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#1802198 - 07/16/09 02:00 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
GB,

It sounds like your wife is having an emotional affair (EA), at a minimum. If you don't have kids together, I'd suggest staying COMPLETELY dark on her, and just work on getting a life (GAL). I'm not sure how close you are with your MIL, but out of respect, I think you should send her a letter and tell her the truth about what's going on. I'm 100% sure that your wife lied to her.

I agree, the more you know about OM, the more you'll be able to know what you're dealing with. Prior to her "changes," what were her primary marital complaints, if any?

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1802225 - 07/16/09 02:28 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
GoBison Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/06
Posts: 257
I thought about sending her MIL a letter but I know that she will tell W about it and that will only put more pressure on W. Her mother believes anything that she says to be the gospel.

There was really no M complaints. The only complaint that she really has ever had in 6 years of M is that she says that I am jealous. This has happened a couple of times and is usually when she is acting strange (ie starts hiding her phone or hiding the computer when I am near) This has happened probably 3x since we have been married and yes each time it there was an OM that she was talking too. One of them went almost this far a couple of years ago. She has a hard time not handling situations and when something comes up in her life she tends to find outside sources to relieve her tense. While none of these turned into anything major (at least the previous two) she can not deal with it in a mature way or in keep from going outside the M.

At times I do find it hard to trust her especially when she is doing things like this. She does not see anything wrong with talking to other guys for hours on end. It was my fault that after the first time that this happened that I did not set boundaries in our M when she finally decided to work on the M. That just set us up for more of the same. Right now she truly believes that everything that is wrong is my fault.

Things that I should have done is to set boundaries when I had the chance and not let her have her way all the time. I should have realized how sensitive she was with the stuff she is dealing with her parents.
_________________________
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

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#1802236 - 07/16/09 02:38 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Quote:

I thought about sending her MIL a letter but I know that she will tell W about it and that will only put more pressure on W.


Um, that's kinda the idea. cool To have key people in her life, that you feel would be supportive of the marriage, bring some pressure to bear to try and talk some sense into her.

Quote:
There was really no M complaints. The only complaint that she really has ever had in 6 years of M is that she says that I am jealous. This has happened a couple of times and is usually when she is acting strange (ie starts hiding her phone or hiding the computer when I am near) This has happened probably 3x since we have been married and yes each time it there was an OM that she was talking too. One of them went almost this far a couple of years ago. She has a hard time not handling situations and when something comes up in her life she tends to find outside sources to relieve her tense. While none of these turned into anything major (at least the previous two) she can not deal with it in a mature way or in keep from going outside the M.

At times I do find it hard to trust her especially when she is doing things like this.


Sounds like you don't have any good REASON to trust her, from all of the above?? She doesn't sound trustWORTHY.

Quote:

Things that I should have done is to set boundaries when I had the chance and not let her have her way all the time. I should have realized how sensitive she was with the stuff she is dealing with her parents.


I agree. There will be another chance if you play your cards right, to rectify that. Right now, I'd just focus on going dark and strongly considering exposing her affair. Until they get some help (good counseling), serial adulterers don't just suddenly "come to their senses," barring some religious conversion.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1802332 - 07/16/09 03:58 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
GoBison Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/06
Posts: 257
Thanks for the reply Puppy.

I think that I may hold off on the letter to MIL for now. Trying to let things cool down for a bit. And maybe let MIL cool down a little as well as she only heard of anything wrong in our M in the last couple of weeks. It is something that I will keep in mind though. And will do someday no matter what the outcome if only to help my W in the future.

Isn't talking to family members and friends a no-no as far as DBing goes. I have also seen it on the list that Sandi2 has posted. Just not sure at what point this would be considered DB'ing.

For now stay dark and pray for the Lord's blessing.
_________________________
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

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#1802354 - 07/16/09 04:19 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
robx Offline
Member

Registered: 01/14/09
Posts: 3082
no contact,
never contact her every now & then to keep you in her head.

You've been with her for a few years, there's no chance of you ever being out of her head, trust me on this.

Everything you have to do right now is counter intuitive.

You want to contact her: DON'T!

Contacting her family: probably wasn't the greatest idea.
Remember that no matter what she does and even if she is at fault, they will always support her over you any day of the week, she is their kid and you are just the son in law. I know you said they are good people and you can continue with that knowledge just don't think that they're going to side with you on this at least not yet.

No contact.

After 4 weeks of no contact, you should consider dating other women, another counter-intuitive idea but here's the thing: your wife has her own place, there is a reason for that, she needs her space, individual space so that she can possibly invite the OM over to spend time with and you won't be in that environment.

It sucks to hear this but this is usually the case with the WAW's. Space & separation usually equal time to spread my wings and sow my wild oats.

No contact for 4 weeks, work on improving you, go to the gym, get some personal counselling, work on personal development, regain your individuality, spend time with your friends, get out there and live life and be happy without her.

If you're sitting at home, wallowing in self-pity, being sad, begging, pleading for her to come back it won't work.
_________________________
"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."

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#1802363 - 07/16/09 04:30 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
beepee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 541
Loc: Massachusetts
GOBISON:

sorry that you're hear and sorry that you have to go through this. i know how painful it is, we all do but this is a great place for you to get support and advice and help you heal.

i havent seen or spoke to my H since he walked out on me over a month ago. havent had any contact with him for almost a week now and it is very tough. i understand what you mean about the mornings being a lot rougher. thats exactly how i feel too. going to sleep is ok because youre slipping away from reality for a bit and then when you wake up, its another tough day to get thru and a harsh reality that you have to face. i understand it all too well.

i also have the same experience with the MIL. my H's mom was so good to me, never ever had anything bad to say to me, treated me like i was one of her own and then when H left, she was so mean. told me i ruined his life and he's gotten nowhere in life ever since he's been with me. it was horrible and i didnt expect any of it at all because she was this sweet old woman but what can you do, of course theyre going to take sides and be biased about the whole situation which is unfair but you just have to forget about what they say and think and be the better person in all of this.

im trying to keep up with the NC thing but its really hard. but im sure you can do it!! if i can do it for a week, so can you! and if im gonna make it thru another week, ill have a party!! you'll get thru this tho. we're all here for you. smile
_________________________
Me: 25 years young
H: 37
No Kids
M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th)
Together: 4years
Bomb: June 12th, 2009

**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**

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#1802376 - 07/16/09 04:40 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: beepee]
GoBison Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/06
Posts: 257
Thanks Rob & Beepee for checking in.

I am pretty sure that I can go a month without contacting her. Also no contact with her MIL. I maintain a friendly relationship with her brothers and have never talked about any of this. And will continue to not talk about us.

Robx - as far as dating I won't be going that route. I may go out socializing with women but not dating. From what I have seen you are a big advocate of getting out there for both PMA and for the spouse to see. But as long as I am still married whether or not my wife is at home or has even filed for D I will not be dating. Just my personal choice on this. I have seen where it has worked for others on here.
_________________________
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

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#1802436 - 07/16/09 06:11 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
GB,

There's a difference between "contacting her family," haphazardly, and a planned, comprehensive intervention/exposure. But you're correct -- DB is anti-exposure. I happen to disagree with that, for a variety of reasons. I"d suggest getting the pro's and con's and making your own decisions.

I'd advise to either do it, thoroughly and the right way, or don't do anything at all. Informing the other family isn't something you want to dabble in.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1802452 - 07/16/09 06:36 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: GoBison]
robx Offline
Member

Registered: 01/14/09
Posts: 3082
Originally Posted By: GoBison
Thanks Rob & Beepee for checking in.

I am pretty sure that I can go a month without contacting her. Also no contact with her MIL. I maintain a friendly relationship with her brothers and have never talked about any of this. And will continue to not talk about us.

Robx - as far as dating I won't be going that route. I may go out socializing with women but not dating. From what I have seen you are a big advocate of getting out there for both PMA and for the spouse to see. But as long as I am still married whether or not my wife is at home or has even filed for D I will not be dating. Just my personal choice on this. I have seen where it has worked for others on here.


If you have seen where it works yet choose not to do something that works you are in the end choosing to continue doing something that doesn't work.

One of the DB principles is to stop doing things that don't work.

You want your wife back.
You see that she may be interested in other men or at least one other man.
This creates a fear of loss in you.
That's why you want her back more now than before.

Generating a fear of loss in her is what gets her to question if what she has been doing is the right thing.

If she has left you and is seeing another man, she has already justified and rationalized in her head that other men are better than you are, they have higher value.

If she gets wind of the fact that other women are interested in you, what do you think that does for her perception of your value? It bumps it up. The thought registers in her head what did I let go of that others find attractive & valuable? Did I make a mistake?

Human beings and probably most living things operate on some type of principle of efficiency. They don't do things unless they have to. Expecting your wife to come to her senses one day while she is out having fun with other men and enjoying a single life while you play faithful husband at home isn't going to bring her back.

It sounds like she has lost attraction for you and has found attraction to other men, you have to do things that generate attraction and flip those switches in her to be attracted to you.

One of things that killed attraction was you being jealous or acting jealous: jealousy translates to insecurity and insecurity kills attraction.

We can't force you to do what we tell you to do or give you advice on, you have to learn for yourself.

Everything about this process is counter-intuitive,
it's like when most left behind husbands think "...maybe I should buy her gifts, dinners, flowers, expensive presents and maybe she'll like me again"..... nope that will just translate to I'm weak, ineffectual, unattractive and have poor genes and need to do all that other stuff to get you to be with me because I don't have enough personal value as is to get you back.
_________________________
"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."

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#1802571 - 07/16/09 08:16 PM Re: NC with wife for one week [Re: robx]
GoBison Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/06
Posts: 257
Robx you make a very compelling arguement. Right now I have to work on me and not other women. Maybe after the month of NC I may look at things different and there is a lot of things that will happen between now and then to make that determination.

Thanks for the insight.
_________________________
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

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