Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 239 1 2 3 4 5 6 238 239
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
K
K4D Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
Yes, that resonates with me. I didn't send anything. I was just having a backsliding day today and yesterday. I'm doing better tonight.

I did not cry when the kids were leaving. My eyes did water up, but I did not cry.

Yes, I was feeling emotional yesterday as they were leaving. If that is weak, then I guess I am weak at times.

Well, my W discovered that the kids were going to mass with me. So she asked why. I went into my reasoning behind it. She chose to disagree with me on the reasoning but didn't say anything else. I'm sure she was seething as it was IMing back and forth. Either way, that is where I am going and when I have the girls, that is where they will be going with me. There is nothing she can do about it. It is one huge strike against me. But I'm not caving on that issue. She doesn't even take them to church, so why she cares which one I take them to, I don't know.

Either way, that set me back majorly with her I am sure. She wanted no part in discussing the logic with me. She said she wasn't interested in a theological discussion. Funny because she told me that her and her 55 year old friend have the greatest theological discussions. Oh well.

Now I am less sure about the anniversary card with the kids pics in it. But that is still 2 weeks away. I may do it anyways and just do it the way 25 told me to.

So if I take a stand for something and set my boundaries she detests me and if I don't, she doesn't respect me.

Can't win.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1805265 07/21/09 05:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 934
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 934
Yo K4D.

Thank goodness you didn't send anything. Boy oh boy I know the temptation is there to throw everything but the kitchen sink at the "problem". Been there, done that. And we all know how very hard it is to resist but resist you must.

I just posted this on my thread -

I've been told by one very good freind, that she DOES know I love her. she DOES know I'm here for her, she DOES know she can come back, she DOES know I'm improving day-by-day. Rubbing her nose in it isn't going to help in any way.

Sometimes I forget this advice - but it's true - even if I sometimes doubt it.

Don't feel bad about having a couple of downers - must be something in the water - I did exactly the same on Sunday. Share those downers here - we all have very wide shoulders.

Crying is not weak! Just got to choose your moments - not in a public bar for example wink
Sorry that sounded flippant - just my humor gland kicking in - forgive me.

Quote:
So if I take a stand for something and set my boundaries she detests me and if I don't, she doesn't respect me.

Can't win.


Oh yes you can!

Have a great day one and all

Mac

mac-ct #1805269 07/21/09 05:41 AM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,917
Quote:
So if I take a stand for something and set my boundaries she detests me and if I don't, she doesn't respect me.


K4D- every read up on my nightmare? Trust me you are right that you can't win with her.

Boundaries will piss her off. You being healthy will piss her off and mess with her version of who you are!!! That is what you want. So, do it. Not out of spite, out of you saying "this is me at my best, take it or leave it"...YKWIM?

You want your kids going to mass, you are saying that is an important part of who you are. That's it. If she can't learn to respect it...what are you gonna do, fake who you are?

You can win, just not with her right now.



Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Are you still going to those AA meetings?

What about the C. What ever happened with that? When's your next appointment?

You are going right back to being the old Kevin again. What ever happened to doing what you want to do for you? You are still looking for the quick answers even after all this time.

Let's face it, even about the girl. You are so transparent. You wanted to know if we thought she was interested in you. Admit it. You wanted validation because that's what you're not getting from your W.

Kevin, the reason why everyone bailed on you online is because you haven't changed at all. You take that last comment you made about your W liking guys with muscles and you can put it right next to the comment your W made about liking guys with money a year ago and it's the same.

Are you still on meds? How many sessions have you actually had with the C? Or is this something again that you only show up once to and then not follow up?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
K4D #1805336 07/21/09 12:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,612
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,612
Well, my W discovered that the kids were going to mass with me. So she asked why. I went into my reasoning behind it. She chose to disagree with me on the reasoning but didn't say anything else.

So she disagreed. Fine. She CHOSE to say nothing else but you kept talking and explaining. Less is more. You could have said "W, my faith is an important part of my life that I would like to include our girls in" and left it at that. You could have also practiced a bit of validation there but instead chose not to.


I'm sure she was seething as it was IMing back and forth. Either way, that is where I am going and when I have the girls, that is where they will be going with me. There is nothing she can do about it. It is one huge strike against me. But I'm not caving on that issue. She doesn't even take them to church, so why she cares which one I take them to, I don't know.

Again - you are mind reading and speculating that she is seething which means you are allowing her to control your thoughts. Sharing your faith with YOUR children is not a strike against you and if she thinks it is... who cares? At this point anything you try and do will be viewed as a strike against you as far as your W is concerned so stop worrying about it. You cant or wont please her right now so stop trying. There is a BIG difference between caving and setting your boundaries. If ya'll are going to co-parent these sorts of discussions will come up and so far you have taken a stance that is not condusive to a productive discussion about how you will raise your girls as far as church is concerned.

Either way, that set me back majorly with her I am sure. She wanted no part in discussing the logic with me. She said she wasn't interested in a theological discussion. Funny because she told me that her and her 55 year old friend have the greatest theological discussions. Oh well.

WAS and logic dont usually go hand and hand. Again, she made it clear that she does not want to discuss things with you and prefers to discuss them with other men. What does that say to you?

So if I take a stand for something and set my boundaries she detests me and if I don't, she doesn't respect me.

Setting boundaries in a loving and firm way is for you. How the WAS reacts to that is not something you can control. Boundaries are not about earning respect from your WAS - they are about taking control of YOUR life.

Can't win.

You are right - you cant win because this is not a game and you keep playing this game and dancing this dance with your W. When you make it about you and you only then you will lose the "cant win" outlook.

And yes, what about the C'ing appts and AA? I hope they werent a one time thing.

Honestly, not much has changed - you are still doing things in hope to impress your W and we all see right through you. Chances are she does too.

CityGirl #1805351 07/21/09 01:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
you gotta "drive" your life, YOUR LIFE ...like you are driving down an incredibly narrow city street with all the typical mega traffic every which way. In order to successfully navigate through this intensely saturated mess you MUST maintain your focus on YOU and YOU'RE "vehicle" (aka ..life) with only periodic occasional glimpses of the other motorists just to maintain proper spacing and safety.

Your W is but one of the other motorists and at THIS POINT she views you as just one of the other dang cars on the road (just as you HAVE to do).

Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to keep your auto ding-free (no paint swapping ..this sure aint no demo. derby), keep her between the painted lines, keep your speed up, be vigilant to your surroundings using all your sensory mechanisms. watch out for pedestrians ...ole' hunched over ladies with canes, umbrellas, walkers ..what not.

Only this is life ...this aint no game. Many of the same rules apply though.

You are doing more well than past Kevin but future Kevin has to do it weller than present Kevin.

Got it!

Good.

Walk swiftly with the Lord with all you got. Your W is NOT your friend ..count on your friends to boost you.


Ted


debut thread
Tomato #1805353 07/21/09 01:26 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
how about answering some of the Q's your being asked too.


debut thread
Tomato #1805360 07/21/09 01:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,058
It appears I will be quite blessed tonight to attend our NE standers mtg in NY (which I fairly infrequently get to go to cuz of my work schedule requiring me to take time to make the long drive ..oh but it is soooo worth it)

We'll be saying prayers that will nearly lift the roof off the Chinese restaurant and prayers for you and your's will surely be a part of that.

Be well bro'

Ted


debut thread
Tomato #1805496 07/21/09 04:05 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
K
K4D Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
To answer your questions... No. I am no longer going to AA or counseling. I have been going to a priest each Monday night. I found that looking at things from a spiritual side is much stronger and better. I am able to talk with him about stuff and he is helping me out in a few different area's. I felt like I needed spiritual guidance. The AA meeting that I went to really had a lot of screwed up people in it and it seemed like half of the conversation was F this and F that, etc. Just didn't feel like that was somewhere I should be after thinking it over.

On top of that, alcohol does not have power over me anymore. It used to. It no longer does. It does not control me. I can avoid it with ease now.

I did meet with my priest again last night and that seems to be helping me. I am reading a lot and listening to sermons, etc. Just because I had a down day or 2 doesn't mean I have turned back into the old Kevin. I'm doing fine today.

CG, I know that W is seething because she detests the catholic church and has made no secret of it to me many times and she also threatened months ago to give me problems with the kids if I took them to mass. So I am not speculating on that one. I know firmly where she stands on that.

I'm not sure what I am doing to try and impress her. My stand for the church I am going to is not to impress her. I know how much she is against it.

Ok, yes, lifting weights would be to try and make myself more attractive to her. I don't see a problem there as DBing tells us to make ourselves more attractive to our S. That is just one of the ways in which I can do that. And I will get some health benefits out of it anyways.

Stuck808, whether or not I was wondering if she was interested in me is beside the point. I have no intention of taking her up on anything should she be interested in me. It is flattering if she is and the thought had crossed my mind wondering if she is. But nothing will come of it because I am not pursuing it.

Tomato, I'm glad you are getting to go to the prayer tonite with the standers. Thank you for making sure I am included in those prayers.

Everyone say what yall will. This is the path I have chosen. I am focusing on my spiritual side and yes, I do still pray for my M to be restored. I'm not going to stop praying for that. I also pray that I make the changes needed for myself and my family. I pray for the standers for their M's to be restored as well as many M's on DBing. I do things with friends. I avoid situations now that could put me in a tempting situation.

I try to put my faith in God as much as possible. It doesn't mean I don't have bad days or wonder if anything will ever change.

But I really try to stick to the core things of the church the more I learn.

I feel like I am finally finding the right path for me through the church and through the standers. I still need a hobby besides poker. I am working on that one. Dancing is becoming one of those hobbies. That is fun.

I fully expect to get 2X4's but that is ok. I am comfortable with my stance.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1805499 07/21/09 04:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
K
K4D Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
Also D11 wanted to talk to the priest. So he has offered to come over and talk to her. I will make a good dinner one night and invite him over. He is a really great priest. He cares very much about people and is a very humble person. He has a lot of insight. There isn't much that a priest hasn't experienced in life with all the people they interact with through their service.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
Page 4 of 239 1 2 3 4 5 6 238 239

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard