So, I think we are on the verge of entering into 'talks'. My faith in our ability to get anywhere is pretty shaky. The distance between her reality and mine are so vast and I don't know how to bridge it.
The latest version of why she left centers around the issue of 'putting her first' over our daughter.
This means never disagreeing with her in front of our daughter, even if she is only asking for my opinion, with the assumption that I will agree with her, as an example of how she wants me to 'back her up' and 'present a united front' in parenting.
While she has put down her latest requirement, I have a number of things that I want, but would involve addressing her behaviours, past, present and future, vis a vis our family.
And I know we won't get out of the chute really.
She feels she is the injured one in our R, but my wounds have had to be stifled, bc she is so myopic she hasn't wanted to hear my side for a very long time.....which led to some of our present problems.
So, we are standing on the edge of a precipice. I need more wisdom than I have to change the dynamics. Perhaps time to re-read DR.....
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Anyway, W bought a new car this week. If we weren't seperated I would have had some problems with this, but as it turns out, I like the car she bought and she got a deal. On top of that, she is sure she can make the payments, so I am happy for her.
We met a Jason's Deli for dinner as a family and afterwards she wanted to take us for a ride so we went to my house to get tennis shoes for D ( it is unseasonably warm for Dec in NC ).
When she dropped me back off at Jason's to p/u my car, I was giving her a small neck massage. She didn't seem to mind. She said that she got a free carwash at Streetcars if she redeemed it in the next month. I told her she needed a real massage and I would give her one if she redeemed it in the next month. She smiled.
Then, I leaned over and gave her a hug, kissed her on the neck and said the never-to-be-spoken-words (I love you....) and she replied softly 'Thank you....'.
Though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, I'll take it. She was clearly appreciative of my support in her decision, the massage and the hug/kiss combo.
After that I joked and said, ' Now I need to go give # 2 a kiss' referring to our D. in the backseat. This was a reference to her recently spoken fear that she thought I would never put her first in my life.
So it was a nice evening and I hope is a good intro into formally working on reconcilliation...
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I was giving her a small neck massage. She didn't seem to mind. She said that she got a free carwash at Streetcars if she redeemed it in the next month. I told her she needed a real massage and I would give her one if she redeemed it in the next month. She smiled.
Then, I leaned over and gave her a hug, kissed her on the neck and said the never-to-be-spoken-words (I love you....) and she replied softly 'Thank you....'.
Though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, I'll take it. She was clearly appreciative of my support in her decision, the massage and the hug/kiss combo.
After that I joked and said, ' Now I need to go give # 2 a kiss' referring to our D. in the backseat. This was a reference to her recently spoken fear that she thought I would never put her first in my life.
So it was a nice evening and I hope is a good intro into formally working on reconcilliation...
Sounds like you are doing pretty good guy... keep up the positive karma
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, its good to get a reply. I guess these are scary waters and a new phase in this confusing situation. I don't want to rush in too quickly b/c I think that kind of pushed her away before.
I wasn't 100% sure that the kiss, ILY etc were going to be the right thing, but I went with my instinct. I guess there is a time for everything.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I AM NO EXPERT...... I have screwed up so many times. I hae been ready to give up so many times. But... I am still here.. Just when you think everything is going your way SOMETHING comes up..
Sometimes I think you need to just say.. WTF... What do I have to lose?
I know how it feels when ya "need" some kind of response. This board is great but sometimes when ya post and nobody replys (even just a "Hey I hear ya" It feels like we are all by ourselves in the world. I need to read up on your sitch.. Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just when you think everything is going your way SOMETHING comes up..
I hear that. In fact, I expect that. I am trying to proceed cautiously. I am thinking of not attending a surprise birthday dinner for her uncle that she invited me to, in keeping with the idea so often esposused here about not accepting all invitations. As she moves closer, I will move away, ever so slightly.
It is a very tenuous place because I imagine she is waffleing and I have screwed up in the past at this point.
In fact, I want her desire to reconcile to grow because she is going to need motivation to get the information and do the 'work' that is needed to make a good marriage.
Quote:
Sometimes I think you need to just say.. WTF... What do I have to lose?
Yeah, I think that its all about timing and paying close attention to their emotional state. To what she is not saying, if you will....
I feel that in this situation I read it right and gave her just enough of what she wanted, and not too much.
I expect her to go back and forth from fear to desire. I hope that I have begun to address the things that had caused her to fear being in a relationship with me.
This is not to say that any one person is to blame. I can only deal with myself though....
Last edited by native; 12/12/0808:18 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
BTW Doc, I feel I have come a long way in my time on this board. I just didn't want to get to this place and screw up so I appreciate your willingness to post.
I am indebted to the people on this board who have encouraged me thus far.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I am thinking of not attending a surprise birthday dinner for her uncle that she invited me to, in keeping with the idea so often esposused here about not accepting all invitations. As she moves closer, I will move away, ever so slightly.
Be careful here. Sometimes we (you and me) may think we are not attending something or going someplace to "prove a point" or "show them". When in reality all we are doing is punishing ourselves. IF YOU want to attend DO IT. Once activities pass you can never get them back. I too had that thought this week. My son won a basket ball Free throw competition. I was thinking about not attending it to "let her miss me" But then I thought. What will I be missing? Not what I might gain with Wife but what I will lose with my son... So if it really does not mean much to you then go ahead and miss the invitation. But do it because it will be YOUR gain and not HER loss.. Understand? I am getting to a breaking point in my sitch. I will not go into it here on your sitch.
Later Doc
(Why when I read what I wrote in response to someone else it seems like good advice but in my own sitch I am soooo confused?)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
