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Okay...so are we going to call your Veronica now? Almost sounds like your super hero alter-ego name...which would be grand.

I agree with JWM - don't over-analyze the MLC stuff...for me, at least, recognizing that I could do nothing for my W but be friendly and not play into her drama freed me to focus on myself and other things...it was like letting go of the obligation to unravel her knots. Have you ever done that? Gotten a line so tangled that most people would walk away or toss it? I have - and I've always had this need to untangle it - maybe that's okay for some things, but certainly not this.

What movie will you go see?

Also - though I think it's been mentioned on this board dozens of times, most people come out of MLC eventually - it's just a matter of time - and a matter of how willing the LBS is to take care of themselves in the meantime. I only wish there were some magic formula for figuring out how long it lasts.

Now then, are we to address you as Veronica? (I've changed my nickname a few times, btw - my first nickname was one that my wife used to used for me...that latest is my own creation.


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Well, the good thing is that it will almost certainly get lost in the giant cesspool that is the internet.


My thread, Carpe Diem #4
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Techguy - carpe diem is one of my favorite codes - and it's also a source of one of the funniest things I ever heard while I was a busboy in high school...the restaurant I worked at had put Carpe Diem at the bottom of the menu (this was when Dead Poets Society made the phrase very popular) - well, not everyone had seen the film or was familiar with the phrase - and one of the customers turned to me and asked how the carpe diem was prepared - I said, "it's not a fish, ma'am. It's Latin for -" - but before I could finish, her overbearing husband chimed in with, "young man, don't you condescend to my wife. That's her favorite fish, and she wants to know how it's prepared." In a brief moment of clarity I said, "it depends on the day." He scowled, I was scolded, and the lady got a carpe diem fish special that night. I hadn't thought of that moment in years - and I just happened to drive by that restaurant (now closed) today with my son...just thought I would share...

-carlos.


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Hey B! Or V! (Let us know which! Here I am even afraid to use the full "handle"! The 'net can be scary, sometimes, huh?)

I'm not really new around here, and you know me, but I had to not only change my name, but get a whole new account. I had reasons but I can't say what they are. I'll try to give you some hints without too many details, because I can't do that right now, but I'll just say I'm a LBS, H having an EA/PA, we're separated, and I'm heartbroken, to say the least (as we all are). But I still love him, so even though I'm not the best DBer, I keep trying and fighting to save my marriage, to keep the love of my life.

Think of this as a word search...but don't give it away or use the full name, cuz I don't want it to come up in any searches, here or google, okay? I don't have my own thread, yet, so if you can figure it out, just put a little "aha!" here on your post, okay? I'll be checking in...

Glad you've got firm plans with your H on Christmas. I'll be thinking about you, and I hope it goes well. Light and fun!

((((hugs))))

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Originally Posted By: healthydad
Techguy - carpe diem is one of my favorite codes

Hi Carlos!

Yeah, I thought the phrase really captured the essence of DBing. Has that nice implication of positive action, with a sense of staying in the moment thrown in to boot.

Funny story!


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My gosh... seems like I've caused a full scale panic!

What was that old British show where all the people were called only a number? Used to show on public TV back in the early 80's.


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Originally Posted By: techguy
My gosh... seems like I've caused a full scale panic!

What was that old British show where all the people were called only a number? Used to show on public TV back in the early 80's.


The Prisoner? \:\)

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Beth - I did want to say something about the MLC because I think it's a big basket of symptoms and behaviours that can't be treated "en bloc".

My general sense is this: these guys (mostly men) get to a point where they wonder what it's all about, what's left, what they didn't do and why not. They want to change something and their m is often what seems easiest to change. For the more responsible ones, walking away from a job they are unhappy with feels more frightening. My h has been unhappy in his job for years; he'd rather leave the m than leave h is job.

I don't think he's depressed anymore; he feels freer, definitely very self-aborbed and now has the balm of the ow's attention and interest. For my h, it's a pretty compelling package so why would he even think of returning to the m? I sometimes get the sense that he feels he might be on the cusp of that wonderful feeling of "anything might now be possible in his life". The feeling of a much younger man (he's 50), but intoxicating and compelling.

It's a long journey.

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Carlos - Veronica it is. I like the notion of her being my superhero alterego. And your story is fantastic. All this name changing reminds me of a story involving names. When I was 20, in college and full of existential angst, I used to sit outside of my classes smoking (gave that habit up quite a while ago along with the angst). So I am sitting there on a heating vent that looks more like a low bench and this sleezy player sits down right next to me, sliding me over with his hip. As cool as he can be he asks "And you might be?" rather than just being a human and asking my name. In a rare moment of having the right thing to say ready at the right moment I replied, "I might be sick." He got the hint.

I am like you Carlos, always one to try to untangle a knot no matter how tightly wound and no matter how long it takes. It is a great analogy. And you are right, these knots will have to unwind themselves.

Techguy - I think it was the Prisoner.

WIT - Are you Canadian? I ask because of the way you spell "behaviour" and now your use of "en bloc." Just curious. I speak French and H and I have a great love affair with Quebec City.

I hear you about MLC being a long process but I also hear some pain in your words. Try not to focus on the negative aspects of hat is happeneing in your situation. Believe me, I know how hard this is to accomplish. But most OP in an MLC scenario are just a symptom of the problem. She will most likely eventually start making normal demands on your H and the bubble will burst.

LMA - aha, I think.


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So Carlos and I were just talking about not handling things for others and I wanted to share something that just happened because I have stopped trying to control all details of all situations.

As you know, H and I are meeting to see a movie tomorrow. As a small 180, after he selected the time of movie he preferred to see, I simply responded, "sounds good," rather than including instructions on where to meet and the time. It really is hard for me to let that stuff go, but I did it.

So, this morning I had to email him about the car. He replied asking what time we should meet but added in all sorts of info about his plans for the day - info I did not need to have because we had already decided on the time for the movie. He assumed my family and I were eating lunch. I responded we were having dinner not lunch and I was available if he wanted to eat first. He did. He asked me to find a place because his work is hectic.

I chose a place we have always liked to go and he is excited to go there. I realize this is not some big turnaround. H is not going to recommit to me because we have lunch. It is just a small lesson to me in the value of letting go. Sometimes, doing so can lead to a nice surprise. Now, if I can let go of the bigger things, I may really be onto something.

V.


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