Step Number 5 - Experiment and Monitor Results

[Jamesjohn]

Strike when the iron is cold.

What are some of the "unproductive" things that you do in the heat of passion?

What are some of the things you might do as a "reaction" to a situation, instead of taking a moment and "acting upon" a situation?

What "reactions" might you be taking in the heat of the moment that might be pushing your partner farther away from you?

What hurtful things might you be doing and saying, maybe just because you're wrapped up in the emotions of the moment?

What works best for you to help you cool down a bit? What kinds of "time-outs" work best for you to help you stop reacting to things until you have a chance to cool down a bit, until you're less emotional about the situation?

[Jamesjohn]

Cheerleading.

Do you think that your spouse perceives you to be complimentary or critical?

What things have you said and done that may have seemed to your partner that you are more often inclined to point out to them the things that you don't like about what they're doing?

What are some of the things you may have said or done that might make them feel that, no matter what they do or say, it's not good enough?

Do you ever take a "time-out" to point out some of the things that you DO like about what they've done in the past, or have been doing lately?

When are the times that you have received a positive response from reinforcing behaviours that bring you closer to what you want from your relationship?

When was the last time you paid a compliment to your spouse?

[Jamesjohn]

Focus on the problem free times.

When were the times in the past when everything seemed to be "clicking" in your relationship, when things were more loving, and you felt more compatible with your partner?

How did you make that happen? What were you doing different during those times?

What things do you know might work that you are NOT doing now, just because you feel you shouldn't "have to", that it's unfair, or unreasonable, to expect you to do these things?

When are the "exceptions" to the times you're having problems? When do things actually go well in your relationship?

[Jamesjohn]

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[frisky]

I'm ready to experiment and monitor results. I'm going to plan an acting "As if" situation and I'd really appreciate some feedback if you feel inclined.

My H is returning home in about a week and I will see him for the first time in a month at a school function. I would like to act "as if" I was confident that he would be happy to see me.

"How was I going to approach this situation given my pessimism?"

Because we're separated and H said he's not interested in reconciliation, I was expected him to act distant when we see each other at the function. I was going to smile, be pleasant but distant and act like I wasn't really happy or unhappy that he was back.

"How would I like the situation to turn out instead?"

I would like him to look at me with pleasure and to realize that I am genuinely happy to see him.

"How would I handle this situation differently if I were expecting good things to happen?"

Here's where I'm uncertain -- I feel that acting "as if" I expected him to be happy to see me might be unrealistic given our situation. I can't be exhuberant or hug him. But I could be quietly nice to him and smile at him without acting distant.

Do you think I'm on the right track with this? Feedback from anyone appreciated.

[sgctxok]

You are thinking like a solution detective......good job.

Be bolder, be confident.

Assume he's going to be glad to see you.......let go of the thought that that might be unrealistic.

Now........Knowing he's glad to see you.....would you rush and give him a hug........perhaps you would or perhaps you'd give him a big smile and wait as he came over to you.....the key is in your past.....WHEN things were going well.........


When he was crazy in love with you....what were you saying, what were you doing?

What works here.....just do it....no reason why it can't work again.


Really, there is no need for you to doubt......repeatedly doing the things that work.....you have just as much right to expect love to grow as all the rest of our success stories

You go girl!

[frisky]

SG, thanks for your response. I will be bolder!
My plan to act "as if" he will be glad to see me.
When he arrives at the meeting, I will smile broadly and wave him over. I will speak to him with warmth. I will look into his eyes, but not too long. I will be friendly throughout our time together. If he seems to want to spend some time with me, I will invite him for coffee back at the house. If he appears receptive I will hug him.

Thanks for your input!

[Jamesjohn]

"Act As If"

In what instances might your predictions of dire outcomes in a situation be broadcasting your expectations to your partner?

What things are you doing that might be helping these predictions to come true?

How might expecting some positive results, "acting as if" things were going to turn out good, change the outcome of things for you? How would you handle the situation differently?

How do you usually greet your partner at the front door when it was a bad day for either or both of you, and you are "sure" the rest of the evening was going to be bad too? What would you different if you "knew", if you acted as if, the evening was going to be great?

What other examples can you give us in your personal situations where "acting as if" might help change the course of events for you? Situations maybe like getting ready for trips, raising the kids, talking about money, arriving home from work late, visiting in-laws, etc., etc.

[Jamesjohn]

bump

[Underdog]

I grew up in a combative household where the words flew freely. When I left home, I figured out that I wouldn't have any friends if I approached confrontation that way! So I opted to walk away and institute a cooling off period.

This cooling off is interpreted as abandonment by Mr. Wonderful. In the early days of our M (we have technically been married for 13 years, but lived together a year before that), Mr. W. would pursue me until I yelled awful things at him. Then he learned to leave me alone but got mad at me for needing space.

My 180 (a new development): to return to the scene of the crime and keep my mouth shut. Even though Mr. W. knows I'm mad, he seems happier that I'm at least in his physical space when I'm angry.

And then he's more inclined to treat me nicely and offer to spend time with me!

Goal for this next week: To catch him doing something good or saying something hopeful and then affirm him. Or remark on how I've noticed that he's changed for the better. See if he affirms back or if it takes a few days for him to feel good enough to include me in some plans.

I cheated... Laurie helped me with this one earlier this morning! But it's good practice--somehow when I type things, I internalize them!

UD