Well GB....ultimately all of this is your call. I agree, a vow is a vow no matter what your spouse might be doing now. I am with you on that. The other thing I have with dating right now.....it's sort of mean.....if you think about it, your wife calls you and says let's work on it....what do you tell this other person....?? I would hate to be that other person who may really like you. I will say, in a few cases, dating someone else has worked. But MWD advises against it for a list of reasons and I tend to feel that way too. Your call though.
Contacting her family....Puppy and I disagree on this one for the most part. I would say that I guess it could work if her family is a big part of her life AND her family would sit her down without judgment or embarrassment and help her feel better about working on the marriage. If they aren't going to help you then LEAVE IT ALONE. Your call though.
As far as the no contact....I left my H alone for the first two almost three months of this hell when he was not around I did NOT call him, esp. at night. In the end, and he even said it recently, that was the worst thing I could have done. It just let him feel free to call OW as much as he wanted without one thought about me or one concern about having to hang up with OW because the mother of his child, and yes, his wife was calling. And this is just my experience with it all....again, your call.
Yeah in the end it is my call. Knowing what the right thing to do is the hardest part. I know that she will be contacting me sometime next week as there are some things at the house that she needs next week. I will see how it goes with her at that time to see if I should stay dark. If there really is OM and something is going on I don't think that it will stop her from doing what she is doing as she can ignore the call anyhow. If there is OM she will have to play that out on her end with out anything that I can do about it at this point.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Yeah in the end it is my call. Knowing what the right thing to do is the hardest part. I know that she will be contacting me sometime next week as there are some things at the house that she needs next week. I will see how it goes with her at that time to see if I should stay dark.
Is there a way to use a 3rd party to help facilitate her access to the house? I'd STRONGLY recommend STAYING DARK with her at this point.
I am not sure if we need a 3rd person she will just be picking up concert tickets that I got her for her B-Day in April, sleeping bag and tent. I probably won't even see her. I am sure she will just call or text that she is stopping over while I am at work. So no real contact.
I have been looking back through the old threads is staying focused on Going Dark. I am not sure why but it seems that most of those that are on there it did not work for them. At least not to save their M.
While I have only been looking through the threads for about a month I am just questioning the success of such a method. Detaching is a good thing but staying completely dark for extended periods of time I am questioning.
Now those fews threads on there may not be a good indicator of how it actually works and there maybe some out here who have had seen more success in that tool. Just curious.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Don't know if this'll help but I used a third person to get something to my W last week.
The result? "Tell Ken that we need to work this out between us. Not involving any one else".
That's after no contact for quite a while. Don't know what triggered it. The results have been great - texting, talking even meeting (will be doing that tonight).
Don't know if this applies to you or not. My 2c worth.
The going dark bit is for someone far more experienced than me. I was totally confused, flapping like a fish out of water and tried it (gunshot method - no idea WHAT I was doing).
I sure got everybody's attention. Friends were calling other friends to find out where the heck I was, what I was doing etc. But I got a huge wake up from one or two of the guys here saying going dark was just more of the same treatment I'd been giving W for years. I immediately dropped it and all of a sardine - "Houston we have contact".
Puppy has been round for a while (no disrespect Puppy) and I'd value his advise greatly.
From what I have seen is being detached and not pursuing with limited contact (Quality over Quantity). Most of the time it is with the kids that have made this contact necessary. Not sure if I am right on this or not. In going through the "Going Dark" threads those that are out there just did not seem to work very often.
I am not saying that it is not the right appraoch as every sitch is different. Just something that I noticed over there. Not talking in over the last week has been good for me as I have been able to step back on everything. Her on the other hand I know that it will take longer than a week to think things through and stop blaming me for everything. Trying to pursue her or push her in anyway will only extend that.
Time will tell it may not be 4 weeks of NC and this doesn't matter anyhow.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
I haven't really looked all the posts to compare "going dark" notes and success or failure. I may do that...interesting research.....
I know for me, I left my H alone for more than two months as much as possible. After 5:00pm I would not call him. And we were only dealing with logistical things when we did talk or text before that time of day. I admit, it might have been easier for me to do this because I saw him often because we have a child.
But it was a mistake in the end...I really just gave him a schedule as to when he knew he could contact OW on the phone without having to worry about interruptions from me. And in that time is when the EA really flourished.
I stopped calling him at work. I used to call twice or so everyday to check in. Rarely was it important. It would be maybe 3 minute long conversations about nada or something funny, etc. Maybe logistical, but whatever. The point is I stopped it to give him his space. Later I learned that also gave him the green light to do whatever at work, without feeling guilty for flirting or talking with her at work. He didn't have to think about me in anyway shape or form because I stopped contact.
Basically, going dark, there are two ways to see it: Absence makes the heart grow fonder OR Out of sight, out of mind.
When H had his EA going at work and on the phone after work, when I was completely leaving him alone, I was out of sight, out of mind.
Recently, in the last 6 weeks to 8 weeks it's been more Absence makes the heart grow fonder.....but I'll be honest here because it really really matters.....that's about the same time the EA really really came to an end.
I think when there's an EA or OP involved, going dark just opens up the door to let them go do whatever with little to no thought of you.
I received a TM from her today asking if she had any mail for her from work. She has never received anything from work at our house so not sure what she was looking for.
I just TM her back which was 6 hours after I received her message and said "Nope". Other than that no contact.
Staying dark is the plan for now. Maybe some of Robx or Gucci's social interaction later on. Social interaction just shy of dating.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
