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ugggh,

Reading through a few threads and everybody talking about the 4th of July being this weekend reminds me, I have a lot of bad memories to live through this upcoming week. frown


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Posts: 9,762
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So make new GREAT ones!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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One thing my DBcoach said, after I found out about possible OW last summer, is the statement: My H's business was his business & mine was mine. Don't know if it applies to your sitch or will help. But it does show detachment.


Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
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Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
One thing my DBcoach said, after I found out about possible OW last summer, is the statement: My H's business was his business & mine was mine. Don't know if it applies to your sitch or will help. But it does show detachment.


I'd love to embrace that logic. Unfortunately, one year ago tonight, actually morning tomorrow I was a trainwreck and so were my kids as I was frantically trying to locate my XW after her not coming home again. That time is when I knew there had to be an affair going on as the person she claimed to always be with when she didn't come (the catalyst friend mad ) fessed up and said she hadn't seen or heard from XW either.

Whe I was finally able to get hold of XW, she proclaimed to be at said friends house. I didn't let on that I knew she wasn't. So, just before XW got home, something told me to go see which direction XW's car was coming from, and of course when the moment came, the entirely wrong direction of her friends house. It was at that moment I knew for sure something was rotten in Denmark.

So, as soon as Xw got to the porch I asked, "let's get this right the first time, where were you?" She replied adimently she was at her friends. "B/S" was my only reply and she saw it my face as I turned around went in side and let the kids know it was "ok, mom is home safe".

After getting the kids off to school, I retreated to the deck and XW came out as if I did something wrong all night and started to badger me. Puhlease, not acceptable, and then the truth came out when I asked again, where the F were you last night.

The hard and yet simple answer?

"I was f'n my boyfriend all night!"

If I could have my way, those words will be engraved on her tombstone deeper than they are in my head.

So I wish it were so easy to say, "it's her business". Her business however permanently effected the lives of not only myself, but her own children who I had relax, un-nerve and essentially lie to when their mother was MIA 3/4 of the time for well over a year and half, and 9 nights and mornings in the couple of months leading up to this grim truth.

I will be fine and deal with it in my own little way.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Ok then. Sorry, I didn't mean to drudge up bad memories. My point was was when you don't have your kids & she's asking you tons of questions about what you are doing. But I understand most times your kids call. You gotta do what works best for you & your sitch.


Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
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that's ok.

The problem with the "questions" is that SHE does not ask them directly. She goes through the kids, coaching them, and per teh parenting agreement is a BIGAZZ no-no, matter of fact, it is gournd rule one to re-itterate how it is written in the recital proclaiming the purpose of the agreement it'self, to nurture and foster a loving relationship between the children and both parents equally and responsibly.

In facing what I have to in this next two weeks, I am highly dissapointed, disgusted actually, that a judicial system could favor a person who can uproot and leave her children home and motherless while she has adultress fun at the cost of her family.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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So. question.

For some reason or another, shortly after we married and were ingulfed in parenthood, we never took very many pictures, of any of us, each other, the kids, heck we never had a family photo done.

In turning things around for myself, I made a change in that and when I had the kids on our last 'visit' I bought a couple of cameras and took pictures of our day together at the pier, by the boats, on the gianormous ferris wheel, anything I could.

Tomorrow before I pick the boys up I am having the film developed. Should I give XW a set? It is not my intent to start anything, or spark any illwilled feelings. Not really sure why I would want to give her a set, but for some reason do?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Oct 2007
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Hi dday -

Some of your situation sounds so familiar as mine. My W also picked up an STD and has said some batchit crazy quotes. I love the one where your XW says that OM respects you. Too bad it is not mutual - ha ha.

Glad to hear you are taking it slow with GF and it sounds like there are some definite red flags there.

As for giving XW a set of pictures, that really is your call. I keep my XW updated with DVD video and some pictures of the kids with the hopes that she will also provide me the same.

In regards to your XW using the kids to make arrangements, maybe you should print out the below 12 worst parenting mistakes that divorcing or divorced parents can make for her:

Quote:
1. Leaning on your child for support during this time of pain in your life is unhealthy and inappropriate. Children can not help their parents through the adult task of mourning the loss of a marriage! And loyalty issues will leave a child feeling guilty for siding against a parent or possibly disproportionately angry at a parent for leaving him with this burden. This is the time to lean on family and friends so you are strong enough to allow your child to lean on you.

2. You should never speak badly about your ex to or in front of the children. Although it may be difficult, it is not healthy for the children to take on your adult issues, even if they directly relate to the child. As a common example, a parent should not share with a child whether or not the other parent is paying child support, how much child support or when the child support doesn't come in no matter how tempting it may be. Because your child shares flesh and bone with your ex, any criticism of your ex will also feel like a criticism of the child and will erode his or her self esteem. This is never healthy and is certainly not productive.

3. Treating your child like a buddy and relating to him or her as a peer is a common change that occurs after some divorces. While it may be tempting to commiserate with your child since you have both lost something important in your lives, your losses are different. Your child is not a mini-adult!

4. Mothers of sons and fathers of daughters should be particularly careful that they do not put their oldest child into the position of "replacement spouse", "man of the house", "woman of the house", etc. Children need to feel like children and feel the security of knowing their parent can and will take care of all adult responsibilities.

5. Spoiling your child in order to divert his grief or pain is not a healthy way of dealing with his pain or yours. If you are the parent who has moved away from your child, you may have an even larger temptation to fight off since your time together will be so limited now. It feels important to make that time memorable to your child and what child doesn't love new toys? But more than toys, a child needs to feel stable and safe. This can be obtained through parenting "as usual", despite the changing life around you all. No child wants a toy to replace a parent.

6. Transferring your hostile feelings about the divorce or your ex onto your child is unhealthy, at best. Many children already feel like divorce is their fault when, of course, it never is. Although your child shares blood and genes with your ex, whom you may resent and despise, the child did not choose for any of this to happen.

7. Never discuss parenting time, custody or child support issues in front of the kids. This means no discussions during routine transfers of the children from one home to the other. It means no cell phone conversations with your children sitting in the back seating listening in. It means waiting until they go to bed or are out of the area before making phone calls to discuss adult issues. You probably felt it was important not to argue in front of your children when you were still married with your ex. This is just as important now that you are divorced! Even if you can discuss issues civilly, children should not be privy to them. It is far too common for children to overhear these discussions and feel as if they are the cause of the issue or they are a burden to one parent or the other. Children do not like to feel like a business transaction!

8. Alienating a child from the other parent is an all-too-common, often subconscious tactic that parents may use during or after a divorce. Alienating is a form of brainwashing where one repeatedly insists, to the child, that facts and feelings exist between the other parent and the child until the child begins to agree, whether true or not. When alienated long enough, children may resist any bond with the other parent and that parent may, out of frustration and hopelessness, sever ties with the child. This is the worst no-no any divorcing parent can commit and it has a name: Parental Alienation Syndrome.

9. Putting your child in the middle is one of the most common divorce no-no's. Asking your child questions about the other parent or time spent with the other parent, or asking your child to relay questions and information between parents are all harmful methods of putting the child in the middle. Parents should always communicate all issues privately between themselves and any questions or concerns about the other parent's home or situation should be directed at the parent, not the child.

10. Never put your child in the position of choosing. Most states have statues that require a child to be almost an adult before being capable of choosing where they want to live. Some states never allow the child this choice. This is because a child has natural healthy loyalty toward both parents. Being asked to make any choice between parents - whether the choice is who has custody or whose house the child wants to spend Christmas at - puts the child in the awkward position of shifting their loyalty away from one parent in favor of the other. This can leave them feeling guilty, resentful, angry and sad.

11. Don't make your child's special occasion an opportunity to focus on your marital resentment or hostility. Let your child's birthdays, holidays, school performances, dance recitals and sports events all be opportunities to focus on your child and how proud you are of your child. This is not the time to discuss parenting time issues, child support issues or to berate each other or ex-relatives. If you question your ability to be polite or civil, consider taking turns at special events or limiting your attendance. Often times, though, events will be large enough for parents to both attend at opposite ends of the room, leaving the child to interact freely with both sides of the family without fear of disruption or drama.

12. Although going through a divorce can make a parent feel emotionally needy, this should not be shared with your child through action or word. A child who feels a parent's neediness too much will begin feeling guilty or fearful of leaving the parent when it is time to spend time with the other parent. In some situations, children can feel so guilty that they no longer feel good about leaving the parent at all, even to go to school or to play at a friend's house. This is a huge burden to cast on a child.

smith18 #1792652 07/01/09 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted By: KerryK
maybe you should print out the below 12 worst parenting mistakes that divorcing or divorced parents can make for her:


Hi Kerry,

Actually, she already has a copy of this, it was provided to her in the court ordered parenting class she apparently slept through. crazy

I really thought that class would have been a b-slap to her, but no, just made her turn more stale.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
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How is it that you wrote up the parenting plan, she had court ordered parenting classes, etc and she got the majority of the custody? That doesn't make a lick of sense!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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