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With step number 5, we take some of the ideas and goals from the previous steps, and begin to take action!!

There really is no "one-size-fits-all" method that will work to help you take your relationship to the place you want to be. Just as every person and every couple is different, so will it be with the solutions to overcome your hurdles.

Because you will be finding the answers to your problems on a trial and error basis, it's very important for you to keep track of what you've done, and how well it's worked for you. This is where keeping a "solution journal" will be invaluable to you. A way for you to keep track of "what works", and "what doesn't work".

In your journals, try to describe what the exact situation was, what "actions" you took, your partner's immediate reactions, and their reactions in the days that follow.

The exact format you use to do this isn't as important as the fact that you ARE keeping a tab on what you're doing, and are beginning to develop some sort of systematic approach with your efforts. To really see what things you try that are succedding, even if the results aren't just exactly as you had planned!

Does anyone have any examples of what they might want to log into a solution-journal?

Hint - It really pays for you to go back through some of your previous posts and threads, and pick out some instances of things you've tried, and the results. Keep these in one place somewhere, where you can have easy access to them. Sometimes, some of our solutions are there, they are just buried deep within some of our other postings.


JJ

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Up!!


JJ

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Hiya JJ,

Well, one of my two major goals was achieved. My husband and I were intimate for the first time in over a year...since before we separated.

He had said it was no longer appropriate for us to make love, once he'd told me he wanted to separate.

So...it's appropriate once again!

I had gotten to the point where I just assumed we weren't going to be intimate. I almost didn't shave my legs!

So the action plan of stop pressuring him, really worked.

Thanks for your help, JJ!

Hugs.





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Heya PnT! This is great news!!

I'm so glad that you now have good reasons to keep shaving your legs!!

Keep up the great DB'ing, my friend!! It sounds like your efforts are paying off!!!


JJ

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Giggle.

Thanks JJ.

Is this the last step?

Hugs.


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Quote:

Is this the last step?



Not even close, my dear!!

In this step, Michele also introduces us to her "Cookbook Of Marriage Saving Strategies". These "recipes" can be used anywhere inside, OR even outside of the house, and not just the kitchen! (Although they WILL help you to get things cookin'! )

These are.....

Choose your battles wisely.

Strike when the iron is cold.

Cheerleading.

Focus on the problem free times.


Which of these recipes have you been able to use to make a difference in your relationship?

Which ones are you most "guilty" of not following?

What parts of any of the examples Michele writes about struck a chord with you? Things that you either already knew, that you knew but didn't practice, or may have opened up some new thoughts for you?

P.S. Like any other recipe that you have, it might not hurt to write these down on an index card, to remind you of the ingredients! You can even carry it with you, and when a situation comes up where you find yourself "reacting" to something, refer back to your cookbook!


JJ

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Up!!!


JJ

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DBing actions:

I don't contact H at all. I don't bring up anything to do with the R when he comes around. I bite my tongue so much it's a wonder I still have one.

Results:

H initiates contact. We are still intimate on occasion. He kisses me. He doesn't bring up the big D.

It's still early so I am trying to detach and moniter his reactions.


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Quote:

DBing actions:

I don't contact H at all. I don't bring up anything to do with the R when he comes around. I bite my tongue so much it's a wonder I still have one.

Results:

H initiates contact. We are still intimate on occasion. He kisses me. He doesn't bring up the big D.




It's kinda funny how sometimes, some of our most powerful actions can be taking no action at all!

From the sounds of this, it sorta looks like your not trying to "fix things", to not try to push things forward, is actually creating some positive movement on his part.

Even though this really might not make a lot of sense, it seems to be working, so what the heck! Might as well go with it, right?!


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Choose your battles wisely.

Keeping in mind that around 60 percent of what couples argue about might never be resolved, which battles are you choosing to fight? Which ones are brought up over and over, without ever getting any resolution?

In the overall scheme of things, how important are some of these things worth fighting about? Are they just annoying and irritating to you, or are they things that you simply can't live without?

Are these things urgent enough that you have to have them resolved "right now", or might "tabling" the issue for awhile bring you better results?

Out of some of the things that you simply can't let go of, what small "victories" could happen that might help you to feel that, even though you aren't completely satisfied with the outcome, you have made some progress? What are some of the signs that things might just be going in the right direction for you?


JJ

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Strike when the iron is cold.

What are some of the "unproductive" things that you do in the heat of passion?

What are some of the things you might do as a "reaction" to a situation, instead of taking a moment and "acting upon" a situation?

What "reactions" might you be taking in the heat of the moment that might be pushing your partner farther away from you?

What hurtful things might you be doing and saying, maybe just because you're wrapped up in the emotions of the moment?

What works best for you to help you cool down a bit? What kinds of "time-outs" work best for you to help you stop reacting to things until you have a chance to cool down a bit, until you're less emotional about the situation?


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Cheerleading.

Quote:

Do you think that your spouse perceives you to be complimentary or critical?




What things have you said and done that may have seemed to your partner that you are more often inclined to point out to them the things that you don't like about what they're doing?

What are some of the things you may have said or done that might make them feel that, no matter what they do or say, it's not good enough?

Do you ever take a "time-out" to point out some of the things that you DO like about what they've done in the past, or have been doing lately?

When are the times that you have received a positive response from reinforcing behaviours that bring you closer to what you want from your relationship?

When was the last time you paid a compliment to your spouse?


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Focus on the problem free times.

When were the times in the past when everything seemed to be "clicking" in your relationship, when things were more loving, and you felt more compatible with your partner?

How did you make that happen? What were you doing different during those times?

What things do you know might work that you are NOT doing now, just because you feel you shouldn't "have to", that it's unfair, or unreasonable, to expect you to do these things?

When are the "exceptions" to the times you're having problems? When do things actually go well in your relationship?


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~~~~~~~~


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I'm ready to experiment and monitor results. I'm going to plan an acting "As if" situation and I'd really appreciate some feedback if you feel inclined.

My H is returning home in about a week and I will see him for the first time in a month at a school function. I would like to act "as if" I was confident that he would be happy to see me.

"How was I going to approach this situation given my pessimism?"

Because we're separated and H said he's not interested in reconciliation, I was expected him to act distant when we see each other at the function. I was going to smile, be pleasant but distant and act like I wasn't really happy or unhappy that he was back.

"How would I like the situation to turn out instead?"

I would like him to look at me with pleasure and to realize that I am genuinely happy to see him.

"How would I handle this situation differently if I were expecting good things to happen?"

Here's where I'm uncertain -- I feel that acting "as if" I expected him to be happy to see me might be unrealistic given our situation. I can't be exhuberant or hug him. But I could be quietly nice to him and smile at him without acting distant.

Do you think I'm on the right track with this? Feedback from anyone appreciated.

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You are thinking like a solution detective......good job.

Be bolder, be confident.

Assume he's going to be glad to see you.......let go of the thought that that might be unrealistic.

Now........Knowing he's glad to see you.....would you rush and give him a hug........perhaps you would or perhaps you'd give him a big smile and wait as he came over to you.....the key is in your past.....WHEN things were going well.........


When he was crazy in love with you....what were you saying, what were you doing?

What works here.....just do it....no reason why it can't work again.


Really, there is no need for you to doubt......repeatedly doing the things that work.....you have just as much right to expect love to grow as all the rest of our success stories

You go girl!


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SG, thanks for your response. I will be bolder!
My plan to act "as if" he will be glad to see me.
When he arrives at the meeting, I will smile broadly and wave him over. I will speak to him with warmth. I will look into his eyes, but not too long. I will be friendly throughout our time together. If he seems to want to spend some time with me, I will invite him for coffee back at the house. If he appears receptive I will hug him.

Thanks for your input!

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"Act As If"

In what instances might your predictions of dire outcomes in a situation be broadcasting your expectations to your partner?

What things are you doing that might be helping these predictions to come true?

How might expecting some positive results, "acting as if" things were going to turn out good, change the outcome of things for you? How would you handle the situation differently?

How do you usually greet your partner at the front door when it was a bad day for either or both of you, and you are "sure" the rest of the evening was going to be bad too? What would you different if you "knew", if you acted as if, the evening was going to be great?

What other examples can you give us in your personal situations where "acting as if" might help change the course of events for you? Situations maybe like getting ready for trips, raising the kids, talking about money, arriving home from work late, visiting in-laws, etc., etc.


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I grew up in a combative household where the words flew freely. When I left home, I figured out that I wouldn't have any friends if I approached confrontation that way! So I opted to walk away and institute a cooling off period.

This cooling off is interpreted as abandonment by Mr. Wonderful. In the early days of our M (we have technically been married for 13 years, but lived together a year before that), Mr. W. would pursue me until I yelled awful things at him. Then he learned to leave me alone but got mad at me for needing space.

My 180 (a new development): to return to the scene of the crime and keep my mouth shut. Even though Mr. W. knows I'm mad, he seems happier that I'm at least in his physical space when I'm angry.

And then he's more inclined to treat me nicely and offer to spend time with me!

Goal for this next week: To catch him doing something good or saying something hopeful and then affirm him. Or remark on how I've noticed that he's changed for the better. See if he affirms back or if it takes a few days for him to feel good enough to include me in some plans.

I cheated... Laurie helped me with this one earlier this morning! But it's good practice--somehow when I type things, I internalize them!

UD


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Ok, well Im trying to think of doian an "Act as if" with my GF for Xmas eve. I havent shown any sign of affection really. I was thinking of starting to hug her when I see her from now on so I was thinking of hugging her with a kiss on the cheek when we meet at her house on x-mas eve and when i leave. What do you think? we get along as freinds now, but i want her to try to be open up to affection again but also dont wanna come off pushy.


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Quote:

I was thinking of starting to hug her when I see her from now on so I was thinking of hugging her with a kiss on the cheek when we meet at her house on x-mas eve and when i leave. What do you think?




This sure might be worth a try, especially if you haven't done this lately!

DO keep it as just a "friend" hug and peck on the cheek for now, and don't linger on it. Just kind of a hit-and-run thing. Don't expect anything too big to come of it right now, but look at it as just a small step.

If the results aren't "good", then you know not to do it again, at least for awhile anyway.

You never know until you try, right?!

Good luck!!


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Ok, well I gave her a hug when I left on X-mas Eve. I kissed her on the cheek and hugged her and she patted my back then held tighter, but it was brief. I left and I kind of looked back towards her and she watched me go to my car.

I know Im not supposed to have R talk and I am afraid of it too because I dont want to remind her of her doubtful feelings now, but I feel like we arent communicating very well. click here for example

Read my last post about the movies. She is the stubborn type and doesnt express her feelings too often. Also, I know with her friends, she was never the type to make plans, she would always wait for others to make plans and make a move so Im afraid that not asking her to do anything is hurting me.

Also, when we first dated 7 years ago in our senior year of HS, early on she thought I was calling her too much to make plans but my persistince paid off because she began to fall in love with my personality after being exposed to me more. Im so torn as to give her more space, persue more or try to find a place in the middle.

Im not sure if I should just try to keep a friendship attitude towards her or try to act like we are fisrt dating again and take her out but not come into the house. Just drop her off and work up slowly from that. Im so lost.


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