A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 12 of 15 < 1 2 ... 10 11 12 13 14 15 >
Topic Options
#1678500 - 12/22/08 12:09 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: JWM]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
John,

Thank you for that reminder. It helps to hear others say they think there has been some improvement. It is so easy to start to feel as though we have imgained the improvement out of wishful thinking and desire.

You are right that all we have is today.

I am happy that things are calm for you and that you are with your W and daughter. Those are all very good things.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

Top
#1678547 - 12/22/08 02:01 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
breakaway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 1464
Hi Beth,

I know depression can be part of a MLC...it just sounded like classic D to me...again mostly because of the withdrawal from everyone...actually he stays closest to you, which is interesting.

My college boyfriend, which was a very very deep R in my life, suffered from terrible depression. He would go through these same phases. It was very hard. This all sounds so familiar. My heart goes out to you. The boyfriend wasn't my husband so eventually I gave up on that R. But I understand some of what you're going through.

I have often wondered about this, about this personality type, if there really are people who do require periods of "solitude" when they can't cope with other people, especially loving people it seems. And yet they will have periods when they seek connection with you. And what does one do if one loves such a person? I was intrigued by your description of your relationship and having no labels, etc. That struck a chord from my past.

Anyway...you're in my thoughts and prayers. You seem to have an innate intuitive understanding of your H...I pray that takes you both where you need to be, and if it doesn't, that you find your own peace in dealing with this.

((((Beth))))
_________________________
Me-42,H-41,M-14
S-12,9


Previous thread

Top
#1678570 - 12/22/08 03:00 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: breakaway]
Tawnya Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 2556
Loc: NC
{{{Beth}}}} Just stopping by to say hey and hope your day/evening is going well..you and your mom and your brother have plans (isn't he getting in/in now?) for the weekend?

Tawnya
_________________________
Me:39
H:40
D18/S12
M20/T21
Bomb 10/11/08
One
Two
Three
Four



Top
#1678597 - 12/22/08 03:49 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: Tawnya]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, any chance that he is bi-polar. Does he have periods of deep depression before alternating with good days. Here is the link from NIH that you might review:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-publication.shtml
_________________________
John
Me 56 W 46 D7
First
Second
Third
last

Top
#1678693 - 12/22/08 01:15 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: breakaway]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Breakaway - I have struggled trying to figure out if my H has classic depression, depression combined with MLC, or MLC and now he is in the depression stage.

The reason I think there is an MLC component is that he has never, ever been like this before. In all our years together, he has never had dark periods. I have never seen the symptoms I see now.

It all started, looking back, when he turned 40. I guess part of me hopes it is MLC so there is a chance he'll exit the fog. From what he's saying right now, if it is depression alone, I do not know whether he'll ever seek treatment.

JWM - Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. From what I have read about bipolar disorder, I have never seen Michel have a manic stage. He was in a better mood when I saw him Saturday, but nothing I would describe as manic.

This is all so exhausting and really scary.
_________________________
VV:41

Top
#1678741 - 12/22/08 03:18 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
JWM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/08
Posts: 743
Beth, I know it is tough to deal with especially at this time of year.

At best you can only be there to support him and that is good...it doesn't mean we need to find the right label. I take the link back. \:\)

At least he is coming closer to you right now.
_________________________
John
Me 56 W 46 D7
First
Second
Third
last

Top
#1678780 - 12/22/08 03:58 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
breakaway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 1464
Originally Posted By: Bettou
Breakaway - I have struggled trying to figure out if my H has classic depression, depression combined with MLC, or MLC and now he is in the depression stage.

The reason I think there is an MLC component is that he has never, ever been like this before. In all our years together, he has never had dark periods. I have never seen the symptoms I see now.

It all started, looking back, when he turned 40. I guess part of me hopes it is MLC so there is a chance he'll exit the fog. From what he's saying right now, if it is depression alone, I do not know whether he'll ever seek treatment.



I'll confess to not knowing a hell of a lot about MLC...did anything else happen around that time? Loss of anyone? Death, I mean...

You hang in there, you're doing great, really. I know it's scary.
_________________________
Me-42,H-41,M-14
S-12,9


Previous thread

Top
#1678917 - 12/22/08 06:14 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: breakaway]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
JWM - No need to take the link back \:\) Thanks as always for the support and ideas.

Breakaway - there have been a few things but the event that escalated everything was his aunt's diagnosis with end-stage myeloma (bone cancer). He is an only child who was raised by a close-knit family and he is incredibly close to them. His uncle died of cancer at a young age (50ish) and now this. I believe that was his trigger.

He's got other symptoms of MLC - the ILBNILWY speech, he says really inconsistent things outloud as if he needs to hear himself think. (e.g. last Sautruday he said, "I do not think you and I are soule mates." Then he said "but you may be the very best person out there for me." Huh???). I have learned to validate and listen - definitely not to argue with him. Plus, it's the timing of it all. I think he had a low-level mild depression brewing for a few years and then the MLC hit and the two combined have produced his current state of mind.

Thanks for saying you think I am doing well. I do not feel like it right now.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

Top
#1679164 - 12/22/08 11:45 PM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: VeronicaV]
healthydad Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/08
Posts: 1425
Loc: California
Beth,
You are doing more than well - you are maintaining perspective of yourself - and that is so vital - since getting sucked into the perspectives of a troubled mind can only make us tumble.

Your H does seem to have a combination of MLC and depression going on - and I think you're doing everything you could possibly do just be learning more about what he might be going through - and knowing that you have to take care of yourself - since you cannot love him into being healthier.

My wife gave me that same "soul mate" line - and then added that the next person she's with won't be as "smart, handsome or successful as you" - but turned those three qualities into negatives in the very next breath - adding - "but people like you want someone who just caters to them, and I can't just cater to someone anymore."

Listen to the internal dialog as he talks around you - but just remember he just wants you to hear it - not repair him - not disagree with him - not show him a better point of view - not convince him - he just needs to swim through that serpentine river until he gets out of the brooding gloom of that jungle (with all due respect to Joseph Conrad)...maybe he'll make it out, maybe he won't...but loving him also means loving yourself enough to keep living you life to the fullest - so that when/if he comes out - you're there as a whole person...not a fraction of yourself - and that's where I think you're doing great - because your strength and resolve to move forward always comes through in your words.

Smile, Beth. Sit up and smile. I am certain there is plenty in your life that merits your joy.

Hugs,
Carlos.
_________________________
Me:39
S3,S13

"We consent to live like sheep." W.H. Auden

On my own
Separation #4

Top
#1679247 - 12/23/08 02:15 AM Re: Listening and Learning [Re: healthydad]
VeronicaV Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 1485
Carlos,

Thank you for the kind words and seeing something in me that I do not see myself that often. Your words could not have come at a better moment.

Beth
_________________________
VV:41

Top
Page 12 of 15 < 1 2 ... 10 11 12 13 14 15 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004