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Ali,

See my thread in piecing starting with yesteredays post about what can happen if they don't sort it out before the reconcillationn.. you need to listen with your ears not your heart ... you have waited so long for this.... now it's here....


M:47
M:18
D16, S19
1st S 1/08-5/08
Reconciled/May 7, 2008
Left again Nov 9, 2009
I Filed: Nov 17, 2009
Final: April 14, 2010
EX walked away from kids too



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Thanks everyone, I am sorry for not replying, I am so busy.. but I REALLY appreciate all your words and I will reread later. Sandy, what post, what do they need to sort out?

Today I had an accident at college. The technician propped alot of 18mm 8'x4' sheets against the rack (not in it) .. I was bending forwards on the floor working and they all fell on my back and knocked me over. It was very shocking and painful as they weighed alot so they had to call an ambulance. I was shaking for an hour and I am still in pain, but nothing broken. It upset me, I wanted to call my ex and get some love and comfort, but of course I couldnt. I didnt feel as though I could. I had paramedics with me for an hour (not my idea, health and safety).. this is the fourth time in recent years people have called ambulances for me and the illness/vunerability thing I am sure was the reason he left. So I dont even know if I will tell him.

He didnt email me today. My projects are not going well (couldnt do any work for 3 hours). I feel a bit low and tearful and alone.

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Oh Ali, I am so sorry you poor thing, I guess you may feel worst tomorrow, get taking the arnica tablets, they are brilliant.
I can sympathise with the wanting the x to comfort you, shortly after my D I had a car accident, nothing major but my first instinct was to call my x.
I am not sure your x left just because of the illness's and if he did well-harumph!

You can't class an acident as illness tho,so stop those silly thoughts, you are just overwhelmed. Your x couldn't have picked a worst time to finish with H and start messing you about.

For your own sanity and well being not to mention your future earning potential that a degree will get you, try try try to just put him on the back burner for now, the less contact the better -it's just 2 tiny weeks Ali.
Your mind is not fully on your work -how could it be but this leaves you vunerable to accidents and mishaps so do take care.
Try some warm baths and soothing music.

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Ali, I felt as though, up to the point H decided to "work on the marriage," I knew exactly what game I was playing (save our marriage and/or learn to love myself), I knew the rules and was becoming a skilled player (thanks, DB!), and I felt energized and alive, because I knew I was living more intensely and with more awareness than I had for the past few years. Finally, after agonizing months the goalposts were in sight ... and bam, welcoming to Piecing ... someone had moved the goalposts, the rules had all changed, the guy that was supposed to be on my team was playing Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde, and I was awash in pain with no sense of what to do next.

So, yes, I know exactly where you are now. In my last post I tried to pre-warn you about this, but I totally understand that it's impossible to believe that your MLCer is going to play the script out to the end. I also read the information, and thought mine would be home sooner, over with the OW faster, back to his old self less painfully, etc. Nope!

If it's any consolation, I think they have to take all the steps they do in order to come back to us. So, in a twisted way, you don't want him to skip the stage he's in, horrible though it is to be in (for you). Remember, he's just got to the point where he's finally stopped running away (from his father's death, from self-loathing thoughts about whatever his mother has done to him, from his fear of death/aging/never having a hot young girlfriend again). However, he hasn't dealt with any of it yet. And he's still not thinking like a mature grown-up man: he's still the victimized, entitled teenager much of the time. That's why he still needs the alcohol: to cope with the pain he's in.

Of course, you want to take away his pain--but unfortunately, he needs to feel it. He needs to come to terms with his past and accept himself, he needs to mourn that Helen is no longer filling some need he had (because she wasn't NOTHING to him--she was an idealization), and he needs to deal with all the guilt he's going to feel about what he did to you. He needs, really, to grow up, and that's the most painful thing a person can do -- but nobody can do it for him.

When my H came back, he was cycling like crazy, from extremely loving to miserable and withdrawn. And that went on for months. I used to have to escape into the laundryroom/garden regularly, so I'd advise that you don't move in together until he's a lot more stable. He needs space to process things alone. For me, the most helpful concept during this time was David Snarch's description of holding onto oneself--of not allowing myself to be affected too much by his changing state of mind.

After about 9 months, my H had shaken off the worst of his depression, and after 18 months, "we" were in a really good place. But it took H that long to work through all his issues. He has even learned to talk about the things instead of shutting down or stuffing his feelings!! It was only after about a year that he talked to me about a lot of his MLC, and it was impressive how he'd really worked through so much of his baggage, and come to a mature understanding of it. There were times, before that, when I tried to have relationship talks with him, and DIDN'T hear what I wanted to--so try not to push things too fast.

My suggestion for right now is ... don't torture yourself with thoughts that he's free to choose someone else, or needs to commit to you quickly, or that you might push him away, etc. Think of him as a guy who has been totally mangled in a horrible accident. The doctors have finally taken him off life-support because he can breathe on his own. But now he's got to assess all the damage that's been done, he's got to learn to cope with the pain, he's got to figure out how to walk & eat again, and must focus on getting well so he can lead a normal life again. Would you dash into his hospital room and insist that getting your relationship back on track needs to be his first priority ... or would you go about your life, giving him as much support as he needed (yet letting him determine the pace of his recovery) while being delighted for him that he's been given a second chance at living?

I love the descriptions of your art projects--keep up the wonderful work!

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Oh Ali, I am sorry to hear about the accident. I know you are under a lot of pressure right now. Can one of your friends come and help with your vision since you are hurt? I would be right over if I lived there. Get some rest, I am sure you will be sore tomorrow. Lots of hugs.

kat


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Jeff.. I think you are absolutely right, except.. I believe he is done with Helen. He really does have integrity and he wouldnt have moved back toward me if he had feelings for her, or they were in much contact still (I doubt it)? Hopefully she will move on quick with a new man! And yes, slower = better results !!

Simon - where have you been!? I am luckily, as busy as a man with 6 heads and he loves to hear about my art (was also SUPER supportive and thinks I am the best in the class!!), so I appear to be cool and getting on with my life, when in reality, I miss him dreadfully and want to shower him with kisses!

Kat.. I didnt sleep with anyone until I fell in love (with the Piscean!) at 19, so I have strong morals too! Just not to do with M, but that was my upbringing. I think I will stay over Saturday night I have decided, it will be lovely to have another snuggle Sunday morning, but I am NOT ML to him yet, no way. He also said he was scared and wanted it to be special (phew!). THanks for offering to come look after me, yes, it does hurt !!

Naej, the accident really wasnt my fault, the technician shouldnt have left the wood there and it would have been much worse if I hadnt lent forwards just as it fell.. it would've landed on my head otherwise !!

Hey ITH...Wow, you still dealing with the hot/cold after 6 months !? Blimey! Thanks for saying this is normal ! I agree you cant just have no expectations, but its good to not take it personally. I think you are right, I wont take all of Jody's advice and avoid an R talk at this time! Let him start it if he feels he wants one.

Hey Lisa.. ahh I thought of you when I said that, so thankyou!! Yes, is that the 'Princess Diana' technique!?? Look up under lashes, smile provocatively then look away again !?

Cyrena.. thank you SO much, once again. Your posts are a beacon of clarity in a confusing world. I like the reassurance you give me (like ITH) that this is 'normal'. THat is also a good point that he NEEDS to go through all of these stages. Yes, he didnt leave me becuase I got ill alot, he left me for all the reasons you stated and those made him unable to cope with my illness/vunerability. He was v depressed. You made me snap out of thinking he might go again, or meet someone new.. in fact, it took alot to come back to me, so he must have REALLY thought about it. We just have a long road ahead of us, as you say. Please stick with me on this journey !!

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So.. I was in the workshop till 8 (posted pics of my sculptures I am making on FB!) and although I knew he would call me, I went to the shops, got in even later and he'd left a message, sounding sweet, asking me to call. So.. I didnt! I rang my Mum instead, then made food and ate and waited and...lo and behold, he called again!!! My god. We had a lovely chat, seriously. After ages (1/2 hour?) I told him about the accident in a jokey, OMG way.. and he was VERY concerned. I played it down and didnt mention the ambulance but said, yes, I am very sore, but I am fine. He was worried and told me to go have a bath (actually I am in pain!!)

Then.. he asked if he could do anything to help and offered to go fetch my paper for me from the supplier (near to his work)! Thats a massive help as I am so busy and I didnt ask, he offered. YAY!

He is up and down and I am trying not to be up and down in response to him, as you all tell me not to be, but I am chuffed! he was very sweet and 'with' me in that call. I was chatty and upbeat too...

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(((((Ali)))))

I think he is done with Helen. I just don't think he is ready to move on to anything else. He thinks he should be, but he has to resolve things inside himself first.

I hope you are feeling better! Sounds like a less than ideal way to spend the day.... unless you fancied the paramedics!

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No.. he wasnt very dishy, but very sweet! God my back hurts though. They got me to fill in an accident form, I have half a mind to sue them!! I agree Jeff, he is done with Helen, but still needs processing time.

Wow, but to leave me a message to call him, but then to try me again, he must have REALLY wanted to talk to me. You've all been following my thread, what a turnaround hey? Who'd have thought it, when I was bleakly posting that I just wanted to see him to say goodbye, after not seeing him for a few months.

I really do think the wider circle of joint friends have played a crucial role in this reconciliation.

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Ali,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your back, love. Ouch! If they are at fault, maybe you could at least get your tuition paid or something...

As for BF, you said:
I
Quote:
am sick of DBing, why cant I just be honest with him?

...and his recent reaction, as well as what you've reported from Jody, tell it all.

First of all, you aren't being dishonest, but you are just not pursuing him. If you go after him, he runs. So, unfortunately, you have to be mysterious and not always ready to go when he's ready for you.

It seems like a game and I guess it is in a sense, but he's not ready to have a relationship (already said several times), so you have to continue to do your thing w/out worrying about him.

You also said you were surprised that he left a message and then rang you later. Well, I'm not. I hope you can see why this happened.

You didn't pick up. He couldn't reach you. He didn't know what you were doing and he was curious. Your inactivity led him to think constantly about you. He became so consumed w/talking w/you that he couldn't wait and called you again.

You are triggering "attraction" in him. This is very important. He'll be attracted to the independent you and the mysterious, wonderful woman you are. Don't rush, but be patient.

Hang back and let HIM wriggle around a bit like you've been doing over the past year or so. It is his turn to wonder, want, and miss you.

If you were to "be honest w/him" he'd run and you'd be back to square one again. That is the OLD Ali and the old Ali doesn't live here any more.

Continue to do what you are doing, but now is not the time to let him know how much you miss him. That will come later and even when it does happen that you two reconnect, you'll still need to keep some of that mystery alive, so keep practicing it now, my dear. \:\)

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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