Good job!! Doesnt it feel good to have done the "right" thing and not fall in his "drama" trap? I bet he has second thoughts about how he wrote that email and what he was trying to start with it. Respect... I love that word. xxx K
Got an email from DH this morning that really upset and angered me.
I know you probably don’t want to email me, but what about the kids? Did you show them the email I sent to them? Are you guys going to be home on Saturday so I can call or would Sunday be better?
I have bent over backwards in an attempt to facilitate his relationship with the kids. Up until last week, he made NO effort to contact them via email and he has not talked to them on the phone in over a month.
After venting, raging, praying, and typing a couple of poison pen emails, I have settled on the following response:
I read the kids the emails that you sent them and have asked them several times if they want to email you back. They always say "later". I know prior to the weekend, they said they would just talk to you on the phone when you called.
It is not that I do not want to email you, however you have made it abundantly clear in the past couple of months that you do not want to chat. If you ask me questions, I answer them. In the future, I will acknowledge all emails with an "okay", so you know that I have received them.
The kids are spending Friday night with My sister and will be busy all day Saturday with her and their cousin, I have plans with friends for the weekend, and we will not be home until late afternoon on Sunday--after 5pm.
More than good enough. Great.
I should expect no different from an incredibly special Sis who does not strive after her own way but rather after the Way of our Lord. Even if it takes some nudging from others in the body of Christ. Afterall, that is what He gaves us each other for.
Hey, SMW! Just saw your post to my thread, and it looks like I'm late! Sorry.
I like your response to DH's email. It's to the point . However, I do feel a little differently where others have referred to DH's feelings as "drama". Drama or no drama, they are his feelings. This is something I have to remind myself about whenever I am dealing with my own H's feelings and the "pity parties" he throws for himself. If I don't address his feelings, then in some way aren't I invalidating him, too?
Just something to think about.
And I was also wondering - when the kids say they will get back to DH "later", do they?
Is there a limit to how many emails can be sent to DH? If not, could the kids maybe send him a short note every day (or every other two or three days) to talk about at least one good thing that's happened for them? At school, at home, at the playground, at dinner...?
I know it seems like he should be the one doing most of the initiating, but what if you could get the kids to start doing this? What if it helped? What if it really is as you've told the kids...that Daddy can't always get through. I think he's missing his family.
Edited by GoingForward (12/18/0807:12 PM)
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GoingForward, I am somewhat on your side of the fence regarding this.
IMHO, I really didn't think his email was that bad. I thought he had a valid reason for what he said. HOWEVER, SMW has a valid reason for thinking the same thing. soooooo, there's the cycle. They are both doing the same thing to each other, albeit he started it first.
So I told SMW I was glad that she has chosen to respond to his emails, as I think it is the polite and courteous thing to do, and I would expect, or like my H to do the same to me. Or anyone for that matter.
Now, I like the direct and to the point, however, I really feel there is a lack of personableness (I cannot for the life of me figure out a word to use, that's all I could come up with) And if I were her H, I would take this email that SMW is annoyed/mad and is done being nice. Now, if that is what she wants him to think, then I think, okay cool, now let's see what happens.
However, as I mentioned to her in an email, that when I was dealing with my H, I wanted him to see me as happy, having fun, enjoying life, and enjoying him when he was enjoyable, and not letting his action affect me. I wanted him to think that I was capable of going on alone and being just fine and happy without him, but not that I was upset or mad at him. Now he DID know that I did not approve of his A, and in fact I despised his choices, but I wasn't going to let it affect my own happiness. If he wanted to screw up his life, then so be it, I'll be making my own life.
anyways, since he is gone, he is unable to see SMW GALing, having fun, living a life. So, the only things he sees (unless other people are telling him things) are these emails. If they are nonresponsive, or even just "okay" emails, then how will this show him she has changed and the new life she is enjoying?
Does this make sense? I understand the concept of going dark and all. I just never used it. Perhaps, if my sitch had lasted much longer, I may have, but I think I would still make my emails sound like his choices didn't bother me (unless it was a boundary issue) and that I was having a fun life.
sorry SMW if I wasn't speaking directly to you.
love ya, and you just take my opinions however you want.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."