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#1804911 - 07/20/09 08:00 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: CityGirl]
davidswife Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 819
Loc: Midwest
Kev,

You asked after CG and me, and here we are.

I totally agree w/her - DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER! Once again, your focus is on your W - what will win her back, what she will notice, etc.

Even your comment about weightlifting was centered around your W - that your D commented that your W likes some guy w/muscles. Lift weights or whatever, because it's for you, good for you, etc. WAW's want what they can't have, and you keep making it crystal clear that she can have you back whenever she wants. That's why it' about YOU, and what's good for YOU and your daughters.

All these months and we're still telling you the same stuff. That's why I needed a break. CG's thread has some very good stuff on it, glad to see you're over there checking it out.

Do the work, Kev. There are no shortcuts.
_________________________
Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15

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#1804912 - 07/20/09 08:02 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: davidswife]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Ya, I don't know why I am focus'd on her today. I guess it is because I had to see her yesterday and send my kids back to her.

I will just stick with the anniversary card and pic of the girls. That seems to be the best route to planting a seed at this point.

I had just looked up yall's posts and had seen that neither of yall had posted to anyone lately, so I was just curious.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

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#1804945 - 07/20/09 08:43 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
I am backsliding bad today. I will try and get refocused tonite. I know better than to try anything at this point. I'm not sure why these ideas are popping into my head.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

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#1804953 - 07/20/09 08:49 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: K4D]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: K4D
I am thinking about having the Joe Beam marriage seminar people call my W since she won't listen to me. Good idea or bad? Will it get me into more trouble or is there a chance she might consider it?

Does it fall back under controlling and manipulative?

Kevin


YES!!!!!!
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1804955 - 07/20/09 08:52 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: K4D]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: K4D
Does this sound needy? I haven't sent it.

W,

I'm sorry about yesterday. It was just hard saying goodbye to the girls and seeing you again yesterday. You looked so beautiful and my feelings always hit me hard everytime I see you.

It just made me wish things weren't this way as I long for my family to be back together. I was feeling a bit emotional yesterday and somewhat this morning.

I hope you have a good week with our kids. Thank you for calling me and letting me know I can call and talk to them.

Kevin


Your best bet is to only send the last line about hoping she has a good week.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1804962 - 07/20/09 09:02 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: K4D]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
Originally Posted By: K4D
I like this letter that TheWifey wrote to her H. In my case it would be divorce papers, not separation papers. None the less, it seemed to actually work for her.



Kevin, it only "worked" if you call it that because I have worked hard to detach and get to the point that I could make that decision. If he walks away and doesn't try, or D's me, then I still stand by my decision.

I always knew if my husband died first I wouldn't remarry. So this is in line with my personal values.

This does not mean I am weak or needy. I am detached. I GAL like crazy. My house is almost completely redecorated. I don't backslide because I don't. It is now a part of me and I am in control of my life.

Kevin, you and your wife are not at the point that you can send this. In fact I think it might only hurt you. I sent this with no expectations. You can't say you could send it with no expectations and mean it.

I'd been feeling like I had no choices in any of this. It was going to happen and there was nothing to change it. I realized he has his choices and I have mine.

HE will make the best choices for him and I for me. This means I chose uncertainty - so I can no longer complain about it. I haven't stopped anything, he could still go forward.

You aren't as far along in the sitch, Kev. Everything she does makes you spin. Do some growing, some detaching, and lots of accepting.
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1805005 - 07/20/09 09:57 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: The Wifey]
davidswife Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 819
Loc: Midwest
Listen to Wifey!
_________________________
Me - 45
D - 19
D - 17
S - 14
S - 13



Final - 1/15

Top
#1805043 - 07/20/09 10:54 PM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: K4D]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10628
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: K4D
I am thinking about having the Joe Beam marriage seminar people call my W since she won't listen to me. Good idea or bad? Will it get me into more trouble or is there a chance she might consider it?

Does it fall back under controlling and manipulative?
Before I read any further, of course it's controlling and manipulative. And pursing and ignoring what she tells you all the time....You had to ask this? You barely want to acknowledge the kids on the anniversary out of "respect for your w's wish to be left alone" but THIS is something you think she'd appreciate?? Come on now, you showed great insight a few posts back, but then you do this AGAIN...so have some staying power with your plan and turn it back over, AGAIN, and leave it there, AGAIN....
Kevin
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#1805090 - 07/21/09 12:01 AM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: The Wifey]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10628
Loc: west coast
Please send nothing to her of the sort....why on earth would you? What happened that calls for an explanation, let alone an apology? Did you cry in front of her? I mean, what is this about? And of course it sounds needy b/c it is. Here's why....and where and when, so you'll know the nature of your wording and what is suggests to us.

Originally Posted By: The Wifey
Originally Posted By: K4D
Does this sound needy? I haven't sent it.

W,

I'm sorry about yesterday. It was just hard saying goodbye to the girls and seeing you again yesterday. You looked so beautiful and my feelings always hit me hard everytime I see you.

Here you go, telling her about your pain and needs...which she can't stand you doing and which has only succeeded in pushing her away. And why on earth are you apologizing? Did you cry in front of her? If so, discussing it only calls attention to what we hope was a momentary loss of control of your emotions, which is another thing she does not like or find attractive.


It just made me wish things weren't this way as I long for my family to be back together. I was feeling a bit emotional yesterday and somewhat this morning.

All about your pain and needs and wishes, and the hourly changes in them, again. Why tell her this? What's the goal? You think she forgot what you want? Trust me, she knows all about this...


I hope you have a good week with our kids. Thank you for calling me and letting me know I can call and talk to them.

An excuse for contacting her, when the real reason is pursuit and expressing your needs again. It's not necessary to say anyhow as you already told her "same to you" about wishing her a good week. As for "Letting you call them" while they are with her --this will be legally mandated so let's not get too grateful for the minimal crumbs..It's nice to say "thanks" and be polite, but don't confuse her saying that to you, with some sort of gesture or "gift" to you. She probably knows she has to allow this OR maybe she is being nice and doesn't know she's required to allow it. But you already said THANKS so there is literally NO point in sending this or even thinking of it, except as yet another excuse for contact/pursuit which SHE TOLD YOU SHE HATES....

The good news is that your interaction was fine unless she saw tears streaming down your face -did she? If so, that must have been weird for the kids. If you did cry, AND if she saw it, then the only thing you would EVER need to say would be that "it won't happen again" so she doesn't get too uncomfortable around you, and that it's b/c you miss being with the girls. Which is partly true and not so pursuing...also takes the pressure off her, which you seem hell bent on putting on all the time...

As far as I could tell from your earlier post I don't know what it is you are apologizing for. Is there something you forgot to say? This is confusing to me on a number of levels.



Kevin


Your best bet is to only send the last line about hoping she has a good week.


Here is what I really to tell you and I heard it in an odd place. Some tv show with Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Sen Edwards former candidate for President. Her backstory is she has been married to him for something like 26 years. She has cancer again, was getting chemo when her h cheated on her and apparently fathered a child with OW....and now he's very sorry and they're working on their M, etc. Lots of pain and etc. I'm not a political fan of the man but I was fascinated by this strong woman who has been through A LOT and found some inner strength that is really admirable.

So here's the deal in her life backstory --Long ago they lost a child in a car accident, which is every parent's nightmare. Later they had more kids, h ran for office, lost, or won, then h lost the Presidentail bid, was about to go home officially thinking of getting out of the primary race, and went home, and then the cancer came back and it's terminal (= death within a few years) AND, OH btw, an OW is pregnant and might by your h's kid...NICE!!

So here's what she said that struck me, and much of it relates to ALL of us, but some of it hit me with "Kevin HAS to hear this"...so here are some semi exact quotes that follow and take what you will from it--

"When you suffer a loss, you wonder how you'll get thru it. You think it just hurts so bad and you want the pain to stop almost at any cost. you think OMG, how can I cope? Even when you know down deep that you will someday laugh again, love again, maybe be happy again, you know you will never be the same again. These major events change you forever, for better or for worse, which is our choice to make, whether we'll be better people after this suffering, or worse....But my biggest regret is how much time I wasted on trying to get my old life back; it's gone. It cannot ever be the same again. So you have to adapt to what IS, and make the best of that, whatever it is, and move forward trying to create a good life in the aftermath of a terrible loss...but trying to get back what is gone, or can never be the same again, is such a waste of time. Definitely my biggest regret of lost time and energy I could have put to creating something good, and beautiful instead of looking back at what once was but cannot be the same again...
Deal with the new reality and accept it. Create what you can from what you still have..." the end


Kevin, does any of this resonate with you? I hope so, b/c it has themes in it we can all learn from. Elizabeth Edwards just wrote a book called "resilient" and If I can buy it without giving money to her h's pocket, I might just buy it. She is working on forgiving and she DID mention OW (NOT BY NAME) and said, "how can anyone date a married man? How can women not have more respect for Other women?"

I agree with you and her, and say the same thing to all people who date marrieds..."WHY? Aren't there enough single people you can destroy without taking some kids down the tubes with you too? Sheesh!"

Good luck Kevin, the best thing is that you seem to recongize faster when you backslide and they seem to not slide so far...but you gotta choose to move faster, farther and keep the progress you make and HOLD ONTO IT.
j-
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#1805096 - 07/21/09 12:10 AM Re: K4D Rising #4 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mnt_dreams Offline
Member

Registered: 03/27/09
Posts: 414
Loc: CO
Quote:
"When you suffer a loss, you wonder how you'll get thru it. You think it just hurts so bad and you want the pain to stop almost at any cost. you think OMG, how can I cope? Even when you know down deep that you will someday laugh again, love again, maybe be happy again, you know you will never be the same again. These major events change you forever, for better or for worse, which is our choice to make, whether we'll be better people after this suffering, or worse....But my biggest regret is how much time I wasted on trying to get my old life back; it's gone. It cannot ever be the same again. So you have to adapt to what IS, and make the best of that, whatever it is, and move forward trying to create a good life in the aftermath of a terrible loss...but trying to get back what is gone, or can never be the same again, is such a waste of time. Definitely my biggest regret of lost time and energy I could have put to creating something good, and beautiful instead of looking back at what once was but cannot be the same again...
Deal with the new reality and accept it. Create what you can from what you still have..." the end


Wow! I think that will strike a chord with all of us!

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