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#1791333 - 06/29/09 03:33 PM My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated!
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Hello.

My DBing and coaching sessions had, I thought, been working well. My H was responding to my being light, breezy, coming up with little things we could do together and me not talking 'R'. My H seemed more relaxed and since he dropped the bomb on May 16th that he wanted out things seemed to be improving. On Saturday a.m. ran a couple of errands and when I got back H said we needed to talk. He has never said this and at first I was hopeful but the look on his face quickly told me I was not going to like the conversation. H indicated we needed to stop being in denial and realize that H had every intention of leaving and had spoke with an attorney and would like us to fill out the paperwork and being our situation is not financially complicated no children, no house to deal with we could be officially divorced within 3 to 4 weeks. This would put it around our wedding anniversary August 6th. He also indicated he has signed up to rent a place in August and would like to move out at the end of July. We live in Minnesota he is moving to Montreal, Canada. We both live and work together and I've got family coming to stay here the first week of August and I am going to Denver to see family the second week in July.

I completely imploded with this news. I thought things were getting better; however, I knew that H not agreeing to any type of counseling or working on our marriage that things would not improve simply on our own. I was distraught but put myself back together that evening for a family birthday on his side of the family. The next day after the party H's sister called him and told him that both she, her husband and their mother were very concerned about his health. He has lost a lot of weight and seems very down. He did not like this assessment.

Question, do I tell his sister what is happening? I really do not think this is my business; however, I too am concerned not only as his wife but friend that he is in a self destruct mode. Telling him this however would go over like a lead balloon. H honestly said that he could send a couple of UPS boxes from here to Canada and that would be all he would need. H wants to leave everything else with me and he said he simply doesn't care what happens to it. In effect, H wants to leave and leave me with everything, including staying at the job we work together and have to tell everyone what is going on - very confused and sorry to be so choppy.

I think my H is in MLC after reading the stages and his own behavior. It seems he is regressing. He indicates there is no OW and I have absolutely no reason to believe there is. H did tell me he loves me very much but has not passion or interest, that being married is too restrictive and that I am boring and just too good of a person. I am just to good for him and he feels I need someone who can better appreciate who I am and take better care of me. He also says he is so tormented he wishes he had the ability to end his life. When I inquire as to how he is so down, but yet wants to just pack up and leave and trade in everything for a completely new life, he states Hope Springs Eternal.

This morning he is going for a vasectomy consult, had not knows it was scheduled and he plans to squeeze in that procedure during everything else happening this month. I understand he is fragile and depressed but how much can one person take and still try to be light, breezy and DB at the same time.

Any advice is welcome on how to proceed, what boundaries should not crossed and how to keep not only my sanity but dignity at this stage.

Thanks for listening,

Michele
M 42
H 41
Married 1993
Together 22 years
Bomb dropped 5/16
Going on 1 yr. with him telling me he wants out

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#1791428 - 06/29/09 05:46 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
graceallday Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 286
ok hun.....This is MLC probably for sure.....but put that aside for a moment.....becuase whatever you call it .....it is a long road..and hard....and I hate to break it to you....If I could place a bet on the fact about another person...I would say 99.9% chance there is one.......oh my gosh he has all the standard lines.......and he is going for a vasectomy consult.......BIG RED FLAG HELLLLOOOOOO but even if you take that out......everything he is saying SCREAMS ANOTHER PERSON.....it sounds like you are doing all the right things with DB....sometimes no matter what you do ....in MLC it wont matter becuase they have to walk the path...that takes them to the train wreck........you just have to decide what you want for you.....are you going to go through seeing if reconcilation will be possible...more than likely that will not occur until the other relationhip ends......2- 4 years....

I would probably confide in his family.....I would probably verify there is another person...if he is that good at hiding it that you really cant tell....than hire a pi...but if you look....chances are you can find something....cell phone history....assuming you have all his cell phones....usually they talk on the cell even if they try not too......


there is a site i think its marriagebuilders dot com and they go over the choices of blowing the affair wide open or not.....you read and decide......it sounds like he is really guilty about that and wants no one to know.....so if you can find out speak the truth in love....I would consider blowing it wide open once you get the facts.....

so sorry you are going through this...keep posting.....

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#1791659 - 06/30/09 02:56 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: graceallday]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Thanks Grace,

Your honesty is refreshing and you are right. By chance I was so ready to dial and speak with my sister-in-law as she is concerned also about his demeanor, weight loss, etc. I know she would eventually ask if I knew what was with him. She called me this afternoon and it just kind of poured out of me.

Of course, what I told her she was not expecting and I explained I had been keeping all this to myself because I felt it was not my business and had hoped the DB'ing would work and we could put this behind us.

As you so aptly stated, this is going to continue for sometime and I simply need to decide to stay in or go dark. Either way there are no guarantees. He is obviously hiding the OW so well, because everything points to this and will do some research within my grasp at the moment.

I am quite exhausted from taking this on alone and I really hate to say this I have no one in particular I can turn to right now so that isolates me even more and gives H space to spin his web...

Thanks so much for replying and I hope to keep you informed and will value your advice.

It does hurt unbearably some days but some days like today where I unloaded my burden and was met with kindness, honesty and advice I can sigh with relief and know how many good people are in this world.

Take care,
Michele

Me 42
H 41
M 1993
Bomb dropped 5/16/09, still here

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#1791734 - 06/30/09 06:40 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
sunshinelewis Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 1126
Michele I am sitting here with my mouth "WIDE OPEN".
I have read MANY sitch's on this board for the past 8 months or so but YOURS is almost IDENTICAL to mine, right down to the age of us and the years we were married. I can not believe it.
My xh, yes we divorced, said almost the EXACT same things. In my threads I know I forgot some things and reading your thread brings them back to mind.

"we needed to stop being in denial "
XH said the same thing. He also said he was tired of leading me on.

"H wants to leave everything else with me and he said he simply doesn't care what happens to it"
XH said this also. He basically only took his clothes, said he could care less what I did with his stuff he left.

"He also says he is so tormented he wishes he had the ability to end his life."
My xh told me he had thought about suicide. He cried while telling me this.


"a vasectomy consult"
Yep mine did this too. Scheduled the appt. but I dont think he ever went. Was determined to get one. He had been talking about this for about a year. (probably when he started going out on me)

I dont know if your h did this, but mine started working out like crazy and and laying in the tanning bed. Wanted to get tanned to show off his muscles.
He has also said, "We can always get remarried". He said this early on in the sitch.

Michele, it has been over 8 months for me, more like 9 I guess.
We have been divorced for 6 months, almost 7.
My xh did have ow. He is now living with a DIFFERENT gf, and planning to get married in Aug.
He is VERY angry and refuses to talk with me. He speaks to our son every day, but doesnt ask about me.
I am having a hard time dealing with his anger. That, I have to say, is/was very hard for me.
He left me but HE is the one that is the angriest.
We did speak some until the gf moved in.

I know its heartbreaking. It seems like a bad dream.
This is a loooonng road and you have to take one day at a time.
If you want to wait this out, that is great, but dont sit around, like I did at first, and watch the clock. It will drive you crazy.
They are NOT the same people.

I will check back in later. I am here and I TOTALLY know what you are going thru, as does everyone else here. Please feel free to ask me anything. I asked a billion of questions and still do.
You will sometimes get mixed opinions, but basically everyone says the same thing, just in a different way.

Take Care,
Renee
_________________________
_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10

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#1791949 - 06/30/09 05:16 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: sunshinelewis]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
A man will seldom leave unless there is an OW waiting in the wings. It's guilt that's making your H leave everything for you, his comments about suicide, not letting his family know, etc. Just guilt.

Find a friend who can be your confidante --- someone you trust. That's what I did anyway. Just to get some release from the stress of it all. Don't go to family.

When does he intend to leave? It could be time to use the LRT. There are a lot of hints to what's bothering him in what he is saying. For instance, he says you are boring. Perhaps, he just feels he is bored with his life and it includes you and everything/everyone in it. Is there something you can do that will shake things up? Maybe being light and breezy justified his feeling of being bored. So, that didn't work --- what else can you try? How about dressing sexy and going out with some friends to a club? You need the break anyway, need to GAL, so why not try this. Make sure he sees what he will be missing. That's just an example, and I am sure you can come up with better ideas. smile Remember the time you first met --- what attracted him to you then?

Once he leaves for Montreal, there won't be much you can do (unless he realises on his own that it's not what he wants), so now is your time to show him that you are the greener grass.

Take care.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1791955 - 06/30/09 05:25 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Quote:
The next day after the party H's sister called him and told him that both she, her husband and their mother were very concerned about his health. He has lost a lot of weight and seems very down. He did not like this assessment.

Considering this ---- perhaps it would be a good idea to let them know the basics. You don't have to pour your soul out to them, but you can tell them that he has asked for a D, and is considering leaving, and how distraught you have been and unable to change his mind. Ask them to pray for you and your M. No more than that, I would think. This is your business too ---- this is your M and these people are his family and your family too, who love him and deserve to, at least, know that he's leaving the country and know why he is losing weight and looking so bad.

Anyway, that's just my opinion. Think about it, and go with your gut feeling on this.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1792009 - 06/30/09 06:35 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: sunshinelewis]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Renee,

I got goosebumps reading your note. Thoughts, questions, comments flood my mind. Don't have time to post but will be back shortly. Any more details to share are encouraged. I live in Minnesota, how about you, because I just want to give you a real hug!

Take care,
Michele

Me 42
H 41
Married 1993
No Kids
Bomb dropped 5/16/09

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#1792132 - 06/30/09 10:24 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
peacetoday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2588
C
welcome..sorry you find yourself here though

Your H said/did the basics that a lot of other mlcers/was do

1. they deny OW
mine denied OW for 2 years until I found a lease agreement
2. They move out taking very little
mine left in a few large plastic bags with clothes
leaving a 4 bedroom home and everything in it
3. they say we are in denial
they dont understand why we are being so nice?
4. they spend a lot of money..they will create huge debt
so be aware and protect your credit, property, investments, bank accounts
5. they lie about everything under the sun
do not expect any truth from him at this point6
6. they refuse MC or they go for a few sessions then stop saying they M is over and they tried but it cant be repaired
7. they say things you will find someone better
I never really loved you or
you really dont love me anyway and will be better off
they rewrite history to suit their new purposes

I would also find a support group or therapy to help get thru this
this isnt your fault
this is a crises
you cant change it And CHANCES ARE HE WILL HAVE TO RIDE IT OUT
db helps you and helps keep the door open while your H tries to figure it out

they say NO R talks--it wont help
no begging whining crying in front of the MLCer
It takes time but you will see then deteriorate
they run in replay for a while 1-2 years then
you see it the crash
they lose it all
and they never find the happiness they seek
they are miserable
mine is a lost soul st this point
peace
_________________________
married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow

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#1792225 - 07/01/09 01:52 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: peacetoday]
graceallday Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 286
peace- good recap....and I second that...lost soul ...my x has never looked worse......does not look happy at all

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#1792308 - 07/01/09 04:14 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: graceallday]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
So true, Peace!
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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