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dday....not sure what to tell you other than a piece of paper that says your D is final is only that.....a piece of paper. They underlying emotion connected to the dissolving of your M is what needs to be dealt with. Until you can no longer look at your xw as "doing this to you and your kids", you will carry the emotion on your sleeve.

RESPECT is earned. She lost your respect when she left for OM. At some point, you lost her respect or she would not have done it in the first place. The point is to now RESPECT your respective roles as parents to your children. Business only. No emotion. The logistics of co-parenting take a LOT of time to organize and become comfortable with. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I know you say that you are done with her. That she is done with you. Are you sure about that? If you were, do you think you would still have this much emotion about what she is saying or doing?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Quote:
2- Give up the desire to speak. Get the kids their own phone on my plan and all communication between each other should thereby written and certified.



What is the point of spending more money when you don't have to? If I didn't want to speak to my stbx when he called I would just let the kids answer the phone. That way I didn't have to talk. It is simple.











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Originally Posted By: mishka422
dday....not sure what to tell you other than a piece of paper that says your D is final is only that.....a piece of paper. They underlying emotion connected to the dissolving of your M is what needs to be dealt with. Until you can no longer look at your xw as "doing this to you and your kids", you will carry the emotion on your sleeve.

RESPECT is earned. She lost your respect when she left for OM. At some point, you lost her respect or she would not have done it in the first place. The point is to now RESPECT your respective roles as parents to your children. Business only. No emotion. The logistics of co-parenting take a LOT of time to organize and become comfortable with. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I know you say that you are done with her. That she is done with you. Are you sure about that? If you were, do you think you would still have this much emotion about what she is saying or doing?


Day 9 and what a mess.

Mish, all of your points above couldn't have come at a stranger time. Last night at 5pm as I'm trying to leave work, I get a call from XW's number. I answer and it's s12 wanting to know what I'm up to yadda-yadda, all the while XW is in the background 'coaching' him. Then S11 gets on and much the same, he was excited because he finally made the B honor roll, I'm very proud of him. Then comes the inevitable, XW is on the phone.

First we discuss plans for the weekend for the kids with me, then school, and then, her voice drops and it's into the "state of the union". Without going into detail as I got hit with so much all at once, I just don't know what to think of it all:

A) we're both sorry for being short with each other, myself mainly and the ability to speak civily must be obtained.

B) the war is over, the wrongs on both sides took their tolls on the M and it would be nice if they could be laid to rest once and for all.

C) XW proclaims she did none of this to hurt me. Obviously, this statement is hard to swallow and I voiced that politely, and XW became remorseful to my statement that it is what she wanted. She says it is absolutley not what she wanted and her life is a mess. She even went so far as to belittle OM a couple of occasions, referring to him as her chauffer. Swears she did not set out to destroy me, although the final result says differently.

D) In conjunction with C above, the kicker, XW proclaims she has always loved me, still loves and me and even more so after all this. Huh? crazy

E) and this one is being inducted into the WAS Hall of Fame for ridiculous statements: "OM respects you". (ok, wait a second, you come along, snatch up someone's wife, immediately live with her, go like bunny rabbits in public for the entire town to see, and then take my role as the male figure in my kids life, but you 'respect me'? Did I miss something here?)

F) and more so of all the above, XW bottom line is not 'happy' but there was so much done all around that she didn't know anyway to make it work.

Certainly no closure was reached to any of the underlying issues, just more confusion. I don't understand it at all. But at least a line of communication seemed to be reached. I just really wish that my head just wasn't swimming so hard when all this happened yesterday so that I can remember every word of it and her exact emotion and intent, but it just so difficult. I really dont know what she is trying to say, one moment it's just 'sorry', next it's 'I'm so sorry for doing all this to you, how can I fix it?' and then it ends with, "it is what is" then the whole cycle repeats?

ugh.

to make matters worse, my cousin got her hours cut at work today, so we're probably 45 days from being out on the streets. wonderful.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Originally Posted By: T2SP
What is the point of spending more money when you don't have to? If I didn't want to speak to my stbx when he called I would just let the kids answer the phone. That way I didn't have to talk. It is simple.


Clarification, she has residential custody, I have to call her, and everytime I do, I get her and it usually does not go well.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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If she didn't want to talk to you then she would have them answer the phone when you called. Does she have caller ID? It goes to show she does still want contact with you.

Hang in there. Things will get better.











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Originally Posted By: T2SP
If she didn't want to talk to you then she would have them answer the phone when you called. Does she have caller ID? It goes to show she does still want contact with you.

Hang in there. Things will get better.


Yes, it's her cell phone, so she knows it's me. (civil) Contact is fine, but until yesterday, she refuses to let go of the issues and has been insentive to the impact that the D, OM and being reduced to 72 hour per month father has upon everyone but her.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Hhhmmm, kinda sounds like she's hit rock bottom. And would like some company .... hence dragging you down. Not the bed of roses she imagined after D?

Strange, my XH didn't really want to D either (so he says). Yet it seems this was the only way he could see a new, fresh start, maybe without so much guilt. New, fresh start to what, I'm not sure???

Yep, stay strong & hang in there!!


Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
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Day 10 and more oddities.

Just as I'm going to bed last night at 11pm, the boys call. I can only assume that the main purpose was for XW to confirm what time exactly I was picking the boys up tonight as that was the first thing out of S11's mouth.

He sounded really upbeat to talk on the phone for once, kind of strange, but once again I could hear XW in the background 'coaching' the conversation "ask your father 'this', tell your father 'that'". And both boys said "mom wants to talk to you when I'm done", but my cell phone battery cut out. I called back on the land line that I guess she didn't have yet, and since I was in a good mood to hear from the boys and upbeat, that must of threw her off guard as she answered but didn't know what to say it seemed and put the boys back on.

So, maybe your right MsM. Maybe she's has hit rock bottom, but I've been there and have no desire to go back. As I've said, it is her turn to live life wondering "what if?", I was relinquished of that duty 10 days ago. Would I jump at the chance to R? At this moment, no. At his moment in time, I do carry a chip on shoulder in her regard that I would like to get rid of, but I'm just not sure how.

And then again, is it all just another game? Let's see, I've been releaved and on the upbeat side that the D was finally over instead of depressed and in turmoil as she was probably expecting. I'm doing my darndest to get past this adn pyut a positive outlook on the life ahead of me, instead of dwelling the past as she was probably expecting.

One thing from our conversation the other day that really got under skin it seemed, the upcoming 4th of July. We had our routine, the local parade, a party in the park with friends family and neighbors, and as many fireworks shows as can be. And it just so happens to be her favorite holiday. Well, this year marks the one year anniversary that Xw ditched me all day long after not coming home 2 days prior and sat with OM all day long. Thus, this year, as I told her as I have them for the 4th this year, in response to asking what time I will meet them at the parade, I will not be there, nor will they, this is a new life for me and them through all this and time for new traditions. She did not like that at all.

I would really like to hear anyone else's interpretation of this change in behavior. As MsM said, maybe she's at the bottom, and if I get too close, I know she WILL suck me down with her. No way. But then again, I'm accustomed to nothing but lies. However, this marks the first time since the 'New Years Episode' that she's been opein with me, lies or not. And it's the same old story, "we were so messed up, things were so broken, but I still love you, but this needs to be and I'm sorry, and I don't 'want' to be with him, but I have to", wtf?

I don't know, I just don't know what to think. I am just going to carry on and let it be. If she's serious, she'll need to convey that. However, right now, 10 days after having all of our lives delittled for the sake of her sefishness, I reserve the right to be quietly bitter.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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It takes a while to heal and I mean really heal. Not just saying I survived the divorce. When my ex comes around to pick up the kids for whatever, I can't even look at him, don't say a heck of a lot and do my own thing. No reason to make him feel comfortable. I don't do that out of bitterness but to basically keep my self with in my own own boundaries.

When R talk ever starts(for me everything is interwined, I don't get the compartmentalization that some can do)it is not a good thing. Can not go there as the memories are still too fresh.

Your ex seems to think you can still do all the same things even if OM is along for the ride. She is cake eating. Kudos to you for saying that you are going to do your thing this holiday. Time for her to see what divorce really means.

Best wishes, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #1786010 06/19/09 04:41 PM
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Thanks Kat.

I was doing the same as you when I'd pick up the kids and not look at her and only say what needed to be said and that was it. For that duration of time, it needed to be done and it worked and everyone was happy with it. But now, with the D final it just simply doesn't feel right.

And what do we preach? If something isn't working, try for something that does.

Do I want to be her 'best-buddy'? No, and I don't think that will possible. But what I would like is for the animosity, the bitterness and all lingering questions to be resolved once and for all. And in trying to work with her to do so, the last few days events are what I get in return and it just doesn't make sense. I don't know what she is trying to say.

The bottom line is, lives are forever changed. Hers, mine, the kids, our respective families, everyone. As such, all previous traditions are those of the past. The way we raised out boys, the way we celebrate holidays, the list could go on forever.

I did not offer her one bit of return of R talk. I stood my ground with stating the simple obvious truth of reality today, this is what you wanted, this what you got. Not to be negative in any way shape or form. I withdrew any and all negative statement I had made Monday night, asking for the simple forgiveness that she must understand, the overall cost of her actions took their toll as I'm sure they will again should she be insensitive again.

It's just so frustrating not only to question what she is trying to say, but also to question if it is believable.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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