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#1675707 - 12/17/08 11:23 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
pearlharbr Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 2204
Hey Nas

I was off the board yesterday so I'm just catching up with you. I'm glad you didn't have to meet with him yesterday if you weren't up to it.

Not meaning to threadjack, but I just want you to know I'm going through the same thing with OW. Some days I can just let it roll off my back, and then I do a bad thing and check his "secret" email to see what they're up to. He took OW out to dinner last night and lied to me about it, said he was playing basketball. I am so filled with rage right now I'm shaking. And all I want is revenge. So I know that snooping isn't doing me any good but I can't help myself. Plus I'm printing all of these emails out in case I need them when it comes time for a financial settlement. And I'm even contemplating outing them at work and I'm hoping HR has some policy against employees dating.

So, all this was just to say you're not alone, we're all struggling right now. I just hope you can stay stronger than me, I think you can.


Edited by pearlharbr (12/17/08 11:23 AM)
_________________________
If you love somebody, set them free.
http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g

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#1676469 - 12/18/08 10:38 AM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: pearlharbr]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hey, hun! {{{{pearlharbr}}}}

Thanks so much for coming by and checking on me. I admit I haven't been so great at keeping up with everyone, and I need to spend some time catching up today.

No worries about threadjacking - you're not doing that at all. I'm sorry to hear about the BS with OW. Too bad she didn't choke on her dinner, eh? It's sickening to consider how often they are likely lying. My head starts to spin if I really, truly start considering the vast possibilities for deception.

It's definitely a good idea to keep a file of the proof just in case, although I'm not sure if it's admissable in court because you got the emails without his permission. I'd check into that if possible just to make sure it's ok. The last thing you want to do is crucify yourself.

And oh, the HR thing. Man, if only.... In all seriousness, though, I wouldn't do anything until you get to a place where you are much less emotionally invested. You don't want to be reacting/lashing out because of your craziness of the grief rollercoaster. I know how tempting it is, and I know how difficult and unfair it seems to have all of this anger and sadness that cannot be directed at its source - but in the end, you're being the bigger person. You're doing the right thing, and I truly believe that positive energy will come back to you manyfold.

I'm working really hard to stay strong myself, although I tend to fall off that train rather often. I'm doing ok with some primitive attempts at thought-stopping as I refuse to allow this situation to rule my life.

I'm happy to at least be thinking about things a little less each day. Sometimes it seems like a huge effort to try and feel contented, but it is happening bit by bit, millimeter by millimeter.

And there are moments of beauty, and in those moments, I remember that God is always with us, in the details.

And I've been happy. I've had a few hours here and there where I've had real fun that was untainted by my H in any way.

I've felt a little less rage the past couple of days - mostly because I'm trying to prevent myself from dwelling on what might be happening, on what past revelations might have been lies, on what might be going on in his head, etc. It's hard, but I have to accept that I will likely never know the whole truth and nothing but - the truth may be out there, but I don't have access to it. Bitterness is setting in now and then - as is sadness. But it's a letting-go kind of sadness. I went to a Christmas play put on by an inner-city kids' group last night, and as I watched them sing, as I watched their parents in the audience, I realized that I will not have that with my H.

He doesn't want it anymore. He stopped believing in it, in us.

And I didn't think I wanted it until it was too late.

I thought of the vacations we'll never take, the jokes we'll never make, the lazy comfort we'll never share again. I thought of the dreams I'd had for this holiday season. I thought of the plans I'd already begun to make for our 5th wedding anniversary next year.

The trips to Europe we'll never take.

The fire we'll never sit beside in that cabin in the snow.

The lobster we'll never eat in Maine.

The marshmallows we'll never toast of my first camping trip.

The ghost stories we'll never tell, the books we'll never read aloud, the movies we'll never watch, the dinners we'll never eat, the grass we'll never plant, the walks we'll never take, the musuems we'll never visit, the children we'll never raise, the life we'll never live....

When I became tired, I thought of how much solace I would have found in a lazy evening spent on the couch at home with him.

That is, until I remembered that the "him" I wanted to find comfort with no longer exists. Maybe he never existed at all.

I was visited by many phantom desires, but like all ghosts, eventually, the began to fade, to become less and less opaque.

I have to wonder if he is haunted by me. I have to wonder if his mind turns to this situation even half as much as mine does.

I felt some anger and some bitterness. In many ways, he's robbed me of so much more than his companionship. he's stolen the last of my childhood delusions, my faith in him, my confidence in my perceptions, my ability to trust without question, my comfort and stability, my dreams for the future and the last vestiges of my childish naivette.

And I am enraged because of it. I am sickened by his presumtious self-satisfaction in his new life, at his arrogant belief that he is setting me free as well.

I am bitter because I was left without choice. I am bitter because the one person I loved and trusted above all others has wounded me by exposing me to my greatest fears.

The fear of being laughed at, of being the punchline in a joke.

The fear of being rejected, of not being respected.

The fear of being reduced in stature, of being made to feel like the little girl that was bullied instead of the woman that she became.

The fear of change and of realising that much of my life was a delusional projection of my naive desires. As my H told me himself, "life is not a fairytale, Nas."

And of course, the fear of being eclipsed by some average little girl.

It's funny that this is what happened - that he could care so little for me and so much for himself that he willingly stabbed me in both my heart and my back.

Just imagine that I had a lifelong, overwhelming fear of fire - and the fire is a metaphor for being laughed at by his buddies. The fire is being talked about behind my back by my own H and best friend. The fire is being cheated on by the one "good man" in the world. The fire is the belief that no matter how smart of talented or educated or interesting or funny I am, I cannot measure up to women that might like all of my other traits but that just happen to be skinny - that I am not attractive enough or special enough to overcome the extra weight.

And now imagine that not only do I have a fear of fire but I also have a more specific fear of gasoline fires. The gasoline is the average, Georgia-born waitress that just happens to be thinner.

And then imagine that my H - my best friend, my partner, my touchstone - is faced with having to kill me to save himself. Sure, he could drown me. He could stab me. He could strangle me.

But no, he sees a can of gasoline and says hey, I like gasoline. And so instead, he lights me on fire.

That's what I feel like in the darkest moments - like someone who has not only been hurt, but who has been hurt malisciously, needlessly, by the very tools (my fears) that I shared out of trust.

I feel cheated out of my life, my dreams. It wasn't enough to sacrifice for him by working a job I hated so he could be free to explore his career. It wasn't enough to compromise on matters of lifestyle, location, etc, just so that we could be together. It wasn't enough to stay with him despite tempting opportunities to live a more stimulating lifestyle, and it wasn't enough to reformat my own lifelong dreams again and again just to ensure that we could reach those places together.

No. It wasn't enough.

But it should have been. He is weak where I am strong. What he tries to rationalize as being free-spiritied is in truth a lack of steadfastness, an inability to roll up one's sleeves and do the hard work when the work gets hard. He's just running scared, and it makes me sad for him. It makes me pity that he lacks the wisdom to be able to avoid making huge mistakes by employing logic. I am sad that he doesn't have the fortitude or the foresight to know better than to make this mistake. I feel sorry for him because he is now and has always been the sort of person that has to f*** up in order to learn anything.

You can't tell him "don't touch the stove because it's hot." He's going to touch it anyways and then learn from the burn.

I was always the exact opposite. As a child, I rarely got into any trouble, and I only ever got one spanking - that was because I knew about consequences. I didn't have to experience punishment to understand it. Forethought, my friends. There's a reason why Prometheus got his a** handed to him for giving that little gift.

Conversely, my husband got into trouble every single day - usually multiple times. No matter how many spankings he got and how many times he was grounded, he kept repeating the same mistakes.

I look at the way he's been changing over the past few years, and I see him tempting fate. He takes more and more risks. He's cavalier about his own mortality, about consequences.

He thinks he is above the law in many ways, and he thinks he is above paying for his hubris.

Ah, the naive. I wonder how long it will take for him to begin growing up? I wonder when he'll actually start getting some clarity and figuring things out.

When I think of the person I knew and then try to match that person up with the arrogant, apathetic fool that looked at some po-dunk, nobody, little-kid waitress one day and thought "why not" - that began flirting and pretending to be some important, suave guy - I feel sick. I feel like erasing him from my my memory, from my life.

But those moments pass. I still love Jekyl even if I loathe Hyde. But eventually, one of those personalities must win out. Whether the victor will be the good scientist or the monsterous experiment-gone-awry is a tale that only time will tell.

~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1676639 - 12/18/08 01:54 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
justwaitn Offline
Member

Registered: 12/05/08
Posts: 32
Wow...you sound like I did a few months ago. Actually, how I feel on my down days. One reason I haven't been posting.

I have to say I love, love, love your writing style...(i know, not on subject, but who doesn't need a little praise every now and again.)

It will get easier. You will suddenly realize that its been an hour since you last thought of H. and then two hours...you get the picture. And it sounds like you are almost there.

I don't see it mentioned much on the forums, but have you ever thought of an anti-anxiety med? You seem to have an active mind, like myself, one that doesn't ever seem to shut off. An anti-anxiety med would help slow down your thinking and help you sleep or work. its not something you would have to take every day either.

I know hope is hard to find...but it is there. And you will be so surprised when and where you find it. Just keep looking. Keep your mind and heart open.

Let me know when you need some hope and I will be here for you!

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#1676641 - 12/18/08 01:56 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Journal:

I am so exhausted today. I have been progressively more and more tired over the past several days. I feel as though I could sleep for days.

And so I am sitting here at work, procrastinating. I seriously need to slap myself into action today, but so far I'm not having much luck. I've got to lead a conference call in oh, 10 minutes, and I am so not prepared.

Ho hum.

At least I count myself lucky because I have not felt like contacting H yet. I just saw a picture of us that I forgot to remove from my screensaver, and for once I had no internal reaction at all.

Hooray for baby steps!

So, I'm wondering if I should send Christmas cards/gifts to his family. I already bought his sisters, his parents and his baby nephew gifts before all of this happened (don't think he knows that, though), and I was planning on sending cards to everyone for Christmas. I get that I don't need to send him a gift or a card, but what about the others? I'm not sure if that makes things awkward or gives the impression of pursuing - plus I don't want it to be too weird that he doesn't have anything from me.

I suppose I could re-gift most of it.

What do ya'll think?

~Nas, yawning
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1676645 - 12/18/08 02:03 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
WaitingPatiently Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 287
Loc: North East
Nasmat,

I am really feeling your pain. I was flipping through all of our old photos of great vacations, road trips, memories, etc., and it is just heart wrenching. I too think about the trips we'll never take (ironically, lobster in Maine and Europe were in our plans as well). We just have to remind ourselves that it is their loss. They chose to leave us--we are worth more!!! You will find someone better to enjoy your life with. Yesterday was a real eye-opener for me. After listening to my W go on and on about how she doesn't "love me like that" and she doesn't want to be married, I had an epiphany; why the hell am I wasting so much energy trying to convince this woman to love me and that our wonderful family is worth saving?? I mean what the hell!! If she can't see that for herself, than why should I care? It is absolutely her loss, not mine. Same goes for you. You are obviously a very intelligent woman with much to offer, so if your H can't appreciate that, than it's his loss. Remember, you deserve to be loved, not laughed at or treated like crap. Keep your head up! Try not to think too much about the future and past, just focus on today. I'm finding that if I just do that, then I realize that the woman who stands before me isn't even worth loving at the moment. It just makes life easier for me. Force yourself to have a good day, and write back later. I will be praying for you.

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#1676664 - 12/18/08 02:20 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: WaitingPatiently]
spellfire Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 812
Loc: USA
Nas,

His loss indeed. You clearly have so much to offer, reading your post I actually feel jealous that my W doesn't feel about me the way you feel about your WAS.

Give it time, and hold your head high. You deserve better than this, and I believe you will find it.
_________________________
Spellfire aka Mike

"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A

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#1676678 - 12/18/08 02:32 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: justwaitn]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Hey, hunny! {{{{justwaitn}}}} Thanks so much for stopping by and offering hope and support. It means so, so much to me!

And thank you so very much for the compliment on my writing. I'm so glad that you enjoy it! \:\) Most of the time, I am horrified by all of my typos. I always write my posts so quickly and like an idiot I never go back and edit them before posting. Makes me cringe sometimes. \:\)

Quote:
You will suddenly realize that its been an hour since you last thought of H. and then two hours...you get the picture. And it sounds like you are almost there.


I am getting there slowly but surely. I do have those moments when I realize I haven't thought of him in thirty minutes - sometimes an hour or two.

Quote:
You seem to have an active mind, like myself, one that doesn't ever seem to shut off. An anti-anxiety med would help slow down your thinking and help you sleep or work.


I actually haven't thought of an anti-anxiety med at all. I have Graves Disease, so I have to be careful with those types of meds, but it might be worth looking into. I think the reason I've avoided looking itno it is because I'm afraid of becoming a zombie-slug or of repressing my emotions so that I have to deal with them again after several months.

That being said, it's really not a bad idea......

Thanks so much for the infusion of hope! In trying to face brutal reality and accept it, I think I've really let alot of my hope and PMA go.

Thanks again and God bless,
~Nas
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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#1676738 - 12/18/08 03:40 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: Nasmat]
WaitingPatiently Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 287
Loc: North East
Re-gift!!!! Enough said. No, seriously, giving gifts may look like persuing. Definitely would not give him a gift. My W and I discussed that, and originally she said she didn't want to exchange gifts, then she said she did, then she said nevermind. I'm so damn sick of it I've now made up my mind that I won't get her a gift no matter what she decides. Just my thoughts...

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#1676883 - 12/18/08 07:18 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: WaitingPatiently]
pearlharbr Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 2204
Hey Nas

Thanks for the hugs. I really need them right now. You're right, I need to get in a better head space before I do anything.

As usual, you write so beautifully all of the grief and anguish running through my veins right now. We were supposed to be going to Scotland on the 26th for New Year's. Now I need to find something to do on my own.

I loved your fear of fire metaphor. That's exactly how I feel too, he did the one thing he knew I find unacceptable--cheating--to end our years together. He didn't have the balls to just tell me he was unhappy and that we had serious problems that needed to be addressed.

Also on target, the person who I'm sharing a house with now is not the man I fell in love with. He's not the person I want to spend my life with. Maybe if I can remember that when I'm in the depths of despair that will help pull me out.

Your H is definitely throwing away the best thing in his life--you! Keep up the thought-stopping (I'll have to try that) and the PMA. I know you can make it through this.

And don't send gifts/cards to his family. I think it makes it awkward and isn't in your best interest.
_________________________
If you love somebody, set them free.
http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g

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#1676993 - 12/18/08 11:41 PM Re: Nasmat - #2 [Re: pearlharbr]
Nasmat Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/08
Posts: 250
Loc: Georgia
Journal:

I cannot F***ING believe that my husband sent me the email below. He has been replaced by an alien. He must have a heart of ice.

He sent this sometime in the afternoon but I just saw it now.

What in the Hell happened to the person I knew and loved?

"Good afternoon _____ [my full name],

Just wanted to give you a heads up in regards to some bills that need to be paid in order not disrupt service. The Protect America bill is due (29.95) and the insurance bill is due on or before the 25th (114.95). Just want to make sure that you have no problems with service disruption. Okay, take care and when your able to (January) we can hook up and go over everything to sort out everything once more concerning the bills, property, and civil processes. Thanks for your time _____ [my full name].

_____"


Seriously, I want to write him and tell him that he is a f***ing monster. I want to drag him through the f***ing dirt. I want to hire a private investigator and document his infidelity so I can take every red cent he has.

I don't know how to respond to that email. Honest to God, my H is dead. The man I knew is DEAD. I want to tell his b**** of a girlfriend that he is a f***ing monster and not to believe his bulls***.

I have to calm down. I just got home froma great party at work, I'm tipsy, and I was in good spirits.

He just had to S*** on that. Like always, actually. He always s***s on my good time.

If I respond with the same detached tone, I set the stage for a battle. If I respond with niceness, I am pursuing.

Help me, ya'll, because I am so LOST.

~Nas, spitting mad
_________________________
"Don't dream it. Be it."

First
Second

Me: 26
WAH: 27
T/M: 11/4

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