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So,
Now that we know that everything is your Husband's fault and you have done everything right what goals do you have have to make some changes in your life.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but your attitude sucks and you come across as so controlling and ever so negative.

I too had my Husband move 3000 miles away and start a new life for himself. he was gone for 2 and a half years. He saw the kids for a total of 12 days during that time.

It is still possible to restore a Marriage and piece long distance.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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Hmm, I may have missed something but I think addie you did make changes and you are not complaining about your life (apart about your H and not even complain anymore). You moved right? You made all changes necessary to get to a stable and good environment for you and your kid? Dont I remember correct?

I dont think you sound controlling, you do sound in control of your life and only your life which I think is great and the right thing to do.

I am glad you H was caring and loving. When you said you set the boundaries while he was there, were those about the future plans or about your daily contacts during his visit?
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Thanks Kalni! And Brandnewday, you are certainly entitled to your POV.

I've made many changes in my life and I have set boundaries and this is where it may appear that I am being controlling. I've come to the realization that there are certain things that I need in the M: love, honesty, trust, a sense of security (which I've rarely had in the M) to name a few.

I've taken many steps to regain control of my own life and I do realize I can't control H. I also realize that I can't live with a man who continues to be dishonest. H has continued to pursue OW and remains in contact with her which he has lied about. Is it too much to ask for to expect your H to have no contact with OW? H is still very unsettled about exactly what he wants in life and how he will achieve it. I feel I have to protect myself and S12 from his lack of direction in life. I guess all of this may make me "controlling".


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I don't think you understood my question, and yes perhaps it was too blunt.

So I apologize and I will reword it.

Addie, it is wonderful that you have set your boundaries and seem to have so much control over your life.

No you don't have any control over your Husband you are correct.

But what you can do is to be a contrast to the OW in order for him to notice you more.

You said...

Quote:
I've come to the realization that there are certain things that I need in the M: love, honesty, trust, a sense of security (which I've rarely had in the M) to name a few.



What does he need from you that you are not giving him?

If there is nothing for him to come home to and there is no forgiveness then there is no need for him to even bother trying.

If everything he has done is going to be thrown into his face then why should he bother with you when he can have the OW without having to make any changes in his life.

Think hard Addie.....what can you change about yourself to make "HOME" worth the effort???



There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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Originally Posted By: brandnewday
What does he need from you that you are not giving him?

If there is nothing for him to come home to and there is no forgiveness then there is no need for him to even bother trying.

If everything he has done is going to be thrown into his face then why should he bother with you when he can have the OW without having to make any changes in his life.

Think hard Addie.....what can you change about yourself to make "HOME" worth the effort???


Brandnewday,

You have brought up some valid points which I need to consider. I'm having a hard time with forgiveness when he tells me one thing and then turns around and contacts OW. I know that forgiveness should be something I do for myself but I seem to be stuck.


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Honey, the forgiveness is the hardest part.

It does not happen all by itself, it takes time and a willingness to do it.

It is one of those things that you have to choose to do daily.

There is a great book called "How Can I Forgive You" but I don't remember the name of the author.

One of the biggest things I have found from some of my friends here, is that they think that by forgiving their Spouse they are letting them off of the hook so to speak.

Honestly, forgiveness doesn't make you weak, or stupid.

Also, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship with them.


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I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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The book BND mentionned is excellent: How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring.

My two cents: First figure out if you want to forgive and figure out if you think you can forgive. Also consider, what will it take your H to do or say for you to feel you are getting the things you need in a marriage (honesty, trust, .etc)
Then consider, can/will your H do or say what needs to be said/done? H needs to commit/work at this, but it is work on your part too. He may not quite be as ready as he thinks if he still has the OW on his mind/in his life.

BND has made good points on 'becoming the greener pasture', so to speak. Definitely worth considering from H's point of view. Creating a new marriage doesn't just mean your needs must be met, his needs must be met, too.


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Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09
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I am struggling like addie is (and many more here) and maybe I am way off here but I have this issue : how can you forgive someone for something that is still ongoing?

It could be OW, alcohol, gambling, in my case it is being last on his list. How can we forgive something that is happening NOW and still hurts and still causes anger and pain etc etc?

I had come to terms with H leaving, I take my share of the responsibility why everything happened, I am still trying to change because what bothered him about me, let me tell you it bothered me as well. It affected other areas of my life and I am doing my best to change that.

BUT, the same feelings come alive, the same reactions are triggered because the source is still there. And of course after these terrible 2 years, I have improved, so nothing is handled in the same lousy way, but honestly, I find it really hard to forgive him for something that he keeps repeating... It's like rubbing salt on the wound. \:\(
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Thanks BND and Kjensen for the book recommendation. I will look into getting a hold of the book. The author's name sounds familiar. Is it the same author who wrote After The Affair?

Originally Posted By: Kalni
I am struggling like addie is (and many more here) and maybe I am way off here but I have this issue : how can you forgive someone for something that is still ongoing?


This is where I am stuck. I think that I could forgive H if he was now being honest, had ended all contact with OW and was sincerely trying to reestablish trust (even then I don't fool myself into believing that it would be easy). But he does keep repeating his behaviours and like Kalni stated "it's like rubbing salt on the wound" when the pain is still very raw.


Me47
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Yes, it is the same author!

I guess my point here is this....

How much do you love your Spouse?

You obviously want to save your Marriage or else you wouldn't be here.....unless you are posting here as a place to vent.

The damage the WAS does can be pretty intense and painful.

And for some it is very hard to move forward.

Many told me how foolish I was to give my Husband a 2nd chance. I was told that he didn't deserve my forgiveness and that I should move on with my life and let him go.

As I said before, just because you forgive him doesn't mean that you have to stay Married to him.

People who can't forgive end up miserable and bitter, especially after a Divorce. I would hate to see that happen to you.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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