The Final Chapter?

[Committed2Him]

Doc,

So, what is going on in your life, how are you serving the Lord and what is He doing in your life?

Through my journey to where I am now, I sought to give my life over to Him totally and to examine what was my role and responsibility in the failing of the marriage. My thread details the joy and pain of this journey.

Like you I kept my ring on well past the point of no return in a desire to be faithful to my vows. Finally, one day, a brother at church who had been through something similar and whom I had not seen for a while (our church is large) spoke with me and asked me how I was doing. He saw the ring and told me, "you need to take it off, for your sake." He was right.

The Lord knows your heart and I can only hope you are serving Him to your fullest ability for in Him is joy and peace, even in the midst of the storm, trial, wilderness journey etc.

I understand the concept of "standing" for one's marriage and I did so until my X remarried. I walked away knowing that I stood as long as I needed to and made several attempts to clearly show her the door for reconciliation was still open, even after she was already committed to getting remarried. The journey afterwards was one of healing, fighting resentment and anger towards the newlyweds and I have finally arrived at a place of forgiveness and peace with them. If I had no children with my X, I would have accelerated the process and likely would have shaken off the dust from my sandals and bid her goodbye forever.

Your X has moved on and torn up your wedding vows. Attempts at civility and desiring to continue speaking with you when conversations are over are her attempts to soothe her conscience. You have your role in the failing of your marriage and it is your responsibility to recognize, accept and apologize for it if necessary. In this, there is healing and a reduction of bitterness towards your X (or at least that was the case in my situation).

Doc, you are responsible for your own happiness through your relationship with the Lord. As you seem to still be tied to her emotionally and symbolically (the ring), you are a divided man, serving two masters even though you think you are not.

Like you said, when one is in the middle of a situation, he tends to have blinders on and cannot see what others clearly see.

Tell me I am wrong and tell me you have a tremendous life of service and joy in the Lord and that He is clearly telling you to wait on Him for her to change and I will retract the above comments for this is certainly possible. However, if the pain is not lessening and you long for her, I doubt you are the shining light drawing people to Christ that the Lord wants you to be. IF the later is the case, then your waiting is preventing God from fully using you to show how Romans 8:28 is true. Is the present situation proving that all things work together for good for those (You) who love Christ and are called according to His purpose?

I could not have written this post 14 months ago and maybe not even two months ago because I still had to face Mr. X, face to face and truly forgive him. Now, I am free and I am loving my life, even though I will have some major financial hardships ahead while X and Mr. X are living their dream life. I feel blessed, wish them no ill will and pray for them regularly because in the end, when we die, we do not get to take anything with us anyway.

I've know you too long not to just tell you how I see it. I truly hope 2008 is an awesome year for you!!

[d_o_c]

Hi C2H,

As always you truly make me think about my sitch and reflect on what I am doing in my present circumstances. I wanted to take a little time before responding to some of the things you brought up in your post. Through some prayer and talking with a brother in Christ who knows my sitch pretty well and who I believe is fairly objective I have reached some conclusions that best represents what I believe is happening in my life and marriage in relation to what God may or may not be doing regarding my sitch.

So, what is going on in your life, how are you serving the Lord and what is He doing in your life?

I am still looking for job in the area so I can get rid of the long commute and get more involved with my church and CMA. I recently became a member of my church and have been involved in a few ministries within the church mostly serving in areas where there is need. I would like to be more involved but the commute makes it difficult. I am also involved with the Christian Motorcyclist Association which is primarily a ministry to bikers but they also partner with 3 other ministries, the Jesus Film Project, Open Door, and Missionary Ventures. In addition to that I believe that the Lord is working in my life specifically but not limited to the area of trust. There are so many things wrong in this world, not just in my life, but everywhere else it just makes me stop and wonder where is God? And that is where trust comes in, to trust in His goodness and at this time in my life I am learning to do that.

Like you I kept my ring on well past the point of no return in a desire to be faithful to my vows. Finally, one day, a brother at church who had been through something similar and whom I had not seen for a while (our church is large) spoke with me and asked me how I was doing. He saw the ring and told me, "you need to take it off, for your sake." He was right.

I keep my ring on for 2 reasons. One is rooted in honoring God the other is selfish. First I keep my ring on because I am still married and the ring is a symbol of marriage. Since I am not divorced I am still considered married and from what I can see in Scripture God still sees me married as well. My W may not see us as married and may act as though she is not but the fact is until we are divorced we are still married. I base my decision to keep my ring on because God sees us as married regardless of what my W does or does not do in relation to our M. She may believe the M is over, and maybe it is, but until the D is final I will act as if we are married.

The second reason as I said is selfish. I keep my ring on because it is easier to do so. I don't have to answer any questions about my M or explain to someone I am separated but not divorced or any of the details of my sitch. My company employs thousands of people. In my department alone there are over a thousand employees. My responsibilities bring me into contact with many people on a daily basis. Those in my group (I'm in IT) know I am separated. So wearing the ring makes it easier to work but this princple applies to other areas in my life as well. The day the D is final is the day I take off my ring.

Attempts at civility and desiring to continue speaking with you when conversations are over are her attempts to soothe her conscience. You have your role in the failing of your marriage and it is your responsibility to recognize, accept and apologize for it if necessary

I agree with you about my W and easing her conscience and there are probably a few other reasons for her wanting to carry on the conversation. But to say what they may be is only speculation. I certainly don't read into the conversation as being anything other than a conversation.

I have acknowledged my role in the failure of my M and have taken responsibility for my actions and I shoulder most of the blame for its failure. I have asked for forgiveness for a number of things. Three months after my W left I asked to see her to seek forgiveness for the things I have done. I had a list of 17 things many of them major wrongs. Since that time especially the first 2 years of our separation I have sought forgiveness for other wrongs that had come to mind. My W said she forgave me for all of these things. Though I doubt that she has deep down. I recommend to anyone to seek forgiveness for the things thay have done wrong whether or not their spouse forgives them or cares. By seeking forgiveness, it seems to me, you give yourself a chance to start healing.

Doc, you are responsible for your own happiness through your relationship with the Lord. As you seem to still be tied to her emotionally and symbolically (the ring), you are a divided man, serving two masters even though you think you are not.

My relationship with Christ is what has sustained me through all of this and I strive to grow ever closer to Him. I admit that I am emotionally tied to my W, I still love her and being married, however marred or dysfunctional, is what one would or should expect (for better or worse). I don't find that my actions are inconsistent with Scripture in regards to my M. I am trying my best to follow what God would have me do. Neither my M or my W is an idol to me. I try to put both of them, as with anything else, in the proper perspective in relation to God( which is subordinate) and what He would have me do.

...tell me you have a tremendous life of service and joy in the Lord and that He is clearly telling you to wait on Him for her to change and I will retract the above comments for this is certainly possible. However, if the pain is not lessening and you long for her...

I am waiting on God not to change her, for I do not know what God will do in my sitch, but because I placed my sitch and my trust in His hands and to be available for whatever He wants me to do. As for the pain, most of it is gone. I have moments of sadness but no where near what I experienced in the past. As for longing for my W, I don't. I miss her but there is no deep longing. Do I hope for my M and the return of my W? Yes, but my hope is grounded in Christ and His work and not my abilities and any works that I could produce.

It is possible that over time that some of my opinions may change as other things are made known to me. I would compare this as being in a darkened room just before sunrise and seeing the shapes and shadows of the objects in the room. Then as the sun rises the objects become more clearly defined and the layout of room is more clearly seen. I have heard this analogy used to describe the revelation of the Bible from Old Testament to New Testament. But I think the analogy fits when looking at life from the present time to the past. And in time I am sure I will see my sitch in a better perspective than I do now. So I won't hold so tight to some of the opinions that I gave in this post.

I've know you too long not to just tell you how I see it. I truly hope 2008 is an awesome year for you!!

Telling a brother or sister in Christ how you see things is something we should do. By doing so honors God and builds up the body of Christ. Telling truth in love is what we are called to do. Don't stop telling it like you see it C2H. It is my hope that 2008 will be an awesome year for both of us.

[Committed2Him]

doc,

I've been away from the board but posted something earlier today and just jumped back on moments ago and saw your post on my way out the door.

I am comforted by the tone of your post, you sound grounded and I sense the gradual healing. Only one comment at the moment (time constraints): You are absolutely right about your ring. You are still legally married even though she has emotionally divorced you so that is reason enough to wear it. I was seeing it differently until you posted. I continued to wear mine past the point I was legally divorced, standing for the marriage.
(I have it stored with some important items, see it periodically and it stings to even see it although the sting is lessening with time).

Take care my friend, it will be exciting to see what the Lord will do with a willing servant.

[d_o_c]

Just a quick update. The Saturday before last I spent the whole day gathering up all of the financial documents pertaining to my retirement, IRAs included. My W's lawyer requested copies and amounts to the different accounts while we were together and post separation. I scanned in everything and emailed my W's lawyer and sent her an email to let her know that her lawyer had everything he asked for so far.

I sent an earlier email letting her know that some of the benefits at my job have changed and I have new cards and that I will need her address to send them to her. No response from her on that email but a thank you on sending the financial documents. Today I sent out the hard copies to her lawyer certified mail.

Last week a friend recommended a name of a lawyer that handles divorce. I will be contacting him soon. I just need to make sure that the financial assets are properly divided.

Getting the financial information together has not been that difficult emotionally. I had some feelings of sadness and regret but they were fleeting and not very strong. I can't say I am looking forward to the end but at the same time there is some anticipation of seeing it through and having it finished. I wonder how I feel when the day comes that the D is finalized and when the reality of it sets in.

Have a good night and God bless.

[d_o_c]

On February 29th I retained an attorney basically to make sure that the amount that my W and I settle upon is reasonable and to have some help in getting it out of my IRA accounts without being penalized and so forth.

The attorney's law firm has a Biblical view towards divorce knowing that God hates divorce and the devastation it brings to people's lives. I spent the last 2 Saturdays getting together financial information that my W's lawyer requested. It took me a while to find and sort all of the information and hopefully my part is done. We'll see.

According to my attorney the D would take about 2 weeks to process once the financial amount has settled upon. But it could take another year to 2 years to get the money out of the accounts into my W's accounts. So maybe by the end of the summer the D will be final.

I have not heard from my W since our last phone conversation. So there is no news on that front.

Lately I have been hearing more and more about difficult Ms and people getting a D and I am thinking is it that hard to stay together these days? Were past generations better at relationships or was it just the fact that Ds were harder to get? From what I have read and heard it does not seem to be any different in the church than it is in the world (our culture so to speak).

I think Christians and non-Christians would have an expectation that Christians, even though they experience the same things in life as non-Christians, would have a different approach to relationships and therefore have a different rate of divorce. But they don't. So it seems to me that in today's world that relationships and marriage aren't taken too seriously whether in the church or outside of it.

Certainly our culture doesn't take marriage to seriously since it is so easy to get a D. And it does not seem any different in the church since the rate of divorce among Christians is roughly the same. While churches may have a doctrine that marriage is sacred and divorce a destroyer of that sacredness it may be that the church-goer doesn't view marriage the same way.

I only mention these things because as my M approaches its end the option of having a relationship (not that I have any in mind) will be a reality. When I think about that it occurs to me that relationships are difficult and dangerous (in an emotional sense) and that is their nature. I know I am stating the obvious here since this website exists due mainly to broken relationships.

For me it seems somewhat scary to even contemplate a relationship and it ls no less scary for my W to return and try to rebuild our M.

I think I am done rambling now. I was just thinking out loud. These are some thoughts I have been having from time to time and just needed to get them out.

Have a good night and God bless.

[Committed2Him]

doc,

Your ponderings are pretty common. As you move further away from the M, after the D finalizes, and you heal, you will look more objectively at what was good and bad, your role etc. When we learn from the past, we can apply the lessons to future potential relationships. No doubt, you will do the same.

As for looking at the D rate in Christian marriages verses non-Christian marriages, the D rate is similar because many who consider themselves a Christian do not wholly consider Jesus their Lord. They do not commit themselves to follow the Bible and God's directives over their own will. "Me, My, Mine, I want, I deserve" etc have crept into the vocabulary and the logic of those who claim that Jesus is their Lord even though they say they will follow God "no matter what." I do not put the blame only on the person who quits, we who were the LBS's do have our responsibility too and part of healing is recognizing our role and forgiving ourselves as well as the WAS.

Decades ago, marriages (Christian and non christian) stayed together because it was harder and more costly to get a D but society also looked as D as badge of dishonor. Now, all one has to do is claim irreconcilable differences. Societal changes have contributed to the rise in divorce and as a society, we are reaping what we have sown.

As for a future R for you my friend. In time, you may be receptive to having a healthy, thriving R. You will know when you are ready but in the meantime, you have your Lord to live for and life with Him is never boring.

[d_o_c]

Hi C2H I hope you are well. I agree that many in the church who call themselves Christians are not. It is just that it is sad to see the church seem so much like the world. Also I would say there are committed Christians who lose sight of what is truly important. Remember the church in Revelation who lost their first love.

I also agree that years ago marriages lasted longer due to the difficulty of getting a D and it is our culture's, and to some degree the church's, fault for allowing it to get so easy for a marriage to be destroyed. I know my responsibility in the ending of my M and I take the lion's share of it. But we both know, and maybe others too, that most marriages do not have to end in divorce it is just that is easier than staying together and working out the problems. It's the lie of the world that tells the WAS that they're better off and that the kids will be okay if they just quit. I imagine there are some marriages that should end because there are some extreme circumstances but most marriages shouldn't end. I am not sure how things would change but I always have hope that the gospel of Christ will make a difference.

C2H I can't say whether or not I will be ready for another R nor can I say I won't welcome a healthy thriving R mainly for the reason I am no position to think about one. Also I can't tell future which is obvious.

While I can say I have learned from my mistakes I can't say how well I have learned to be able to put it in practice but as you said that will be for another time.

It's great to have a friend and even better that he is brother in Christ. Thanks C2H for being a friend.

[Committed2Him]

doc,

Posted an update to your post on my thread just now. As for your post here, my experience showe me this:

As we focus on serving Him, He enriches our life and conforms us more into the image of His Son, our Lord and Savior. The conforming process is our healing. We forgive them because He first forgave us. We love others because He first loved us. We make sacrifices of time, effort and even finances for others because we are blessed above others here and around the world. The more we give of ourselves and our resources, the richer our lives are.

The healing process has brought me to a point where I believe I am ready for a healthy, Christ centered realtionship. If I can find someone who loves the Lord more than they will love me, I will be a happy man. I have no doubts God will take care of the "chemistry" issue and I will be blessed. As I said on my thread, I look forward to writing about it one day but in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep busy about my Father's work.

Patience my brother, keep your eyes on Him and everything else will fall into place. Bless you.

[d_o_c]

Hi C2H,

I found this interview today and thought you might find it interesting. It covers some of the topics I talked about in my earlier post about the church, our culture, and divorce.

Have a good night and God bless,

[Committed2Him]

Interesting article.