Although you may feel like you've already told your partner a million times what you want, is there a chance you may have been asking in the wrong way?
Is there a possibility that your "requests" may be coming off to your partner as "complaints"?
Are your requests specific enough to where your partner won't have to do any mind-reading or guessing about what it would take to help fulfill your requests?
Are you able to break your requests down into small enough actions that would satisfy you, to lessen the chances of them thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never enough"?
How's your timing? As Michele says, we're all pretty sure about the times to guarantee failure, but when are the times you are more likely to achieve success? The places?
If things have been rocky in your relationship for awhile, might you be asking for too much, too soon? If so, what little signs might you be satisfied with for right now, with hopes that more will come in the not-too-distant future?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I admit...I am so NOT good at this! I always seem to come across as whiny and demanding. I don't have a talent for asking for what I want. At this point, I don't have an opportunity to ask anyway so I'll try to use this time to LEARN.
Quote: quote]Although you may feel like you've already told your partner a million times what you want, is there a chance you may have been asking in the wrong way?
Yes, I'm sure I have not been asking in the right way!
Quote: Is there a possibility that your "requests" may be coming off to your partner as "complaints"?
I'm sure they sound like complaints to him!
Quote: Are your requests specific enough to where your partner won't have to do any mind-reading or guessing about what it would take to help fulfill your requests?
No in reading that chapter, I have not been "to the point" and I'm bad at thinking everyone can read my mind, how did you know?
Quote: Are you able to break your requests down into small enough actions that would satisfy you, to lessen the chances of them thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never enough"?
That is what I'm working on; now I just have to make H see that I'm not complaining.
Quote: If things have been rocky in your relationship for awhile, might you be asking for too much, too soon?
We have been separated for 8 months, it feels like long enough. I did change the way I asked H if he wanted to go golfing and he made a suggestion that we go with another couple, I take that as a yes! Deb
"Although you may feel like you've already told your partner a million times what you want, is there a chance you may have been asking in the wrong way?"
Yes, I kept asking for what I wanted in the same way over and over and never getting it. I am thinking of the big request I made over and over that H come home earlier from work. I don't know why I thought doing more of the same would get different results!
Is there a possibility that your "requests" may be coming off to your partner as "complaints"?
Yes, I know they did. They came off as criticisms, a certain turn off. No wonder he was never willing to meet me even half way.
"Are your requests specific enough to where your partner won't have to do any mind-reading or guessing about what it would take to help fulfill your requests? "
This is really important because I never defined exactly how the situation would look if he fulfilled my request. I needed to imagine what we would be actually doing, very specifically, and how I would create a wonderful situation if he came home from work earlier on a regular basis. Instead, all I did was present a general situation that I hoped would change things.
"Are you able to break your requests down into small enough actions that would satisfy you, to lessen the chances of them thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never enough"?"
Yes, I believe I know how to do that now. That quote seems to come directly from my H's mouth! I can be very specific about what action will make me happy. It may be that I will have a bigger action from H in mind, but if I look at the final goal as a series of steps then I can be pleased even if the final goal is a long way off.
"How's your timing? As Michele says, we're all pretty sure about the times to guarantee failure, but when are the times you are more likely to achieve success? The places?"
I know that making requests when my H is irritated with me is not a good strategy. When we are feeling relaxed and loving toward each other is a time that I would cherish and not want to diminish by making difficult requests. The best time to approach H is when he seems conversational, for example when we have a coffee date we always discuss many things. That would be a good time to make requests.
"If things have been rocky in your relationship for awhile, might you be asking for too much, too soon? If so, what little signs might you be satisfied with for right now, with hopes that more will come in the not-too-distant future? "
I know I have BIG hopes. What I have asked H for is to meet together on a regular basis with the purpose of enjoying each other's company. I asked him to do this and he agreed. That is a tremendous sign of progress for me. If we can have some fun, enjoy each other's company, and if he seems to feel connected to me again in a positive way, that will be a great sign for the future.
"What I have asked H for is to meet together on a regular basis with the purpose of enjoying each other's company."
that seems like something i can ask for and very much should ask for considering my situation. is the time right? that i dont know... she's been gone approx 3 weeks and it was out of the blue... the last time we saw each other was on monday and it wasnt good at all.. just more of the same behavior from me plus i felt like speaking my mind which we all know how wrong that can be.
i have tried text messaging her once this week a and then i called her today and left a message about the costumes she made for my nieces, which was all positive feedback for her.
but i am not sure where to go from here... if i ask and she says no... then what? i feel if i keep giving her space, she will no longer come back... reading all these posts is nice and all, but figuring out whats best for u takes such a toll..
Although you may feel like you've already told your partner a million times what you want, is there a chance you may have been asking in the wrong way?
Obviously I have, I think it comes off as whining or demanding to him.
Is there a possibility that your "requests" may be coming off to your partner as "complaints"?
Many of them probably do, especially when I am so fed up with him that I begin to say the negative things such as you ALWAYS or you NEVER or WHY WON’T YOU JUST _______.
Are your requests specific enough to where your partner won't have to do any mind-reading or guessing about what it would take to help fulfill your requests?
In the past I would do that a lot. I would say I wanted him to do things that showed he cared, and he never would. Only, he was but the things he thought he was doing to show he cared weren’t what I would consider caring. Lately I have been as specific as possible, but not much on the outcome.
Are you able to break your requests down into small enough actions that would satisfy you, to lessen the chances of them thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never enough"?
Something to work on. Any examples?
How's your timing? As Michele says, we're all pretty sure about the times to guarantee failure, but when are the times you are more likely to achieve success? The places?
H will agree to most things, the problem is that the things never get followed through with.
If things have been rocky in your relationship for awhile, might you be asking for too much, too soon? If so, what little signs might you be satisfied with for right now, with hopes that more will come in the not-too-distant future?
I think this is the key, I think I want too much too soon. Things were rocky for a long time but I just didn't see it.
Little things that would help me feel like we’re progressing: -H calling me instead of me calling him -H wanting to spend the night at home with us and not having to be asked -H asking me to do something with him
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I could try email, but I would never know if he read it or not.
Are you too reactive with email, sending every little thought or sending too fast and you regret it?
I’m too reactive with everything, but haven’t really sent a serious email about the situation.
Is talking in person better? What is your body language like?
Body language may be a big key here. I am frustrated, upset and scared to death. I’m sure that comes across to him even when I try to keep an upbeat attitude. I will try to work on that…and it may be better to email for now.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
and then i called her today and left a message about the costumes she made for my nieces, which was all positive feedback for her.