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K4D #1805520 07/21/09 04:29 PM
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Kevin,

I don't think there's anyone on here who would argue with you getting spiritual advice/guidance. However, I think some of us are puzzled about not going back to your counselor, and dropping the AA meetings. Every addict I've known, starts to meetings, rehab, etc, and starts to justify that "I just don't belong here,(or "I'm not comfortable") because I'm not like THOSE people". And ofcourse, they are just like those people, and then you know that they're still in denial about the problem.

Alcohol may not be your addiction of the moment, you've swapped it out for the addiction of your wife. You need to find a way to control your own life, and a 12 step program is a good start.

Stacy


Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15
K4D #1805523 07/21/09 04:35 PM
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Religion can always be a touchy subject between spouses - especially two estranged spouses. Perhaps you can ask your priest for advice on how to approach this with your W.

What we all want for you is to obtain, use and implement the tools needed for you to accept this situation, be strong for yourself and your girls, cut the neediness out of your life, stop scheming for ways to impress/attract your wife, detach and realize you can and will be happy w/o your W. If you do that through religion, AA or C'ing, well, whatever works. There are many approaches and none are more right than the other. The spiritual approach is important but if it is not providing you with the tools you need then you should incorporate another form of *something* be it C'ing, group support or whatever it is you think is best.

You still mind read, speculate and try and control the situation and you still have expectations. You backslide way too often for being as far along as you are in your separation and your W still controls most of your thoughts, ideas and motivations. If your church is helping you obtain the tools to curb these issues then great. If not, keep up with the church to bolster your spiritual side but find another outlet to get what you need for these issues.

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Hi Kev,

I feel I need to chip in here.

I _thought_ that I didn't need to see a therapist.
It's not the "sort of thing" that the English do (now recognize there are a hell of a lot of them that should ;-)

When I first went I thought "what the heck is he doing?".
This isn't helping ME.
And you know what - when I continued and stuck to it - the light came shining in.

Don't give up Kev.

Grin (big cheezy one) and bear it.

YOU are worth this.

Chin up!

Mac

mac-ct #1805548 07/21/09 05:04 PM
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I accept that the current circumstances are what they are. I accept that they may be this way for a very long time. I don't accept that there is no hope in the future. I accept that through God all things are possible and it is his will to restore marriages in his time and not mine.

I could be in for a 10 year run or longer. I hope not. But I could be. Thats why getting a life is so important so as to keep from dwelling on the current circumstances and also allow me to live as I should with what each days circumstances are.

Faith in God and a good priest IMO is about as good a route as one can choose for help. That is just my own personal opinion. But I think that people should do what works best for them. In my particular case and I hate to admit this while I have said it before... I actually do better with distance between me and my W. When I am around her, that is when it really hits me. When I have had some time to be apart from her, I do much better.

I know that I am not in control of this situation. God is. The more I try and do anything, the more I interfere. So it is best for me to stay out of it and just work on me and let the rest happen as it should with God.

I'm doing fine. I'm not perfect. I backslide sometimes. It happens. But I recognize it and I try to get out of it. Maybe not always by snapping my fingers and having it done right that second. But I do.

I'm going to dinner with a friend tonite that I met at my divorce support group which I am still going to. He is currently going through a D and is working on himself. However he is preparing to find someone else as soon as this is over for him. He wants to save his M, but doesn't see any hope. So he is just moving on and looking to the next relationship whenever that occurs. I have referred him to this website. I know he at least viewed it. Anyways, dinner tonight should be good.

Anyone having anything good for lunch today? I had a hotdog and walnuts with water.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1805564 07/21/09 05:19 PM
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Kevin,
I admire your religeous conviction. I feel the same way. I have made some recent posts about how I am losing patience. I believe it has a lot to do with what you are saying about being apart from W. We still live together, so being apart is difficult. I do well at work, or at the gym, or when she goes out in the evenings. When we are together, that's when I get weak. During those weak times I try to pray and put my depression in His hands. Sometimes it works well, sometimes not.
I'm still praying for you and everyone else here. Please pray for me and W.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich #1805585 07/21/09 05:37 PM
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When I feel impatient or anxious, I think this:

GOD DOES NOT PROVIDE STATUS REPORTS

What is needed is trust in Him. Fear is a barrier to trust - something they said at Retrouvaille.


WAW Using God
Me-43
W-40
M-14
S-11
S-9
D-7
EABomb 5/09
Separated 12/09
pigskin #1805619 07/21/09 06:09 PM
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Orich, of course I will pray for you and your W. I pray for many M's on this site. You got it man.

Pigskin, that is a good point. Having fear keeps you from not putting your complete and total trust and faith in God. It is a barrier. That is so true.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1805635 07/21/09 06:24 PM
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I'm saying a quick prayer right now that 25 doesn't just totally 10X20 me. I don't have a good feeling about it.

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
K4D #1805641 07/21/09 06:30 PM
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davidswife is right.

Do you realize why so many people have stopped posting to you? It's because you start something that you don't follow through on. Like your schooling.

"On top of that, alcohol does not have power over me anymore. It used to. It no longer does. It does not control me. I can avoid it with ease now."

It's not the alcohol that had the power over you. It was your dependency on it like a crutch. Addicts tend to go from one addiction to another. So once it wasn't alcohol, it was your W, then when she's gone it's now religion. While religion is a good thing, it is not to be used as another crutch. I'm Roman Catholic, so I know what it's like. But one minute you're talking about God, being a stander, etc. and how you're better than your W for taking the kids to church (and that's what you're doing every time you mention it). Then the next you're backsliding. Go to church because you want to. Period. You don't have to keep mentioning your W when doing so.

Do you realize that the C and the AA meetings would have helped you with that? I think we all knew you weren't going to follow through when you started criticizing the C after just the first interview. You keep switching band aids once you feel that one isn't working right.

Again, there's nothing wrong with being a stander. But do it under the right circumstances. Not because it benefits you but because it benefits your W and your family also.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1805650 07/21/09 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: stuck808

It's not the alcohol that had the power over you. It was your dependency on it like a crutch. Addicts tend to go from one addiction to another. So once it wasn't alcohol, it was your W, then when she's gone it's now religion. While religion is a good thing, it is not to be used as another crutch. I'm Roman Catholic, so I know what it's like. But one minute you're talking about God, being a stander, etc. and how you're better than your W for taking the kids to church (and that's what you're doing every time you mention it). Then the next you're backsliding. Go to church because you want to. Period. You don't have to keep mentioning your W when doing so.


Once again Stuck. Nicely put. I totally agree.

Like I mentioned 100x on your thread. Manipulation/Guilt is not going to get your WAW back. You becoming the best Kevin you can be for you is the ONLY chance you got. You're putting an awful lot of pressure on God to deliver. God helps those that help themselves. Just because you like what the priest is telling you doesn't mean that you dont have to do your WORK. Like 25 and CG and MANY other have said their are NO SHORTCUTS.

Once you DETACH you will understand.

PMA


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