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Hello everyone! I've been posting in Newcomers for over a year but have decided that it's time for a change and that this forum may be the best place for me.

Since last June, H and I have been living 4000km (2500 miles) apart. For months now H has been telling me he wants us to work things out. Here is the background info for anyone who is interested.

Why are we living so far apart??? It's a long story but here goes...
In Sept 07 our family moved on a trial basis due to H's work. I was able to take a leave of absence from my job and a family member stayed here in our house while we were away. I left behind a house, family, friends and a very good paying job to try to make H happy. We were getting along very well at the time although my H has always been very dissatisfied with life.
About two months after moving there H started to become very distant and I quickly realized H was having an EA with his assistant 20 years younger than him. I confronted him, he denied it, I asked him to stop, he wouldn't...I asked him to move out. After moving out it quickly became a PA. At this point H suggested I move back to our home town where I could return to my job in Sept and to our house. I waited until S's school year ended and did just that because I had not established any sort of life for myself there - I had no job, no family, no friends and no H.
In the meantime, I DB my butt off and the A ended in May. H moved back in with us shortly after but I had already made all the arrangements to leave and H didn't suggest I stay until a couple of days before I was scheduled to move back. After I left, H felt abandoned and the addiction with OW continued. H kept seeking her out, he also placed ads in the personals, joined a dating service, all the while telling me he was sorry and wished we could work things out.
So where do things stand now? H claims he wants to "work" on our M. I'm having a difficult time with trust seeing we're living so far apart. I'm also having major doubts about whether H could ever be happy. He's never been happy in the past. Unless H does a lot of work on himself nothing will really change.

The above was taken from a post last Oct. and not much has changed since then. H calls every night to speak to S and me. He has come for several visits and things have gone well. He tells me often that he's been a fool and that he wants his family back together more than anything. However I don't trust him and am having a difficult time dealing with it. I know for a fact that he is still having some contact with OW - they work on the same floor although no longer work together but I also know he has initiated personal contact with her even recently. How do I believe anything he is saying when I know he is lying to me about contact with OW? I don't think there is anything going on because she no longer wants a R with my H but I think he keeps pursuing her. I'm very close to the point of moving on with my life because I am so tired of this but at the same time I don't think I can move on when he's telling me he wants us to work things out.
I'm very confused about how to handle all of this. Thanks for reading.


Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
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No one?

You guys suck.

; )

Basic rule...if you simply can't forgive then don't bother.

And by forgive, I mean not bring it up in arguments, not throw it in his face. If you say I forgive you, you have to let go of it. Forgetting it? that's unlikely, but forgiving? Hard but possible.

If your proof is undeniable...then well that's a hard row to hoe.
Where are you getting your proof? Someone 'helpful' to your cause? Examine motives if that is the case.

Quote:

he's telling me he wants us to work things out.


Boundaries. Set them up. I told my wife when we got to this point, "If he is in your life, I won't be at all." I knew there was going to be some contact, mostly on his part, and there was, it did take some time to kill it all, and it had to be on her terms. However if that contact had been PA at all again...curb baby. But those boundaries existed because she wanted to work on us.

I see some similariteis in your sitch and mine...and no, sorry. I'm in the MLC archive, I don't like reliving the past and having my wife wonder why I'm in a funky mood when I come home. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Congrats to getting this far, and good luck! \:\)


M:28 H:30
DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10
T-14 | M-8

10/08- Bomb
4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program
3/10- WH moved out.
7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
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((((Addie))))!

We're in the same forum again!
I'm so glad you're here, my dear friend :).


I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders
____________________________________________________
M 46
H 45
D 17
M/T 23
Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06
Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07
Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
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2gthr, Stella, thanks for stopping by.

Jack,
Thanks so much for the advice. I am a patient and forgiving person but haven't forgiven H. One of the reasons I haven't been able to forgive him is because he keeps contacting OW. I've set boundaries of NC. I think it would be a little easier to get over things if the contact had truly ended but almost 1 year later it still continues. And it's H that initiates contact. She wants nothing to do with him and has moved on to a few other men over the past year. It certainly doesn't help that we're living so far apart. It might be much easier for him to forget about her/get over his addiction of her if we were living together. I don't know when this will happen and until then I don't know that I can forgive.


Me47
H46
S13
M16
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"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Basic rule...if you simply can't forgive then don't bother. You guys suck.
LOL, I changed the order...

Hey Jack, right when I start fresh, I read this and... doubts start creeping back again... Thanks!!! \:\(
(I know you are right, but how can we know if we can forgive? Before we do it. Do we just say "I forgive you" and push the button? Where is that damn button? Where should I look?)

addie,
I was looking for you. Always standing at your corner, wishing I could give some "solutions" or suggest "magic pills". Unfortunately, we all have to walk through it, no shortcuts... \:\(
love & xxx
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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Kalni, I'm so glad you found me in my new forum.

You make some good points about forgiveness. Some people say forgiveness is a decision but I've found that it's really not as easy as simply "deciding to forgive" especially when the WAS is still not being completely honest. I'm having a really hard time with that.

BTW Kalni, I was in a bookstore today and bought the book you mentioned in your post "How to Improve your M Without Talking About It". I glanced through it and I have a feeling I've been reacting to H lately in many of the same ways you were reacting to your H. I'll need to do the questionnaire to find out for sure how I am coming across to H. I know that I am still very angry over all the deception even after the A and this is causing him to continue to seek out the OW eventhough he claims he wants me and our M. I will never understand why he is doing this but he is.


Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Joined: Jan 2006
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Oh forgiveness takes work and honesty. It is a choice you live with if you can live up to it. If you say you forgive but cannot, then your a liar. If you say I forgive you, but take every opportuniy or even just one to remind them that you haven't you are a liar.

Understand?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I am total agreement with Jack...forgiveness means truly being ready to take the risk to stay married. When I was faced with forgiving or not I chose to.

It has been almost two years since H moved home and there are times when he is late or acting a bit standoffish and I have to remind myself that this happens and not to get mad or start an argument bringing up the past.

Trust is earned back but forgiving your spouse lets them know that trust can be restored.

It is not easy but I felt my marriage and my husband was worth it!

Set boundaries and adhere to them! Jack is right, the minute a boundary is broken curb the contact.

I am sorry you are here but the advice and compassion is priceless.

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I am not sure I can forgive but I chose my M. That makes me no liar Jack. I am pushing myself to overcome my weaknesses. I am only human. I fear that I will have moments of ...doubt. I fear, it will be a constant internal battle (so I don't remind him what he has done to me and our kids). But I will try. I dont consider walking on eggshells for the rest of my life healthy. Is that what I should be preparing for?

Sorry addie. Tell me what you think about the book.
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
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