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Kalni,

No it doesn't make you a lair. Not at all.

IF you said "I forgive you," to your husband; got into an fight with him and brought up whatever you forgave him for as ammunition in that fight...then you'd be a liar.

Forgiveness is tough.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Addie,
I'm thinking that forgiveness is a willingness to suspend our judgments about our WAS. It's a willingness to accept their imperfections as humans, and past mistakes.

I'm also thinking that even if we are able to get to a place of forgiveness, it doesn't mean we have to choose to stay M to the WAS. There is a difference between wise compassion and foolish compassion.

Forgiveness is a decision, but it still takes a great deal of effort to attain it. It's not something done in an instant. It's not an epiphany. I think it's better to say that forgiveness is a decision that requires commitment and effort.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

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Jack, Momof2girls, Kalni,
Thanks for your viewpoints on forgiveness. It is definitely something I am struggling with at the moment.

Kalni, I understand exactly what you are saying because I am at the same place you are at. I want my M to work out but am also struggling with my inner battles to forgive and have many moments of doubt. Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Maybe I should first make the decision to forgive, despite what H continues to do, and then work on establishing trust. What I've been doing is trying to establish trust and then look at forgiving him if we reach that point of trust.

Jack, I haven't told H yet that I forgive him so I guess I'm not a liar.


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Concerned Listener,
I was typing when you posted.

Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Forgiveness is a decision, but it still takes a great deal of effort to attain it. It's not something done in an instant. It's not an epiphany. I think it's better to say that forgiveness is a decision that requires commitment and effort.

I really like what you said here. I think I am expecting an epiphany which will never come. I really have to try and think of it as a decision that will take a great deal of effort. Thanks for your viewpoint CL.


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Addie,

When H first came home I felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly...I felt like I had to think every syllable through so I would not say something to bring up the past...

This feeling goes away as does the nagging feeling you have inside about whether or not you did the right thing.

The more I saw my H come back to the man I married, the easier it got. I also went to C for two years and used her to vent my frustrations and feelings.

If I am upset and the past starts creeping up on me, I tell H and we sit and talk together. He understands that this is what I need to do. I try not to ask questions he can't answer and I use it more as a venting time to express my feelings. This has worked for us because my H now understands how I feel and how he can help to continue the growth of our marriage.

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Hi momof2girls,

Thanks for stopping by. Time and time again throughout the past year I read that piecing is really hard - I just never imagined how hard it could be. Throughout the nightmare I thought I could easily forgive H if the time ever came. I wasn't expecting all the doubts and anger to surface. Obviously this will take a lot of hard work and time to heal.


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Hi Addie,

I'm glad I found you!!! Of course I'm no where near the sitch that you are in right now, but something I've been doing has helped me. Now, I don't know how I would do if my ex came back but for now when I think of him, OW, things he did & said I just stop & say "H, I forgive you & bless you". Sometimes I say it a thousand times a day, other days not so much. At first I just said it & it really didn't make me feel any better but later on I would say it & feel some peace within.

I don't know if it will work for you but it's something that I have to do whether my H comes back or not. I think I have to do it for my own peace of mind.

Hang in there!!

Momof2girls, I really enjoy reading your post, you give great advice & like yellowrose, you give us all hope. I hope you will check out my thread sometime, things have been rather strange.(((HUGS)))

Addie, You hang in there, stay strong & PMA! I know that is hard at times, believe me!!

((((HUGS)))

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Hi Nlt,

I like your suggestion and will try it out. I'm glad you are feeling some peace when you utter those words of forgiveness. As others have suggested to me, forgiveness (just like love) is a decision that you make and you have to work hard at it every day, especially in the beginning. For many people it does not just happen and that is what I was expecting.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post with their views on forgiveness. It has helped me put things into perspective.

Momof2girls, do you have a thread? I was looking for your old threads but couldn't find them.


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Hi Everyone,

H is coming for a visit at Easter and staying for a week. It will not be a happy reunion because I'm having a very hard time with forgiveness when I know he is still initiating contact with OW. I'm carrying many resentful feelings about this and about everything that's happened for over a year now and I can't seem to put it past me when it keeps resurfacing. I have told H how I feel. He keeps repeating that I am the only one he wants, that he was a fool, that he doesn't want her, etc., yet he won't end the contact. He says all the right things but his actions show me something different. OW is the one who is not interested in a R with H but I can't help feeling that if she did show interest, H would still be having a PA with her. In any case, he still has some kind of addiction to her.

I've told H that we're just going around in circles and that we will NOT rebuild our M until OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture and until we are living together, going to MC and actively working on reestablishing trust.


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addie,
I dont think he can help it. And honestly I think that the distance between the two of you makes it easier for him to backslide, especially since she is pursuing him.

You must find a way to be in the same town. I know you said it isnt easy but you have to try to find a way. As long as she is closer and you are miles away, even if he doesnt have strong feelings for her (which btw I believe he doenst), he is an easy prey.
I am glad you are able to talk openly with him about your feelings. Use this week to create bonds again between the two of you. The stronger you 2 get, the harder it will become for her to affect him.
xxx
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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