You are not a fool, he is. You never have to wake up in his shoes. Count yourself lucky. You never have to feel the guilt of breaking up a family. He owns that.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I agree with nw..you should STOP the text messaging now, if you haven't already..give yourself a minute to breathe..without a lot of sleep on top of it..it doesn't bode well for a good turn out for you!
I KNOW exactly where you are..at least in my sitch..the anger and the trust that is just GONE right now..it totally sucks, but I can't let it eat me alive with it..
YOU are wonderful, you deserve all of the amazing things you think you deserve and MORE!
Hugs to you
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I agree - I'm starting to hate texts. Stupid 160 character limit! It is so choppy, and you mix up, and you don't get inflection on voices, etc.
I would agree - I would stop the texting, unless it is positive and contributing to moving YOU forward in a positive direction. Not helping him, not talking about R.
You need sleep, relaxation, etc. Last time I went through this a year ago, I lost 26 pounds, and it wasn't healthy. I had noodle arms.
We are here for you, get on here and write books if you need to. Curse and yell, and scream, but stay strong!
Don't feel like a fool - the fool is the person that breaks up their family, deserts their wife, etc!
What is bothering me the most now is that I have lost all respect for him. I understand that he wanted to move on, or so he said. He did a lot of things that would have led me to believe I still had some hope..anyway I klung to those for dear life. He knows that. He also stated over and over there was no one else. And it was a lie. So many times when I thought I caught him in a lie and questioned him he would get mad and accuse me of not trusting him. He would say how I would never change and it would always be like that..and that is why we couldn't be together..same old line...but the truth was he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing all along.
Yep. SO TYPICAL!!!
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I wish he would have just left when he wanted to and stayed away. If he was so done like he said then he should have acted completely done. I know he has his life and what he does isn't really my business but I do think that if we are discussing something and he says one thing and then I find out something else it is a lie..he just says it was none of my business. He had every opportunity to tell me what was going on. Sure it would have been very painful but it would have made sense for him to stay away if he was involved with someone else.
I wouldn't have had to keep hoping and trying to work things out. All the excessive arguements may not have had to occur because I would have already know he was with someone else. But he chose to lie. And now I cant' be his friend. I don't want to be his friend and I have NO RESPECT for him.
There are just so many other little incidents I have discovered that make this all the more painful. But it just proves that he isn't anything like I thought he was. Saying that I feel like a fool!!
Us humans are SUCH path-of-least-resistance types, aren't we? We will, sadly, get away with what we're allowed to get away with, and we won't make tough decisions unless we're forced to.
If you woke up tomorrow morning and found your H was mentally ill for a year, was terribly sorry and it never would happen again,what would you decide?
sg
Last edited by sgctxok; 12/29/0803:26 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
First off, you are not stupid. I know you feel that way. I did. My H moved out of the house for 3 months in early 2007. While he was out of the house he carried on an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his work. When he moved home ("cause he loved me and just knew we could work things out if we both tried very hard"), he admitted that they'd been "very good friends" and had allowed a few of their telephone convos. to become "inappropriate." But, that they put an end to it before it went too far so that they could both put their energies into their marriages.
In hindsight, he tried for about 2 months to work on my M. Then, I found some things on his computer that led me to believe that their R might have been more. I started asking questions. He blew me off. He looked me in the eye more times than I can count and said "Amy, there was nothing more."
Fast-forward to fall 2008. He's left home, moved her here, and taken her to the movies with my children. At one point he even tried to say that since I wouldn't leave him alone about the nature of their R and since I just kept hounding him about it, he decided he'd just start up an A (in July of 2007). In all honesty, I do beleive when he came home last year it was to work on the M. I think she probably told him they both should try. But, the constant daily contact was more than he could take, and he couldn't get over her. He decided that was love, and here we are.
I felt so stupid. I mean I lived a over a year with a man who was inventing overnight work trips so he could sleep with another woman. I lived with him as his wife. We shared laughs and good times and the same bed. In some ways, I suppose I knew about the A. That's why I asked about it over and over. But there was this part of me that just couldn't grasp it. I mean, I could never lie like that to someone I claimed to love. How could he? Turns out I was a little naive, but I wasn't stupid. I trusted the wrong person at the wrong time. But, in hindsight, I'd do that again too. He made the same promise I did back in 1996. Mine was sincere, I had every reason to believe that his was too. My heart wasn't made to question the sincerity of a promise. I'm not built that way. But, I'm not stupid.
While I was feeling stupid, I was so angry. I hated him and her for what they'd done. I hated myself for not seeing it sooner for allowing problems in the M to get to the point that he looked outside it.
But, I prayed about it. I prayed that I could stop hating them both and myself. I prayed that I could be strong enough to forgive them both. I prayed (and still do) for salvation for both of them. And, I found peace about it.
Sure, every once in a while I still remember sometime that I asked him specifically about her presence on a particular trip, etc., and I get sick to my stomach remembering his denial. But, they are few and far between now.
My point is, you are better than this. You are not stupid. You trusted the wrong man at the wrong time. You wanted to believe what you were told because you wanted to save your family. That just makes you a wonderful woman with a big heart. You will be better off if you can try to release the anger, and I don't know any way to do that but to pray about it. It's bigger than you and me.
The final point I want to make, is that he expects you to be angry and to lash out. Don't give him that satisfaction anymore. He feels guilty and thinks he deserves the anger (he does, but). After I found out for sure, I had two times when I just completely lost it on my H...screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He sat and took it, because he knew that's what I'd do. When I quit that, it took him a while to know what to do about interacting with me. And, I think in some ways he felt even worse...I wasn't the bi$#h that he figured I would be. I was actually working hard a being the bigger person and at trying to make ours a civil R for the sake of the kids.
Come here when you want to scream, etc. Don't text him, don't call him. This is no longer about him. It's about you and the kids.
You've come a long way in a short time, and things will get easier from here! And, when you read that and think to yourself, "She just doesn't understand." Reread the story above and know that I do understand. I completely understand!
Love to you, Kristi!!!
You are in my prayers.
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I don't have Amy's experiences, as I'm way back in the beginning stages, and I need to sharpen up a lot (hee hee, read A In Ohio's smackdown on my thread).
I will definitely support Amy's statement:
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I wasn't the bi$#h that he figured I would be.
W is all out of sorts, and started talking about R again, because I'm doing the complete opposite of what she expected.
I'm not gonna be the bastard my W figures I will be.
