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#1794397 - 07/03/09 11:27 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Hi Chel,

IMHO, I would only sign any D papers (or any other, for that matter) if I completely agree with what's written in it. Wise to get your own attorney to go over any legal stuff. If he wants the D, he must deal with the hassle of dealing with your legal counsel, etc. Just what I think.

Do not drive him to the border. He wants to go, then he should find his own way there. Yeah, no, I don't think any of the French women in Canada will be so laid back if they were in the same sitch as you. He's fooling himself if he thinks so. Many are close to family and are guided pretty much by Catholic morals. He may've hooked up with some younger people, but they also grow up.

Anyway, just my feelings on this. I think he is really trying to find the greener grass, and it just isn't there. Home is where that will be .... true home.

Have a lovely July 4! grin
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1794480 - 07/04/09 08:19 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
peacetoday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2588
Michelle
so sorry there are no real answers
our H seem to change overnight
many seem to get pulled into their new life and looking back on my situation, my xh had litle to no control of himself to stop it
now he is a shell of a man
being me is right--they think thwey will find the greener grass
but 2 plus years later I can tell you thery dont as my H looks worse than when he left
he is broke in debt and gave up everything to live with a 28 year OW
who will probably leave him sooner or later and then nothing
so hard as it is we are powerless over them
we have to take care of ourselves grieve heal and move on
some return but the process is still the same for so many it takes years to realize the greener grass is here
peace
_________________________
married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow

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#1794662 - 07/04/09 04:18 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
BeingMe,

I told H I would be talking with an attorney on Monday. H was not happy, he had found an attorney for us and he would be absolutely fair, everything down the middle so no need to get two attorneys involved. I remarked I was too emotional to handle this on my own and we could deduct attorney fees off of our half cash, so to speak. I am most concerned about upcoming taxes and H moving to another country.

Woke up with H laying next to me, but as soon as I stirred he crept back over to his side. We have been cordial today but basically the long weekend and 4th stink. Just feel like I'm biding time in a prison. We had sex a lot and have not for a couple of days since things got so tense. I know he wants sex and I know it is a stress reliever but I am torn. Does that diminish my dignity, I can guarantee it won't mean anything to him but if I don't won't I be risking the label of me being boring? Is it possible to DB without sex? Is DB'ing worth it now or is detaching more useful?

How to carry oneself at this stage is confusing...

Please everyone enjoy the 4th, will be lighting some fireworks of my own!

Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No kids
Bomb 5/16/09
Divorce papers in house

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#1794681 - 07/04/09 05:25 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
Mr GK Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/09
Posts: 33
Loc: NW
Easy to say this, but maybe hard to do....
IMO, you need to be strong, whether you give him physical affection or not. You being in charge is important in the sense that you can give him what he wants or you can withhold it, but you are holding the reigns. I don't know what choice is better, as I have heard it both ways.... be his girlfriend, act like his girlfriend and lover, or withhold it, be nice to him, but no physical!

Either way, you can be strong, and in control.
I have not read your whole story yet, but I will have to.
Sorry for your sitch!!!
Happy 4th!!!!
_________________________
M/30s WAW/30s
4 children
S 1 yr
LS 8 months
OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR
D 1 month

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#1794823 - 07/05/09 02:35 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Mr GK]
peacetoday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2588
MIchelle
Glad you are getting your own attorney
I have heard other posters wanting to share one attorney
but my best friend told me to NOT be cheap when it came to an attorney and I thionk that was good advice in my case

It is so difficult while they are still living at home
when my XH finally moved out after 4 months of withdrawl, hardly tlking and staying out till all hours of night, it was so peaceful with him gone
that part of the nightmare was over,,he was gone
My XH did not want any physical contact post bomb
slept on couch or elsewhere
so I cant help you there
But I might suggest you listen to your gut
pray about it and do what is best for you right now
put yourself before the DB efforts
peace
_________________________
married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow

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#1795088 - 07/05/09 06:27 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: peacetoday]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Thanks Peace,

It was a very tough day with H on Friday, divorce/attorney talk. Yesterday started tense and than we started to relax around each other, I threw together a picnic, bought a couple of fireworks. And, last night we went up to the roof of our building and saw 6 different fireworks shows. It lead to us having sex and I awoke to him staring at me.

Today we watched Wimbledon Tennis together and than went for a walk. H was weepy the whole walk, I DB'd and remained up beat, talking about anything about R. When I got back I saw H had put out the divorce papers on the table. I saw them and went back to the bedroom to lay down for a quick nap before dinner. Lo and behold H came back and lay next to me. He started to touch me and asked if we could have sex again and I asked if he had divorce papers waiting for me after the fact. H said "yes" and again told me I needed to stop being in denial. That we could still care about each other and be intimate; but, his mind would not be changing. H said he did not know how to make this any easier for me and that I was selfish because I did not understand how difficult this is for him.

Wow! Again, H doesn't get it. I had told him I wanted to speak to an attorney of my own and again he puts the papers out there. By the way, his attorney he has not spoken to, the attorney has no idea he will be leaving the country, etc.
Also, I am leaving for Denver on Tuesday morning, she H intends to retain an attorney while I am gone. That will make it easier because I won't be around. H claims the timing is coincidental but how can I believe him?

This is a once a year family get together with its own emotional times and now on top of this I will be wondering what is going on while I am gone.

I don't want D to happen and I know once they are gone it would be difficult to come back, at least for a very long time. So, I am struggling between DB'ing and LRT/going dark.

I want him to feel like he is leaving a wonderful friend/person behind if he goes - on the other hand I feel that way I am condoning it and playing into the delusion. But, if I make waves H will blame me and that will close the door.

I really need advice how others proceeded up and until the day their loved one walked out the door.

By the way, my H is admiring his body all the time, did anyone else experience that?

One more thing to throw in. Being H doesn't believe his mother has genuine concern over his health (physical and mental) do I ask his mother to tell him that she loves him. Would that do absolutely any good?

Thanks,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Married 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No Kids, 1 cat
Bomb drop 5/16/09
D papers in my court

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#1795305 - 07/06/09 12:22 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
Kimmie Lee Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/07
Posts: 1478
Hi Chel. So sorry you find yourself here.

At this point, I would stop worrying about making him mad. You don't have a lot of time to pussyfoot around with the various DB tactics, so put the brakes on.

He is trying to railroad you into signing away your rights, he is insulting you, rejecting you at every turn except sex, and you are playing right into it.

Put your foot down and tell him you are not comfortable with rushing into a D. Repeat this to him like a mantra. And I am not kidding. Each time he starts in on it, hold up your hand and say, "Please stop. I have made up my mind to get my own legal counsel."

What is with the big rush anyway? Doesn't that make you wonder? Slow down! Once he is out of the country, you will be S.O.L. and very sorry that you didn't stand up for yourself.

A 20 year marriage is not something you dissolve by signing some ridiculous paper drawn up by a self-serving jerk with his concern about "wasting money."

Get an atty fast and skip Denver. Who knows what he will pull while you are gone? Protect yourself. You have been shown what he is capable of, and this is just the tip of the iceberg.


Edited by Kimmie Lee (07/06/09 12:26 AM)

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#1795367 - 07/06/09 02:34 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Kimmie Lee]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
When I started my LRT, I stopped sex and I told H there was no way we could be 'friends' after the D ---- friends don't cause such pain. It is almost ridiculous to expect friendship after leaving you and just shunting off to another country, betraying you and leaving you with the mess to deal with. I also think you should postpone your trip until H has actually left and everything has been sorted out --- he is not himself.

Be careful.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1795370 - 07/06/09 02:56 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
Dawn of Hope Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/08
Posts: 724
Loc: Midwest--USA
Originally Posted By: Chel
He started to touch me and asked if we could have sex again and I asked if he had divorce papers waiting for me after the fact. H said "yes" and again told me I needed to stop being in denial. That we could still care about each other and be intimate; but, his mind would not be changing.

Are you blinkin' kidding me?? He wants you to have sex with him and then sign divorce papers for him before you've even taken a shower? The person in denial here is NOT you!! What does he think D is all about, huh, sunshine and roses and sweet romance with the person he is D'ing? Can we all say "delusional"?? ...yes, I thought we could.

My H never expressed any interest in having sex with me post-bomb, so it wasn't an issue for me, but if I were in your sitch, I would be tempted to tell him that I am a package deal. The sex and the M go together, and if he doesn't want the latter, the former is not an option. You also have to be wary about STD's. This is a complicated issue, and there are plenty of comments on this topic on the forums.

Originally Posted By: Chel
H said he did not know how to make this any easier for me and that I was selfish because I did not understand how difficult this is for him.

See if you can get that man into one of those dunking booths and take away the cage. Maybe a few good smacks with the ball and getting dumped into cold water will help him to correct his definition of the word "selfish," which actually applies to him rather than to you because he is the one who throws his little hissy fits if you don't give him exactly what he wants. He sounds like a 5-year-old. I am seriously running out of patience with these insane MLCers; they truly seem fit for straitjackets sometimes.

Originally Posted By: Chel
I really need advice how others proceeded up and until the day their loved one walked out the door.

For me, during the 13 months between the bomb and when my H chose to move out, the key was being as kind and cheerful when he was around as I could manage. If I couldn't at least be pleasant to him, I got out of there until I got my emotions under control. I am not the one to talk to about boundaries, because I never really set any (he wasn't being rude or vindictive, or asking me for stuff I didn't want to give him, so I just lived with the other stuff, like his ongoing torrid R with OW). It was NOT at all fun or easy, but I was trying very hard to live in a way that would allow me to KNOW that I had done absolutely everything I could to facilitate reconciliation, and that I had lived with integrity despite his actions...and I do know this, and it means a great deal to me. I am able to look myself in the mirror every day and know that even though I have many flaws, I truly did the right thing in response to his antics, and I have nothing to be ashamed of or question myself about.

My thinking was that I couldn't do anything about my past actions, but I was NOT going to give him anything post-bomb that he could point at and say, "I left because she kept doing _________." All his reasons would have to be from things that happened pre-bomb (or that he _thought_ happened), and were no longer applicable, so he wouldn't have a good CURRENT rationale for walking. My goal was to be the sort of W he would have to be crazy to leave.

He did leave, eventually (I think it had something to do with the fact that I actually crossed his wishes once in those 13 months, two weeks before he left [he wanted me to stay away from the community theatre where he was performing {playing a H whose W cheats on him, no less! crazy } so that OW could attend his performance without having to worry about being in the same room with me, and I politely refused to comply]. I am still waiting for my reconciliation miracle, but I do feel that the way I have treated him since the bomb has helped reduce the amount of friction and nastiness, and that this was the right thing for _me_ to do. I can't speak to what is right for you, though.

Please note: I also think that you need to protect yourself...just think defense, not offense (I am sure some here will encourage a more agressive agenda, and I am not going to argue about that; I don't feel qualified). If he is filing papers against you, you need to get your own lawyer and figure out what your best options are, given that you don't want to burn bridges but you _must_ deal with him in the legal arena. Also, I have no personal knowledge about this, but it is my understanding that given that you don't want a D, it is reasonable for you to request in your paperwork that all of your legal fees be paid by him. Your L will be able to advise you better on that.

Originally Posted By: Chel
H doesn't believe his mother has genuine concern over his health (physical and mental) do I ask his mother to tell him that she loves him. Would that do absolutely any good?

NO, NO, NO! Do not get in the middle of your H's R with his mother. Absolutely stay out of it. If you have a decent R with her, great, but don't try to mediate between them or tell either of them how to behave with the other--it will come back and bite you on the butt. And there's no call to lie, but don't bad-mouth either of them to each other or other family members--if you sling any mud around, some of it is guaranteed to land on you.

Take care of yourself. Read (and practice) everything you can about detaching.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn
_________________________
Me 45/H 47, no kids
Together since 1985; M/1992
Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001
Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues
H left 11/24/08
minimal contact, no legal action
http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1

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#1795706 - 07/06/09 03:01 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Dawn of Hope]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Yes, yes, yes --- what Dawn said so awesomely! laugh

Your H is so selfish --- having sex, knowing he is leaving you. Obviously, most women would keep hoping for reconciliation given the intimacy of making love.

Do not sign those papers. It would definitely get him out the door faster if you do, but also, it's not what you want. If he wants a D then he has to go through the whole nasty process and pay for it, IMHO. He should learn that nothing in life is that easy, especially throwing away a 22 yr marriage. You know, just sign a piece of paper then 'cheerio'. It should be, "if you want to get rid of me, baby cheeks, then you're going to have to pay the piper --- I'm not going to just disappear with a quick signature." Well, that's what I would've said to my H if I had been presented with the same scenario. Ha! You are a lot kinder than I am.

Also, I agree with Dawn about getting involved with H's R with his mom. It's theirs to mend or not. You've got enough to contend with your own R with him. It looks to me like he is using every little thing to justify his leaving, even his mother, so it would be pointless to get involved.

Again, I agree with Dawn about detaching. Make that your mantra. Your H is not himself --- he has been taken over by some 'alien' or another, so detach yourself because you're not communicating with your H anymore. Hopefully, he will dig himself out of this one day, but in the meantime, he will say hurtful things that you must learn not to respond to.

Detach and set boundaries and don't do anything you do not want to do.

I got my H back, but you know, he's still not completely 'back' after 4 years. So, it really is a long process. I have my best friend back, but there is still so much missing. I am not saying this will happen to you in the event that your H does reconcile, but whatever the outcome ---- it is going to be a long, hard road. Prepare for it, like you would a cross country road trip. Take things that you will need or anticipate possible needs:
water if you get thirsty = GAL because you will thirst for something to keep you going and this is the best thing
gas in the tank = positive attitude
sandwiches for the trip = possibly see a counsellor to get you through some bumps - sometimes we need extra support
make sure the car is roadworthy - you gotta protect yourself
If you lose your co-driver on the trip, you still have to keep driving. You are a unique person in your own right, and you will be okay and even happy, with or without your H. Learn that you don't need him, you just want him. None of us should need people emotionally --- that gives away our power to control our own destinies (and you cannot control him, which is also why you should leave it up to him to work for the D, if he wants it that badly). But, if you love them and have done so for 22 yrs, then you certainly would want them. One can only hope to influence or inspire our loved ones, but not control them, and that works in the reverse for you too. Your H is trying to control you, and he has no right to do that.

Anyway, I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say, I hope. So, in a nutshell:

GAL
Detach lovingly
practice self control
Be independent
Positive attitude
Let him do the work of D
Protect yourself
Know that if there is no reconciliation, you will be okay
Be prepared for long, difficult process

These are just ideas I'm throwing out there, that I hope may inspire you. You know your sitch best though, so follow your gut feelings. There is no one solution for every sitch. Sometimes, nothing we do will rectify the M, then you just have to let go and walk another path, knowing you've done all you can (as Dawn says, "I had done absolutely everything I could to facilitate reconciliation, and that I had lived with integrity despite his actions."

Okay, this is long enough, I guess. I have a lot of time on my hands right now. laugh
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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