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#1734596 - 03/16/09 01:53 PM WAH says he wants to work on the M
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hello everyone! I've been posting in Newcomers for over a year but have decided that it's time for a change and that this forum may be the best place for me.

Since last June, H and I have been living 4000km (2500 miles) apart. For months now H has been telling me he wants us to work things out. Here is the background info for anyone who is interested.

Why are we living so far apart??? It's a long story but here goes...
In Sept 07 our family moved on a trial basis due to H's work. I was able to take a leave of absence from my job and a family member stayed here in our house while we were away. I left behind a house, family, friends and a very good paying job to try to make H happy. We were getting along very well at the time although my H has always been very dissatisfied with life.
About two months after moving there H started to become very distant and I quickly realized H was having an EA with his assistant 20 years younger than him. I confronted him, he denied it, I asked him to stop, he wouldn't...I asked him to move out. After moving out it quickly became a PA. At this point H suggested I move back to our home town where I could return to my job in Sept and to our house. I waited until S's school year ended and did just that because I had not established any sort of life for myself there - I had no job, no family, no friends and no H.
In the meantime, I DB my butt off and the A ended in May. H moved back in with us shortly after but I had already made all the arrangements to leave and H didn't suggest I stay until a couple of days before I was scheduled to move back. After I left, H felt abandoned and the addiction with OW continued. H kept seeking her out, he also placed ads in the personals, joined a dating service, all the while telling me he was sorry and wished we could work things out.
So where do things stand now? H claims he wants to "work" on our M. I'm having a difficult time with trust seeing we're living so far apart. I'm also having major doubts about whether H could ever be happy. He's never been happy in the past. Unless H does a lot of work on himself nothing will really change.

The above was taken from a post last Oct. and not much has changed since then. H calls every night to speak to S and me. He has come for several visits and things have gone well. He tells me often that he's been a fool and that he wants his family back together more than anything. However I don't trust him and am having a difficult time dealing with it. I know for a fact that he is still having some contact with OW - they work on the same floor although no longer work together but I also know he has initiated personal contact with her even recently. How do I believe anything he is saying when I know he is lying to me about contact with OW? I don't think there is anything going on because she no longer wants a R with my H but I think he keeps pursuing her. I'm very close to the point of moving on with my life because I am so tired of this but at the same time I don't think I can move on when he's telling me he wants us to work things out.
I'm very confused about how to handle all of this. Thanks for reading.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1734663 - 03/16/09 03:48 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
No one?

You guys suck.

; )

Basic rule...if you simply can't forgive then don't bother.

And by forgive, I mean not bring it up in arguments, not throw it in his face. If you say I forgive you, you have to let go of it. Forgetting it? that's unlikely, but forgiving? Hard but possible.

If your proof is undeniable...then well that's a hard row to hoe.
Where are you getting your proof? Someone 'helpful' to your cause? Examine motives if that is the case.

Quote:

he's telling me he wants us to work things out.


Boundaries. Set them up. I told my wife when we got to this point, "If he is in your life, I won't be at all." I knew there was going to be some contact, mostly on his part, and there was, it did take some time to kill it all, and it had to be on her terms. However if that contact had been PA at all again...curb baby. But those boundaries existed because she wanted to work on us.

I see some similariteis in your sitch and mine...and no, sorry. I'm in the MLC archive, I don't like reliving the past and having my wife wonder why I'm in a funky mood when I come home. : )
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1734687 - 03/16/09 04:17 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
2gthrButApart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/09
Posts: 335
Congrats to getting this far, and good luck! \:\)
_________________________
M:28 H:30
DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10
T-14 | M-8

10/08- Bomb
4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program
3/10- WH moved out.
7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug

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#1734747 - 03/16/09 05:47 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: 2gthrButApart]
stella_k Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/08
Posts: 898
((((Addie))))!

We're in the same forum again!
I'm so glad you're here, my dear friend :).
_________________________
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders
____________________________________________________
M 46
H 45
D 17
M/T 23
Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06
Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07
Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08

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#1734928 - 03/16/09 11:08 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: stella_k]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
2gthr, Stella, thanks for stopping by.

Jack,
Thanks so much for the advice. I am a patient and forgiving person but haven't forgiven H. One of the reasons I haven't been able to forgive him is because he keeps contacting OW. I've set boundaries of NC. I think it would be a little easier to get over things if the contact had truly ended but almost 1 year later it still continues. And it's H that initiates contact. She wants nothing to do with him and has moved on to a few other men over the past year. It certainly doesn't help that we're living so far apart. It might be much easier for him to forget about her/get over his addiction of her if we were living together. I don't know when this will happen and until then I don't know that I can forgive.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1735036 - 03/17/09 08:02 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Basic rule...if you simply can't forgive then don't bother. You guys suck.
LOL, I changed the order...

Hey Jack, right when I start fresh, I read this and... doubts start creeping back again... Thanks!!! \:\(
(I know you are right, but how can we know if we can forgive? Before we do it. Do we just say "I forgive you" and push the button? Where is that damn button? Where should I look?)

addie,
I was looking for you. Always standing at your corner, wishing I could give some "solutions" or suggest "magic pills". Unfortunately, we all have to walk through it, no shortcuts... \:\(
love & xxx
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1735247 - 03/17/09 12:59 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Kalni, I'm so glad you found me in my new forum.

You make some good points about forgiveness. Some people say forgiveness is a decision but I've found that it's really not as easy as simply "deciding to forgive" especially when the WAS is still not being completely honest. I'm having a really hard time with that.

BTW Kalni, I was in a bookstore today and bought the book you mentioned in your post "How to Improve your M Without Talking About It". I glanced through it and I have a feeling I've been reacting to H lately in many of the same ways you were reacting to your H. I'll need to do the questionnaire to find out for sure how I am coming across to H. I know that I am still very angry over all the deception even after the A and this is causing him to continue to seek out the OW eventhough he claims he wants me and our M. I will never understand why he is doing this but he is.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1735258 - 03/17/09 01:07 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
Oh forgiveness takes work and honesty. It is a choice you live with if you can live up to it. If you say you forgive but cannot, then your a liar. If you say I forgive you, but take every opportuniy or even just one to remind them that you haven't you are a liar.

Understand?
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1735314 - 03/17/09 02:10 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
I am total agreement with Jack...forgiveness means truly being ready to take the risk to stay married. When I was faced with forgiving or not I chose to.

It has been almost two years since H moved home and there are times when he is late or acting a bit standoffish and I have to remind myself that this happens and not to get mad or start an argument bringing up the past.

Trust is earned back but forgiving your spouse lets them know that trust can be restored.

It is not easy but I felt my marriage and my husband was worth it!

Set boundaries and adhere to them! Jack is right, the minute a boundary is broken curb the contact.

I am sorry you are here but the advice and compassion is priceless.

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#1735409 - 03/17/09 04:03 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: momof2girls]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
I am not sure I can forgive but I chose my M. That makes me no liar Jack. I am pushing myself to overcome my weaknesses. I am only human. I fear that I will have moments of ...doubt. I fear, it will be a constant internal battle (so I don't remind him what he has done to me and our kids). But I will try. I dont consider walking on eggshells for the rest of my life healthy. Is that what I should be preparing for?

Sorry addie. Tell me what you think about the book.
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1735416 - 03/17/09 04:20 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
Kalni,

No it doesn't make you a lair. Not at all.

IF you said "I forgive you," to your husband; got into an fight with him and brought up whatever you forgave him for as ammunition in that fight...then you'd be a liar.

Forgiveness is tough.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1735453 - 03/17/09 05:11 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Concerned_Listener Offline
Member

Registered: 09/13/03
Posts: 1778
Loc: Ohio
Addie,
I'm thinking that forgiveness is a willingness to suspend our judgments about our WAS. It's a willingness to accept their imperfections as humans, and past mistakes.

I'm also thinking that even if we are able to get to a place of forgiveness, it doesn't mean we have to choose to stay M to the WAS. There is a difference between wise compassion and foolish compassion.

Forgiveness is a decision, but it still takes a great deal of effort to attain it. It's not something done in an instant. It's not an epiphany. I think it's better to say that forgiveness is a decision that requires commitment and effort.

CL
_________________________
CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching

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#1735462 - 03/17/09 05:27 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Jack, Momof2girls, Kalni,
Thanks for your viewpoints on forgiveness. It is definitely something I am struggling with at the moment.

Kalni, I understand exactly what you are saying because I am at the same place you are at. I want my M to work out but am also struggling with my inner battles to forgive and have many moments of doubt. Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Maybe I should first make the decision to forgive, despite what H continues to do, and then work on establishing trust. What I've been doing is trying to establish trust and then look at forgiving him if we reach that point of trust.

Jack, I haven't told H yet that I forgive him so I guess I'm not a liar.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1735469 - 03/17/09 05:42 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Concerned_Listener]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Concerned Listener,
I was typing when you posted.

Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Forgiveness is a decision, but it still takes a great deal of effort to attain it. It's not something done in an instant. It's not an epiphany. I think it's better to say that forgiveness is a decision that requires commitment and effort.

I really like what you said here. I think I am expecting an epiphany which will never come. I really have to try and think of it as a decision that will take a great deal of effort. Thanks for your viewpoint CL.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1736477 - 03/19/09 02:15 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
Addie,

When H first came home I felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly...I felt like I had to think every syllable through so I would not say something to bring up the past...

This feeling goes away as does the nagging feeling you have inside about whether or not you did the right thing.

The more I saw my H come back to the man I married, the easier it got. I also went to C for two years and used her to vent my frustrations and feelings.

If I am upset and the past starts creeping up on me, I tell H and we sit and talk together. He understands that this is what I need to do. I try not to ask questions he can't answer and I use it more as a venting time to express my feelings. This has worked for us because my H now understands how I feel and how he can help to continue the growth of our marriage.

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#1736776 - 03/19/09 11:23 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: momof2girls]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi momof2girls,

Thanks for stopping by. Time and time again throughout the past year I read that piecing is really hard - I just never imagined how hard it could be. Throughout the nightmare I thought I could easily forgive H if the time ever came. I wasn't expecting all the doubts and anger to surface. Obviously this will take a lot of hard work and time to heal.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

Top
#1736806 - 03/20/09 12:21 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

I'm glad I found you!!! Of course I'm no where near the sitch that you are in right now, but something I've been doing has helped me. Now, I don't know how I would do if my ex came back but for now when I think of him, OW, things he did & said I just stop & say "H, I forgive you & bless you". Sometimes I say it a thousand times a day, other days not so much. At first I just said it & it really didn't make me feel any better but later on I would say it & feel some peace within.

I don't know if it will work for you but it's something that I have to do whether my H comes back or not. I think I have to do it for my own peace of mind.

Hang in there!!

Momof2girls, I really enjoy reading your post, you give great advice & like yellowrose, you give us all hope. I hope you will check out my thread sometime, things have been rather strange.(((HUGS)))

Addie, You hang in there, stay strong & PMA! I know that is hard at times, believe me!!

((((HUGS)))

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#1737028 - 03/20/09 01:48 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Nlt,

I like your suggestion and will try it out. I'm glad you are feeling some peace when you utter those words of forgiveness. As others have suggested to me, forgiveness (just like love) is a decision that you make and you have to work hard at it every day, especially in the beginning. For many people it does not just happen and that is what I was expecting.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post with their views on forgiveness. It has helped me put things into perspective.

Momof2girls, do you have a thread? I was looking for your old threads but couldn't find them.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1743716 - 03/31/09 09:21 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Everyone,

H is coming for a visit at Easter and staying for a week. It will not be a happy reunion because I'm having a very hard time with forgiveness when I know he is still initiating contact with OW. I'm carrying many resentful feelings about this and about everything that's happened for over a year now and I can't seem to put it past me when it keeps resurfacing. I have told H how I feel. He keeps repeating that I am the only one he wants, that he was a fool, that he doesn't want her, etc., yet he won't end the contact. He says all the right things but his actions show me something different. OW is the one who is not interested in a R with H but I can't help feeling that if she did show interest, H would still be having a PA with her. In any case, he still has some kind of addiction to her.

I've told H that we're just going around in circles and that we will NOT rebuild our M until OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture and until we are living together, going to MC and actively working on reestablishing trust.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1743756 - 03/31/09 10:28 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
addie,
I dont think he can help it. And honestly I think that the distance between the two of you makes it easier for him to backslide, especially since she is pursuing him.

You must find a way to be in the same town. I know you said it isnt easy but you have to try to find a way. As long as she is closer and you are miles away, even if he doesnt have strong feelings for her (which btw I believe he doenst), he is an easy prey.
I am glad you are able to talk openly with him about your feelings. Use this week to create bonds again between the two of you. The stronger you 2 get, the harder it will become for her to affect him.
xxx
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1743804 - 03/31/09 11:55 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Is your H staying with you over Easter?

Perhaps if he is still seeing OW, he should stay at a hotel?
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1744063 - 03/31/09 07:55 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Kalni - actually it is H who is initiating contact with OW and has been for almost a year since A ended. I cannot begin to heal when I know he's still in contact with OW. I have put that boundary in place and H knows that.
As for us living in the same city, H also knows that I am not willing to move at this point. I am the one with the secure job. I gave up a lot for him more than once by moving across the country twice and both times there were A's. Now H is wanting to move elsewhere still very, very far away. If H cannot find meaningful employment here I accept the fact that we may not be able to work on the M. It's not what I want but I'm not about to keep moving around the country only to have H realize he's still not happy with his job/life. I won't do that to myself or S12.

So, like many others on this BB, here I am in limbo.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1744071 - 03/31/09 08:04 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Trusting thanks for visiting my thread.

Yes, H will be staying in our house over Easter. At this point I don't want to confuse S12 even further. He (and most people in my family) think that I moved back here due to my job. Very few people actually know my sitch and it's not the first time H and I are living apart due to jobs. I want to avoid hurting S until I know for sure that things will not work out between us.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1744784 - 04/01/09 05:08 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
Good luck, Addie.

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#1746449 - 04/03/09 07:54 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Andabelle - Haven't heard from you in a long time. Thanks for checking in on me. How are you doing?

H is arriving 1 week from today and staying just over a week. I'll be alright. I'm detached and I have no expectations.

I do believe that H wants things to work out for us but at the same time, I realize he's still very screwed up. His job contract is ending and he's now making plans to go work at his friend's business which is still almost 2000 miles from here. I've told him that I realize he has to do what he must but I will NOT move again. The only good thing about it is that he'll be living 500 miles away from OW. YIPEE!!!
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1746525 - 04/03/09 11:38 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

Well, that is some good news there about H living so far from OW.

I hope you can get things worked out thru Easter. I know you have been at this a long time!

Hang in there, you are doing great!!!

((((HUGS))))

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#1746680 - 04/04/09 11:14 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Originally Posted By: nlt
Well, that is some good news there about H living so far from OW.


It hasn't happened yet but may happen in the next few weeks. That will be the only good thing about H's move, yet I don't see how we'll actively work on our M when he will continue to live so far away. We need to see a MC if we have any hope of restoring the M but how can we do that when we're not even living in the same city???
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1746719 - 04/04/09 01:05 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
addie,
I dont really know what's worse, leaving in the same city and feeling being on different universes or living apart but showing emotion when together... (you know where I am coming from)
xxx
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1746747 - 04/04/09 03:07 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4043
Addie, I agree w/Trusting. Have him stay in a hotel!

Go by the actions, not words. If he is truly interested, he will find a way to move to YOU.
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1747027 - 04/05/09 12:32 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: forward]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Kalni - I do know where you're coming from and honestly, I don't know which is better. How long can such a fragile M be sustained when we're living this far apart? I know I need much, much more than I've been receiving.

Breton - I know what you and Trusting are saying but for many months now H is the one doing all the work and "moving" towards me. I dropped the rope long ago. He has apologized over and over for what he's done, has been remorseful, has been very affectionate when we've been together, has written me poetry, has told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want HER and that he wants ME, that she will never compare to the wonderful person I am, etc. He's asked me to help him get through this and he admits that he doesn't know why he still contacts HER eventhough he realizes the type of person she is. He has said that he doesn't know how he could have left me in the first place for someone like that. Over and over H has told me everything I ever hoped to hear.
Obviously H still has many issues to deal with. The fact that he is contacting her troubles me immensely and the fact that we continue to live so far apart certainly does not help our sitch.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1747124 - 04/05/09 04:02 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
Sadly, I've pretty much thrown in the towel.

Do you think your H is hedging his bets by moving so far away? Just a thought. What do you think he'd say if you told him you will D him if he doesn't find a job in your vincinity and move back home?

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#1747125 - 04/05/09 04:03 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
Andabelle Offline
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Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
I don't mean you should actually tell him that-- NOT DB.

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#1754966 - 04/21/09 12:18 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

How are you doing???

(((HUGS))))

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#1759131 - 04/28/09 05:54 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
What news????

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#1759746 - 04/29/09 03:27 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Hey addie,
what's going on? You sounded fed up on my thread...
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1759932 - 04/29/09 07:40 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Everyone - thanks for checking in.

H came for a week over Easter and then left. His contract has now ended but he's unsure whether it will be renewed. He is now unemployed. In any case, he has no intentions of moving back permanently to the city I live in because he was "never happy here".
I have told him I will not be moving across the country yet again but he won't give up on that. As I posted before, he now wants to move to another city and work at his friend's business. I've made it very clear that I won't uproot my whole life again (secure job, all my family, very ill father, my friends) and that if he wants to work on our M, he'll have to move back here. I've also made it clear to him that if he comes back he must have a meaningful job to come back to. For the last 19 years that we've been together, H has had job after job after job in different parts of the country even but has never been happy. I've supported us financially while he got his Master's degree and then another degree but still he was not happy.
I've told him that I need love, honesty, trust, stability and security and that means staying in one job, one city for an extended period of time. I really don't know if he'll ever be able to provide me with any of those things.
He continues to call every day, even more than once a day. He tells me he wants things to work out between us. This will be pretty difficult to do if we're living in opposite ends of the country. Grrrr!!!!
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1760888 - 05/01/09 11:30 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
A new place/job/woman is obviously not going to make him happy-- HE is his problem, and wherever he goes, there he is. I know you have been telling him this for a long time. Has he done anything to help himself? How does he say the M is supposed to work if he won't move back to where you are? Does he really think you can be persuaded to move with him again after what happened the last time?

Where did he stay during the visit?

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#1760891 - 05/01/09 11:41 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
SoCo Offline
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Registered: 02/21/09
Posts: 2160
Loc: Texas
Andabelle,
That is the perfect description of what my h is trying to do!! He is his problem, and wherever he goes there he is. LOL

If you listen to him though, of course, it is always outside forces that are his problem. Things always "happen to him".
_________________________
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out."
Robert Collier

"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments."
Henry Ward Beecher

me 33, s 9, d 4

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#1760895 - 05/01/09 11:45 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: SoCo]
Andabelle Offline
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Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
It seems to be the case with most of them. Everything is always somebody else's fault.

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#1761212 - 05/01/09 08:14 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Andabelle, So Confused!

I've also heard that all too often - it is always someone else's fault, always blaming someone else.

Andabelle - H stayed here for the 10 days. He was very loving and attentive. I was the one maintaining boundaries.
He does believe that I should move across the country for a third time, even after what happened the last two times. Both times I moved across the country with him, he cheated on me. The first A was very short lived and I'm not sure whether it was a PA but still when I confronted him with what I discovered, he told me he wanted a D. S was less than 2 at the time. H now expects me to move again and I've told him that he has to do what he must but I won't be moving.
I've been living with this lack of security long enough. Almost every year since we've been married, he's wanted us to move elsewhere. A couple of times he moved away on his own to work and then realized the job wasn't really what he wanted.

He keeps telling me he wants to be happy. I've told him it must come from within.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1761413 - 05/02/09 12:22 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
So,
Now that we know that everything is your Husband's fault and you have done everything right what goals do you have have to make some changes in your life.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but your attitude sucks and you come across as so controlling and ever so negative.

I too had my Husband move 3000 miles away and start a new life for himself. he was gone for 2 and a half years. He saw the kids for a total of 12 days during that time.

It is still possible to restore a Marriage and piece long distance.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1761421 - 05/02/09 12:42 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: brandnewday]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Hmm, I may have missed something but I think addie you did make changes and you are not complaining about your life (apart about your H and not even complain anymore). You moved right? You made all changes necessary to get to a stable and good environment for you and your kid? Dont I remember correct?

I dont think you sound controlling, you do sound in control of your life and only your life which I think is great and the right thing to do.

I am glad you H was caring and loving. When you said you set the boundaries while he was there, were those about the future plans or about your daily contacts during his visit?
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1761451 - 05/02/09 02:11 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
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Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Thanks Kalni! And Brandnewday, you are certainly entitled to your POV.

I've made many changes in my life and I have set boundaries and this is where it may appear that I am being controlling. I've come to the realization that there are certain things that I need in the M: love, honesty, trust, a sense of security (which I've rarely had in the M) to name a few.

I've taken many steps to regain control of my own life and I do realize I can't control H. I also realize that I can't live with a man who continues to be dishonest. H has continued to pursue OW and remains in contact with her which he has lied about. Is it too much to ask for to expect your H to have no contact with OW? H is still very unsettled about exactly what he wants in life and how he will achieve it. I feel I have to protect myself and S12 from his lack of direction in life. I guess all of this may make me "controlling".
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1761456 - 05/02/09 02:33 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
brandnewday Offline
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Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
I don't think you understood my question, and yes perhaps it was too blunt.

So I apologize and I will reword it.

Addie, it is wonderful that you have set your boundaries and seem to have so much control over your life.

No you don't have any control over your Husband you are correct.

But what you can do is to be a contrast to the OW in order for him to notice you more.

You said...

Quote:
I've come to the realization that there are certain things that I need in the M: love, honesty, trust, a sense of security (which I've rarely had in the M) to name a few.



What does he need from you that you are not giving him?

If there is nothing for him to come home to and there is no forgiveness then there is no need for him to even bother trying.

If everything he has done is going to be thrown into his face then why should he bother with you when he can have the OW without having to make any changes in his life.

Think hard Addie.....what can you change about yourself to make "HOME" worth the effort???

_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1761656 - 05/03/09 09:41 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: brandnewday]
addie Offline
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Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Originally Posted By: brandnewday
What does he need from you that you are not giving him?

If there is nothing for him to come home to and there is no forgiveness then there is no need for him to even bother trying.

If everything he has done is going to be thrown into his face then why should he bother with you when he can have the OW without having to make any changes in his life.

Think hard Addie.....what can you change about yourself to make "HOME" worth the effort???


Brandnewday,

You have brought up some valid points which I need to consider. I'm having a hard time with forgiveness when he tells me one thing and then turns around and contacts OW. I know that forgiveness should be something I do for myself but I seem to be stuck.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1761667 - 05/03/09 10:10 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
brandnewday Offline
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Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Honey, the forgiveness is the hardest part.

It does not happen all by itself, it takes time and a willingness to do it.

It is one of those things that you have to choose to do daily.

There is a great book called "How Can I Forgive You" but I don't remember the name of the author.

One of the biggest things I have found from some of my friends here, is that they think that by forgiving their Spouse they are letting them off of the hook so to speak.

Honestly, forgiveness doesn't make you weak, or stupid.

Also, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship with them.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1761676 - 05/03/09 10:47 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: brandnewday]
kjensen Offline
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Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 622
Loc: Colorado
The book BND mentionned is excellent: How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring.

My two cents: First figure out if you want to forgive and figure out if you think you can forgive. Also consider, what will it take your H to do or say for you to feel you are getting the things you need in a marriage (honesty, trust, .etc)
Then consider, can/will your H do or say what needs to be said/done? H needs to commit/work at this, but it is work on your part too. He may not quite be as ready as he thinks if he still has the OW on his mind/in his life.

BND has made good points on 'becoming the greener pasture', so to speak. Definitely worth considering from H's point of view. Creating a new marriage doesn't just mean your needs must be met, his needs must be met, too.
_________________________
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y
D14 D12
Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09
Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09
Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce
Divorce final 6/30/10.





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#1761687 - 05/03/09 11:18 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: kjensen]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
I am struggling like addie is (and many more here) and maybe I am way off here but I have this issue : how can you forgive someone for something that is still ongoing?

It could be OW, alcohol, gambling, in my case it is being last on his list. How can we forgive something that is happening NOW and still hurts and still causes anger and pain etc etc?

I had come to terms with H leaving, I take my share of the responsibility why everything happened, I am still trying to change because what bothered him about me, let me tell you it bothered me as well. It affected other areas of my life and I am doing my best to change that.

BUT, the same feelings come alive, the same reactions are triggered because the source is still there. And of course after these terrible 2 years, I have improved, so nothing is handled in the same lousy way, but honestly, I find it really hard to forgive him for something that he keeps repeating... It's like rubbing salt on the wound. \:\(
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1761701 - 05/03/09 11:48 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Thanks BND and Kjensen for the book recommendation. I will look into getting a hold of the book. The author's name sounds familiar. Is it the same author who wrote After The Affair?

Originally Posted By: Kalni
I am struggling like addie is (and many more here) and maybe I am way off here but I have this issue : how can you forgive someone for something that is still ongoing?


This is where I am stuck. I think that I could forgive H if he was now being honest, had ended all contact with OW and was sincerely trying to reestablish trust (even then I don't fool myself into believing that it would be easy). But he does keep repeating his behaviours and like Kalni stated "it's like rubbing salt on the wound" when the pain is still very raw.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1761715 - 05/03/09 12:10 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Yes, it is the same author!

I guess my point here is this....

How much do you love your Spouse?

You obviously want to save your Marriage or else you wouldn't be here.....unless you are posting here as a place to vent.

The damage the WAS does can be pretty intense and painful.

And for some it is very hard to move forward.

Many told me how foolish I was to give my Husband a 2nd chance. I was told that he didn't deserve my forgiveness and that I should move on with my life and let him go.

As I said before, just because you forgive him doesn't mean that you have to stay Married to him.

People who can't forgive end up miserable and bitter, especially after a Divorce. I would hate to see that happen to you.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1762338 - 05/04/09 04:57 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: brandnewday]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
BND - Yes, I do want to save my M and that is why I am on here.

I certainly don't want to be one of those that ends up bitter and miserable.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1762357 - 05/04/09 05:28 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
So what is it about your Marriage that you want to save?

This is not a contest between you and the OW, because your Husband is definately not the prize.

Be honest Addie.......

What exactly do you want out of this relationship and exactly how much work are you willing to invest into it.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1765096 - 05/09/09 12:50 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: brandnewday]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

I just wanted to say "hi" & see how you are doing?

((((HUGS))))

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#1765178 - 05/09/09 05:06 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi nlt- thanks for dropping by.

BND - Your question is not as easy as it may seem. I need my H to be loving, honest, trustworthy, a friend, a lover, etc. This is the man I believed him to be just prior to our S. I felt very secure in his love for me. We were getting along better than we had ever gotten along in our M and, in a matter of a few weeks, everything fell apart. I don't know whether I can even trust my judgement because everything I believed to be true in our M was not. My H has asked me to help him get through this. I've also told him that I need his help to reestablish trust in our M and eventually forgiveness.

H called a few days ago and repeated all of the things he has said to me before about how sorry he is for hurting me and how unworthy he is of me (this he repeated several times during our conversation). He told me that he loves me and that he always will and he feels unworthy of such a great son. He asks himself what man in his right mind would leave a million dollar family like ours and he realizes he has some demons to wrestle with (all his exact words).

Then he tells me he has to go away for a few days to do some soul searching and that he won't be contacting me during this time. I didn't ask where he was going. I haven't heard from him since Wed. I have no idea where he is. He did say that he would like to come out here in a couple of weeks.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1766004 - 05/11/09 07:03 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
He didn't leave you his contact info in case of an emergency? Where do you think he went?

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#1768686 - 05/16/09 03:03 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
No, he didn't leave me any contact info. H went down south snorkelling for 4 days. I had no idea where he was (granted, I didn't ask before he left). He said he just needed to get away, to recharge his batteries and think. He says he went alone and I do believe him.

And now for the ENCOURAGING NEWS:

As many of you are aware, for the last 11 months H and I have been living 2500 miles apart. He is driving back here next week and wants us to try working on our M. When I asked him if he would be willing to go to MC, he agreed without hesitation and firmly believes that we need the help of a counsellor to get things on the right track. In the meantime, he's applied to a couple of positions out here but there hasn't been much out there that interests him. This scares me but I have to have faith that he'll find something.

H continues to call every day. He's been doing some reading about M, R and has become much more introspective. On different occasions he has said that:

-he will always love me
-I didn't deserve any of what's happened over the last 1.5 years
-I'm far superior to the person that he left me for
-the A should never have happened
-he realizes the love I've given him is "mature love"
-nobody will ever love/support him the way I have
-he's amazed at my capacity for forgiveness
-he realizes that working on our M will be difficult work but he's prepared for the hard work

I also know it will be very hard work.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1768739 - 05/16/09 06:22 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Creed Offline
Member

Registered: 11/06/04
Posts: 978
Loc: midwest US
I think his wanting to be alone for a few days is very normal..and if I was in his shoes, I would have wanted to do the same thing, with no one contacting me. That said, I wish he would have left you someway of contacting him in case of an emergency. But most MLCers don't think to well 'reality' wise. And most take quite awhile before they can think of others as much as they think of themselves.

His mind must be in such turmoil, even though he knows he wants to reconcile. Think what must be going through his mind and his soul right now!! The guilt, the same, the sadness, the loss he must feel...and the responsibility of being the person that brought so much of the same feeling to his spouse and family.

He's got a lot of healing to do on himself..not just your relationship.

Slow and easy Addie. Give him time to get over himself and the consequences he's finally starting to realize.

My prayers are with you, and I'm very happy that he's seeing the light.
_________________________
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible

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#1768777 - 05/16/09 09:53 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Creed]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Thank you for the prayers, Creed. They are certainly needed as we have a long road ahead of us.

H does feel much guilt and shame. Over the last year he has said numerous times he is not worthy of me or even S12 and he doesn't understand why he did these things. IC would help him sort through the issues but for now I am grateful he wants to go to MC. The obstacle will be finding a good pro-marriage MC.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1769360 - 05/18/09 12:19 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
Wow! He's actually beginning to do the right things, as opposed to just saying them. Very encouraging development!

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#1769436 - 05/18/09 02:02 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
I am happy for you Addie. Keep shining. H will have much to work on. Actually both of you do.

I didn't read this entire thread, but I wonder - have you been able to forgive? I ask because he will have a very hard time forgiving himself if you can't.

Hugs to you.


Edited by The Wifey (05/18/09 02:02 PM)
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1769508 - 05/18/09 03:17 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: The Wifey]
craig54 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/07
Posts: 1374
Loc: HEART OF THE REDWOODS
Addie, this is great news, take it slow . God does answer prayer. God bless you and your husband.
_________________________
m-54
w-44
children-4
bomb-sept 21 2007
t-21
m-20yrs
bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023

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#1769615 - 05/18/09 05:06 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: craig54]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Andabelle, Wifey, Craig - thank you.

H should be back by the end of the week. It will take him several days to drive back. He had been talking about coming back for some time now.

Every time he calls, he tells me he knows we CAN work things out. He has brought up MC several times and said that he will leave it up to me to find one that I think will be good and to go ahead and book an appointment for after he gets back. I've been doing some research to try and locate a pro-marriage C in our area that has dealt with infidelity and recovery from A.

Wifey - I don't think I've reached the point of forgiveness yet but I am working towards it. I am praying that I can let go of the pain. I certainly don't want to live with anger.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1769679 - 05/18/09 07:15 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
The Wifey Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 2306
Loc: Upstate NY
I have a really good article about forgiveness, when I get time I will post it. I will have to type it all in and tonight is not the night. I just had to email H because I got the lawn mower stuck in reverse and stuck on a tree all at the same time. (No kidding!)

Between that and the 286 dollars the furnace cost today I quit trying to accomplish anything and broke out the wine. I am sitting here drinking waiting for him to show up. : )
_________________________
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.


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#1769920 - 05/19/09 09:00 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: The Wifey]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
addie,
your H seems ready to do it and not just try. I really believe when both partners want it, a relationship can and will blossom. Keep your strength and be patient. Things are moving.
xxxx
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1771183 - 05/20/09 11:34 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hey Addie,

Great news!!! You have been so strong!

((((HUGS))))

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#1771740 - 05/21/09 10:45 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Wifey, Kalni, Nlt thank you.

Wifey when you get the chance, I'd love to read that article on forgiveness. I'm still struggling with it.

H is arriving late tonight. I guess this will be our official start of the Piecing process. S12 is very excited. I am nervous. After living so far apart for almost a year and separated for another 5 months before that, it will take some adjustment on both our parts.
H has been saying that he really hopes he can be the type of H that I deserve. He was talking to one of his friends last night who said that I am an amazing woman for being able to put the A behind us and wanting to work on the M. H agreed with that.

I am praying that God gives me the strength to truly let go.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1771810 - 05/22/09 03:44 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
addie,
you are an amazing woman. Glad he sees that. Be strong and consistent and loving and true and patient and you will make it. He KNOWS what he is getting into, he knows it will be hard. If he does his part, things will go fine.
love
M
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1772278 - 05/23/09 12:00 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

Thank you for posting to me! Things sound like they are moving in your direction. But you are right forgiveness is the key & of course him doing his part.

I'm so happy for you!

((((HUGS)))

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#1775407 - 05/30/09 10:53 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Well H has been home for just over a week and so far so good.

We've been taking things slowly. He has been loving and attentive and has thanked me for being patient with him. He is out of work but is actively looking. He says he is feeling very inadequate right now because he doesn't have a job. I've tried to validate his feelings and reassured him that he'll find something but it may take time.


Although H has been wearing his wedding band, there were a couple of times this week I noticed he didn't wear it when he had been out. My insecurities surfaced immediately and after the second time I decided to talk to him about it. H apologized for not wearing it, said it was not intentional, that he had just forgotten to put it on and said it was wrong of him not to wear it. He sounded very genuine and I felt much better after our convo.
Our physical R has been good with H doing most of the initiating. There have been moments when thoughts of OW have surfaced but I've tried to not let those thoughts occupy my mind.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1775942 - 05/31/09 10:18 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
Good job, Addie. Stay the course...

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#1776397 - 06/01/09 07:41 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Thanks Andabelle! It's good to have you popping in from time to time.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1776510 - 06/01/09 11:56 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

This sounds sooo good! I'm so happy for you. I'm sure you cannot help the thoughts of OW but you just have to concentrate on the 2 of you right now. Just put her in another room in your mind & close the door.

I just wanted to check in on you & I'm so glad things are going well!

(((HUGS))))

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#1776553 - 06/02/09 02:52 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Hey!!!
I am popping in too from time to time..

Sounds like your patience is finally giving some results. I know you dont need to be reminded (especially by me) that this is a journey that never ends... Good Luck!
xxxx
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1778411 - 06/04/09 06:55 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Kalni]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Nlt and Kalni thanks for the advice.

Things are not all rosy. There are a lot of changes going on in our lives and we're in for some very challenging times ahead.

Last week my father went into a nursing home. He had been on a waiting list for 3 months, a spot became available and we had to make an immediate decision. He has been suffering from advanced Parkinson's and dementia for a few years now. It became extremely trying on the family both physically and emotionally because my father needed total care 24 hours a day.
Next week my mother is having knee replacement surgery on her other knee. On top of all this, H is becoming very impatient (with himself) because he can't find work and there will be major changes occurring in my job in a couple of months.

As if Piecing wasn't hard enough in itself - we now have all these other major stressors in our lives to deal with.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1778631 - 06/05/09 12:50 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

Just hang in there & trust in the Lord! I'm sure it has to be hard with everything else going on with your parents! That is bad enough but trying to piece also! The job sitch is not great anywhere. I still haven't found work either. But, we have to know that God is not going to put more on us than we can handle!

Thinking of you!!! You have been with me since the beginning of me posting here. Thank you!!!!!!

(((HUGS))

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#1778845 - 06/05/09 12:14 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
That's a lot of added stress-- we went through similar with my H's aunt and mom (Alzheimer's and garden-variety dementia respectively). I hope your H is supportive.

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#1779306 - 06/06/09 01:22 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Nlt and Andabelle - thank you for your support.

It is a very trying time but Nlt, you are right - God does not put more on us than we can handle.

My father is receiving good care in the nursing home. It is a very nice facility. Although it is hard on all of us (we have always been a very close family) he had become a major burden. He would fall numerous times a day and risked seriously injuring himself. My mother who is in her 70's had to lift him many times a day and she was no longer able to do that. He has been very confused for many months now and doesn't fully realize where he is. Most of the times he didn't recognize his own house and thinks he is back in the old country. My mother visits him every day and I go see him at least a couple of times a week (my parents live 35 km from me). He has had many friends and family visiting him and he still recognizes everyone. He is getting the best care possible right now.

H has been supportive but he is also going through his own issues. He's never been out of work for this long with no prospects (his contract ended in April). We are both in need of much support from each other- I just don't know how much we can give to the other when there are still many issues between us.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1791357 - 06/29/09 11:59 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
How's it going?

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#1796236 - 07/07/09 09:52 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
It's been a VERY busy time and that's why I haven't been on here much.

My father who is now in a nursing home is doing as well as can be expected due to his condition. He's receiving the best care possible and that's all we can hope for. About 3 weeks ago my mother had knee replacement surgery and has been slowly recuperating. It's a long process. My sister is getting married in a couple of months - therefore, many wedding preparations. In addition to all this, we've had some work done on our house - new roof, a new lawn installed, some trees removed. Whewwww!!!

Things with H have been going slowly. We've had our ups and downs. H found a "temporary" job to bring in some cash which he's been working at for about 3 weeks but is now saying he'll be giving his notice in a couple of weeks so he can spend his time searching for meaningful work. There are NO prospects here in H's field and this is starting to bring him down. He's been looking at postings in other parts of the country and this worries me tremendously.
H has been warm, caring, physically affectionate but we haven't really talked much about what happened. I've been battling the MANY, MANY triggers that keep recurring and that have caused some tense moments between us.

Most of you have heard this before - Piecing is not easy!!!
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

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#1813219 - 08/04/09 05:25 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
What news?

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#1818289 - 08/13/09 12:21 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: Andabelle]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Andabelle - thanks for checking in.

I'm ok. Things have been moving along very slowly. H is still out of a job. He's had only 1 interview but hasn't heard one way or the other. I keep praying that he'll find a suitable position soon but things are very difficult right now. This is really bringing him down.
The issues between us continue to surface. We are very much in limbo because finding a job is H's #1 priority at the moment. Until that's resolved, I don't see us moving forward at all. H had asked that we wait to go to MC after he's found employment. This may sound selfish but there are many things I feel we need to address NOW that aren't being addressed. I don't think we can do this on our own - we definitely need the help of a C.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

Top
#1818322 - 08/13/09 01:20 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
BobbiJo Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/08
Posts: 6948
Loc: Iowa
He doesn't want to go to MC until after he is employed? Is this a financial concern of his?

Otherwise, it would seem to me that while he is not employed, he would have more free time, which would make scheduling MC appointments easier...

Of course I just read this post and haven't checked on you in a while so maybe I missed something.
_________________________
Me-35

Together: 18 yrs
M-12.5 yrs
S-8
D-4
D'd: Feb. 2010

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save. --Zeph. 3:17

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#1818474 - 08/13/09 10:47 AM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: BobbiJo]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi BBJ,
It is a financial concern for him because his savings are dwindling (he's been out of work for almost 4 months, except for a couple of weeks where he decided to take a temporary job he hated just to make some money). When he first moved back in with us he was the one who repeated a few times that he realized we needed MC but he'd like to find a job first so that he could then focus on C and our issues. Well it's been almost 3 months since he's been back. A couple of weeks ago H told me that when he had been to see a C last fall, "it didn't work". He went to 3 sessions and expected all his issues would be resolved.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

Top
#1829486 - 08/31/09 05:14 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

I just wanted to check on you & see how things are going. I hope all is well & things are moving forward for you.

(((HUGS)))

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#1829708 - 08/31/09 11:20 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: happynow]
addie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/05/08
Posts: 1316
Hi Nlt,

Thanks for checking in on me.

Not much new to report. I'm back to work this week. H is still out of work. We got away for a few days which was nice. We're still not really dealing with any issues. Sooner or later we'll need to talk about things.
_________________________
Me47
H46
S13
M16
Piecing since May/09

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz

Top
#1829716 - 08/31/09 11:34 PM Re: WAH says he wants to work on the M [Re: addie]
happynow Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/08
Posts: 2099
Hi Addie,

At least he is at home! Just have to take one day at a time!!

Thank you for posting to me!!

(((HUGS)))

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