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#1680582 - 12/24/08 04:38 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: poet]
Little Engine Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 1108
Tawnya--Thanks for being there and checking up on me. Merry Christmas.
_________________________
M42
S12/D9
T17/M12
Bomb 1 3/22/06
Bomb 2 7/11/08
Bomb 3 7/31/08
W Filed 8/1/08
D granted 12/17/08
D Finalized 1/29/09

A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.

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#1680586 - 12/24/08 04:46 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: poet]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
Thank you {{{Poet}}} I appreciate that..you are right..whether it is true or false in their minds, whether they know what they are saying or how they are being to us, it is THEIR thoughts or their out of control behavior..not mine..and I have to say this "journey" I'm on has taught me to be more sure of who I am, because a while back, a comment like "she's prettier than you" would have about sent me into the corner into a fetal position \:\)

{{{LE}}} I always check on you..thank you for stopping by and I pray for a Christmas that is more blessed than you can imagine..and I'll be around if you are..stop by \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1680589 - 12/24/08 04:50 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: Tawnya]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Tawnya,

You are amazing. You sound as positive as ever. You are one strong lady and I think you should change your name on here to Syndey.

Keep it up, lady.

V.
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VV:41

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#1680604 - 12/24/08 05:23 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: Tawnya]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
{{{Tawnya}}},
You handled that so well - I'm sorry, but there is only so much crap you can take, but I agree with the consensus, most of it probably isn't true.

My W has said the most horrific things to me, and I know she didn't mean them. At the time, she was just angry beyond words.

Even the things she does now, she is suffering from guilt, knowing she is doing wrong, ignoring kids' hurting.

I know it's harder for you with H being in the house, but sheesh, I'm thinking/praying for you!
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#1680629 - 12/24/08 06:33 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: JDOllie]
Tomato Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 4058
Loc: Northeast
Covering all bases with my "beacon light " friends

MERRY CHRISTMAS and peace to you.

I am dreading every minute of it right now ..oh well.

regroup time


T
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debut thread

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#1680647 - 12/24/08 07:24 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: Tomato]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{{V}}}} I think one name change on here is enough for now LOL..I'd have to remember who I was if I did that..tho Sydney Bristow may be in my future..I kinda like that \:D So what are you guys doing tomorrow with your mom and bro?

{{{Jon}}}} Thank you very much..yeah..I guess my "taking crap meter" was all full LOL! I'd like to think my hub is having guilt about what he is doing to the kids at LEAST..but I dunno..I think possibly for my son..he even brought my son, but not my daughter (which I thought was strange) a gift back from his trip..but I sure don't see any guilt coming off him too much. Thank you, I appreciate the prayers and saying some back to you!

{{{Tomato}}} Aww..thank you so much for being a beacon of light on my thread and to everyone!! I hope the day is better for you than you think it will be..YOU are an amazing person, the things you say about your "beloved"..she should be like melted butter by now \:\)

WELL..had a random evening..hub actually called ME before he came home to see if I needed anything (I guess Christmas stuff, but still, WEIRD after last night..), so I said no, told him we were planning to go out to eat if he wanted to go with us, he said yes. So, he came home, figured out where we wanted to go, I rode with hub and son, cause daughter was coming from shopping. On the way he talked about his trip, actually asked me FINALLY where I went on my trip last weekend exactly in VA, and even said (which made me feel even PROUDER of my trip), after I told him where I went he was like, "WOW, that's a long haul, about 5 hours"..and I was like, "yep, and I was so proud (and told my son in the car too), that in all of my 39 years I hadn't done a trip that long by myself, and that I got there and back with no help, not getting lost, and it wasn't bad at all \:D He told me and son all about his trip while we rode (I didn't ask..he just started talking)

So, we met daughter at restaurant, it was definitely a little "odd", mostly I talked to daughter and son, and hub talked to son mostly (daughter was kinda quiet/tired/ticked at her dad unfortunately..because when I told her on the phone that dad said he'd go to dinner with us, she was like "oh, how nice of him" LOL \:D then I told daughter I'd ride home with her \:\)

Hub is suppose to be putting together drum set for son and son even mentioned playing some xbox with dad before that, dad says yeah (dunno if this changed in the car while they rode home), hub comes home for a bit in the bedroom, then comes out, gets water, and then just drives off..as IF he hasn't been gone already ALLLL day..I wonder if OW called and he ran..that's what my guess is..kinda pathetic if you ask me..I mean..hello..it's Christmas Eve and you have to go do WHAT?

ANYWAYYYYYY..whatever..I know hub will put the drums together WHENEVER he gets home, so that's all I need him to do this evening..told him I had planned on a movie tomorrow afternoon if he wanted to go..

Just another day in the life of "crazy land" eh?? Tho..I don't choose to ride the "upset ride" tonight \:\)

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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#1680656 - 12/24/08 07:51 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: Tawnya]
likingMEagain Offline
Member

Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 55
Quote:
I don't choose to ride the "upset ride" tonight
Hey, Tawnya, send some of that PMA my way, huh? I've been fine all day, but now I'm starting to feel that familiar anxiety, as I think about H and OW celebrating Christmas together (whenever they're doing that, as I don't have that info).

Also, H had told me the other day not to look at the details on the checking account until after Christmas, because I would ruin my Christmas if I did (this has been standard procedure for us every year). But then this afternoon, he said he hadn't bought anything for me yet. That weirded me out, and I'm about to go look at the checking account...should I, or shouldn't I? I know I shouldn't, but I'm wondering, WTH? Has he bought me something yet or not?

It's also killing me thinking about what he might have gotten for OW, and her kids. And how much he spent. I'm sure he paid cash for whatever he bought, so I'll probably never know, and I probably don't WANT to know, but it's bothering me, nonetheless.

I'm also wondering when he's going to see her. Today, I asked him specifically to tell me if/when he will need to leave tomorrow (he's coming over here to "do" Christmas with me and the kids, and his mom). Just so that I would know, and he didn't have to play the "looking at the watch" game, and trying to come up with some story to tell me in order to get out the door. He said, "I don't have anywhere I need to be tomorrow." We'll see. A few days ago he said, "I don't have to spend the whole DAY with you guys...", so whatever.

I don't know why I let this stuff get to me. I have NO WAY of knowing what he's really doing, even if he "tells" me, cuz how do I know he's telling the truth. He keeps saying he has no reason to lie to me, his R with OW isn't a secret, but I can't trust him right now. I want so badly to be able to, but that's going to take time, and it's going to take him breaking it off with OW, and I just don't know if that's going to happen, at all.

I keep trying to tell myself, "Water off a duck's back. Detach. Appreciate what he does give you (time, hugs, etc.). No expectations. Respect his needs. Validate. Love him enough to let him own his choices. NO R or OW talk. Just get through THIS day. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. Stay positive."

And even with all that "self-talk", I'm still feeling all this anxiety.

Didn't mean to hijack, Tawnya! It's just that I don't have my own thread yet, and I don't feel comfortable yet starting one. I still feel like I need to "hide out" a little longer. And I thought the "PMA Queen" would have some practical advice for me about how to deal with the anxiety, and all these negative and bothersome thoughts. I KNOW I should not allow these thoughts to stay in my mind long, nor allow them to bother me. I just don't know HOW to do it!

Merry Christmas Tawnya! I hope you have a wonderful day!

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#1680666 - 12/24/08 08:08 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: likingMEagain]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
I'll steal Tawnya's place, and share with you something that I always come back to:

The OM/OW can only provide that wonderful feeling for so long - usually if OM/OW is OK being with someone that's married they probably don't have much scruples anyone, and if you are who you want to be for YOURSELF, they will start to see the differences.

For example, in the past month and a half, I have lost 16 pounds. Every time I know W is coming over, I have on a nice shirt, hair combed, shaved, cologne on, and the house is completely spotless if at all possible. Not really doing it FOR her, but I want her to see me in control, and looking good. What possible attraction would you hold for spouse if you are unshaven, (legs in lady's case), frazzle headed, grumpy, down at the mouth, and red-eyed?

I mean you wouldn't be caught dead in public, but you hang onto spouse's leg looking bedraggled, and expect them to swoon? Same applies emotionally - if you are whining, crying, begging, pleading

Here is my point - you may be absolutely gorgeous - don't get me wrong. But when you start to focus on yourself, and wanting to look good, and focus on life, and the things that make you happy, SLOWLY but surely, things will start to swing around.

I have been "detached" for about one stinkin' week now, and the difference is unbelievable. I used to be consumed with looking at checking account, asking about potential OM, finding out if W was working so I was sure she wasn't with OM, and it was stupid! I got fat, lazy, and depressed! \:\)

Now, I have to fight off women every time I go out in the streets. (Not really, but I have gotten a couple of looks) Although I would never look at another woman, the self-esteem building is huge...

OK, that was a complete ramble, but I hope it made sense.
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#1680670 - 12/24/08 08:14 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: Tawnya]
JDOllie Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 1005
Loc: Ohio
{{{Tawnya}}},
'Tis the season for awkward family meals! \:\)

Good job for talking about what you did - a little nudge to say, "I can do things for myself, and don't need you."

If H was as good a dad as you said he was, the crap like the drum set will eventually start to wear thin on kids, and it'll start to backfire. Frustrating thing, and I know from experience: You KNOW W/H can tell they are being idiots, but have so rationalized in their heads they don't even think.

I don't ever say a word to my kids EVER, but I told W, "One day the kids will figure out what happened here, and they will know who fought for this family, and they'll know who did the right thing day after day after day. That's enough for me."
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#1680680 - 12/24/08 08:32 PM Re: Another wife Hit by the Bomb #6 [Re: JDOllie]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{LMA}}} I hear you on the "do I want to check the checking account"..so, in a way, hub did me a FAVOR by taking his "OW money" I call it and putting it into an account I can't keep track of, cause it use to irritate the CRAP outta me to see how many lunches/breakfasts/dinners whatever he would be paying for 2 people for BLAHH..LOL..so..my advice, if you can help it, DON'T LOOK...tho..knowing me, I would probably look LOL..but I would hope I wouldn't..(I know that didn't make sense..LOL..)..but what the HECK..your hub told you NOT to look but that he hadn't bought you anything..sounds like he was trying to get you to get upset..if you ask me..so don't give him the satisfaction of that. I came thisclose to calling hub when he left tonight and being like, "um..thought you were gonna hang out with son tonight and play games"..but..I didn't \:\)

LMA..I feel so exactly the same way that you do, can't trust my hub about anything he says, he can say something to me one day and not remember he said it the next..it's so bizarre..told him I needed to record our convos.

However, when I just re-read your post, something came to my attention, re-read your last paragraph about "validate his feelings, etc" but I still have anxiety..WELL YEAH..because in all of that, you didn't talk about ONE THING you were doing to validate YOU..to help YOU..I think, my hub being a total jerk in going on that trip and the way he acted last night really helped that "tooth come out" on my detachment..cause like tonight..I didn't want to ride back home with him..LOL..I rode with my daughter and I didn't look at it as "thankful for the time he spent with me/us" (tho I was thankful for the kids)..but as "his being along is kinda awkward"..LOL..funny I didn't really realize I had thought about it that way until I read your post!

Also, when we got home and hub was in our room, I was in our other bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror and was like, "I think I look better now than I've looked in a long time" so I dunno what my hub is talking about..NOW..IF you knew me before, which of course you didn't LOL, you would know how HUGEEEEEEE that is for me..I don't think I'm a supermodel by ANY stretch, but I sure don't think that I'm hideous either, I've lost weight, I look skinnier in my jeans, my hair is longer now than it's been, I'm happy with me..which is amazing considering! AND I hope the same for YOU..

:::Sending PMA your way::::

Tawnya

I don't want you to have to get to the point of detaching
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



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