Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

What a blah weekend.

Never left the house after getting in Friday night, felt terrible. Saturday wasn't much better, but installed a new eco-friendly thermostat, fired the furnace for the season and got a couple of other things off the 'to do list'. Then spent the rest of the night and yesterday just veggin out.

Never heard from the boys.

But, this week is going to be a turning point. Since I don't have the funding to continue to live my usual lifestyle, I'm going to use it as an excuse to change things. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not like some raging booze0hound or anything, my typical night after work is to come home, sit and and have a beer or two and then go about my night. But, it's gotten old. So, turning a new leaf this week. I've tried a few times, but something usually came up and caused a 'relapse', not this time. Nope, this time I'm going to push myself to do it, and my empty wallet helps

Anyway, will probably skim through everybody else's threads tonight after dinner. Lots to catch up on at work today.

[mishka422]

Good show Dylan! Alcohol doesn't help the mood or the wallet so good work.

[dday101798]

LOL!

I think I gave my cousin a heart attack yesterday. When I got home, she was next door talking with the neighbor and enjoying a few beers.

When she came back later on, there I was sittin gon the patio as normal, having my 'got through the day cigarette', but...

"WTF is that?" she asks. 'Huh?'. "In your hand, wtf is that!?!". 'A soda'. hehe. I explained it was time for some changes, must have went on deaf ears as I was making dinner and she asked if I wanted a beer (test maybe?). Declined.

And finally heard from the boys for the first time since last week. Sounds as if they didn't go to school yet again yesterday and spent the day in loserville. When I asked S12 if he went to school, he was skiddish to answer. S11 upon getting on the phone asked if the school calls me when they are absent.

XW was on a tirade as normal in the background. And as normal, it was coming upon 8:30 and they had yet to eat dinner.

Both however said they want to just stay 'home' with me this weekend and not doing anything lavish. What's up with that? But, I think the motive is to conserve cash so we can do something during the week as we used to. All I could say was, well, that depends on your mother.

Kinda getting to really look forward to seeing the shrink, but can't push myself to make the call. I'm sick of every other thought being about all this.

[dday101798]

Kinda getting to really look forward to seeing the shrink, but can't push myself to make the call. I'm sick of every other thought being about all this.

Well, finally kicked my self in the arse, first shrink appoint next Tuesday, this outta be good. She says don't worry it's only an hour. Pah! I plan on charging out the door in under 15 minutes.

[WalkingMan]

Whenmy XW and I were in the turmoil of the separation, I used reverse-psychology and told her I didn't think she would get help. Well to spite me she went to a therapist. The therapist thought she was such a mess, the XW was instructed to come twice a week. The she was told to goto the psychiatrist and got on some meds. She was much easier to deal with, but it chjanged nothing about getting a divorce. BUT I got the satifaction of an admittance that was right. She's doing much better and I'm happy to see her getting along ok now.

If I were you, I would not expect too much. Take it day by day, move on and get out more. Hopefully communication will improve for the benfit of your children.

[dday101798]

Heh, well Sg, psychs in school, pointless, a stint run with anti-drepressants a few years ago, pointless. BUT, I need to do something, so as we all say, when something isn't working, try something else. So why not go for the extreme, eh?

Yeah I'm getting out as best as possible, but still, D always seems to come up and muck every thing up. Plus it's usually just a bar thing, concert or what not and that's not healthy either.

On the communication front, I highly doubt it will improve, but just when I give up, something significantly changes, so we'll see. For now, there seems to not be much hope in the matter. I have S12's grades, and S11's jacket since last Thursday. Think she could even just send a text to check and see if I in fact do have them? Of course not.

She seems to think less and less about the impact of things on the kids every day and it's showing. Could care less about school and home life. Truly sad. But, I've already fired one warning shot for her to look around straighten up. The next one may very well be for the sinker. i summed it up this way in a previous conversation: She only wanted the kids for the 'paycheck', but she forgot, with a paycheck, comes work.

[dday101798]

Well, now that my enitre system is completely cleared of impurities, an epiphany:

Dylan version, whatever it was, was corrupt upon install.

Thus, after wiping the drive clean, Dylan version 1.0 has been reinstalled, then a patch with lessons learned from the flaud prodecessors to create Dylan version 1.1

My cousin is blown away that even tho I'm just a few days into it, I had ZERO desire for a beer last night. After applauding it an dI said, yeah at times it does get tough, but no, it needs to be this way; she kept testing me, 'hey, if you want one of mine, go ahead, it's just one'. Nope. Even after nearly getting the entire side of my truck re-arranged last night, no desire.

So, the reformatted version, is the clean me. Sure, I will have my entitled few on the weekend and when I go out for that rare occasion here and there, but NOT the every day ordeal, and NOT in the quantity as recently.

Why version 1.0 (upgraded?). Version 1.0 was about me. Coming from a royally messed up home life myself and on my own since 14, I have done A LOT of stupid things in my time. Then, the problem was 3-4 times worse, and it wasn't just alcohol either. But I was the only one to smack myself in the face and realize I had problems. And in doing so, I quit them all cold turkey.

So, version 1.1, thus far impliments much the same. But, with a added program of once I'm officially resolved of the alcohol issue, I should have all the confidence in the world to finally pick myself up and quit all the quesion of self worth, or if I'll ever be good enough to be with some one again, if I can ever trust someone again, and most importantly to start being more defensive and vocal of my own feelings and beliefs and all the other lessons learned through this experience.

I feel GREAT.

But, there is a virus that will have to be dealt with: 10/17.

[dday101798]

And the games continue,

Now S11 is in risk of receiving failing grades in three quarters of his classes, including P.E. for pete's sake. Me having practically no influence in the matter, but being the only one talking with the teachers isn't much help. I guess dependent upon what the reamining teachers have to say by the end of the day, looks like the only alternative is to have a pow-wow with the school and X.

For cripes sake people, I can't say it enough, you want out of marriage, fine, but guess what, with kids involved, you are ALWAYS going to be a parent, expecially when you fought tooth and nail for custody.

Texted X, no reply, what a surprise.

[volleydog]

That really sux, at least for all my w problems we agree and converse regularly on the kids, she is a great Mom.

I wonder how much of this is the om doing?

[dday101798]

I don't know 'dog.

I certainly know OM hasn't much input on anything where the kids are concerned, but does hamper and forbey our ability to communicate to a certain degree. My kids have been begging to sti down as a family (which, oops, sorry hon, in a way we still are) and have a stinking meal with each other. Plus you can always tell when he's around when she's on the phone.

And that just reminded me, it's Wednesday, loaf around the house day, so that's why she won't answer, probably too busy getting busy (GAG!!! )

Not to worry, if she chooses not to comply, she will be made to comply!