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Kristi...I thought I'd pop in and see how you are doing. Good thing I got here before Puppy...he might blast you for your last post!!! So, I'll offer some hugs and love in case you need them to make it through his post!!! You are still feeling sorry for yourself, and he won't like that.

First off, have you had a chance to read any of the other sitches here on the board? If not, you should read some of them. Almost every WAS says the words your H said about not having anymore to give and about not seeing anyway to make the marriage work. And, it's very common for the WAS to actually say that you'd be better off with the D! So, believe none of what he says...none of it!

Secondly, you can't stop DBing, cause I'm not sure you have even started it! Probably 2 of the most used techniques described in the book are the "stop chasing" and the GAL techniques. Unless I'm missing something, you haven't really done either of those! You are still engaging in R talks with your H on a regular basis. In fact, it appears that you are initiating most of the R talks. He still feels like you are pursuing him. That makes him want to run harder.

And, I hear you mentioning some goals for Kristi, but I haven't seen you post any yet!!!

I'm not being harsh, I'm just pointing out that you might should look at the book again and really think about applying the techniques described. The one thing I can promise you that will come out of that is that you will be in a healthier place in less time than you will be otherwise. I personally can attest to that!!!!!

The other thing that might happen, is that once you are in a healthier place, your H might think, "Hey, look at Kristi. Wow, I want some of what she's got." If that happens, great! If it doesn't, that will be fine too. Remember, you'll already be healthy without him!

Just keep hanging in there. Know there are many, many people here who have been in your same shoes recently! And, know that we will all get through this to a better place soon.

Hugs to you!!!

Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
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Kristi,

What Amy said.

THOUSANDS of marriages have been saved by these techniques. What makes you think yours is so unique???

Puppy

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Amy and Puppy,

Thank you both sooo very much. I had a coaching session today also with my DB coach and coupled with your post. I won't give up. Amy you are so right that as much as I believed in my mind I was trying to fix marriage I had not actually done any DB yet. I would start and quickly slip back into old habbits. R talk is my WORST enemy.

I will not let the hope die yet. What I need to do is find a way to chanel the anger and resentment that I have developed over the past few weeks. I believe alot has stemmned from the sleepless nights with my D and him not having to deal with that. Also just having to drive my kids around all over. I don't mind taking them places. It my job I know. But for instance this upcoming weekend I had plans to go to a party..I am still going but I thought it was going to be MY weekend. I was going to just let loose and have a great time, but my H managed to screw that up in my mind...you see my son has b-ball games sat and sun. And I had asked H to take care of kids this weekend. It is also my S weekend to see his biological father. He lives 1.5 hrs away. My H said he would take care of kids but S would have to miss game on sunday b/c he was taking D to a birthday party. Then he said wll what is his arrangement with his dad..His real dad has to work b/c of holidays so he actually will not be going to his house, but before I found that out, my H was so mad that there wasn't a plan he said you take care of S, I am not dealing with that anymore. So that I did. Now my S will be staying home and I have to find someone to watch him. I was planning on staying in a hotel Sat night after the party but now I have to come home b/c I have to get my S to his game Sunday.

I am so angry that he does this to me, because when it is his weekend to go away no one bothers him. He just goes and has a great time. So unfortuantely the anger comes out in our phone conversations. I have to find a way to chanel that. I wish I had a punching bag in the house bC I have the boxing gloves just not a bag..and I could do wonders on a bag right now!!!!


Of course my H is now saying he will take care of our S and he is sorry, but it never should have gotten to that point. I had already changed my plans and canceled reservations.

So I will re-read and take to heart.

As far as goals here they are:
1. Stop calling my H.
2. Limit communications to emails and texts
3. Get myself back to the gym (3x a week until I can fit daily into schedule)
4. Go to happy hour at least 2x a week with co-workers just to get out and be social.
5. Read a book a week..other than a relationship saving book.
6. Eventually look for a new job!!
7. Most importantly..spend more quality time with my kids.

If anyone has any suggestions with the books to read..I would love to hear them.


Thanks
Kristi


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
Bomb 2/9/08
Divorce filed 10/17/08
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Kristi!!!

So, glad to hear you sounding better. I hope your PMA is continuing!!!

The list of goals looks good...just be careful not to bite off more than you can chew...otherwise, you might get discouraged instead of staying motivated.

How are you doing on not calling your H?

As for books, what kind did you have in mind...spiritual, just for fun, etc.?

Do you have any plans for the weekend? My kids and I are having a "movie" night tonight. We are setting up the air mattress in the den and we are gonna all lounge there and watch movies and eat popcorn! The boys are so excited...it's amazing how even the simple things...like actually sitting down with them to watch a movie of their choice in the den...can mean so much.

Check in so I know how you are!

Hugs to you!
Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
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Amy,

This is the weekend I am going to the Holiday party with my friend. I am pretty excited about it.

As far as PMA..not so sure how that is holding up. I am looking forward to doing things for myself, but I can not get rid of this anger that is building inside me. For some reason over this past week it has gotten worst. I think this is why....I feel as if the entire year I spent trying to make things work. I spent my time and energy trying to find ways to fix things and look for the positives in our relationship. I know I haven't always been the best at keeping the changes going and more that a few times I have backslid into old habbits. However, I feel like my H spent the time looking for ways just to justify why he should leave.

When he says he tried, I feel like he did try...what he tried to do was find every opportunity over the year to validate and justify is reasoning for wanting to leave. Everytime we got to close he would pull away again. When it looked like we were on track then he would back off. Looking back I don't think he ever wanted it to work. I think he was really scared. He needed it not to work, because that would make him right. He had to be right. He always has to be right. So if he could take every argument, every failed attempt, every backslide, every little tid bit he did it and he would say...see this is why..and now he says he spent the year trying to validate he reason for saying he wanted a divorce back in Feb.

That really angers me. That makes me feel like all the work I was doing he was purposely trying to sabatage it because he only was looking for reasons to justify why we shouldn't be together not why we should.

So lately I have more anger toward him then I ever have. I feel like he was a coward and a liar and although we both contributed to the breakdown of our M in the end he failed us.

Granted I realize I didn't do the best as far as DB went. And so I guess I did give him some reasons to feel that things wouldn't change, but I gave him many to believe they did and would. And he looked past all of those.

I don't want to hate him, I dont want to be angry. It makes me feel like an ugly person, but I don't know how to let it go. I want to explode just thinking about it. I want to email him and tell him all the things I am feeling. I want him to know how much he has hurt me and how much I think he is a quitter and a coward.

How do I just let that go and work on myself and forget about him???


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
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T:12 yrs
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Divorce filed 10/17/08
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AMY.

btw...Have a great time with your kids. Mine love to do the same with the air mattress and movies.
Let me know what movie you watch we are always looking for something good.

As far as books. I think I am at the point of anything that isn't self help. I have read so many self help and am also buying a few more...hopefully soon I will actually get in the habbit of practicing some of these...
so unless you have a really great one that you feel really made an impact I just want to read anything that can take my mind off my R and my problems and put me in a world of fiction and fantasy!!

Have a great weekend. I will let you know how my party goes. I am hoping that there will be a slew of single men there.


M:35
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T:12 yrs
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Divorce filed 10/17/08
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Kristi!!!! The party will be so much fun...just getting to dress up a little and go out without the kids. If there aren't a slew of single men that might even be better! The single ones aren't safe for you right now!!!

The anger...wow! That one's tough. I prayed and prayed and still pray about mine. I had an incident this week that brought all the anger back for a little bit. But, the best news was that I got over that pretty quickly and back to my good place.

What I try to recognize about my H is that he really is not thinking straight. Dealing with him is like dealing with the kids now...they don't think rationally like I (at least I hope) do. He doesn't think rationally either anymore. I can't stay mad at the kids long because I recognize their limitations. While I can't explain my H's limitations (there's no reason he should have them), if I recognize he has them, it's easier not to be so angry.

For the longest time (and even this week), I kept expecting him to behave like I thought he should...like a reasonable adult male, a father, a husband. And, when he didn't, I'd be infuriated. You do get to a time when you stop expecting that. Then you are not disappointed so easily.

My H did what you describe yours doing. In August of 2006 he came home one day from fishing with friends and was mad at me. I didn't know why. When I pushed, he said we were just too different and that made things hard. I don't know what prompted that, but I spent some time making a list of all the things we had in common and all of our "complimentary" differences. I even did list big differences so he would see I was being open-minded. He read the lists, said I was right, and put them away. Two months later he slept with OW for the 1st time. Throughout the past 2 years, he's always come back to that...the idea that we are too different. He says he tried to work on the M in his own way. I'm not sure that sleeping with OW was the best way to go about working on our M, but I honestly do now believe that he's convinced himself that he tried.

I guess I told you that story just to remind you that they all say the same things, and we shouldn't be believing any of what they say. I mean...how adsurd that my H would claim to have been working on our M while he was sleeping with another woman. You need to untie your emotions from his words and actions. You can do that...you just have to decide to.

You sound better...I'm glad you checked in!!! I hope you have a great time at the party and a wonderful weekend all around.

BTW, if you just looking for something fun to read, I recommend Janet Evanovich! I literally laugh out loud at her books...they can be a little "off-color" so consider yourself warned!

Hugs to you!
Amy


Me 39 H 36
S 7 S 4
T 15 M 12
H out 8/1/08
OW confirmed 8/6/08
D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
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Thanks for the tidbit on the books. I will check them out.. A good laugh is well welcomed right now.

I will let you know how the party goes. I can't wait. I just rented a room. My friend and I decided to rent one so we can go pre-drink..before the event..have a blast and not have to worry about driving home. I don't plan to get too intoxicated.. But I am looking forward to a night without kids a whole lot of adult conversation.


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Kristi,

If that post I sent to lovehimso that I thought was you, and it wasn't....so I sent it to you.....and it still wasn't the right person......I wonder who the heck I was suppose to send it to???
Man, to think I wasted all those words! (lol)

To tell you the truth, there are three or four of you that I am talking to whose stories are so much alike until I am sure that i did get it confussed. Maybe somebody will stumble across it and think..."Oh, that must have been for me". (lol)

Well, okay, now to get a little more serious. You know, I asked AmyM to come visit you b/c you were having a hard time detaching and you said things that made me think of her in the beginning of her thread. I wanted you to see not only what a terrific gal she is, but that she is coming out the winner in her stitch. Yes, they are getting a D. However, he is the looser (the jerk) and someday he will wake up and ask himself how could he ever have been such a fool. But, he will have messed his life up so much by then.....and the thing is....Amy is going on with hers! She has decided that he will not ruin her life and that she can make it without him and can, in fact, be happy without him a part of her life. I assure you that was not her thinking not long ago. She has "grown" as her own person that much in just a very few weeks. And, Kristi, you can too! She was just as discouraged as you are. She loved her H so much she didn't think she could breathe without him. But, she learned that she could. She has learned a lot and I am so proud of her that I could pop!

I think I told you.....maybe not....but I have told so many that DBing is for YOU to survive and come out a winner. You went into this thinking it was going to change him....or that you were going to change him. You made the statement that nothing is going to change him. The point was not to change him. The point was to change yourself.

I can see where the two of you have a very toxin R and talk about pushing buttons.....wow, I would think you both took the prize, but you don't. You see, there have been too many just like you before you came along here to join our community. So, the help is here for you. Just you sweetheart. We can't help him. But, there are a lot of us that would like to help you if we can and if you will let us......and if you will work with us.

I know you are full of so much anger right now. I don't blame you. Knowing my temperment......I would be worse than angry! Maybe the punching bag would be a good idea. You want to hear something funny? I had just posted to a young lady that is going through much of what you are with her H being so angry and I had just suggested that she buy him a punching bag and gloves. Then I suggested that she go to one of those kick boxing classes or self-defense classes. I would love to do that b/c they say it makes you feel so great! Anyway, when I read what you said about the punching bag, I couldn't help but laugh. In all seriousness, you do need to find something to channel your anger. Amy runs and I think that has helped get a lot of her frustration out of her mind, body, and spirit. If that isn't your cup of tea.....find something that is. I plead with you to do that b/c your anger is going to end up hurting your kids. You won't mean for it to.......but that is what will happen. I know you don't want that. To harbor so much anger for a long time is very, very dangerous to your health and to your kids. It will come out....some way some how. In harsh words, attitude, having a heart attack.....anything. So, I plead with you to try to find something to beat on until you feel better.....LOL (just not a person...that might get you into trouble).

I am glad to hear your response to Amy and Puppy and hear you say that you aren't giving up. Life goes on. I know, I know....easy words for me to say. You probably want to vomit hearing clichés like that all the time from others. But, it is true and some day down the road, you will be the one trying to give enough hope to some discouraged poster, telling them not to give up and to hang on. You will make it through this, Kristi.....you will.

You take care of yourself and those kids. Find some funny movies to watch and good mystery books....humor, whatever that will help you to forget about all this other junk. You need a break. That is why you were so upset over not getting to have "Your weekend" b/c you are worn out with all this mess and you need a break from it all. You are also mad b/c it seems like life is being very unfair to you and showing favor to your H where freedom and responsibility is concerned. Don't worry, what goes around comes around. Oh....another cliché ...oh well. Guess I just better shut up and go.

Do take care of yourself.
Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hey all,


Well the party was a great time. Honestley until the end fo the night it was a little hard. Everytime I looked around there were just all these couples together and it was hard to not think that..wow I used to have that too and now I don't have anyone. It just seemed as if everyone either was married or had a date. No one really came in groups of friends of alone, so it was a constant reminder of being a lone for the holidays.

But by the end of the night. We started to have a great time. I met a few really nice people (co-workers of my friend) and we hung out all night even after the party.

I came home today and my husband took the rest of his clothes our of bedroom. He said he wanted to make sure his stuff wasn't in my way. Which of course it wasn't. I think because we just had some nasty conversations this past week, esp with as much anger as I had, he felt the need to find another way to really get at me. He new his stuff wasn't in the way. It wasn't even stuff he was wearing right now, but he made sure to take most of it..and yet leave a few piles still b/c he said he couldn't fit those in his car. Which was so not true because he still had plenty of room in his car and there wasn't too much left.

It really really hurt that he did this. After he left and he knew I was upset he sent me a text saying he was sorry that things were rough right now. That one day they will not be so hard and we will both be able to move on with our lives. To try and enjoy the rest of my weekend, because I deserve having a great weekend.

I never responded to this. I guess I felt like he took all his stuff, which I knew in time he would need to do, but at this point he doesn't have a place to live other than his moms and he had kept saying he was going to keep that stuff here until he would need it as long as it wasn't in the way, so he did this just to hurt me. He knows I don't want him to leave but this was him making his point again. And he does it and then tells me to enjoy my weekend. That is so hypocritical to me.

Anyway. I know I am just rambling. this week will be very emotional for me. Friday will be our 10 year anniversary and I am having a hard time with that. I just want to get through all this holiday stuff. Everything this time a year is a constant reminder of us not being together because we always did so much together as a family.

I am sure I will be on the boards alot this week. I am trying to maintail to PMA but it is really hard right now. I am planning so fun stuff for Friday so I won't be alone..at this point I am going to participate in a all womens Texas Holdem Poker Party with a Friend!! So that should be a lot of fun.

I just wish that every minute my mind wouldn't wonder back to my H. Even in my dreams I wake up thinking about the situtation. It is getting so bad. I am so upset my it and what has happened and the feelings of regret are starting to sink in as well.

Well tonight it is just me and my S...My H is keeping our D until the morning but since my S had basketball all weekend he couldn't go with his dad, so we are going to go watch a movie and eat dinner together. Its the first night in long time I will get to do anything with just my S. So I am looking forward to it. He doesn't talk much about his feelings on the situation but I think he is looking forward to spending time with just me too.

Have a great night everyone and a wonderful week.
Talk to you all this week I am sure.

Love ya.
Kristi


M:35
H:39
S:13
D:9
M:10 yrs
T:12 yrs
Bomb 2/9/08
Divorce filed 10/17/08
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