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#1791019 - 06/28/09 10:56 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
If you feel you're making significant progress lately, then keep up the same. You could also set a mental deadline for yourself, say a couple months from now, like August or September, and reevaluate at that time. If you're kind of in the same place or not much progress, then at that time you could decide to change your tactics then. I wouldn't tell him about this deadline or anything, just kind of would be for you. You could spend the time working hard on GALing, creating a great life for you and your family with or without him. Something you should do no matter what happens to your M.
Karen


Edited by karen43 (06/28/09 10:56 PM)
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1791039 - 06/28/09 11:32 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: karen43]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Karen, I like the idea of the mental deadline. Think I'll mark a date on my calendar. I have recently started writing the daily interactions down, too so I can measure progress.

I live a fairly full and busy life and I am fairly social so that has helped as well.

As for ow I have continued along pretending she doesn't exist.

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#1791051 - 06/28/09 11:59 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Originally Posted By: chrissy_64
Hmmm. So Puppy are you suggesting that I should tell him that I cannot continue in this manner with the hope that he eventually realises that he really belongs here with us? I guess my only fear is that it has taken all this time to develop a 'friendship' and my moving aside could close down all possibilities if he feels I am pressuring him. Does that make sense?

Chrissy


Yes, but it's not about HIM -- it's about YOU.

When you make it about them, it's pressure, and it's CONTROLLING. Ex.: "I forbid you to see OM."

When you make it about YOU, it's a BOUNDARY, and it's healthy. Ex.: "I cannot live in an open marriage."

See the difference?

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1791060 - 06/29/09 12:13 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Ok. Thanks Puppy, that's clear!

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#1791422 - 06/29/09 05:39 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: karen43]
yellowrose Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 6042
Loc: texas
To me it sounds alot like my sitch although I don't know all the details just skimming through your thread.

When I was seeing some progress in my h, I stepped back and watched. I didn't say anything to him and I let him come to me. I had a life and kept busy,like you.

I wouldn't change anything right now IMHO.

You sound like you are doing well with the whole sitch. I know how hard it is to just sit back, keep your mouth shut and your opinions to yourself. I had a really hard time with that. I hated being the nice person while I was getting walked all over by my h. He had the ow and seemed like he was really happy. I was trying to fine me again! That is what is so important. We tend to loose ourselves in our M.

I hope this makes sense....

Y

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#1791569 - 06/29/09 11:06 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: yellowrose]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Y, thank you so much for your feedback. I have spent quite some time reading through your threads and yours is the sitch I found that was most similar to mine so I really appreciated your insights.

OW has been around for 3 years and we've been separated for 2 years. They don't live together and haven't done which is a shame because I'm sure it would have died earlier if they had.

In the early stages I worked purely out of emotion; begging and persuing. It got me no where!!! Reading DR and LL changed my perspective completely. I could see why I wouldn't want to be married to me!! I stopped "beating him up" and instead gave him words of affirmation and recognised and thanked him for his Acts of Service towards me. I was so often hurt by his cold and distant manner but I treated him as if he was H of years ago-my best friend.

I told him that I was letting him go and then made no further contact unless I really had to for business or children. Whenever he came here I was pleasant and upbeat. Slowly but surely he started popping in when he dropped the kids off, chatting occasionally and the temper tantrums began to occur less frequently and subside quicker. I also learnt to stop rewarding bad behaviour. I also discovered that being so agreeable meant there wasn't much left to fight over!!

The last two months have shown the greatest changes....he now asks how I am, there's eye contact,if I text he'll reply with more than 'ok' or he'll phone me back, there's humour, conversation initiated by him, a strengthening relationship with our children and those Acts of Service. It's still incredibly slow and I am so impatient............ Yes, I too find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not to try to hurry it along or to throw an ultimatum at him.

Most of my friends and family have told me to stop being nice to him and forget him but I figure this is my life and my choice and if I'm happy then good for me. (Just occasionally I think they're right!)


Thanks for your thoughts Y. They have helped affirmed me at a time when I was starting to doubt myself. I have waited so long now and I don't want to sabotage my efforts due to my impatience.



C

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#1791662 - 06/30/09 03:07 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
yellowrose Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 6042
Loc: texas
Cas

You are doing a good job and have come a long way. It sounds like your H is making baby steps, so like I said just sit back and watch it happen. There will be little things that you will notice.

I had so many family members and friends tell me to give up on my H. Yes, there were alot of times I wanted to throw in the towel but I just couldn't. My gut was telling me to hang in there.

You are in my prayers. Hang in there!

Y

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#1791808 - 06/30/09 01:41 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: yellowrose]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
YR, my gut is also telling me to hang in there so I have marked a date (30 Sept) on my calendar when I will reassess the progress and make a further decision on that date. If I focus in 90 day blocks it may help me to be more patient and also help me to measure progress. In the meantime a lot is happening in our lives. I think by 30 Sept there should be some more definite direction one way or the other.

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#1791989 - 06/30/09 06:09 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
yellowrose Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 6042
Loc: texas
Only you know what is best for you! Always go with your gut! lol

Y

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#1793703 - 07/03/09 01:17 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: yellowrose]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
I said a lot was happening but apparently not at the moment! All is pretty quiet. H has agreed to accompany me to S's formal which is a positive.

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