Felt really bad when I got home. Quick note to WomanFriend. Then I literally forced myself out the door on a run/walk with the woofy. Got the eye from a pretty along the way.
WomanFriend joked, "...it's been way too long. You need to pick up a hot chick at a bar - don't even ask her name." (She might be right about that).
Went for short motorcycle ride later on in evening.
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Some of this moodiness is response to what's happening in life. Although I don't understand why it's happening now in particular. I kinda slacked off on the mood tracking but I'll pick it up where I left off.
I have to be careful visiting this board. While I need the support, I need to be careful not to rehash and ruminate.
I'm tired of the depression coming back again and again. I'm not sure why the BP II dx never stuck but every time this happens, there's a greater chance that's indeed what it is.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Under the circumstances, I can't think of anything better for you to teach/model for your kids than, "You can't control anyone else. But you CAN, ultimately, choose to thrive."
Wow! Good stuff!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I have to be careful visiting this board. While I need the support, I need to be careful not to rehash and ruminate.
I hope you'll continue to be here O-dog. The support will do you good, and you'll be able to help others...which will also do you good. You DB'd like a mutha!
BTW - Coach had the mentality that 'it' wasn't over until the judge signed off on the divorce, and until then...he had a chance, but he remained very aware of the alternative!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I know 'it' isn't over till the judge signs off (hearing date requested but not scheduled yet - expect late Sept or early Oct) however, I've been doing nothing actively to bust it I don't expect anything to change. I don't talk to her about anything but kid arrangements. I live my life, she lives hers. At this point I'm not sure if I even would want to bust it. I did my work then dropped the rope. I've got to concentrate on me for a while.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Seriously, I don't know why I'm at work right now.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hey OD... I feel like I'm much the same path as you lately...loads of sadness just hit me in bursts sometimes - and I spend a lot of time trying to find a way through it all.
This past Saturday - while I had S2 home with me, I was playing with him, holding him above me like a little plane...and he was loving it - laughing, giggling, so happy - and right then, while on the floor holding him up, I just started to weep...it was terrible...And I think it had a lot to do with some of the same feelings that trouble you - some of that same impulse to understand something that can't be understood - some of that same bitterness over having (for me, another) broken family.
I think you were on the right track, though, when you mentioned that you were just supposed to appreciate the beauty of the Zen words -not dig into the message...sometimes that's the hardest part of living in the present - just being there enough to appreciate the beauty - when I was holding my son, and he was laughing - I was happy in the present - it was when my mind slipped to not having S12 here, to having to split time with S2, that's when the flood of sadness came - and I think a lot of it had to do with a feeling of being helpless - and maybe a bit of fear...whatever the case, all of it pulled me out of that moment, when what I should have been hearing was the giggle of my baby boy, not the sorrows I anticipate.
Carlos, I had a similar experience last week. I was with my 2 boys at an aquarium. I had the week off with them, W didn't have off. I was watching them run around and call out to me "Daddy, daddy, look at this fish.. no no wait look at that one! Isn't it cool daddy?" And I kept thinking that this might be my future, only seeing my kids part time and then without their mother with us. I came close to crying about it, but I was in a public place. I held it in and just tried to enjoy the time we were having, and did. Sometimes I want to call my W and beg her not to split us up if not for us then for the boys. I can't imagine not tucking them in every night.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
BTW - Coach had the mentality that 'it' wasn't over until the judge signed off on the divorce, and until then...he had a chance, but he remained very aware of the alternative!
Guys, it often isn't over even after it is signed.
