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saffie #1901009 12/24/09 02:31 AM
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Quote:
Litigate all you want - doesn't stop hurt and emotional damage. You may have the legal rights on your side - but at what cost do you excercise them?


Agreed. But it is not my intent for this to lead to litigation. The fact is that neither of us is any longer in any financial position to be able to jump back into court. My aim is to hopefully deter xW from these actions -- which I know is quite unlikely given her past behavior -- but more-so to begin to establish a body of documentation should for some reason she force us back into court anyway. What I may choose to do is one thing, but she has already been proven capable of letting the lawsuits to fly on the most spurious of reasonings.

And I know she tries to plant ideas in my head to try to goad me into doing what she wants, even to paint me as the bad guy. I have seen that. But then there are some actions to which I cannot afford not to act upon. Sometimes not acting has greater consequences.

Remember, Saffie, the discussion we had a long time ago about xW's talk about wanting to commit suicide when she was facing being M'ed to me? Do you recall how you belittled her talk as hollow threats to coerce me to do things her way? I had a friend suggest the possibility, knowing about my severe depression at the time of the bomb, that xW was trying to plant the notion of suicide in my own head. Hoping I might take the hint.

Cynical as H*ll, I know -- still, at this point, I can no longer rule that one out. But I'd rather not think about that too much.

Quote:
Don't make it worse - don't make your W want to poison those boys against you any more than she may already have done.


No, you're right. But I don't have to do anything myself. She is going to do that anyway no matter what I say or do. And if she doesn't her mother will do it for her.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
karen43 #1901013 12/24/09 02:36 AM
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Thanks, Karen.

If I don't talk to you again before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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Sounds like your XW is a narcisstic sociopathic jerk. I think FaithIsBelieving must have married your XW's sister as his STBXW has similar behavior. They have no problem telling lies to get what they want at all costs.

There are some books that might be of help in dealing with her over the coming years:

Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex

If there is one saving grace, I have witnessed a friend and my brother, both with son's who eventually would not put up with their crazy mother's when they got into their teens. Both of them got full custody later on because of their XW's inability to control their anger towards their son's.

smith18 #1901082 12/24/09 06:22 AM
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Thanks, Kerry,

I can appreciate some constructive advice. The book recommendations are good -- I've seen both of these in the bookstore and perused them. I have found the first one in my local library system and placed a request for it.

To all, I know I have to be conscious that I too don't become that toxic parent I see in my ex. I want -- no, need -- to detach from her drama especially around my two S's, for all our sakes. But I am still obligated to stand ready and to be prepared to defend my position when and where necessary. It's just going to be a struggle and a balancing act.

Right now I just want to get through the holidays.

BTW, I got a response from xW this evening. As expected, she denied that the overnight constituted a violation of the cohabitation clause of the consent order. Just her typical moral relativism again. She actually made some lame excuse that it was no different than if they had all stayed in a hotel somewhere -- as if that's any more allowable.

Whatever. I've calmly stated my position on this one incident and there's nothing more for me to say about it. I'm not responding to anymore talk from her on this matter.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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I tried to get my x to sign a similar clause about not allowing non-related, opposite-sex overnights. He balked; said he would just hurry up and marry her. They moved in together into a house he had co-signed by his sister within 4 months of the divorce being final.

Good luck with it, NCB. It is a fine line we walk...

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Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Can you honestly tell me that your ex at any point treated you with such unwarranted hatred? Do I need to spell out any more differences?


I'm not going to get into a pissing for distance competition with you over whose worse off, but...........

Ummm, yeah, I DID LOSE EVERYTHING!

I lost my home,
I lost my worldly possessions
I lost my kids

All the while, yes, Xw planned her malicious affair to be the new life her and my kids, REMEMBER, she moved out, IMMEDIATELY with OM AND OUR KIDS. She stole my kids away repeatedly, then made false accusations to gain full temporary custody for months!!!!!!! I DID NOT SEE NOR TALK TO MY KIDS FOR OVER 2 MONTHS!!!

And all the while, my role as father was replaced by OM ON A DAILY BASIS!!!! 24/7, 7 days a week!!!!!!

So you want to tell me I have NO idea what you're going through?????

I'm out of this. I only tried to give you advice of what to do to not drive yourself crazy like I did. But you don't want it, that is fine.

Peace and Happy Holidays

dday out [with a blood prssure reading like no other]


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
dday101798 #1901177 12/24/09 02:48 PM
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It sounds like both of you guys each have your own very bad experiences with your former mates. I'm sorry. Kinda like being eaten by a coyote and crapped off a cliff!

Greek has a signature line that say's "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"...or something to that effect. I believe it to be true.


Merry Christmas guys...I hope it's as good as it can be for you.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
antlers #1901312 12/24/09 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: antlers
Kinda like being eaten by a coyote and crapped off a cliff!

My 2 cats (Donny and Marie) got eaten by coyote's the summer before last but I was not able to verify the cliff aspect.

smith18 #1901324 12/24/09 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: KerryK
Originally Posted By: antlers
Kinda like being eaten by a coyote and crapped off a cliff!

My 2 cats (Donny and Marie) got eaten by coyote's the summer before last but I was not able to verify the cliff aspect.


Whoa, didn't see that one coming. whistle


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Dylan,

I am sorry, but I'm going to suggest you take it down a notch -- and this is for your sake. Let me explain: the less alike our situations are to each other, the better off you are.

Yes, we can point out some circumstantial similarities between our families and our spouses and our ordeals, but I honestly believe that's where they need to end -- or else you're facing a serious world of hurt coming your way in your own sitch. The more alike they are the more trouble you would likely be in for.

My ex has emphatically told me her love for me ended a long time ago. She has said ILYBIANILWY once during the bomb -- since then it has been pure "I don't love you" and more "I abhor you". On this, she has not relaxed one micron. Furthermore, my ex has some serious deep-seated emotional and psychological problems that have always tainted her R's with men. Through IC and a lot of reflection, I have come to the conclusion that she has problems that I cannot overcome, nor would be able to overcome even if she hadn't gotten herself involved with OM -- and certainly not without her cooperation.

As such, my M was DB-proof. My xW is completely DB-proof, and any approach to her, whether using DB or not, always yielded more and more negative results. Anything I said or or did, or did not say or do, was greeted the same way -- as more fuel for her to end our M.

The very fact that you are seeing any sign of positive fruit with your ex should tell you just how utterly different our situations really are from each other. And for your sake, I'd count that as a good thing.

If my ex were to suddenly say she wanted to not only mend the bridges but be willing to try to fully reconcile, first, I'd have to recover myself from floor due to the utter shock, and then I'd have to decline. In my case, my ex has proven to me, without a shadow of a doubt, that the person she had previously wanted me to believe in - the one with kindness, moral values and integrity -- is totally gone (if she ever really existed at all). These last two years she has managed to finally convince me that the faith and trust I had always placed in her was now totally misguided -- she has and always will operate out of her own self interest and will sacrifice me and anyone else to get what she perceives as "happiness". (And then try to convince herself and others she acts only for other people's benefit and not her own.)

So, her hypothetical return to me would undoubtedly be driven by her perceived well-being and not for me or my kids. Now that I've seen behind the mask, I know her enough now to conclude that she will go to her grave before ever admitting (let alone rectifying) her mistakes with me, especially to me. I wish to God Almighty I was wrong on that.

I really hope and pray your ex is the total opposite of my xW.



Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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