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Hey everyone! Happy New Year! I have so much to report, I dont know where to start! Sitch remains the same, but more in a mo. So at the end of the last thread now what? I said this...

Quote:
my ex went to Tenerife with 5 other guys, old friends, 3 or so weeks ago, including her H and also her BFF H, and my ex apparently talked alot on holiday to that H.. about.. ME!!...

My ex had one long conversation with this guy and the gist was..

- He cant believe how much better I am (dont know if that meant in myself, or healthwise??)
- He cant believe how different I am (WOW! He has noticed!)
- He cant believe how well we get on still
- He doesnt know what to do about me and he is confused
- This guy said that he seemed "in a mess" about it all

So..WOW! Its official! He is confused !! I wasnt so much doing 180's, more that I have actually changed, I have returend to the girl he fell in love with (more open, more sociable, happier).. and I dont get ill anymore.

BUT.. he didnt contact me when he got back, until he phoned Friday, the day before his skiing holiday.

So..his skiing holiday..with Helen...he went on the Saturday before Christmas. He said he was going with his brother B, SIL and "someone else", so I assumed he meant Helen. When they got to B's flat in France, he'd forgotton to pay the bills so there was no electric!! They couldnt stay there, it was bitterly cold all week and snowing (dont know if you can ski when it snows??), so they had to find a hotel...SIL is pregnant and would have been livid with B (I bet the atomosphere was terrible). The electric didnt get turned on until WEDNESDAY, Christmas Eve at which point they went to the flat at last.. but before that, B and SIL got all their stuff robbed at the hotel !! Laptops, cameras, cards, passports.. at this point, apparently they were all going to cancel the holiday and fly home as it was a "disaster" and such a nightmare time my ex told BMF.

So I dont know what effect all this had on him and Helen, or how they all got on, but it sounds like the worst holiday he ever had. B and SIL would have been argueing anyway, then the burglary and things must be VERY bad to want to fly back a day before Christmas!!! So it was far from the romantic break I feared !! J who told me all this, didnt mention Helen and I couldnt work out if she knew about her (she will now though, after the holiday?)



Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs
IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08
Reconciled 05/09 now married!
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Hello Princess!

I hope you had a fun time last night. Did you find some wonderful man to kiss?

Your sitch is taking some turns, so keep moving in the same direction you have been as BF is noticing.

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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Hi Rob! Yes, I did have fun last night! And the hangover to prove it. I had a brilliant time, I went out dressed as a pirate, with his BMF, G and fiance Cher. They both think the world of me, really want me and ex to reunite and talked ALOT about him all night, without me having to even ask.

I found out whats going on...he is not in love with Helen. G told me that he is certain that he is going to end it with her any day now, for me. He said, I cant promise, but he definetly going to dump her, I am certain...I dont know if my ex said this, or G just sees it that way. He also said that Helen was not nice at all, horrible and he keeps asking him what hes playing at and says to him "9 years, 9 years!!" and my ex agrees.

I asked G if he was saying these things about Helen out of loyalty to me, being nice, he said no, she is awful. He said she is "a gobby, mouthy, aggressive little sh*t" (blimey). I said my ex was a good person and I couldnt believe he would go out with someone so horrible.. he said, you dont get it do you, the Helen thing? He said ok I will tell you, but dont tell him I did!...my ex had said....shes dirty in bed. Great.

So there we have it ladies and gentlemen, oldest cliche in the book. He is weak, she is a b*tch, she's breaking his balls and he's miserable, but shes bouncing him off the ceiling.

I felt disheartened when I heard this and sad. We had no issues in that area (not from what he said anyway), but I was right, what I posted about his Pluto-Venus transit.. she is the archetypal predatory, sexual, bitchy, domineering Pluto-Venus figure, he is in hell, its unhealthy for him, it wont last, but the sex is great.

Apparently he has told G he doesnt feel like he can talk to me about it (not sure whether he meant our R, or what is going on with this Helen). I told G I wish he WOULD have talked to me.

Cher said she is the exact image of me.. same figure, build, slim but nowhere near as pretty. Again I said, are you just being loyal/nice to me and she said, no, she is really not attractive. She said the atmosphere was so bad both times they met her, that they want nothing more to do with her. I asked if she is nice to my ex at least and she said, no, not particularly.

G told me he phoned him yesteday and he was still in our hometown and sounded miserable. He doesnt know, but he would be surprised if Helen is with him back home, as he seems ashamed of her and reluctant to introduce her to people as his girlfriend. He said, when he was with me, whenever he phoned him, my ex always sounded happy and upbeat and he never does now when with her.

He said my ex has talked to him about it and he had this ageing thing, fear of dying/ageing, not being atractive anymore, its his last chance to pull someone, he knows it'll be too late soon (oh dear god!).

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So.. huge positives, but none of this has left me feeling good! I thikn I have lost respect for him too, for being so weak/cliched. Its kind of horrible, what he's done to us/me, for what? A roll in the hay (ok, a wild debauched roll, but still). And guys.. can you really go back, after this ? Once you have opened pandoras box ? But he's missing out on lots, real love, ML, respect, etc.

G advised me to surprise him, turn up at his door and seduce him, but I said I cant whilst he's with her. He told me to just phone him and flirt. They nagged me to text him, so I did at 11.50pm on NY Eve! I said...

"Happy New Year! x" and did a kiss as an experiment.

He texted back "Happy New Year Al! x" at 8.30 this morning. So, mirroried me, but better than nowt!

Anyone have any idea where I go from here??? I'm dealing with alot to weigh up. Should I wait and see whether he dumps her? Or do as my BFF said..tell him to meet me in a country pub, book a room upstairs and go for it...!? Hmm, dont think he would with ow still around.

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Wow, just realised his text contained a kiss! And he sent it sober, at 8.30 am! Thats only the third in the last year. The 2nd was on my christmas card. Is this something to get excited about (groan!)?..Jody would say so, she would say he flavoured his message with affection and he didnt have to do that. I've heard some pretty big revelations lately about what he's thinking, but they come at a time when we are barely in contact, so its hard to 'trust' in any of it. I've needed to 'download' here though today, thats obvious!

I feel our connection has faded slightly. I've had such little contact with him, I feel out of touch with him. But on the phone to his BMF he sounded miserable and didnt put on his front, so he cant be having a good time right now. I think I will maybe email him Monday, if he doesnt email me, to thank him for his present?

I made my New Moon wishes recently. I wished for news to show me I am right to keep waiting and hoping we could reunite, for news about him and her and for him to contact me.. all my wishes came true!

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Ali,

Not sure if I have ever posted to you before, but I gotta say, you sound really good. I don't have a lot of info on your sitch, but it sounds like you've been pretty dark for a while, something that is VERY hard to do. Trust me, I know. \:\) Also, your comment that he flavored it with affections, to me is huge.

My H left a VM for me today too, but there was no affection, just a pop from a champagne bottle in the background. Good luck!

poet

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Dear A,

I am so glad you had fun with your friends and went out dressed as a pirate! You are delightful!!

wow, what good news!!! This is really exciting!!!! um, if I heard anything nearly as encouraging in my situation I probably would be walking on air/puking with excitement.

i know that people in RL have sometimes very different ideas... but I would just stay cool for now. It sounds like he is REALLY conflicted, I mean at least about finding resolve to take action. So trying to seduce him would probably make him feel... like pants right now. It doesn't sound like it would actually be that much fun for him. Let him come to you!!! Seriously!!! Keep doing what you are doing!!! You are irresistable, right?? And be patient!! Just because he is ready to dump Helen doesn't mean he will show up on your doorstep by January 3rd. He probably SHOULD take some time alone after that to get his head back in order. Unless you want to be welcoming him home into your arms when he is a total friggin' mess!!

I think it's interesting what you said about feeling non-plussed by his behavior. I appreciate your honesty with yourself and with us, in that you shared that!

I might be totally off-base here, but i guess one thing I've noticed in your sitch, and maybe this has changed, is sometimes it seems like you don't have faith in him to pull through this journey on his own. I know it is a really fine line to walk with him sometimes sounding almost suicidal. Obviously you want to be there for him, and shelter and hold and guide him. But... don't you want to be with a man who wants to shelter and guide and hold his own self? And maybe he needs a chance to pull through and face his own demons and clean up himself inside? And then run home into your loving (toned and cute) arms? Do you hear what I'm saying here? I would say, give him some time to FIND his own strength.

And I really, really, really think you should read "passionate marriage"!!! what are you waiting for???

happy new year, ali! thank you for all your love and friendship this past year. (not to mention the silly eyeballs picture)!!

congratulations on your AWESOME WORK!!! feel encouraged and joyful!! and pat yourself on the back, and then, do a backflip!! in those new boots of yours \:\)
LOVE
TRANSFORMER

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I like your idea to email him to thank him for the present. that is something light and friendly for you to do. also, since you texted him and he texted you back, I think it is OK for you to contact him again after a few days. because the "friendly and light conversation ball" is in your court right now!!

(((((ali)))))
T

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(((((Ali)))))

I think T is right, you should read "Passionate Marriage". Start soon. From my experience it is not a quick or easy read. I'm nowhere near through it, it give lots of food for thought, so slow down your reading!

As far as what to do? I think it is time to keep doing what you are doing. Don't spook him by doing anything daring yet. I think he is finding you attractive as you are right now!

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Ali,

That is some great news. I would agree w/ T to thank him for the present as it would be the friendly thing to do.

Keeping it light and friendly is the way to go right now for you.

RTL


M:38; D: 6
Divorce Final: 10/6/08

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