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#1673950 12/15/08 04:27 PM
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I have been a silent observer - have read about a billion posts on here. Lots of really really good stuff. Have had very limited success with some of the tactics. Hard to do the "go dark" thing when you have two kids that you share - wife gets called into work, and I watch, etc. Anyway, here is my story. I'm completely open to advice at this point! I figured I'd give a little background, and then go chronological.

Background: wife was sexually abused from age of 5-11, 3 years by an uncle who also abused her sister. When he stopped, her sister took over. She also experienced a bunch of familial abuse - dad made fun of her for being flat-chested, she chipped her tooth, dad wouldn't fix, and made fun of. Mother never stood up for her, etc.

She got pregnant and had an abortion at 19 - into pot, dancing, partying, craziness. I met her, and she blew me off my feet. I grew up VERY religious, and after we got married, I started to push some of those traditions. It wasn't long after that I found a REAL relationship with God, but she has never let it go.

Anyway, fast forward to the problems.

August 2006 - says she wants divorce - abruptly gets incredibly cold, angry, resentful, bitter - curses at me, I make her sick, etc

Christmas 2006 - very loving/kind, warm

February 2007 - asks if we can "try again" - a week later, right back to angry vicious person

March - moves into another room in the house

April 2007 - files divorce

May 2007 - crawls into bed with me after a nightmare where our 6 year old kills herself. Asks if we can just stop the divorce - doesn't want to hurt kids, gets all excited and starts making plans for us to be together. About a week later - right back to the "alien"

Summer - great times, at the pool, eating together, talking, etc

Fall 2007 - starts schooling, very stressed

Christmas 2007 - her family (who she doesn't get along with) comes over, and she gives little hugs, pinches, smacks on the butt

January 2008 - agrees to counseling, goes to one session, and when the therapist says that we have to choose healing on our own, she won't go back.

February 2008 - says she needs to move out and have a "separation period" - we agree to 6 months

June 2008 - finally moves out, we agree on our own to the child support, etc

September 2008 - dismisses divorce, tells me that we should resolve things, not the court. Says that she would "never say never" to a relationship between us.

November 2008 - end of the 6 month separation - ask her if we can start with being "friends" - just get together as a family, play UNO, etc, see what happens. She refuses.

December 2008 - calls me to tell me that she wants to start dating someone, that she won't date me, that she needs someone who understands her, etc. She asks D8 and S6 to "let her" date - D8 is not dealing with it well. Also, she has now changed her mind about us working things out - I asked her not to date until we were divorced. Offered to do a dissolution, it would only take 30 days to finalize. She said dissolution "may not be her best option" - but she won't file divorce until she can afford it, which will probably be 2 years when she gets her RN degree.

That's my story - basically my current plan is to go dark, but it's hard when we are swapping kids every 3 days!

Any suggestions or comments? Very very happy to listen. \:\)


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JDOllie #1674346 12/15/08 11:21 PM
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I don't know if I can give the best advice but I feel for you. On the Divorce make sure that you tell her you understand why she feels that way but to start dating someone might not be in her best interest. This is hard to understand but she needs to be uplifted as well. Going dark can be done in this sitch. Just make sure you are the one who ends the conversation on a good note and end it when you feel it should. That is all I can think of but as I say I may not have given the best advice.


Nothing is lost if one person is willing to fight for it!

A man who never quits is never defeated! And I am not a quitter!
ramcharger #1675193 12/16/08 10:58 PM
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I appreciate it - the conversation thing is great, I've started doing that (ending on a good note), and I can tell a difference. Before she wouldn't even respond, now her last email was almost conversational.

I told her that I believe marriages should be respected, even if you didn't feel like it. I asked her what kind of lesson it would teach our children, but I told her that it was her decision.

Boy, I used to read about people having trouble going dark, and I would think, "Geez, just do it". Now that it's MY plan, I owe them an apology! It is not very easy.

Anyway, I have to talk about my D8 - W invited OM to dinner, and asked D8 and S6 if it was OK - D8 looked at her, and said, "Mom, no way! You barely know this guy!" Go baby! \:\)


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JDOllie #1675514 12/17/08 10:55 AM
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JonF,

Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join!!! I wanted to offer some hugs and support. You will get a lot of that here. The greatest part is that every feeling you have, every thought, someone else here has felt and thought. You are not alone!!!

I appreciate your post on my thread last night. I don't know if you've followed my sitch, but I've been having some really great days and been feeling really good. Then, yesterday! It was the worst day I've had in I don't know when. So, thanks for stopping in with your "darkest before the dawn" comment...needed that last night!

In my opinion, the hardest part of any of our sitch's is detachment. And, even after you think you've done it, they do something crazy and suck you right back into caring too much about their actions. I tried "dark" for a while. It didn't work for me...I still have to interact daily because of the kids, and I didn't really know how to be "dark." In the end, what really has helped me is just getting a life of my own...having other things to do...other people to spend time with.

It sounds like your wife needs professional help. Unfortunately, you aren't even in a position to suggest that without making her angry. I think the best you can do is keep moving forward with your life as if she won't be part of it all the while praying that she'll find the help she needs to make herself whole.

Are the kids with her most of the time? I know how tough that has to be. As you likely gathered from my sitch...protecting the kids from this horrible business is so tough even if they live with you.

So, what kinds of things do you like to do? Do you have a hobby? Do you have close friends nearby?

I'll be following along and rooting for you, and I'll be praying for you and your family.

Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Amy M #1676075 12/18/08 12:46 AM
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Amy - I have just started on your sitch as well. Your post really struck me, so I just jotted a note last night. I like to read every post, so I can speak intelligently.

I have the kids Friday afternoon through Monday night - 50%/50% - so that is awesome. I can't understand men that are happy with every other weekend.

Anyway - I'm embarassed to admit that I need to practice the GAL. I own my own booming computer/web/programming business, so that's the extent of my hobbies.

However, I'm trying - I started working out, and have lost 13 pounds. I'm getting roller skates for my kids, and we are starting that up. Also, just joined the YMCA, so come on pool!

As far as going dark - I even practice it together. W came over to pick up kids past Monday, and she normally is only here for 15 minutes. Kids and I had gone to my folks, and I had been dark Sat, Sun, and Mon. She came in and stayed for hour and a half - was all chummy and cheery. Heh, I went upstairs, put away laundry, etc while she was hanging out with kids - probably for 30 minutes. Ended up probably saying 10 words to her - I was cordial, but distant.


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JDOllie #1676215 12/18/08 04:19 AM
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Evening, Jon! I hope you had a good day. Mine was much better than yesterday!!!

Glad you have the kids this weekend...that makes things so much nicer. I try to stay busy when mine are away, but I miss them so much!!!

As for the GAL...well, everybody's different. I need to be around people all the time...so, I made it a rule not to turn down an invitation to anything. And, I haven't. Some of the things I've done haven't been all that much fun, but I've met some interesting people along the way.

You might have to force yourself a little at first, but, I think it's key to keeping your PMA.

I think things are much easier for me now that my H doesn't come to the house at all. When he was here...it was always a little awkward.

You posted on my thread about the ultimatum...did you mean you just gave it today? How do you feel about it? It was a very strong stand...I think it was good. It took me so long to make one...but, I felt so good once I did.

You and me are gonna both be fine...better than fine, Jon!!!

I'll check in with you tomorrow...sleep well.

Hugs!
Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Amy M #1676637 12/18/08 06:47 PM
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Yep, I'm lucky - I have the kids 3.5 days of the week, and keep them when they are sick, when W wants to work - I own my own company so have some flexibility.

I gave my ultimatum last Monday - week and a half. Since then, nothing has been said, but I get kids back on Friday, and they tell me everything. \:\)

Glad you're doing better - I was doing great last night, and got a punch in the stomach today. My kids attend a private school (nothing swanky) and the administrator called and left a message for W saying the letter she requested was ready. I'm just worried - I pay ALL the bills, including the school bill - and I can't imagine what she'd need from them, except maybe a financial statement to try and use in court. She thinks public school is "good enough" - but our schools around here stink.

Anyway, we'll see!


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JDOllie #1676717 12/18/08 08:09 PM
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P.S. Amy - I'm doing a great job at going dark. My idea to show that I was still committed to the marriage, but not taking any crap, was to leave up pictures of us on vacation, etc. My wife painted a picture of the two of us hugging, and it hangs in our entryway. I know you took wedding rings, took pictures, etc - did you take everything down


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JDOllie #1676746 12/18/08 08:49 PM
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I took my ring off when I confirmed that OW was leaving her H and moving here. I left the pictures up. I did eventually take them all down. But, I waited for a while. I gave him time to see that I still thought of us as married...that he was still part of the family. He didn't seem to notice when I finally did remove them, but, then again, he hasn't been noticing a lot of what I do for a long time!!!

I think it's fine to leave them up. Every thing has it's time. You may find that after a while you just don't want to have them there anymore...or, she may find that she likes them and wants to come home so she can see them everyday! Who knows.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things as far as I know. Have you set DB goals for the R, and are you noticing progress towards those goals?

Don't worry about the call from the school. You can't control it, so don't waste energy on it. Although, since the call came to your house, you do have every right to ask about it, I think.

Take care of yourself and those kids!!!

Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Amy M #1676786 12/18/08 09:45 PM
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Funny you ask - I have been floundering the last 3 months, and it's mostly because of not having any goals, or anything like that - i.e. going dark, etc.

I set one very simple goal two days ago: having dinner together as a family. We used to do it ALL the time - like 2-3 times a week, and she has completely stopped it.

So, back to you, I've missed exactly your status - couldn't find it. Are you actually in divorce proceedings?


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