were last night during dinner and I asked what he meant.

H said time was passing quickly and that we both again his favorite slogan "need to stop the denial of us divorcing". I indicated I had not brought up the issue and he had not brought up the issue for awhile so had hoped he was willing to work on our marriage. Nope! I was the one dragging my feet filling out the financial paperwork and again when I brought up myself retaining an attorney he just went off. He said I was going to make things ugly, that I had been dragging my feet on the paperwork to keep him there and I would do anything to make him feel guilty and drag this out. He emphatically stated he wanted to move to Montreal and start meeting new flesh to bite into. H said some harsh things and it took me a long time to recoup last night, the pain resurfaced, I did not think I could get this emotional anymore after these months.

Of course, I fully intend to retain an attorney for myself, I think I have found someone who is compatible. I have got family coming August 2nd through August 11th and again we live and work together. I don't know who this man is anymore and I cannot DB anymore - right now I feel just maintaining my sanity will be about as good as I can get.

I've obviously been and am a doormat - H said last night after I told him I would miss him and had hoped our marriage would have survived that I was pathetic to still care or love him. Again, as you have all said the things they say is so out of the norm and so hurtful it is hard not to be hurt deeply when those comments are made.

He won't move out, I've got nowhere to go with family coming and H is not going to tell any of his family/friends what he is planning until right before he goes because he said last night that everyone will shun him, that no one will understand that he needs to go and explore and discover a new life. That they will all judge him to be mean to me and crazy to pack up and run away. My SIL knows sitch from me (she caught me at a very low moment) and she already feels abandoned. Than late last night H actually said well, you know, it might not work out and than he would come back and beg forgiveness. I know DB says to say goodbye, wish him well, and tell him you will miss him. In DB you want to keep the door open, but man is that healthy in my particular case.

I feel just crazy inside, I told him it was so unfair for him to not tell anyone what is happening and to make me carry the burden alone, he obviously just does not care.

I know I will make it through this, but no longer sure I want my marriage to survive...

Anyone have success at this stage?

Thanks,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No kids, 1 cat
Bomb 5.16.09
D papers in my lap

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