A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

Please consider this OnLine Community as 'Read Only' for now. We are making some changes behind the scenes, and will let you know right away when everything is back up and running properly. Please do not register as a new user, nor post during this time. Although it may seem like things are working properly, please note that any changes or new posts that happen during this transition period will not be retained once we have completed our maintenance and changes, and are back up and running again. We are working to make this transaction period as short as possible. We are aiming for 24 hours, but it could be anywhere from 24 - 48 hours. Thank you.
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#1719468 - 02/18/09 09:20 PM WAW: Wiser & Willing
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
Starting a new thread.

Re-cap of my sitch.

I am a WAW. I left Husband of many years, together many before we married. We have 2 kids, both teen-agers. After 8 months of counseling, both Individual and Marriage, his job, he is a work-aholic- continued to have priority over counseling appointments, in addition his verbal abuse and anger, which he exhibited for years was becoming worse. He was also taking physical actions to prevent me from leaving rooms when we would argue. Those things in combination were the proverbial last straw and I moved out in the summer of 2007.

I have been working a full-time job that is mentally demanding, yet flexible in its hours, and pursuing a graduate degree for the past 6 years. He is a part-owner & operator of a multi-generational family-owned business. His typical work-week is 70-80 hours, with more during certain high stress times of the year.

After leaving I continued in my IC working on family of origin issues: perfectionism, self-esteem issues, passive-aggressive, self-silencing. His initial counselor referred him to an anger specialist, to whom he went 3 times between August - October 2007.

Upon the initial separation he seemed to be doing some DB techniques- "acting as if", "being my friend", but these were from articles our MC gave us initially during counseling. But he was also doing lots of non-DB things- calling at all times of the day & night, alternating between love & hate talk, making promises, then threats, etc.

I came to this site after I googled "while your spouse decides", the title of the article our MC gave us. I lurked because I felt like it gave me a glimpse into what I thought he might use a "playbook" to get me back. I stayed because I found that WAW/H voices need to be heard on this forum and it helps me see another perspective from others I don't find as threatening as my H and well as the incredible support from my Virtual team for the efforts I am making to be the best me I can be, either in or out of a marriage, something that has been lacking in my real-time life, from my real-time friends.

At 15 months post WAW, I asked him to go to couple's communication counseling, which we did for 8 weeks. This counselor & H did not click and H felt 'worthless' coming out of the sessions, which played a role in escalating the arguments. He made the chose to quit going & 3 weeks later was physically restraining me from leaving a room and taking other physical actions against me.

At that point I told him either to respect a self-imposed restraining order & get into IC, or I would get the courts to order it. He honored that & found an IC he really connected with. In the 8 sessions he has attended so far he has made progress in learning new behaviours of managing his anger and core hurts.

During this time I have continued with my IC working on co-dependency issues but pretty much detached... I made plans for divorce, applied for jobs well away from this location, kept GAL'ing, basically 'watching & waiting' etc.

However, because of his dramatic changes which he shows more & more consistency with, I have allowed the opportunities to re-build trust to the point where we have daily contact.

We are back in MC trying to figure this out. We are also working through the Stosny book Love without Hurt.

I am now wiser & willing to move along, with or without him, but not without my own self-respect.

My previous threads are (from most recent)
WAW: Watching & Waiting (part deux)
WAW: Watching & Waiting
Losing in a curious way is winning
Guilty as Charged, I'm the Walk-away Wife
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


Top
#1719486 - 02/18/09 09:42 PM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
I am frustrated.

I have been living on my own for almost 2 years now. H & I have spent everyday for the past week together for several hours each evening & during the day over the week-end. Working on R issues, talking through the Stosny book, making small talk, playing Yahtzee, going shopping, eating meals together, parent teacher conferences, etc.

I asked him for some space today, reassured him it was nothing he had done. Told him I would bring D14 up to his place after school. But that I just wanted some alone time. He got very short & snippy.. he said he understood that I was stressed, but he just wanted to be with me to comfort me.

I said, me taking care of myself with some alone time without you guilting me about not spending time with you, would be comforting to me. I have decided this is what I need today. Will you please respect that?

He made some snide comment about me reading more books (I had told him I had stopped at B&N & bought a new book about relationship communication) then hung up.
(sigh)

I am frustrated with myself for thinking it would be kind of me to let him comfort me 'his way' when 'his way' is not what I want (co-dependent that I am).

I am frustrated that I'm still being patient (5 weeks later) for a job offer or rejection with only a short email stating that "you're very much still being considered" to give me hope.

I am frustrated with technology issues at work that are messing up my lessons for my classes & the students are loudly expressing their displeasure.

Thanks for listening.
Peace
Bridge
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


Top
#1719542 - 02/18/09 10:18 PM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Hey bridge,

I'm glad you feel yourself progressing.

Not sure what to say about your H's snippiness, but I think this is common. I know I used to feel very frustrated when I knew my W was upset about something and I wanted to comfort her but didn't understand it when she needed space instead. She dealt with some things differently than me and I didn't quite understand that - I think MWD talks about that in the early pages of DB. Anyway, I always used to "read" it as rejection. Not that that helps, but might give you insight. I'd think that'll take time and understanding on both your parts given what's gone before - there's a lot of baggage now from the past year.

Not saying you should 'let him' - just saying it's something going on.

I think you need to learn more patience. "Very much still being considered" is an extremely good sign. Sometimes institutions don't move very quickly. The job search underway for my co-worker is now entering its 4th month.

Frustrated with technology? Ahh, welcome to teaching experience! \:\) And students ALWAYS are loudly expressing their displeasure, so ...

go do something to take out the frustration - I always go do something that'll make me sweat. It helps.

lodo
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

Top
#1719637 - 02/19/09 12:17 AM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: lodo]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
Originally Posted By: lodo
Anyway, I always used to "read" it as rejection. Not that that helps, but might give you insight.


Yeah.. I know why it's probably bugging him. But I'm trying to be true to me, state my needs in a non-confrontational, judgemental, or blaming way. He can either answer: yes, no, or sucks to be bridgestone. He seems to answer "it sucks to be me (H)" though as a fairly regular alternative. That's hard to hear(for me).

Originally Posted By: lodo
I think you need to learn more patience. "Very much still being considered" is an extremely good sign. Sometimes institutions don't move very quickly. The job search underway for my co-worker is now entering its 4th month.
The job was posted October 15, 2008, closed November 30, 2008.... it is pushing 4 months... As I posted to Distressed awhile back.. I should change my stripper name to Penelope Patience. \:\)


Originally Posted By: lodo
go do something to take out the frustration - I always go do something that'll make me sweat. It helps.


I have my belly dancing class in an hour.. it will help.

peace
Bridge
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


Top
#1719884 - 02/19/09 08:09 AM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
It's 2am and I must be lonely.

I have a job offer, 10 hours away from here, doing something I think I would love to do (it's a slight career shift), about the same money as I'm currently making, with health benefits.

decisions, decisions...
now where is that easy button??

I once told someone I was the "queen of easy" (I really was referring to my cooking, really)..

they respectfully disagreed with me, saying that they thought I was the type of person that if something came easy.. it wasn't worth having.

I think they were right.

My current job is 'done' May 24, 2009. There is no replacing this job for that salary & benefits within driving range of here. Given the current job market, I'm not even sure of what I could do around here.. work for UPS & waitress?

This new job would start June 1, 2009, but it's 10 hours away.
In a very metropolitan area.(very unlike where I currently live).

It means moving D14 or leaving her here. She starts 9th grade (high school) next year, she does not make friends easily, is an introvert, doesn't socialize outside of school either, & is very content with that. When I asked her on a scale of 1-10 about moving with me she said she was at a 7.

H's job is not 'movable'.

many things to consider


Peace
Bridge
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


Top
#1719912 - 02/19/09 10:33 AM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Bridge,

I hope you got some sleep last night. Wish that I had that easy button. Really don't have any advice for you just want you to know that I am here for moral support for whatever you decide.

Tim
_________________________
Thread #10

Top
#1719943 - 02/19/09 01:35 PM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: lodo]
Thinker Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/08
Posts: 1632
I have also always had trouble dealing with my WAW when I can tell she is upset, but doesn't want me to comfort her. I agree that it is easy for the H to read that as rejection - I always did (and in many ways still do).

Good luck.
_________________________
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment

Top
#1720004 - 02/19/09 02:51 PM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
hey bridge,

that's great that you have an offer!

Change is hard, especially when it feels like it's taking us in directions we never intended, but that has to be weighed with opportunity. Rather than casting this in the light of a job - what's the salary, what are the benefits - ask yourself if this is an opportunity. Like DB, will this bring you closer or take you further from your goal?

I always thought decisions were easy. It's just choosing to make them that's hard.

I used to be about as small town as you could get, and truth be told I miss that atmosphere a lot. But metro areas are also great. What you might consider is going there for a weekend with an eye towards pretending like you're living there.

Even if you accept the job and move, nothing will be set in stone - for you, for H, for D14. You'll still have the same choices a month after moving that you have right now, so don't see this as closing doors. If any doors get closed, it's the one on your fear of leaving.

My $.02. lodo
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

Top
#1720360 - 02/19/09 10:28 PM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: lodo]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
(((Tim)))
Thanks for the kind words. You are a generous man & I'll say it again.. I'm blessed for having you in my virtual life! \:\)

Thinker- Thanks for your perspective. I can see that in my H too. Do you take it as rejection when she tells you she wants Mexican instead of Italian for supper? Is there anyway for me to say, "I need alone time" so that he thinks he is supporting me instead of feeling rejected by me?

(((Lodo))) I always enjoy your perspective.. you are right. I'm only closing doors on fears & old hurts.

Who would I be if I wasn't fearful of these things? More confident, more self-assured, more at peace... all things i want.

Nothing I'm doing is permanent (except leaving my little blue house that has become my 'sanctuary' over the past 2 years & it's just a house). My new sanctuary is inside me (most days).

If I say yes, I'm on break the entire week after they want an answer... that might be an ideal time to take D for a trip with an eye to living there. I have been there before, but the last time was only the time with an eye towards being there as a resident. Good advice.

Peace to all
Hugs to those who want them
Bridge

Thanks for your two cents.. always welcomed.
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


Top
#1720652 - 02/20/09 05:08 AM Re: WAW: Wiser & Willing [Re: Bridgestone]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Who would I be if I wasn't fearful of these things? More confident, more self-assured, more at peace... all things i want.

I think you see "no fear" as a place to reach, but I think you're mistaken. There will always be fear - of the unknown, of making mistakes, of promising more than you can deliver, of being alone. But that's how life works. You don't gain anything if you don't risk anything, and if you don't risk anything, you have no life. You CAN be self-assured, more at peace, etc. It's already within you. It's always been within your power but you don't trust it yet. .... Hmmm, did I just quote the Wizard of Oz?! Anyway, point is, why battle these things? Just accept them. This is you, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your desires. Bridgestone in all her glory. So embrace her and let her live. But recognize that others want to live to - you can't become so self-focused that you start shoving out the realities of other lives. When it's time, you'll need to compromise, but I don't think you're there yet.

lodo
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004