Jenn, G has great advice - keep doing your best to get out of bed and into activities!!!
Also, I'd encourage you to practice stopping all those thoughts that seem to never end. This may be helpful: 1. When those thoughts start, imagine a big red flashing stop light telling you to immediately stop your running thoughts.
2. Then turn your attention to thoughts that can distract you. It could your favorite song, a prayer, verse, poem, envisioning a wonderful vacation, or whatever you want it to be. I would encourage you to go back to the same distraction every time, as your brain will begin to connect your "new thought" to a more calming mood. Along with this process, really slow down your breathing and relax.
3. Give this many weeks to begin to start slowing down your thought cycle. Know that you may need to mentally go to the stop light many times at first, but don't give up! More and more, your new distraction will move you away for longer periods of time.
And Jenn remember - keep spending time with friends, family, and activties! I hope this helped and I admire your proactive steps!
Laurie Divorce Busting Relationship Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 815-337-8000 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with Laurie - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
If I could throw an extra into this mix of good ideas - use your body in positive ways. Some examples: 1) Force yourself to smile, in a mirror if one is handy. 2) Be playful in the mirror. Try silly faces. Flirt with yourself - wink, purse your lips, have fun. It sounds strange, but the mind has a hard time holding onto negative thoughts when it is looking at ! 3) Make fists and hold them over your head like Rocky. Again, the brain relates this to a victory, which is incongruent with negative, defeated thoughts. 4) Skip. Make sure the sidewalk is not icy when you try this one. It feels silly, and the brain just doesn't quite know what to do with it. 5) Go somewhere else. If you are thinking negative thoughts in the chair, move to the couch. If you are in the kitchen, go into the garage. Sometimes that is enough for the brain to get off the negative track.
Be creative!
CF
Divorce Busting Relationship Coach Call The Divorce Busting Center at 800-664-2435 to schedule a telephone consultation with Chuck - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com
Here's just a little something...it's really a result of Michelle's STOP SIGN technique...
I have found that giving up what I couldn't control IS BEYOND ANY DOUBT what allowed me to begin to find my personal PEACE again.
NOW that my H is home and we are doing extremely well...I find that if one of those BURNING QUESTIONS springs to mind, you know, the kind that takes on a life all its own and tries to send us back to that painful place we fought so hard to escape...well, what I do is ask myself, "IF I ASK THIS QUESTION AND IF I GET AN ANSWER, WILL THAT CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENED? Well of course the answer is NO...because no matter how hard we try, we can't pretend, rationalize or excuse away the painful past...so rather than rehash it we're better off simply learning from it...and trudging forward no matter how thick or deep the mud of our own fear is. T2
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks everyone, I am having a tough time of thought stopping. I am constantly thinking of my sitch. It is driving me crazy!! I am going to try to put some of your suggestions into action. I need to let go of my thoughts, they are consuming me.
You know, I hadn't read this before, but it is needed. I was using Colin's technique just today, and it did help some. Unfortunately, I think I may need more than this as things seem to spiral ever deeper, and almost hourly intervals....
It seems to help to pre-plan some things you will replace the negative thoughts with.
My wife and I were discussing this stop sign technique the other day, and she came up with an interesting and helpful addition to it!
Picture this stop sign at a 4-way intersection on a country road. Once you have "stopped", you now have a choice to make. You can choose to go forward on the same path you've been, or choose to turn left, or to turn right.
Picture in your mind what's down the road for you in either the left or right turns. Her right turn was a mountain road, with lots of trees, with a stream running along side of it. Her left turn was a slow cruise along the ocean highway in a convertible.
Try to figure out what lays ahead for you in the left and right turns of your "thought intersection", and see if this helps you to keep from moving forward on the path you've been on!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
This is great! All of the suggestions a terrific! I am having frequent OW thoughts lately, and needed a refresher course in thought-stopping. Thank you all~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
As I am very new to the realizations that brought me here, I have a lot of thoughts I need to stop. Sometimes it seems like almost all of them need to stop.
I'm using the picture of a deadend road, ending at a precipice as my "stop sign" because if I don't stop, there will be a disaster. It is very important to stop.
Now, if I can only make a list or somehow know which thoughts to stop. If I literally stop ALL of them, I don't get out of bed, of course.
If I had my goals in mind - any goals that were reasonable - it would help. So, that's something it's okay to think about.
Stop thinking, except about goals. I'll post my one goal on the goal thread, I guess.
Im still working on the thought stopping process. Easier said than done. I believe most of my problem is the seperation that we have between us until I can get back to the states. Insecurities raise up quite a bit, sometimes Im better at thought stopping than others. Guess its something to keep working on.... God Belss, Eric
"A POSITIVE MIND IS A POWERFUL FORCE"
READ-PSALM 34:4-8
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=664071&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I have a similar situation. My husband and I had been seperated since January and we just got a divorce on Friday. I didn't want the divorce and I truly beleive he didn't either. He is in the military and we used to fight all the time. When he was sent to NY I stayed in VA for my job. What a BIG mistake. I really miss him and I wanted us to get back together no maater what. He still says that he loves me, but he is not in love with me. I went to the hearing with him and tried up intil the minute he went in front of the judge. I told him that I was honored to have been his wife. He then brushed my hair out of my eyes and I held his hand and told him I loved him. He just stared into my eyes.. He even cried... It just doesn't make sense.. What do I do now? Have I truly lost him?
Glad I found this post. There are several times during the day I think about my husband or situation. I tell myself "Stop" and most of the time it works. I also tell the Devil to stop and get out of my life and pray for God to get him out. This works pretty well also. I will have to try these things now too. Ecspecially when mine do not work. Great Job!
This is my first post here. I am having a terrible time with the constant thoughts of OW and what my husband is doing with her and not with me. I have tried saying "stop it" our loud but never tried to change my location. I will try that next. I have also accepted that his choices are his and not mine and i cannot change them. I have noticed the thoughts are not as intrusive since i have done that. I hope to put more of these suggestions to use.
I am glad I found this. I was feeling so HOPELESS. Now only is my WAW going to be out tomorrow, I am losing my place to live in 3 days. So I am losing my "HOME" no matter which way it goes. I am still feeling very bad, but not quite as much. Maybe I won't do something totally stupid after all.
Cool link-->DANCING ALIEN Read and relate-->MY THOUGHTS
Thanks for the additional suggestions...the smiling in the mirror kinda works for me...or forcing myself to smile in general works..the stop signs don't...can't imagine them no matter how i try... I'm also gonna start humming or whistling my favorite song or a song on the radio...songs make me feel good ..unless it's a slow romantic song...then i'm depressed....
You know, I was noticing that ALL the songs on the radio right now are romantic of some kind...either good or bad! I guess I am just noticing because I'm hurting so bad! Ger!!
My newest trick is to do my best Drill sargeant impression and say "drop & give me twenty" (OK, ten ) This is obviously not an option while at the grocery store, at least not for me. It seems to work well for me. I am getting bigger muscles, I am forced to laugh at myself for my impression, and the energy developed by the exercise carries me past my hang ups.
Alot of great advice in here. I replay a ballgame that I played in. But man the part where I start to think negative thoughts is when I'm driving in my car. I consistantly find myself saying stop the negative thoughts. I'll try more of these ideas for sure.
Thought stopping is a great idea! I could have used this before the separation about millions of things. My mind has always seemed to go millions of miles an hour!
Just thougth I wold add an idea that worked for me. I am still very new to this, been add it for a week. The thought stopping is very hard. Anyway today I am cleaning and wanted to listen to music. I have a hard time with music right now as most of it is about love and breaking up. My D wanted to listen to her CD. It is children bible songs. I will tell you this was a great thought stopper for me. Sounds silly but give it a try.
Hi. I'm new here too. Day 5 in purgatory and the thought stopping ideas sound really helpful. I'm going to give some of them a try. I have one that helps a bit that I got a while ago from a therapist I was seeing. When you are getting overwhelmed feeling bombarding you and you feel like falling apart, put it off. Tell yourself that at a certain time of day, everyday, make an appointment with yourself to let yourself experience all the negative thinks that are flowing through your mind. BUT...there must be a time limit. Give your self say 30 minutes to start and then start to cut the time down. Giving yourself permission to be sad but at a set time everyday makes it a little bit easier to control since you can tell yourself that you will deal with this later. And then you deal with it and let it go. I am going to be adding the stop signs and so on to this method. Thanks of all the terrific ideas. Janet
If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.....& I'm not dead yet!
Well, being only a month into my situation and not having the DB book yet, the way I handle it is I walk out of my office and just say to myself quietly, over and over....."Stay focused, stay focused"..
I am new to this as well and I have discovered a very effective thought stopping technique...when I need to "thought stop", I picture an extremely large naked man with the word "STOP" painted across his chest...he gets in front of everything I am trying to think about and it makes me laugh and immediately I want to think of something else.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Laurie is great. It took both my elderly parents becoming ill, my self-run business on shaky ground, me a biopsy and a daughter 15 acting like 30yr., to stop and pay attention. I am crazy about my ex but my focus on his contact with me was very distracting and somewhat self-centered on my part. In the big scheme of things I had to remember heart aches mend.
I really wish I'd come across this site some time ago. It's been almost 6 yrs since my H's most recent PA. I still have really dark moments, and will now use the techniques listed here to *stop* them. I *still* have trust issues though, perhaps that is part of the reason why I am going through what I'm going through now. Not to be a downer....
Okay I have two. I am a swimmer, so when I am feeling down, a vigorous workout helps release the built up tension, and is also very meditiative. A jog alone, or bike ride, will do similar things. Having the water negate any outside sounds, and being weightless, helps I think.
As gross as it sounds (I am in construction) I am a visual person, so I think of a portable toilet on a construction site. When I have a negative thought, I immediately imagine lifting the lid, and placing the thoughts in there, closing the lid back down. The more negative thoughts I have the more FULL the portable toilet. If I want to revisit those thoughts, I give myself permission to go back to the porta potty and lift the lid and dig around in there and look for them. It's going to be messy, smelly, gross, disgusting, I think to myself. I'd have to want that negative feeling very badly to go back and get it. I think when things were really bad, I had a whole giant untreated septic tank full of negative thoughts and emotions. I imagined going down a dark hatch to get those thoughts again. I climbed out in my mind and did not go back down there again.
I tried traditional thought stopping "Stop Stop Stop" etc, with only marginal success in the past.
Hope it helps some of you
IS 49 W 47 S 21 D 19 S 16 M 24y Together 31y EA Mar04-May 06 PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07 Bomb Dec 28 07
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. T. S. Eliot
I remember wondering if I'd ever be able to fall asleep again. Instead of picking up a novel, I cuddled into Divorce Remedy and woke up cuddling it.
When it gets too much, I let myself feel the emotion, that queasy grainy gritty sensation or at times a free fall of overwhelming sorrow. I know I have to feel it but can choose not to let it be the deciding factor in my life. Heck, this is one reason why I'm here. I kept wallowing in a cesspool of my own making!
Instead of holding the anxiety of upsetting sensations I release it with energy, where ever the little voice in my head directs me.. walking the dog in the middle of the night, decluttering and cleaning one small area of the house at time. I've noticed the more I embrace this approach, the more positive rewards it brings.
Now instead of just working to get through it, I find myself singing. "Here comes Santa Claus" seems to be a favorite, "The Prayer to St. Francis" is soothing. I don't know all the words but find that substituting lalala's doesn't change the positive flow.
I am an excellent problem solver and generally hound a problm day and night till it gives up and a solution appears.
Problem is with my wife leaving there is no solution i can do anything about. I think about W children and sitch every waking hour and she dropped bomb 5 months ago.
I'm going mad - i can't work - focus - remenber what happened yesterday e.t.c. I am seldom conscious in the present since my mind is focussing on this problem where there is no rapid solution.
I get four hours sleep and then i begin - re hashing all the ifno i have going round and round.
Good to read this thread and i;ll try straight away to see what works,
i have also - taken dogs for a walk on quiet country road where i can cry and sob with no one around - gone down in remote part of the house (the basement, a far away room) where i can sob and cry if i need to (unfortunately once i thought i was far enough away for H not to hear but he did hear me and came down to see what was going on) - when i have negative thoughts, say to myself 'DON'T THINK DON'T THINK DON'T THINK DON'T THINK' and try to switch to something else in my brain - i found a good effective herbal 'sleepytime' tea and i drink one every evening to ensure that i get some sleep - i have also found that exercise can help me sleep better too - jogging/swimming/riding etc - and i also found very therapeutic to scream insults towards OW when i drive by her house (she lives very close by) - and finally i have started 'journaling' again - recording my thoughts (brain dump style) onto paper to get them out of my head. Hope that some of this helps.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I thought I was the only one that noticed all the dam romantic songs Ger. I also noticed that I cant stand to listen to the ones that make me cry anymore, I actually started turning the station when a sad song comes on. My STBXW even told me about a Toby Keith song that reminded her of us. "She never cried in front of me", BooHoo. I just want this pain to stop and be over with already.
Me 42 H 36 S 6 D 4 MO 9/11/08 D filed 9/18/08 OM confirmed 10/24/08
I'm right there with you everhope. I seem to get stuck thinking about us never being a family again and it just kills me. Thats when things just seem to spiral out of control when I get stuck in those thoughts. When I got down last night and got online and started reading forums and that really seemed to help some. Doesnt take the nagging pain and Hole in my soul.
Me 42 H 36 S 6 D 4 MO 9/11/08 D filed 9/18/08 OM confirmed 10/24/08
i have also - taken dogs for a walk on quiet country road where i can cry and sob with no one around
I certainly don't want to make light of anything here, but I have to say that my dog didn't even like being around me when I sobbed and cried. She was with me through thick and thin during H's first A. She would run and hide when I'd start to cry. I'd catch her peeking around the corner at me and then come up to me and try to lick me when I stopped. Like she wanted to say.....I'm here for you, just don't make that horrible noise anymore.
*When I get sad I make myself go get a hug from my D4. I ask her for the biggest, tightest hug she can give me. It takes the pain away for a while. The other night she caught me crying. She patted my back and said....it's okay mama, just settle down. The exact words I use on her.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
These are great suggestions. I called my the OW using my H phone. When she answered she was very happy and over enthusiastic because she though he was calling. It just broke my heart. I wanted to reach through the phone and just grab her so. This stop sign technique will help me to stop thinking about that moment.
GREAT!!! I just used it. Stop!!! Ha Ha! Love it. Need it, will use it.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
I am an excellent problem solver and generally hound a problm day and night till it gives up and a solution appears.
Problem is with my wife leaving there is no solution i can do anything about. I think about W children and sitch every waking hour and she dropped bomb 5 months ago.
I'm going mad - i can't work - focus - remenber what happened yesterday e.t.c. I am seldom conscious in the present since my mind is focussing on this problem where there is no rapid solution.
I get four hours sleep and then i begin - re hashing all the ifno i have going round and round.
Good to read this thread and i;ll try straight away to see what works,
I'm right there with you everhope. I seem to get stuck thinking about us never being a family again and it just kills me. Thats when things just seem to spiral out of control when I get stuck in those thoughts. When I got down last night and got online and started reading forums and that really seemed to help some. Doesnt take the nagging pain and Hole in my soul.
!
