I know anyway the fact that he’s seeing someone I considered a close friend is gossip enough, I’m sure I’m not the only one talking about it. I’ve heard that her STBXH has threatened to kill them both, so if I was him I’d be more worried about that than anything I’ve got to say on the subject.
You’re right it is about me. I’ve been successful detaching in the main, but have had my odd moments of trying to cling on to the M. I’m there now though. I can sort of look at the sitch from the outside which is weird.
The past couple of years have changed me immensely. I got over my depression and redeveloped a PMA, I’m out with mates more than ever and enjoying my life, picked up new hobbies, stopped putting the kids and my H before my needs and become more open and honest with my feelings. It’s an ongoing journey and I’ll never be perfect.
My H is not the man that I married and it’s only if I saw that man again would I be interested in reconciliation. What I’m finding it hard to come to terms with is that the man that I married 20 odd years ago, who I raised my kids with, who I built a house with, who I shared so much with is gone. That’s the real tragedy here, just at the time in our life when we should be discovering each other again and looking forward to growing old together.
BUT there’s still a nagging something right in the back of my mind telling me that this is wrong. Maybe it’s just more time that I need.
And despite all the friends, family, fun activities and so on I’m lonely. I need someone to share my life with, but thinking about it brutally my H wasn’t around much and if I’m honest I’ve been lonely for years even during the later part of my M (one of the reasons that the EA happened I believe). I need someone different, someone who wants to share all their life with me, not someone who slots me in somewhere between work and his own hobbies. He’s still the same in that respect, likes to have life ordered work, hobbies, family life and none of it merged into each other. Even with the gf he won’t get involved with her family, he’s got his own or so he’s told one of my kids.
Well Christmas is rearing it’s ugly head already. Not sure what to do. My H asked the kids to go round on the morning and they’ve all said no. Now he’s asked them to go round in the afternoon. That would put us under pressure to get dinner/present opening done by a certain time and I don’t want that. It makes sense to me for him to call round at our house where the kids would be – given that he’s going out somewhere anyway. I don’t think he wants to do that as he feels it would be awkward. When you leave your W and start a R with her best friend some situations are bound to be awkward that’s just part of the territory I think. It doesn’t feel difficult for me or the kids he’s the only one who’s reluctant.
I want to stay out of any R that he has with the kids, but do I suggest that he comes to us for a couple of hours as that’s easier. If I do that would it come over us pursuing or controlling?
He’s already decided to take the kids to his mum’s for Boxing Day so it’s not as if he’s not going to see them. His parents are happy to see me, but he doesn’t feel it appropriate that I go.
I have just spent time refreshing myself with your sitch.
I am generally missing in action on the BB these days....
My sitch is status quo and not good enough for me anymore. I am facing a 5th court appearance on the D next Friday 12/4/09. I have plans to proceed. I cannot live with a WAH with the same OW any longer. Yes, we have rekindled our friendship to a point where I fear it will remain as is. Not going forward or backward in reality and it doesn't feel good enough. I am far better off today than I was 4 1/2 years ago in the sitch, so progress was achieved in some fashion. I have accepted it.
I have a hard time knowing what to do on the holidays. We had Thanksgiving this week. I spoke to my H on Weds, the day before, and never mentioned the next days events. I did not consider inviting H to my dinner with son. For me it was not an option. H is in a different place now and appears willing to remain there. I will not entertain his ego further by inviting him. His life needs to be what he is making of it from now on.
Christmas is even harder. To answer your dilemma about what to do....IMO, let your GROWN kids decide when they want to get together with their Dad. You may be disappointed in the decision, and then maybe not. I would not suggest/invite him to come to your holiday. If the kids invite him to your home or if he comes to you and expresses interest in joining the 5 of you then graciously welcome him either way.
IMO, he has to be left alone to face his own consequences of his choice. He needs to accept that his choice has left the family with the unpleasant task of having to choose between you and him. He has already apparently shut you out of Boxing Day at his folks. It is Ok to not include him in your Christmas.
If your kids have already chosen you for Christmas morning do not feel pressured to end your festivities by a certain hour just to appease H. It ends when it does and that is that. H will have to settle for whatever time is left if he wants to have a part of the day with them. Consequences!!!
It may be hard on the kids to make the decision, I have a feeling they will make the right choice for everyone. If they are like mine, they have a great deal of maturity and a smart approach attitude about it all. I bet they will surprise you.
I think I jumped around here a bit. I am sorry if I did.
My H will not be invited for our Christmas. My H will have to make time for my son on his own. My son is 13 and I am the active parent and have sole custody, Christmas will be my way with son. H will have to accept my decisions about it. In H's family the only one who bothers with son is my FIL. Son will spend the two days prior with his grandfather so no further need for more contact. I don't currently care if H sees him at all. Consequences!!!!
I think Bonny, we come to a place where our H's thoughts and feelings and wants are not so front and center in our minds. We eventually get hardened to their actions to the point that we are fine without them and along with it we are not so courteous of them. It's bound to happen sooner or later given their behaviors towards us.
My thoughts are with you even though I don't post much anymore.
Take care, my friend....
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Well not much more to report. Still not sure what’s happening xmas day. I’ve told the kids that their father is welcome to call round if he wants as that makes sense, there’s 4 of them and 1 of him for a start, but that I’m not interfering between him and them. The kids will decide although at the moment he’s adamant that he won’t call in. Maybe it’s got something to do with OW who knows. I sense that she’s putting him under some sort of pressure, she wants more than he’s prepared to give.
I finally don’t care whether he comes round or not, it’s the kids shout. Got my head round it now, if they end up going there it’s not the end of the world and an hour or two on my own may actually be welcome.
Good luck to you Sanderika in what will be a tough week ahead.
Hi Bonny, Glad you've sorted the Christmas stuff in your head. Mu H emailed last week to say, "Have you decided what you're doing for Christmas yet." I replied to say we were having lunch and he replied thank you but I haven't heard yet how he will meet up with the kids. I'm figuring that it's his problem and like you maybe a couple of hours without them could be quite acceptable!
Well it’s been a while since I updated, there’s not too much to report. Christmas passed off OK, kids spent the day with me and then went to their father’s for a couple of hours in the evening. It made me sad that they went and have been put in the position of deciding what to do, where to go and when but that’s the sitch we’re in. New Year, kids went their own ways, I went to visit an old friend and catch up with others and then called in at MILs. They made me welcome which was lovely.
Didn’t send a card or present to my H although he did send a card to me. Was apparently upset that I didn’t send him one. My reason for not doing so is that although we are friendly we are not friends so it no longer seems appropriate.
Next thing is my FILs upcoming birthday. It’s a big one and the family have organized a surprise party to which I’ve been excluded. OW has been invited but is not going. I hate this bit, I love my FIL and believe him to be fond of me, I’ve known him for 25+ years and it does seem unfair that I’m not involved in the celebrations. I also think that this would be a good opportunity for me and my H to demonstrate to the family that although we’ve separated we can still function on a civil basis. What do others think? I’m considering a direct approach and asking if I can go along too. On the other hand it could be seen as me being controlling and less detached than I portray.
Seem to have backslid a bit on the detachment, it may be just the emotion of Christmas etc and when I’m back at work proper I’ll get a better grip on things.
Why, even after all this time, do I sometimes what to scream, just come home and sort this out?
OK time to stop whining and get back on the horse.
