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BND - Yes, I do want to save my M and that is why I am on here.

I certainly don't want to be one of those that ends up bitter and miserable.


Me47
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"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
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So what is it about your Marriage that you want to save?

This is not a contest between you and the OW, because your Husband is definately not the prize.

Be honest Addie.......

What exactly do you want out of this relationship and exactly how much work are you willing to invest into it.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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Hi Addie,

I just wanted to say "hi" & see how you are doing?

((((HUGS))))

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Hi nlt- thanks for dropping by.

BND - Your question is not as easy as it may seem. I need my H to be loving, honest, trustworthy, a friend, a lover, etc. This is the man I believed him to be just prior to our S. I felt very secure in his love for me. We were getting along better than we had ever gotten along in our M and, in a matter of a few weeks, everything fell apart. I don't know whether I can even trust my judgement because everything I believed to be true in our M was not. My H has asked me to help him get through this. I've also told him that I need his help to reestablish trust in our M and eventually forgiveness.

H called a few days ago and repeated all of the things he has said to me before about how sorry he is for hurting me and how unworthy he is of me (this he repeated several times during our conversation). He told me that he loves me and that he always will and he feels unworthy of such a great son. He asks himself what man in his right mind would leave a million dollar family like ours and he realizes he has some demons to wrestle with (all his exact words).

Then he tells me he has to go away for a few days to do some soul searching and that he won't be contacting me during this time. I didn't ask where he was going. I haven't heard from him since Wed. I have no idea where he is. He did say that he would like to come out here in a couple of weeks.


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He didn't leave you his contact info in case of an emergency? Where do you think he went?

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No, he didn't leave me any contact info. H went down south snorkelling for 4 days. I had no idea where he was (granted, I didn't ask before he left). He said he just needed to get away, to recharge his batteries and think. He says he went alone and I do believe him.

And now for the ENCOURAGING NEWS:

As many of you are aware, for the last 11 months H and I have been living 2500 miles apart. He is driving back here next week and wants us to try working on our M. When I asked him if he would be willing to go to MC, he agreed without hesitation and firmly believes that we need the help of a counsellor to get things on the right track. In the meantime, he's applied to a couple of positions out here but there hasn't been much out there that interests him. This scares me but I have to have faith that he'll find something.

H continues to call every day. He's been doing some reading about M, R and has become much more introspective. On different occasions he has said that:

-he will always love me
-I didn't deserve any of what's happened over the last 1.5 years
-I'm far superior to the person that he left me for
-the A should never have happened
-he realizes the love I've given him is "mature love"
-nobody will ever love/support him the way I have
-he's amazed at my capacity for forgiveness
-he realizes that working on our M will be difficult work but he's prepared for the hard work

I also know it will be very hard work.


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I think his wanting to be alone for a few days is very normal..and if I was in his shoes, I would have wanted to do the same thing, with no one contacting me. That said, I wish he would have left you someway of contacting him in case of an emergency. But most MLCers don't think to well 'reality' wise. And most take quite awhile before they can think of others as much as they think of themselves.

His mind must be in such turmoil, even though he knows he wants to reconcile. Think what must be going through his mind and his soul right now!! The guilt, the same, the sadness, the loss he must feel...and the responsibility of being the person that brought so much of the same feeling to his spouse and family.

He's got a lot of healing to do on himself..not just your relationship.

Slow and easy Addie. Give him time to get over himself and the consequences he's finally starting to realize.

My prayers are with you, and I'm very happy that he's seeing the light.


Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
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Thank you for the prayers, Creed. They are certainly needed as we have a long road ahead of us.

H does feel much guilt and shame. Over the last year he has said numerous times he is not worthy of me or even S12 and he doesn't understand why he did these things. IC would help him sort through the issues but for now I am grateful he wants to go to MC. The obstacle will be finding a good pro-marriage MC.


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Wow! He's actually beginning to do the right things, as opposed to just saying them. Very encouraging development!

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I am happy for you Addie. Keep shining. H will have much to work on. Actually both of you do.

I didn't read this entire thread, but I wonder - have you been able to forgive? I ask because he will have a very hard time forgiving himself if you can't.

Hugs to you.

Last edited by The Wifey; 05/18/09 06:02 PM.

Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

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