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#1781766 - 06/11/09 12:18 PM Reconciliation after divorce
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Has this happened to anyone and if so how?

Not quite divorced yet but as good as, my husband's completely sure that we're done. I've done good at GAL and have a good PMA and he can see the changes but says he's feeling indifferent to me. He's also in a new (or so he says) relationship with one of my best friends who's also separated.

We've been apart for 2 years now, but I still feel that we're doing the wrong thing.

Any advise would be much appreciated.
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1781807 - 06/11/09 01:40 PM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: bonnyh]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Hi jackk.

As I was searching for hope all last week for signs my XW didn't really want a D, I came across a few threads that the divorce going through was the only way for the couples to finally see eye to eye and explore reconcilliation, and some of them did.

So, I guess it depends on those involved. Others and I'm going to say myself included for now look at it as, it's done it's over and finally start to heal themselves and move on in life. And it's when the WAS realizes that the LBS has uprooted and moved on, answers will follow.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1782204 - 06/12/09 09:06 AM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: bonnyh]
JMC Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/07
Posts: 208
Hi Jack - sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation (divorced almost a yr, separated 2+, ex-w in MLC living w/affair partner - very sad). I miss her and hope for reconciliation as I find it hard to believe this is the best alternative and God's will.

Regarding reconciliation, I have read that people do remarry. Depending on the source, it seems between 8-18% of divorces end up remarried.
_________________________
Me: 48
Ex-W: 45
M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93
Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06
OM
Separated: mid-Feb '07
Divorced mid-July '08
One daughter - 28
XW living w/OM

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#1782636 - 06/12/09 07:38 PM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: JMC]
lovenomatterwhat Offline
Member

Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 172
Loc: New England
Hi Bonnyh,

Please read my story at

Part I

Part II

My wife and I were divorced last year. In my particular situation, I was the one who was at fault. That said, we are now back together (still got issues that we are piercing through). At takes a lot of work, DBing, patience and determination. I can't tell you how many times I felt like quitting or how many tears and sleepless nights I had. But reconciliation after divorce can happen. Read my story and I hope that you can find some encouragement from it as the odds were really against me. Like I said, I am still ironing out issues, but I know that my family was worth the fight and tears. We are not married yet, but at least I know that that is what we both want and are working towards. Please give me some more details about your situation and I will see if I can give you any advice.

Thanks

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#1782783 - 06/13/09 05:57 AM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: lovenomatterwhat]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Hi lnww, JMC and dday

Thanks for replying and for giving me hope!

Briefly my story is this. I've been married for 25 years and have raised 4 kids all now grown. The problems for me started about 6 years ago. i struggled to come to terms with the fact that the kids were growing up and that I was no longer a central part of their lives. I believe I became depressed. My h tried to get me over this by focusing on what would happen once the kids left, unfortunately this came across to me as uncaring and pushy. I wanted to enjoy them whilst they were still at home and he wanted to move forward to the next phase in our lives before I was emotionally ready - I was not nice to him at this time. Then I met an ex who seemed to understand what I was going through and listened to me, it became an EA. My h found out and I stopped all contact although my heart wasn't in the m at the time. 18 months later I started to repair myself and began to look forward and cheered up I began to look forward to a life with my h. This came too late for my h and he left. I do blame myself for this and have aplogised by letter and in person more times that i can remember.

My h says that he felt a whole in his life and had done for the entire marriage but the whole became so big he left as he felt we could never be happy together and he would rather try and be happy with someone else. He needed love in his life and didn't want to get it from me.

After he left we tried MC but it seemed to focus more on our differences and lack of communication rather than how we could repair. The experience further convinced my h that we should part.

Since he's been gone I've done all the wrong things, begging etc. I mainly tried to focus on the practical issues of why we should stay married rather than the emotional. I've worked hard to be more emotionally open as he said that was one of the problems.

For the past two years I've GAL and have a good PMA (most of the time). He says he can see the changes but that they have no effect on him, he's indifferent to me. Now he's in a relationship with someone I considered to be a good friend, I don't believe that this r will last they don't have much in common and to be frank I think the attraction is that they were both separated at the same time, they became emotionally involved on the rebound. I could be wrong and they are the love of each others lives.

I'm doing my best to detach but find the balance difficult to him I come across as cold. I do not initiate contact and try to be first to say goodbye.

I've signed up to a divorce busting coach and that has been a great help particularly in getting a PMA.

Not really sure what my next step should be. I've as a goal having one positive conversation/meeting with my h, but so far haven't been successful. Each time we meet he views it negatively even if I feel positive. It's as if he's putting up unnecessary barriers and looking for the negatives in me, rather than focusing on the good. He's closed down emotionally from me and nothing will change his viewpoint.

Thanks for reading this.
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1784641 - 06/17/09 09:48 AM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: bonnyh]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Need a bit of advice. I've got my H coming round next week to get his remaining possessions. It will be the first time I've seen him for 3 months and then it didn't go well, he accussed me of ignoring him and we ended up in a big fight which probably further made him think that he was doing the right thing to leave.

We've exchanged business like emails but I think that when we meet face to fact I should go for 'acting as if' I was happy/over him/moved on. I do find doing this difficult without coming across as abrupt (thus last time he thought I was ignoring him).

What do others think?
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1784812 - 06/17/09 01:26 PM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: bonnyh]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Bonny,

All I can really say at this point is that there are 2 things you have in favor to help negotiate the situation in knowing your H for so long:

1-what not to say or do and turn the situation awry

2-what to say or do to correct #1.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1789229 - 06/25/09 06:46 AM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: dday101798]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Well think it went Ok last weekend. Msde myself busy whilst H cleared his stuff out although just said give me a shout if you need help. Wasn't required though One odd thing, he took all my CDs and books too. Perhaps he's looking for an excuse to return them a friend said - I doubt it though more likely just scooped everything up - we''ll see if they get returned. Had good attitude and a bit of a general talk about kids, parents, no R talk thankfully.

Back to going dark I suppose.

Did hear that he was ill the next day though - he's never ill bad luck or a reaction to the final nail in the M coffin?

It's hard not to obsess isn't it?
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1789287 - 06/25/09 09:44 AM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: bonnyh]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Good to hear there was no friction.

I can only guess why he was ill as my XW has been out of work "sick" all week so far after me having the kids last weekend and going places with them that a 'new person' and I tried out prior to taking them.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1789577 - 06/25/09 03:00 PM Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: dday101798]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10331
It's apparent that you went through a major MLC. The empty nest was the main trigger for you. In doing so, you triggered your H's own MLC. His actions make that very apparent.

There have been no papers filed, so stop considering yourself D'd. First thing to do is to keep a PMA. While he's been gone, what have you done for yourself? Did you look and act your best when you did interact with him? You do need to act "as if" to show him that you aren't the needy person that he left behind.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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