Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
LNMW,

Where are you? How are you doing? I have been stopping by frequently to see if you start a new thread since your other one locked up on Dec 21st. How were the Holidays? What is going on? I am praying "no news is good news"....


Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH"
Me: 62
W: 62
D:33 S:30 & 31
Married: 40 Years
BD: Sep 2006
Piecing: May 2007
2nd BD: May 2014
Working On It: Today
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Hey FaithfulH,

I'm still here. Sorry for taking sooooo long to post and update. I will post something later this evening as I have a lot to say. Overall, things are good but yesterday was rough - but I will go into details later today and as always, I look forward to whatever input you might have. Yeah, I was surprised that my old thread got locked.

Thanks

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Well,
Its definitely been sometime since I've posted about my situation. My wife is slowly bringing me into her world again. Over the Christmas break, she invited me over to have a Christmas dinner with her entire family (aunts, uncles, brothers, grandma and cousins). That was nice and I got alone well with them. Over the last two weeks, I've gone over to her brother's or aunt's house for dinner or just to have company. Several months ago my wife told me she wouldn't dare have me be with her family because she said they all hated me. So this is definitely a step forward.

We are talking more on the phone and/or texting each other a lot. It's almost become a ritual, but she calls me every morning while we are driving to work (I always look forward to it). Our talks for the most part are playful and about a variety of topics minus the relationship.

That said, I'm probably going to need a 4x4 with what I am going to say next. Last Sunday was the first time in a very long time that the topic of the relationship was brought up. Here's how it happened. I was with my daughter by myself in the morning when my wife called and told me that our daughter really misses me a lot and that I should do more one on one things with her more often. For whatever reason, I said that it would be nice if I could go over sometimes and play in our daughter's room with all her toys. My wife then responded that that is never going to happen because our daughter needs to recognize she has her place and I have my place to prevent any confusion. She then said that that was what was best for our daughter. I, being the idiot I was, told her that what was best was for our daughter to have both parents living in the same house.

Well, that opened a can of worms. She then went on a tirade and said that she would never get back with me after all I did to her. That she was not going to waste any years of her life. She then went on to tell me that she doesn't trust me. I responded by telling her that what I did was wrong but people do change. She then brought up the topic of how her father had killed her mom and how she would be stupid to give me a second chance. I then told her that she cannot allow what happened to her mom to control her and not have faith in people (for those who are new - her father murdered her mom in front of her when she was young). We then got off the phone.

Well, my daughter was with me the whole time I was talking to her on the phone and I absolutely lost it. I tried my best, but I started to cry a lot - I was just a mess. I was trying so hard not to show it in front of my daughter, but unfortunately just couldn't help it. My daughter kept asking me why I was crying and the only thing I could say was that daddy was sad at the moment. I was so depressed that entire morning and felt just hopeless.

Later that afternoon, my wife called me and acted as if nothing had happened. She was playful, calling me by my pet name and even invited me over to her aunt's house for dinner. It was as if our conversation never took place. Needless to say, I was really down for several days. Today was a lot better, but it definitely put a nice dent in my confidence level. Yesterday I felt like giving up and moving on. I'm glad I haven't, but it seems like this is getting tougher and tougher.

I miss my wife so much and have been doing my best to give it all to God. Right now, I guess I am feeling a little lost. I am going to keep pressing forward and fighting for our marriage, but it seems like in spite of what appears to be progress, my wife still doesn't seem to have developed any trust towards me. That hurts and lets me know that I have to be patient and let time/God do the healing. Today, while we were talking on the phone, she said something among the lines of - "so when you get married again, is your wife going to let you be nice to me." Stuff like that just throws me in a loop. I responded that "we'll just have to pretend that I'm being mean when she is around." What is a guy to say to something like that. I don't want to marry anybody but my wife.

Anyway, that is where I currently stand at the moment. Still feeling a little bummed about Sunday, but slowing getting out of it.


Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 01/08/09 05:37 AM.
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
Quote:
Later that afternoon, my wife called me and acted as if nothing had happened. She was playful, calling me by my pet name and even invited me over to her aunt's house for dinner. It was as if our conversation never took place.


Seems to me that you need to follow your W's lead this time....let it go. You have been doing great....and her trust is growing....but you're human...you messed up. Admit (at least to yourself) you made a mistake...and consider apologizing to her about making her uncomfortable. Leave it at that....it is up to her to open the door to her heart....you cannot force your way in. You're doing great!


Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH"
Me: 62
W: 62
D:33 S:30 & 31
Married: 40 Years
BD: Sep 2006
Piecing: May 2007
2nd BD: May 2014
Working On It: Today
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Thanks FaithfulH,

Okay - this is me ranting

Today my daughter was sick and my wife asked me to if I could take the day off and watch her at her new house. I was surprised that she wanted me to watch over our daughter at her place instead of mine, but I gladly accepted. I had to take our daughter to the doctor and do all the usual parenting tasks that are associated with taking care of a sick child. While my daughter was sleeping, I went ahead and cleaned my wife's bathroom and her room also, but didn't make mentioned of it to my wife when she got back. She was very appreciative that I took the day off from work to watch over our daughter and even offered to make me dinner. Later that evening I worked an Excel macro to help my wife with a project she is working on at her job.

For the past week or so, I've noticed that my wife will do stuff like tap me on hip with her finger and use her feet to touch like my side. Overall, she seems to be letting down her guard, although she still has a wall up as my last posted made clear. So I do feel like things are moving in the right direction.

That said, I feel really defeated right now. I feel like I have lost everything and that no matter what I do, I will never get my family back. I am really falling in love with my family all over again. I want to be able to pamper, provide, sacrifice and just be there for them. There is so much I want to give and offer to them - and yet it is up to my wife to decide if I will ever get that chance

It is as if God is using this situation to humble me. I am loving my wife unconditionally and that lately has been painful in the sense that I feel like a martyr. Like when all this is over, I would have given everything and end up with nothing. I truly want my wife to be happy and experience true love - even if that means having me out of the picture. Life is so much of a paradox. I know that the only way for me to have a chance is not focus on my emotional needs but on how I can love my wife without regards to my needs. I feel like I am going to explode right now.

And yet, this is probably where I need to be right now. This whole process has really taught me what love, sacrifice and overall what life is all about. It has been a type of furnace that has really removed a lot of selfishness and other vices out of my life.

Do you ever feel like forgiveness is not good enough? Like restoration is the only thing that can make life right. I think that is where I'm at. I feel forgiven, but that doesn't change the fact that my family is gone. I have been crying a lot these few days and really just giving it to God. I am approaching empty again and I am really in need for God to fill my tank up again.

Well, it is late - so I guess I will write latter.

Thanks

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,011
Quote:
It is as if God is using this situation to humble me. I am loving my wife unconditionally and that lately has been painful in the sense that I feel like a martyr. Like when all this is over, I would have given everything and end up with nothing. I truly want my wife to be happy and experience true love - even if that means having me out of the picture. Life is so much of a paradox. I know that the only way for me to have a chance is not focus on my emotional needs but on how I can love my wife without regards to my needs. I feel like I am going to explode right now.


LNMW,

This paragraph you wrote says it all.....you love unconditionally....BUT you have feelings that you may end up like a martyr. It IS a paradox....if we strive to do it in our own strength. In the end...we must lean on Him to fill the gap. This is about being trustworthy in every sense of the word. I remember reading in the book "How You Can Save Your Marriage Alone" that the author (Ed Wheat) said "you will need to be nearly perfect in your actions towards your spouse". Somewhere on these boards I read...for each and every mistake you make, you will need to have many positive interactions (I think the number posted was 10) to overcome the single mistake. Sounds like an impossible task, huh? You are doing it day by day. The tough part about trust is that you can only affect it by your investment of love.

Last night...as I was reflecting on the last 19 month of our life reconciling...2 wonderful Christmas holidays and New Years....I looked at my beautiful wife as she sat reading near our woodstove....and all I could think was God is so Good when we let Him do his work. I used to think that I had to emotionally drum up the angst and pain from our darkest days to make sure that I never fell back into my old ways that were largely responsible for getting us there....but last night I had this strong sense that God was taking away my ability to feel that pain....that His work related to that time in our life was done...that He needed us both to move beyond it. How does this relate to you? Well, I see your R from afar as better than 90% of marriages in America.....even in the midst of your D. Yeah, there are major things missing.....but, we ALL have that...things we wish we could change if we were God for a day....but, He is smart enough not to give us that control....and, in the end, would you REALLY want a W that came back to the R because of your control or manipulation. Your building up "trust points" every day...the authentic, from-the-bottom-of-your-heart, unconditional ones are the only ones that count. Keep practicing hearing God's voice....when you feel like quitting...or you have thoughts of stopping so that your W can love somebody else....realize that those thoughts did not come from God....unless the words came out of your W's mouth and these are her wishes, they came from the enemy who came to "kill, steal, and destroy" like a thief in the night.

I believe God is smiling on you tonight and I am so happy to be able to join in the moment! Your job is not done (and it may NEVER be) but He is proud of your faithfulness! Your love for your W and D overflows....that only happens when God is the source....keep tapping it, dear Brother!


Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH"
Me: 62
W: 62
D:33 S:30 & 31
Married: 40 Years
BD: Sep 2006
Piecing: May 2007
2nd BD: May 2014
Working On It: Today
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Well,
I have to admit that this past week has been really tough emotionally. I am missing my family so much and just been feeling lonely. At work I have been having a hard time concentrating. I have been spending time with friends for support and exercising, but I just feel an incomplete right now. I haven't been crying, but I do feel sad.

Yesterday I had to go to work and my wife text me saying that I should be with our daughter instead. I text her back and told her that I wish I was, but that I had a lot to make up at work. I felt like she was disappointed in me. The night before I had taken our daughter to the ER as she had a really high fever, but luckily it was just an ear infection. She is doing better now.

Right now, I just need to focus on making myself better. I cannot control how she feels. Like someone once said, DBing is more about saving yourself than saving your marriage (while I do want both to be saved).

Well, will chat latter.

Thanks

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Okay,
I am really down now. I wish I could just give up just for the sake of having some closure. I feel like my life is just one big failure. I am trying to press forward with my life, and yet it seems that no matter what I do, my past is ever before me. While I am not that same person, circumstance is there to remind me of who I was and how this situation is of my own doing. I know that I caused my wife so much pain, my daughter so much confusion. And in the end, I know that I deserve all this sadness I am experiencing. I've been DBing for a little over a half a year now, and it feels like only yesterday that I lost my wife. I am grateful for the progress that has been made. No one ever said this journey was going to be easy - so I have to be here for the long haul. I just wish this road was less bumpy. I wrote my wife a love note this morning that I know I can never give her, at least not now. So I will vent here.

"Dear Love,
God only knows the time and date, the exact location of where you are reading this. But no matter where you are, one thing remains - I still love you. You are my beautiful princess, the only person I want to share my life with - the only person worth giving it all to. You and our daughter are my everything. Above all, I want you to be happy, to be loved, to be everything God meant you to be. Anything great in life requires a sacrifice. But when you love someone, that sacrifice isn't a sacrifice at all, but rather a privilege. It is honor to demonstrate my love for you and our daughter. I hope that our hearts will be knitted together - that we will become truly one - never letting go of love. But no matter where you and I stand,the only thing that matters to me is that you and our daughter are truly happy, that all your dreams are true and that your life is filled with love. No matter where you are, I will never stop loving you, never stop believing, never stop wishing you all this life has to offer. "








Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
My wife's aunt died today of a heart attack. My wife called and asked for me to take her to the ER to see how aunt right before she past away. She was in tears and it made me think about how precious life really is. We only get one shot,one opportunity to make the most of what life has to offer and then we're gone. Ideally, we would make the right decisions the first time. Unfortunately, I was too immature to recognize how sacred life truly is - how it is so important to do the right things and to above else, love.

Right now I feel like this DB thing just isn't working. Like my wife is never going to come back no matter what I do. I don't know if the damage is repairable. I'm getting older and I don't want me life to count for nothing. And yet, I know that I must keep DBing, keep loving, keep doing what I'm doing. Hope always remains.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
LNMW, I think you are wrong; I think you must not listen to what your W says. Watch what she does.

Look how she has reinvolved you in her life. That is progress.

I hear love in your tone, but realize that six months is nothing in this situation. You may have to continue a year, two years, maybe even longer. You need to have consistently loving behavior, and i think you have.

But consider how long you were absent as well. To trust again, you need to be consistently available with consistently loving actions.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard