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Thanks. I appreciate the support.

See, I don't take the comments from my W to be so much about her thinking of life without me as much as a method of reminding me (and perhaps assuring herself) that very soon there will be a life without me. The irony here is that I really don't think that's what she wants, but she's backed herself into a corner by pushing it through so quickly this time and since she isn't sure she cannot afford (both emotionally and financially) to push it this far again if it turns out that it is what she wants. Since she's already filed (which means nothing until I am served) she already has a monetary vestment in the divorce. However, she has a huge emotional vestment in the marriage. She has a lot more to consider and weigh out in her head than I do. On top of the common divorce issues, there's also the religious aspect (she was raised Catholic), and the guilt factor. I think she also feels guilty for telling me in November that she wanted to work it out and then took it back in February. She filed for divorce at a time when I was unemployed in a struggling economy where jobs are few. She knows that this will destroy me financially and emotionally. And of course, there's the kids to think about too.

The reason I say all of this is that, knowing her like I do, right now, while she does feel guilty, she is also trying to make sure that any thoughts against divorce are not completely out of that guilt because if she decides not to divorce solely out of the guilt factor, then she is afraid that either A) She will be stuck in an unhappy marriage and be a miserable person for the rest of her life or B)When I get back on my feet, everything will start over again and we'll end up divorced.

So, my mission right now is to show her that I am and will continue to be a good husband who is working towards a future for all of us and not just a future long enough to get her to change her mind. This is difficult and cannot be done overnight and I am fighting an uphill battle as she is constantly trying to reassure herself and justify to herself that she made the best choice in filing. Plus, even if she was 110% sure that she didn't want a divorce she is not going to stop it just yet because there is also that fear of how I may react. She cannot be sure that I am not going to tell her that I've accepted the fact that we're done and am ready to move on. I'm sure she has a pretty good idea, but she cannot be 100% sure since I've been really hurt and I don't talk about the R anymore. So in some ways I think she's feeling me out at well. I think a lot of times when she tosses things like that out it's to see what my reaction is to try to gauge where I'm standing on the issue. While I see these as little cracks in the door, it's too soon to throw those doors open and go running in.


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Maybe the next time say something like "Why get a new lawn mower, I can help." You have kids together so sure, you're going to be around.
Even in happier times, I would talk abou trips with my H that neither of us were really thinking whether I wanted him to go or not. I wouldn't read into that one.
You really are doing amazing things here. I admire you.

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I just wanted to encourage you to avoid the pressure stuff. My H accepted the "darK" stuff for awhile and now is pressuring me and it really pushes me further away rather than pulling me close. I didn't realize how much I am bothered by him invading my space and not respecting my boundaries. AT least that is how I see it. This does not mean that I don't want our M to work out - I am still trying to get it through his head that he has to change tactics - stop thinking about himself and think about me. Is it too much to ask?


Me late 50's
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D 4/11

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Well, that's actually one of my faults that I'm working on. I don't mean to pressure, but sometimes I want so badly for things to turn around that I end up doing it despite my better judgment. This time around I'm doing everything in my power now to pressure and believe me its rough.


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Mr. Lost,
I have the EXACT same issue. I want things to work out so badly that I push and push in hopes that will turn things around. And it's crazy because I know it does not work this way. Yet I do it again and again.
It's now at the top of my list of things to work on.

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It's a very hard issue to overcome, but you need to do it. The best way that I've found is when you feel the need to say or ask something imagine the worst answer you can hear. If it's bad enough to churn your stomach you may want to rethink it. I know that's a pretty dismal outlook, but I use it to keep myself in check. For whatever reason the spouse has pulled away and they're doing it because they need to.

Another thing I learned is when I need to know something ask for a specific answer. If you ask something like "Do you think things are better between us?" you'll probably get a response that is equally vague and open. If you're like me, you can take a vague and turn it into all kinds of terrible things in under an hour. The reason I bring that up is that I have found that if I cannot ask a question or bring up a topic that is very specific, more times than not, I'm asking a pressuring question that she doesn't know the answer to. For instance, if I ask her the question I used above, she might say "Yes." But yes could mean "I'm really reconsidering this divorce" or it could also mean "Since I filed for divorce I no longer have the pressures of being your wife." or anything in between.

Long story short, if you think what you are about to say is pressuring it probably is. When I get something like that in my head I do my best to remove myself from the situation. Go watch TV or read a book. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Do anything but sit an dwell on what you don't want to say.

Another possibility, though this doesn't work for me, is set a time and stipulation when you will say it. So for instance "I will not ask her why she has this sudden need for a passport" until Thursday afternoon if she is in an agreeable mood. If not, I will try Friday afternoon."

The problem that I have with that is that it gives you a set time to dwell on it and build it up in your head. By the time Thursday afternoon comes along I'll have the whole conversation planned out. The first time it gets derailed I'll fumble around like a dope because she didn't keep to the script.

So there you go: Advice from someone who is apparently completely neurotic. \:D


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I don't think you're neurotic. I feel like I'm a bit and definitely have a some thing I could be working on, but I don't think either of us neurotic. (But let me know if you get a professional to confirm that.:)
That's good advice on how to control it. I just have such a hard time with that. It's the only cause of my back slides. He does or says something that makes me nuts and then I push or even sometimes, I shove. And even AS I AM DOING IT, I remember all that I've learned here and from DR and my therapist and I do it anyways.
I just really need to calm down and practice patience, self control and I need to pamper me as much as possible.
This is H's last night for the rest of the week with S. I wonder if he is going to attempt to see S tomorrow after his golf league.
Friday night, I've made plans with some other mommies. And Saturday and Sunday, I haven't figured out what I'll be doing, but H has a his tournament this weekend and has to work Saturday night too. So I can go dark that day too.
Sunday nights we all have dinner together at the place where I'm staying. The friends I'm staying with are great great cooks and we've been going there for Sunday night dinner since before the you know what hit the fan. So we continue to do that since everyone involved does enjoy it. So if I don't see H tomorrow, I won't see him again until Sunday. I'll see him tonight when he drops S off.
But so far, so good on going as dark as I can with our S between us.

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Well, today I went out and got the mail and there was a nice big envelope in there for me. It had the terms for the dissolution of marriage. There was one for my wife too. I had to go pick something up so I left and took my wife's copy with me. I called her and told her that I had it and she met me out there and took her copy. When I came back out she was still there and asked me if I wanted to talk to her about it. I told her no and left.

She sent me a text message saying that she knew I was upset but she would hope that I would stay until court date for the kids sake since they would be out of school then. She also said that I am more than welcome to stay at the house after the divorce until we sold it. That she wasn't kicking me out.

I responded saying that I was very upset right now and that I know myself well enough to know that nothing I say right now will be good. I told her that I would be home later but I didn't want to talk about it today. I don't even want it brought up.


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Ok. Very very good reaction and even better answer. I think you have her on the "freak out" which is good. She could have said "Now that this is here, we need to figure out how quickly we can get you out of here." She didn't.
I say fight. Keep fighting. Keep fighting until there's nothing left. And I truly believe in you and your ability to save this.
You've done so well and have truly inspired me.
Please, please do not give up now. Do not give up.

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{{{Mr L}}}

Bad day. When you read this please know that it is not over yet. I think dealing with it on your own right now or on this thread is a much better idea. Let her wonder a bit about you. She cares and is reaching out but don't fall into her arms yet. Let her think about what she is doing. I can't imagine how you feel right now. I am here and listening. Sending {{{HUGS}}} by the dozen. Be safe my friend.


Me late 50's
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