I have mixed feelings about the Christmas get together. I did Thanksgiving lunch, and it was soooo awkward. I just told him when he left..."Thanks for coming. I won't invite you again."
If you can do it without the rest of his family...just you guys and the kids, that might be okay. It's really about what's best for you and the kids right now. What you can handle emotionally.
On the email notes...when he decided he didn't want to be married to you, he gave up the right to know what you are doing, thinking, planning, etc. So, you don't owe him that any longer. He needs to begin to see what D looks like. It doesn't look like you being concerned about his reactions to your emails etc. Just keep that in mind as you prepare to respond next time. How much information do you really need to give? So what, if he thinks your tone is not friendly, etc.? It's hard to draw the line...I know. I still struggle with it. But, I'm working on it. And, I'll point it out to you too just because it's easier for me to see in your sitch than it is for you!
Hope your little one gets better quickly.
Hugs to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
It makes sense about not giving too much info so he sees what D looks like. I think the small glimpses that he has been getting he hasn't really liked because they didn't fall into his master plan of becoming friends.
I don't think I will do Christmas Eve because I stood my ground and said no and so I don't want to backtrack again. It will continue to make me look wishy washy as usual. I would have prefered it me just us but it won't so I will have to let this one go.
He is supposed to be at the house today. I can't say that I am looking forward to seeing him. I am going to try and avoid him as much as possible. I do have a few errands I can run after work so I won't have to come home right away. But its just one of those days when I would love to come home and crawl in bed and watch tv all night. But I can't!!!
Just be prepared for me to be venting all day tomorrow. I can only imagine that I may lose it a few times.. I just want to get through tomorrows anniversary and then work on the holidays. I can not wait for 2009!!! It has to be a better year!!!!!
We fly in on the afternoon of the 31st and return on the 3rd! My friend is an avid runner. She wants us to do the 1/2 marathon on the 1st at 10:00 am. Don't know if I'll be up for that or not...depends on how much fun we have on the 31st!
It will be crazy!
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
That sounds like a great time. I would love to get together with you sometime, and Vegas would be awesome, but the more I think about it I would have to leave on the 1st b/c I would have to be back to work on the 2nd. I have off all next week and I won't be able to get time off the week after.
Maybe we can plan another weekend and meet up sometime.
I realized that we can't email because he takes things wrong. We can't text...because the words are only viewed the way each of us wants to take them and we certainly can not talk to each other right now.. so how do we communicate????
That old saying that sometimes "less is more" is what needs to be used as a guide here. The communication is what gets the two of you into battle, so just avoid the communication. You could not accomplish anything when you were trying to talk things out about the MR, and you are not going to accomplish anything right now except more hard feelings. That is tough to hear, sweetie, but it is something you have to discipline yourself about.
Here's the thing. He is use to telling you what is what. As Amy pointed out....he has given up those rights to tell you that or to even know what your plans are. It amazes me how many H's have expected to have their W's--who they have told that they do not want to be married to any long......go to his family to have a "group" Christmas. At Thanksgiving.....it was that way then. So, what is up with that? They wanted out, right? They wanted a divorce.....okay, then give them a good taste of it. That is the way a D family had to do it...no more family get toghers. That is not fair in any sense of speaking to expect a wife that he does not want to be married to ....to show up at a big get togher at the relatives for a big celebration. What does he expect? That everything will be like it use to be and then when it is over, it's good-bye charlie?
Maybe it is to take the pressure off of him where his family is concerned.....you think? He has been totally selfish in everything else, so why would he be any other way now? You can bet he isn't thinking of you.....or even his kids that he may have the gall to use as his excuse and make you feel guilty for not going. It is for his sake and his alone.
Quote:
I stood my ground and said no and so I don't want to backtrack again.
Then don't do it, Kristi. Listen, you felt empowered when you made your decision....right? So, why listen to him now? You are not his child nor his property. You do not have to "mind" him. He is use to you hopping when he says frog. Show him that you have a mind of your own and he no longer will control your will. Continue to stand, girlfriend. You are woman....hear you roar!! If he is deaf....then roar louder. By that, I don't mean to yell, but stand you ground even more firmly. Don't give in to those temptations to communicate.....stay the heck away from those emails. That is what is bringing you down! Don't TM or phone or anything. I understand about the deal with the ring....okay? But answer me this......did you just have to know? Was it a matter of life and death to email him to find out if he had it right that minute? You see, it is those things that you have to learn to tell yourself, "No, it can wait. I don't have to contact him right this minute." You see, if he wanted to ask about the ring.....he would have. Instead, he was sneaky about it and went behind your back and never said a word. Perhaps that was his underhanded way of getting at you or seeing if you would notice or to contact him. I see that as sneaky and controlling. There was something you said about how he kept saying you had not answered question X that made me see him as the type of man that would needle a person to death by the way he just kept after you to keep on answering one question after the other....and most of them you have been over before.....until he just wears you completely down. Am I close or have I just pictured him all wrong?
So, act as if it does not bother you. Notice I said act "as if" it does not bother you b/c there will be things that do. You must present yourself as being tough on the outside in front of him. Later when you are alone, you can collaspe. Do not allow him to control this situation. You takie charge of your life and act as if you could care less about what he does with his. That is "droping the rope" and that is the only hope left in opening his eyes to what he will lose. He won't feel that he has lost a thing if you show up at mom & pop's place for Christmas. See what I mean? He needs to feel the pain here. He needs to see you strong and in control. That will be the biggest 180 that you could probably do to get his attention. When your self respect knocks him out of his socks.....I want to hear all the details. Make that knocking him out of his Christmas stockings.....lol.
Kristi, Tawnya, Wifey, Amy, Babygirl, LHS......all of my sweeties.....this is not going to be a picnic for any of you. It will be a test to get through this holiday season. A test of your survival, poise, self control, strength and faith. But, I have all the convidence that each of you will make it. Yes, you will feel like you are in a "funk" as Tawnya said......but that is only natural. You all were on a "high" b/c of the decisions you made. It always seems that after a personal victory in our lives that we get a test. So, look at the funk as a test and fight that thing. Don't beat yourself up and be disappointed in yourself and think you failed. You didn't! These are the baby steps that you have to learn how to take in order to start walking the big walk of confidence. How I wished I could keep you from falling and having to lean this hard walk on your own......but you will walk.....and it will be tall and gracefull, just like a queen. All of you should feel that way about yourselves. Let that be a gift to yourself.
Love you, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
{{Sandi}} Thank you my friend for the pep talk for all of us..I will have to post on my thread how I "blew it" this evening with hub..but..oh well..it's done now and nothing I can do but go forward
{{{Kristi}}} Hope you are well my friend..how are ya?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Tomato...It a crappy place in my neck of the woods..rainy/sleety/cold...why don't you give me an early xmas present and say GO IRISH for me
Sandi & Tawnya..thanks for checking in on me. I have been a little down today as it is my 10 year anniversary today. But honestly I am not as sad as I was yesterday.
Yesterday I just blew it. I was so upset just thinking about today that I ended up with this HUGE headache. Then when I came home my H was here to see the kids. He took them out for a little but then stopped back to get some of his stuff. I tried to be really cool about it, but he just looked at me and said..Are we clear about you not touching my stuff anymore...I just walked away.
I know this is his controlling nature. I was trying to be helpful by getting some of his stuff together for him. I guess he didn't like it. So now he keeps saying hands off everything. I said, well most of this is "our" stuff and so as we go through it and decided what you are taking then I can touch it and put it in a pile for you. He actually said well if it looks like it is already mine, do not touch it. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't understand. I said what is the problem. I am not trying to hurt your things, ruin them or disrespect you in anyway. I am just trying to help you...He wanted none of that.
As I watched him clean out some of his stuff, I just started to cry. I couldn't help but think he was just throwing out the last 10 years of our life together. I cried so hard yesterday I couldn't stop. Nothing I did would stop the tears. I walked away, but felt foolish because I didn't want to give him that satisfaction but I already did.
After he left I continued to cry all night. I had to run around picking up my kids from practices last night and I still couldn't stop crying. I actually thought I was losing my mind. I would have gotten on here, but my head hurt so bad I couldn't see straight. I picked up my son from b-ball around 9pm and could barely drive home as soon as I walked in the door I threw up. I think I might have freaked my kids out a bit, but they just think I was sick and didn't feel good.
I woke up feeling better, and I didn't have any contact with my H today. He said he would call but I told him not to bother. I didn't see the point in it. We don't have anything to talk about and today is sad enough.
Sandi..here is how I would describe my H ..he can be very calm and almost emotionless. So in most of these crazy situations he doesn't show too much emotion which I think drives me more crazy. He seems very hard. Heartless almost. But I know he isn't. I think I have tried to break him sometimes but it hasn't worked. I think sometimes I may take it too far and say mean things just to see if he will break. i know it is wrong but he is so stone faced and non feeling that I don't know what is going on inside of him. I think I would describe him as very business like. Like I have said before, in work he excells. He is driven and he can manage people like no one I know, but in his personal life he can't. I think he gets the two areas confused. I feel like he always tried to treat us like employees sometimes and manage us. I don't know if he can seperate the two. He does have to have things his way, but if you tell him this he will dispute this to the ends of the earth. He is stubborn as hell.
I was talking with someone about him and I said he puts out an err of confidence like noone I know. Not conceit just confidence. He is very independent and self sufficient. But the more I look at him and think about the way he acts I think he isn't as confident as he seems to think he is and portrays himself to be. He doesn't have the confidence in himself to believe that R can improve and that he can make a positive change. He is forever blaming me for something but doesn't even remotely see that. He truly believes he has been the most accomodating person.
Well...I have talked enough.. I am going to play some poker now. Tawyna...I will check your post later and check in on you. I hope you are okay..we all blow it now and then.!!!!
I hope everyone has a great night. And I will talk to you all later.
