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#1701382 01/24/09 09:24 PM
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I was the one who thought divorce was the only solution to my being stuck and inability/refusal to grow in my marriage. I divorced a very supportive man who desperately tried to DB. I was certain my feelings would never be more than platonic for him and that was the main fuel for my decision. My guilt, lack of sexual drive and refusal to take responsibility of my feelings basically ripped away what I loved most.

There was no physical affair. We had a sex starved marriage especially after our children were born. I've been haunted and plagued by it for months now and can't seem to get him out of my head. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I first started dating while we were separated but I concluded after a few months (of strictly dinner dates - no sex) that my husband was who I belonged with. Not only for our children, but because of all of his good qualities. We reconciled and I felt the reconciliation was a mistake within a few months because my sexual chemistry still wasn't "working properly". It was like trying to have sex with a brother. He desperately tried to keep the marriage together and I was convinced there was no hope for me to be the WIFE he once had, and deserved.

He told me this was my last chance. I understood and foolishly set him free in 09/2007. Within a few weeks of him moving out, he was living with an old flame or crush from school. She moved herself and 4 children here from across the country - to be with him. She is a very dominant type and my contact with my ex became less and less to the point where she would reply to any emails I sent to him concerning the children.

I started dating a man last year, out of lonliness, right around the time my divorce was final. To my bitterwseet delight, I found my sex drive to be repaired and almost insatiable. There've been many times where the table has been turned on me, and I am painfully aware of how my husband felt. I feel like I'm dying a slow death and it's all my fault. I've always been a "I made my bed, now I have to lay in it" type. I cry daily as anything seems to remind me of my husband, who I tore apart and discarded like trash.

soulm8 #1701390 01/24/09 09:38 PM
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Hi soulm8,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Be sure to continue taking care of yourself even though you are upset.

I wonder sometimes if my XW has similar feelings to yours. I finally had to stop talking to her because she broke into tears every time we were together even though she was the one pushing for D. She said she couldn't deny her interest in other men and lack of intimate feelings for me. She told me she recognized that we connected on many levels and could communicate like no one else in her life, but she felt she couldn't be the woman for me and was happy being alone. I was upset for awhile, and still am sometimes, but I realize that she did what she did for a reason and it was a valid reason.

Situations change, people change, and you felt you had to follow through with the D. Trying to second guess that now is only going to cause you pain. I know that's an anti-DB thing to say, but I think it's the truth.

The best you can do is accept your life NOW and try to make it the best you can. If you can normalize things with your XH, great, but you shouldn't hold him up as the standard of happiness because obviously there were problems. Learn from those problems and make your life better accordingly. And who knows what will happen in the future.

You might want to read/ask advice from DanceQueen in Sex Starved Marriage forum. I've only lurked on her thread, but have seen her post some really good things about moving on from her previous marriage and overcoming those regrets.

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1701403 01/24/09 10:12 PM
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soulm8 Offline OP
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Hi lodo,

Thank you for your kind and wise advice. The communication between XH and I has normalized and I understand what you said about not holding him up to a standard of happiness. This time of year (winter) seems to bring on this remorse, it's also when we got engaged, and reconciled. The intense obsessing over him was spurred on by seeing him looking run down, ragged and unhealthy in December. Our contact has been minimal as I demanded it be that way. I've always conducted myself as if this is best and never let on that I regret anything.

I've written an apology note to him, but haven't sent it for fear of ridicule and lack of privacy.

Dear "XH",

This letter is long overdue and I can only hope you'll read it. It's very important to me that you understand and believe that I loved you despite everything we went through.

"XH", I am truly and profoundly sorry for all of the pain I caused you. You stood by me and constantly reached out to me only to be rejected and hurt for it. I was stuck in my head and the guilt I felt over it made me think divorce was the only solution. I even have a hard time understanding it now. I know you saw it differently. I was not intentionally hurting you, but I did hurt you and I'm very sorry.

You are a good man and father. Please take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
"soulm8"

I will check out DanceQueen's threads. Thank you.


Divorced: 03/11/08
soulm8 #1701431 01/24/09 11:08 PM
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Hi soulm8,

I understand about the winter thing. Am feeling a bit thoughtful myself - thinking about the events that happened a year ago. In our case, though, there was OM.

I wonder if pretending like you don't regret things is for the best. I don't know and would be curious what others think. It drives me crazy not knowing how XW really feels - I don't understand why all she ever said was that she wasn't very good at talking about her feelings. So I feel like I never heard what the problems were or how she felt about things.

That said, she did send me a letter at christmas saying she wanted me to know that she thought of me and hoped we could be friends in the future. I didn't take that letter in the way she probably wanted it to be read. I felt frustrated, thought "why this now, why didn't you try when it mattered?" Not that she was wanting to revisit the R, but I think when there aren't children, it's too hard to try to be friends.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it might be better for you to write the letter for yourself but don't send it. Ask DanceQueen - she posted about a letter she sent in order to help herself move on. I tried to do a search but it didn't show up.

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1701464 01/25/09 01:00 AM
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soulm8 Offline OP
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Lodo,

I plan on giving him the letter when I'm able to. I owe him an apology, especially now that I know what happened to me and can no longer blame him for the problems we faced.


Divorced: 03/11/08
soulm8 #1701788 01/25/09 06:13 PM
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Hi soulm8,

Thanks for the post on my thread. I am at that crossroads of trying to decide how to move forward, it can't stay the way that it is now.

What you have gone through with your H has a lot of similarities to DanceQueen's R with her ex-H. I will try to sent her your way as I think she may be able to help you.

Here is the link to her thread about her letter to her ex-H. I finally got closure

I hope this helps you.

Cinco

Cinco #1702466 01/26/09 06:47 PM
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Hi soulm8,

I am a lbs just like your XH. Was there anything that your XH did to make you realize your love for him? Did he just detach and give you time and space?
Thx, CZ


Keep the faith!!
One Goal!
Thanks
CZ
me: 34
XW: 29
D: 5
T: 13
M:9
Dday: Sep 18, 08
joint legal and physical custody of child
XW recently told me, she d me, cause she tought I would abandoned her!

cz946 #1703836 01/28/09 02:34 AM
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soulm8 Offline OP
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Hi CZ,

In all honesty, I'm quite sure he didn't have anything to do with my realization. He did completely detach and move on. It just took me about a year of very limited contact (to practically none) and dating other men, for me to realize how much I miss having him in my life and how truly compatible we were.


Divorced: 03/11/08
lodo #1703870 01/28/09 03:29 AM
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My apologies aoulm8 -
Butting in to ask a question of lodo.
Lodo,
What do you know of working for a PhD and divorce? It seems to be common. Isnt' that partly your sitch? Is there any research on it?
Thanks.


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
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soulm8 #1703880 01/28/09 03:42 AM
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wow, soulm8. You're almost my W.
I'm sorry how things turned out for you. Since I posted on your thread to ask lodo a question, I thought the least I could do was read your post.

I'm sorry for your sitch. I'm sure there is much, much more to the story, on both sides.

I guess you wouldn't be here if you didn't want some advice, or at least expect it :-)

Since he has moved on, you need to too. If you've started the DB books, you know about Getting a Life (GAL). Do it with a passion. If you need advice on what to do or how to do it, ask here.

You're not dying, you are probably growing. It hurts.

Continue to be a good friend to your ex, and sometimes being a good friend means not contacting them or talking to them. Practicce unconditional love for him.

Detach. Detach. and give yourself time to get over it and heal. OK, you'll never get over it, but you will feel better, and alive, again.

Now I better read the rest of what's here to make sure I didn't totally put my foot in my mouth.

take care


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
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