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#1680260 - 12/24/08 07:32 AM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10879
Hi Jon, I sort of met you over on AmyM's thread. I'm Sandi and I was an almost WAW. I am concerned that unless your wife receives professional help for the abuse she suffered growing up that she is not going to find the peace and stability that she needs to maintain a R with anyone. Why would she not go back to see that counselor after just one visit, did she say? I think she needs somebody higher up than just a "counselor" for her problems, but you can't force her to go. If you decide to stand for your M, you are in for a bad rollercoaster ride. If you "drop the rope" then you may be able to move forward and find peace for yourself and try to give the children some type of stability. That would be my concern......as I can see that the children ARE your concern that they do have stability in their life. That is very, very hard to do under these circumstances where they are getting shifted around every three or four days. I don't know the laws in your state, but do you think you could get full custody of the children? I know that it is popular now days for D couples to do the "co-parenting" thing, but I don't know how children would ever feel "settled" moving back and forth every few days. I understand though, that the parent that would just get them on weekends would feel cheated and I may be thinking very old fashion, it's just that I feel so badly for the kids these days. I can't imagine being a child and going back and forth between two houses all the time.

Well, I apologize. I sure did not make you feel better by expressing MY feelings, did I? I know this is killing you and I can tell by your posts that you try to take special time with the kids and that they are important to you. That is one thing I have noticed here on the DB board about so many dads.....their children ARE the most important thing to them, whereas years ago it was just kind of "understood" that the W would have the kids to raise and the dad would just see them every other weekend......which certainly is not enough. In a case like yours where the mother is the one that is very unstable, she certainly does not need to have full custody. So, I don't know what the best answer to that would be. It is just hard any way you look at it.

Jon, I wished I had good advice for you, but all I know to say at this point is to continue to study (not just read) the DR book, read the threads here on the board and post to others so you will get aquainted with them and it will build up your support group. You will be surprised how that will give you strength. You will make friends here if you give it a chance. You can come here and vent or journal anything you want. It's a good idea to tell us that is what you are doing if you are venting and don't want advice (lol) or you may get it. But, if you are seeking suggestions or advice and if any of us know what to say, we will do our best. If we don't know.....well, you will know that we are here in your corner.

Do you have a plan in motion? There are more than one way of approaching your DB plan of opperation. I gathered by scanning over your posts that you are trying to go dark, but as you said, that is hard to do switching the kids back and forth, but you can certainly "detach"!

This is Christmas Eve morning and I can't believe another year has rolled around. I have told some others what my New Year's resolution is going to be......and I realize you don't know me, so you won't really understand the reasons behind mine, but this can apply to anyone in any stitch. I will invite you to join me in the same resolution.....and that is that I resolve to be the best I can be and do the best I can do under whatever circumstances come my way. You know, if we are the BEST we can be......that is ALL that we can be.....what more could be expected?

I wish you well, Jon. I hope you will have a Merry Christmas in spite of your circumstances and just stay focused on what Christmas is all about and not be consumed with your stitch. Try to do this for the kids.

I hope you will visit me. I am over in the "Piecing" forum under Sandi is in Piecing and Things are Gtting Better.

Take care,
Sandi
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1680505 - 12/24/08 02:09 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
Prolly venting/journaling to myself. A mixed bag of feelings today.

1. First Christmas without D8 and S6
2. Stood up to W today - I had kids until 2:30pm, and she texted at 11:30am wanting to come get them. I said, "I'm really enjoying spending time with them, and since it's the first time we won't be spending Christmas together, I want to be with them as much as possible." Then I said she could get them at 2:00. \:\)
3. Took D8/S6 to Bob Evans, sort of a tradition. Invited W to come, said we are leaving in 15 minutes, and left. She came but it was HORRIBLY AWKWARD. I was smiling, told her funny story about S6. She didn't eat anything, and left when the food came. Made a big deal about how she just came to see kids while they had lunch with Daddy.
4. She came to pick up kids just now, and didn't even look at me. Didn't wish Merry Christmas, didn't even say goodbye, really didn't say anything, wouldn't come past the front door. I'm very proud because I didn't say anything either - I was polite and friendly at the restaurant and she was nasty. She's probably mad that I didn't roll over and let her come get kids early, I'm loving it! I would NEVER have stood up to her before! \:\)

Cool thing is that I realize that either I'm getting to her, or she is a heartless robot, and either way, I win! Hah!

OK, now I got that out of the way, putting PMA back in place, and heading to parent's house to have a good time!
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#1680566 - 12/24/08 03:52 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{{Jon}}} So good for YOU that you did that, telling her that no you wanted your alloted time, even offering to let her come with you guys to lunch..that was nice..

I hope you have a great time at your parent's house!! \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
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#1680593 - 12/24/08 05:07 PM Re: My Story [Re: Tawnya]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10879
Yey!! You must stand up to her just like that! She won't like it....but that is beside the point (lol). She has to respect you....that is a must! If she is allowed to walk on you...then she won't respect you. Respect comes first....the admiration. You want both. Next time it is your turn to have the kids under these circumstances, I don't think I would invite her along and if she should ask why....then simply tell her that you did not like her manners the last time. Always speak in a calm voice b/c that shows control. She is trying to push your buttons and make you lose control. She tested you when she called wanting the kids early to see if you would cave. Good for you!! A+

Keep up the good work.

Sandi
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1680607 - 12/24/08 05:29 PM Re: My Story [Re: sandi2]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
Thank you so much for your comments Sandi! I'm also very torn on the co-parenting thing, and you voiced my concerns. The kids are settling in pretty well, and for what it's worth, W and I have been pretty good about keeping schedules, and being very fair. Kids love W, and I don't want to keep them away.

She is truly doing some regrettable things, but so far it is the just the D, EA, etc, that are hurting them by proxy - and she has completely insulated herself from the truth of those hurts.

Anyway, she went to a counselor like 5 times - and pronounced herself healed.

I have switched from going dark to detaching, and I have just detached about 5 days ago, so the hard times are a'comin! I'm steeling myself for them, but am committed completely. I'm already starting to see W getting disgruntled the couple of times I've stood up to her, so, we'll see!

I'll definately get over and catch up with you!
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#1680612 - 12/24/08 05:38 PM Re: My Story [Re: Tawnya]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
Hah, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

W's parents think I'm awesome, and love me to death. I haven't been in communication much with them due to all of this crap, and I called today and wished them a Merry Christmas.

W is extremely paranoid - thinks everyone is talking about her (guilty?) \:\)

I texted her, and just said that I had called them, and didn't want her to be paranoid.

She texted back, "Don't do that".

So I said, "I did do it, and I will continue. I think alot about your parents, and they are my children's grandparents."

Then I said, "I don't mean to sound harsh, and I understand that you may feel uncomfortable with it, and I hope you are able to find peace with it."

HAHAHAH, doing what I WANT to WHO I want, WHEN I want, and being drippy sweet about! Only thing that could get better is if my kids out her to her parents about the OM. They would flip out!

I'm going off singing right now! \:\)
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#1680626 - 12/24/08 06:21 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
SingleDad Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/08
Posts: 365
Loc: Western New York
JonF - I too am finding this time of year rough.

I had similar situation as you. I asked my W in August - For my birthday I wanted to go out to dinner as a family. She went - but was as uncomfortable as heck. I also think she hated that my D3 was so attached to me and avoided her. Needless to say W was out of there quickly.

Only other time together was the day after Thanksgiving - helped decorate the xmas tree - she was also very uncomfortable. And was very critical of me the whole time.

I mentioned to her 3 weeks later how critical she was and that since you walked out, I can raise my daughter the way I think is best.. If you want me to raise her to your liking, then we need to do it altogether as a family. She yelled out "well then I'll never spend time together if you don't like it".... In actuality she is with OM and uses any excuse she can.

When W has OM - There is nothing that can be said to change the situation.
_________________________
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3
T:7.5/M:4
D Day: 1/24/08
Legal Separated: 6/12/08
BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08
Suspect BF pre-dates D Day

http://tinyurl.com/Original-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Second-thread
http://tinyurl.com/Third-thread


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#1680650 - 12/24/08 07:27 PM Re: My Story [Re: SingleDad]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{{Single}}} I agree, it seems any excuse will do, like "oh, the wind is blowing from THAT direction..ok, well that just won't do" LOL..

I hate the awkwardness of it all..just posted on my thread about us going to dinner as a fam tonight and the awkwardness of that..blah!

{{Jon}} Totally love that you are doing so well and it sounds like you are handling things perfectly..esp if you get an A+ from Sandi \:D

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1680668 - 12/24/08 08:10 PM Re: My Story [Re: Tawnya]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
And another good point - I invited W, and she came. Although it was pretty sucky, it was my goal. "Have dinner/lunch together as a family."

Goal accomplished, considering that she would have instantly turned down an invite.

My next goal: "Completely detach and allow W to initiate a friendly conversation - I'm sure any such conversation would start with kids, but I want to see it segue. I don't care if we talk about the birds..."
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#1680685 - 12/24/08 08:38 PM Re: My Story [Re: JDOllie]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Jon..good point to look at the positive side of that, and remember SHE was the one who was awkward, not you..that says something \:\)

Jon, I remember when I decided that I wasn't going to ask my husband ANYTHING and to make him start a convo with me, it was so interesting, we went 2 days (remember we were are in the same house) and I would go into my room when he got home..well after 2 days he comes into the room and starts to tell me some stuff that he didn't have to tell me and he left and I was like "whoa..that does work" LOL

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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